Living with a single mother & her kids... (dating, girlfriend, marry)

[BlackSwan]

My girlfriend & I started dating a bit over a year and a half ago (I'm 31 & she's 32 now). She was recently divorced and had two kids (one 8-month old girl & one 4yr. old boy.) I met her kids early on, as we didn't really have any other option if we wanted to see each other. I didn't mind, since I'm not really into partying and am somewhat of a home body, and I've always liked kids. However, she did have a lot of emotional baggage from a father that drank and wasn't at home much, to the ex who turned out to be a dead beat with numerous issues. I saw these as red flags, but I really liked her and the kids and didn't let it stop me.

She and the kids moved in with me about six months ago. Let me just say, I love her kids - they are beautiful, loving little rugrats. And they love me a lot, her son is always talking about me at school, to his grandparents, etc. He really looks up to me and sort of idolizes me. But, he is also ADHD and can be extremely difficult to deal with a lot of the time. He's like a tasmanian devil on speed. Every morning he is up at the crack of dawn (including weekends, sometimes as early as 5:30 am), and let's just say I'm not a morning person. I wouldn't mind if he came in and layed with us or played quietly, but if he's up - he's not going to let you sleep. Since they've moved in, I've started waking up an hour before I normally have to for work, so I can walk him to the bus or take him to school, while Mom heads to work and drops the toddler off at day care. During the week, as soon as I get home - my girlfriend is usually making dinner and I'll watch the kids while she does that. Then we clean up together, get the kids ready for bed, etc. This is no easy feat, every night we spend nearly an hour trying to get him to stay in his bed, he's constantly getting up for numerous excuses (I'm too scared, I'm thirsty, I'm hungry, the dog won't sleep with me, my legs hurt, it's too dark, you didn't tuck me in - we've heard them all). Needless to say this can get tiresome and quite annoying, especially on nights when we want some intimacy. It often ends up with both of us too tired for anything intimate. Luckily the 2 year old is relatively easy to deal with in comparison.

With all that said, I feel like her expectations are a little too high for me, and we often argue about responsibilities. She has a very short temper and gets angry very easily if I don't do what she expects. I feel like any help I give her with the kids, is in fact help, and not my job or responsibility. However, she will get mad at me and start yelling if I'm not up to help her get the kids ready in the morning. Or, if I want to sleep in a little late on the weekend and she has to get up with the kids by herself. And forget about ever coming home from work to just relax instead of helping with the kids. Also, she is not the neatest person on earth, and it doesn't take long for the kids to destroy and mess up the house. She would rarely pick up after them or have them pick up after themselves - and then at the end of the week, she would expect me to spend half the day with her, helping clean up her and her kids messes. We ended up getting a maid to come every few weeks, and this has dramatically helped with those burdens. But, even now, when her lone house chore is doing the laundry, she'll complain if I don't help her do them or fold them (not to mention 90% of them are her & the kids stuff). I realize it's a very difficult job for her raising two kids and try to help as much as I can, but I feel like my help is not appreciated most of the time and just expected of me. She often loses her temper with the ADHD son and screams at him to stop whatever he's doing wrong, yet will criticise me if I do. I feel like sometimes I'm taken for granted, and not given the credit I'm due for helping out, especially with such a difficult child.

Sometimes I really feel like saying F@*! this, peace out - good luck on your own. But, we really do love each other and with the kids I can't just walk away without it being a really good reason. We are very good at talking out the majority of our problems, but it's a conflict I can't seem to resolve very easily. Am I being selfish for not wanting to help sometimes or not feeling like it's my responsibility? Is she expecting too much of me? I'm sure it's a little of both, but would like to hear from others who have been in similar situations, or even single mothers and what they think.

Thanks, if you actually read this whole stream of conscious rant. I really appreciate any opinions or advise.

[Ablees8951]

Wow thats a lot to deal with. From the sounds of it she seems extremely stressed out and for good reason. I think you should sit down with her soon and tell her everything that you have just written here. It will be hard for you to tell her that sometimes you just want to say F this and leave, but thats a strong feeling to have and you need to let her know asap. If she starts getting angry and not listening or yelling, just stay calm and let her know that you are telling her all of this because you want to make it work between the 2 of you. It's so easy to get caught up in everything that you have going on at home (the same for her too), really sometimes we all just need to stop, take a deep breath, and remember who we are and what we are fighting for in a relationship.

Hope everything works out for you.

[dgfurman]

Welcome to the world of parenthood. That's EXACTLY what it's like at my house, except that they are my husband's and my children, and we realize that we are in this parenting thing together. Your problem is that you took on an instant family, without really understanding what life was going to be like, and how things would change for you.

Here's the thing - when you have little kids, you can expect there to be constant noise, chaos, interruptions, messes, etc. Starting at 5 a.m. or whenever. That's the way it is. The problem is that they are not YOUR children. They are HER children. And now you are getting resentful of your losses of freedom, privacy, peace, cleanliness/sense of order, etc.

So, now you have to decide if you are willing to make those sacrifices, to help her parent 2 children that are not biologically yours. Many have done it, but not all can step up to the instant role of being a parent. If they were your own kids, you would easily make the sacrifices. Now you can see why there have been so many threads here about "Kids - are they a dealbreaker in a relationship?", b/c there are MANY more added stresses in a relationship when you factor kids in.

No one but you knows if you can put up with that for another, oh, 18 yrs or so. But that is the reality of having a household with kids. It's not all fun and games and ice cream and cake. It's a lot of hard work and sacrifice to raise kids, and to do it well.

She is probably expecting you to help out more b/c you are there, and you are the only other adult in the house that could lend her a hand. For her, it is frustrating to see you want to sleep in, not pitch in, etc, if she is already doing XYZ. And for you, it's frustrating to feel like you are really helping out more than your share, for something that's really not your responsibility (ultimately, at least at this point). Both of you are right.

Somehow you have to meet in the middle, and come to some terms as to what is acceptable/expectable in both of your roles. Have a quiet sit down discussion, and let her know your concerns about your situation and your feelings. You two may come to some good resolutions, esp. if she knows that in the long run, she risks losing you, if you find the situation unbearable. And she has a lot more to lose in this situation than you do, believe me, so if she knows that you are getting close to showing them the door, you may find her more willing to meet you half way.

No matter what, you're getting woken up at 5:30 am - get used to it!

[Renaldo5000]

Tell her flat out to not snap at you and that you will not be disrespected like that. Have a backbone. This is your house for Christ's sake. If the bull**** persists then kick her out. It's not like the kids are yours.

I cringe at situations like yours. Over and over they seem to follow the same trajectory - well-meaning guy with house and good job takes in single mother with no future and her offspring, guy ends up spending tons of money and effort on her and the kids who aren't even his, woman ends up sucking away all of the guy's funds and taking him for granted, divorce happens and woman gets even more of the guy's money, and lastly the woman moves on to some other sap and the whole thing repeats.

Good luck, dude.

[wigirl920]

Originally Posted by Ablees8951

Wow thats a lot to deal with. From the sounds of it she seems extremely stressed out and for good reason. I think you should sit down with her soon and tell her everything that you have just written here. It will be hard for you to tell her that sometimes you just want to say F this and leave, but thats a strong feeling to have and you need to let her know asap. If she starts getting angry and not listening or yelling, just stay calm and let her know that you are telling her all of this because you want to make it work between the 2 of you. It's so easy to get caught up in everything that you have going on at home (the same for her too), really sometimes we all just need to stop, take a deep breath, and remember who we are and what we are fighting for in a relationship.

Hope everything works out for you.

I agree with this, but would add ... remember to NOT be accusatory when you talk with her. If you want to stay in this relationship and the living situation, you need to find a way to work it out. Find some middle ground. Compromise. Don't expect it to be perfect or for things to be the same as they were before.

I'm sure some folks will disagree with me but you willfully entered the relationship knowing that she had kids and also - I assume - willfully allowed them to live in your home...so at the very least you knew that things would be different. So yes, I do feel that you should share some of the responsibility.

I also wondered the following:
-Were you aware that her son had ADHD before they moved in and the challenges that you may face because of it?
-Had you been to her place before she moved in and were you able to see how she kept house?
-Did you spend enough time with her AND the kids prior to the move in to get an idea of how she handled the kids?

Moving in together is a big deal and while you can't possibly anticipate everything, it seems as though there might have been things that you would have noticed or at least known about. In a way it seems like this is all coming as a huge shock to you. Maybe that is the case, I don't know.

Good luck....

[yellowsnow]

Her kids aren't going anywhere so it's something you have to work with if you want her. Kids are like that. You can never do enough and they always need or want something. However, they can be trained to be more reasonable. It's not ridiculous to expect them to pick up after themselves to an age reasonable degree. Kids can be trained to go to bed. Reward systems work well but it takes a few weeks of dedicated effort. Kids need boundaries and they need to know the difference between good and bad behavior. They need consistent consequences. They will test you to see if you mean it too.

Sounds to me like the two of you need to work together and take charge of the household. Right now the kids rule and you are their servants.

Sticking it out for the long haul takes work and selfless dedication. It would be easier to walk. You can't do enough for your SO. She's exhausted and someone is always jumping on her last nerve. She's the one who chose to have kids and you've been around long enough to know that that entails. You either have to both be parents or you will have to admit to yourself this isn't the life you want.

If it's not the life you want, leave and leave soon. It's not fair to either of you to keep on and be unhappy.

[Joseph Marnix]

Go Read "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Dr. Glover as to why you pick up needy women.
And for your own sake, don't get her pregnant.

[Ticatica]

Man, I feel your pain! That's beautiful that you've created a great relationship though! Just tell her what you've told us in the smooth loving way you wrote it and she'll understand. You have to develop a zero tolerance on the yelling and reinforce that they are her kids and some times she will have to take the lead in their care. BOTH of you need to take time out individually. She's gotta respect that. Take turns letting each other sleep in or do your respective hobbies. You'll be a happier couple in the end.

[OngletNYC]

I question the character of a mother who'd shack up with a guy after dating for only 1.5 years. I don't even consider myself particularly old fashioned, but in my humble opinion young children shouldn't be subject to a revolving door of Uncle So-and-so's. Unless you have intentions to marry this woman soon, you shouldn't be living there at all.

[Renaldo5000]

As far as her character goes, none of us know for sure. But, she probably wants a daddy for her kids, a steady paycheck from new daddy, and to slowly extricate herself from the workforce so that she can sit on her ass.