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I think she is getting an amazing deal. A live in father to help raise her children. Looks like your dad didn't teach you how to be a man. I suggest you grow some b##ls and look at your self in the mirror and ask yourself WTH I am doing with my life. PLEASE PLEASE do yourself a favor and do not have a kid with this woman. You will thank me in the long run
Harsh, but fair. My mum did often warn me about not getting involved with a "ready made family" so to speak. And I kept that advice at the back of my mind ever since.
You arent ready to leave now - thats clear. But, you wil regret it. She's not going to change and she's not the right person for a peaceful, productive life for you. Harsh but true. Cut bait. Remember my advice when it becomes bad next time and dont waste your life and end up angry with regrets. The kids arent the issue - the way you interact is. By the way - a book is useless. Tell her to save her time and put that towards the kids and giving you a break.
This is bull****! i cant believe how many of you expect to be this womans slave!
does she pay for the bills or the mortgage?
it's this guys house for christsake, what does she contribute?
so what you're a single mum and you have the right to just order someone to help you with the **** that you made with someone else? she should just live by herself and and quit the whinging, then she would have no one to boss around except herself. fair? i think so.
lets look at it this way. this guy becomes her slave for 2 years, then she cheats and leaves with her kids.
What does she get? the kids and 1/2 his house
What does he get? nothing and he loses his house at the same time, good deal for him ay?
My girlfriend & I started dating a bit over a year and a half ago (I'm 31 & she's 32 now). She was recently divorced and had two kids (one 8-month old girl & one 4yr. old boy.) I met her kids early on, as we didn't really have any other option if we wanted to see each other. I didn't mind, since I'm not really into partying and am somewhat of a home body, and I've always liked kids. However, she did have a lot of emotional baggage from a father that drank and wasn't at home much, to the ex who turned out to be a dead beat with numerous issues. I saw these as red flags, but I really liked her and the kids and didn't let it stop me.
She and the kids moved in with me about six months ago. Let me just say, I love her kids - they are beautiful, loving little rugrats. And they love me a lot, her son is always talking about me at school, to his grandparents, etc. He really looks up to me and sort of idolizes me. But, he is also ADHD and can be extremely difficult to deal with a lot of the time. He's like a tasmanian devil on speed. Every morning he is up at the crack of dawn (including weekends, sometimes as early as 5:30 am), and let's just say I'm not a morning person. I wouldn't mind if he came in and layed with us or played quietly, but if he's up - he's not going to let you sleep. Since they've moved in, I've started waking up an hour before I normally have to for work, so I can walk him to the bus or take him to school, while Mom heads to work and drops the toddler off at day care. During the week, as soon as I get home - my girlfriend is usually making dinner and I'll watch the kids while she does that. Then we clean up together, get the kids ready for bed, etc. This is no easy feat, every night we spend nearly an hour trying to get him to stay in his bed, he's constantly getting up for numerous excuses (I'm too scared, I'm thirsty, I'm hungry, the dog won't sleep with me, my legs hurt, it's too dark, you didn't tuck me in - we've heard them all). Needless to say this can get tiresome and quite annoying, especially on nights when we want some intimacy. It often ends up with both of us too tired for anything intimate. Luckily the 2 year old is relatively easy to deal with in comparison.
With all that said, I feel like her expectations are a little too high for me, and we often argue about responsibilities. She has a very short temper and gets angry very easily if I don't do what she expects. I feel like any help I give her with the kids, is in fact help, and not my job or responsibility. However, she will get mad at me and start yelling if I'm not up to help her get the kids ready in the morning. Or, if I want to sleep in a little late on the weekend and she has to get up with the kids by herself. And forget about ever coming home from work to just relax instead of helping with the kids. Also, she is not the neatest person on earth, and it doesn't take long for the kids to destroy and mess up the house. She would rarely pick up after them or have them pick up after themselves - and then at the end of the week, she would expect me to spend half the day with her, helping clean up her and her kids messes. We ended up getting a maid to come every few weeks, and this has dramatically helped with those burdens. But, even now, when her lone house chore is doing the laundry, she'll complain if I don't help her do them or fold them (not to mention 90% of them are her & the kids stuff). I realize it's a very difficult job for her raising two kids and try to help as much as I can, but I feel like my help is not appreciated most of the time and just expected of me. She often loses her temper with the ADHD son and screams at him to stop whatever he's doing wrong, yet will criticise me if I do. I feel like sometimes I'm taken for granted, and not given the credit I'm due for helping out, especially with such a difficult child.
Sometimes I really feel like saying F@*! this, peace out - good luck on your own. But, we really do love each other and with the kids I can't just walk away without it being a really good reason. We are very good at talking out the majority of our problems, but it's a conflict I can't seem to resolve very easily. Am I being selfish for not wanting to help sometimes or not feeling like it's my responsibility? Is she expecting too much of me? I'm sure it's a little of both, but would like to hear from others who have been in similar situations, or even single mothers and what they think.
Thanks, if you actually read this whole stream of conscious rant. I really appreciate any opinions or advise.
I just have a couple of things. A question though, you said she has two kids, one 8mths old and one 4 yrs old. Who is the 2 yr old you mentioned?
Second, it's life. when you have kids, you throw a lot out the window like sleep, intimacy, fun, money, doing things on your schedule instead of theirs. But, that's what parenting is like. You took a huge step in inviting them to live with you but it's slightly concerning to me that you all moved in so soon together.
With her kids being so small, is the father around? He should still be a part of their lives and still should be paying or attempting to pay for his kids. Despite what you may think about him, those kids still have their own father and he should be part of their lives.
As for you and your feelings of being overwhelmed, you should both allot yourselves some personal "me" time. A couple of hours to escape the madness.
I personally am divorced. My ex husband was a parent to his kids as it was convenient for him. He paid his minimum child support and after several years of asking him to do more of his share, I got tired of asking. I dated, even moved in at one point with a boyfriend I had been dating a long time. I never did put any responsibility of my kids on that man in my life because of what i said earlier, they are not his kids and not his responsibility.
I think your g/f probably feels like "you love me, you love my kids" and probably doesn't think about the stress you are under having taken on this huge responsibility. I can also assure you that raising an ADHD or ADD child is no joke. I was fortunate in that my kids never had it but I know a lot of friends who have young kids who do and I don't envy them at all. It's a LONG and very stressful road.
At this point, you are in the mix. You have to deal with it but be sure to have "you" time to get away and clear your head for your own sanity. Also to benefit the two of you, she should be looking into sitters and have a date nigth once a month.
first off i doubt the child at 4 has adhd....he is most likely just a hyper child. Part of it is with giving into him all the time. From now on put him to bed and put a glass of water by his bed. If he wakes up at night gently take him back to his room over and over. Eventually he will realize he won't get the desired response and not keep getting up. The same with the mornings....take him back to bed and say the wake up time in this house for adults is 8 a.m., you can play quietly or go back to bed. Second sit your gf down and explain to her that she needs to learn to calm down and back off some.
However, she did have a lot of emotional baggage from a father that drank and wasn't at home much, to the ex who turned out to be a dead beat with numerous issues.
But, he is also ADHD and can be extremely difficult to deal with a lot of the time. He's like a tasmanian devil on speed.
It sounds to me like you need some support...taking on someone else's kids is really challenging. I've not only been in a relationship where I took on another mans five year old for two years during weekend visits but I now have a little boy of my own and my boyfriend just moved in. Ill be honest its tough sometimes. I never ask him to help to much because I don't want my son to get too attached until he is 100% sure about us but yet sometimes its impossible. I try to make it very clear to my boyfriend that we aren't married so he's not their step father yet other times I resent that I do so much for him and he isn't helping me with things he could be. Its really challenging. One thing that I try to avoid is allowing him to get too involved which also means he doesn't get to have the kind of closeness with my son that you enjoy. Also your girlfriend may resent that you are enjoying the step father treatment and status while not really making the commitment to marry her. Family is a beautiful thing. Love it and cherish it. Children are not toys they are humans. They need loving parents in the home that will stay. Its a hard decision and I hope you both get support so you can do whats best for each other and the kids. Good Luck!
As far as her character goes, none of us know for sure. But, she probably wants a daddy for her kids, a steady paycheck from new daddy, and to slowly extricate herself from the workforce so that she can sit on her ass.
Blunt, but probably accurate. The OP knew what he was getting into. Why would he saddle himself with this arrangement? Too bad for the children who now are attached to him, when he is probably just the first in a revolving door of relationships.
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She's reading a book on it.
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