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Your posts remind me of that old Kung Fu series where a completely inoffensive monk keeps having people jack around with him. Now I see its possible. Even as I tend to have a rational point of view, I still provoke when the mood strikes me. Your posts are almost always rational; yet still, some people respond in obnoxious confabulations in a fashion worthy of a Raelian cultist.
Thank you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by WhyShouldIWorry
True if they see a strong marriage in action. However, what is never stated by the "Divorce = Failure - Marriage = Success" crowd is that many marriages are far from successful but don't end in divorce because they cannot survive financially apart or they "do it for the kids".
My Theory: Men raised by single mothers make the best B.S.ers
These kids see first hand how men can sweet talk a woman into providing sex and a warm bed. They are experts at using the same moves.
Interesting theory. If correct, it would only apply to single mothers who bring men they are casually dating into the home, would it not?
Location: somewhere close to Tampa, but closer to the beach
2,035 posts, read 5,036,650 times
Reputation: 1099
Quote:
Originally Posted by AZDesertBrat
My dad and birth mom divorced when I was three but I was too young to really be aware of any of that. My dad got custody so he and my stepmom raised me...I never refer to her as my stepmom though; she has always just been Mom...and they were married until my dad passed away five years ago, so over 50 years. They were the best role models I could've ever had. Also both sets of grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc.. Also, I have to add, my entire family was soooo good to me growing up and I grew up with a very healthy sense of self. Good self esteem and confidence. I think THAT is the 'secret' to having mentally healthy kids, not whether they've been raised by a single parent or two.
I'll take the chance here of getting bashed...for whatever reasons...but I've been married four times and all but one was raised in a two parent household where the marriages lasted "till death do us part". These were all 'good' families too but that didn't mean their sons were all that great. Number one ended up being an abuser and a cheater. Number two was a serial cheater. Number three was an only child but he was a controller, snob and narcissist. Number four grew up in a home with his mom and four sisters. He had it together more than ANY of the others. His dad deserted his mom when the kids were very young and she never remarried. What it all comes down to, IMO, is the individual person, how they accept the good and bad in their lives and how mature they are when they marry.
What I want to know is what's the difference between kids being raised by a single mom who's been divorced and one who was widowed? They are still raised in a single parent household but the divorced situation gets a really bad rap and people just "assume" that the kids will have problems as adults.
we do benefit from good parents..uncles, aunts, grandparents, but our parents don't always have a reason to be together..I had plenty of role models who helped guide me when "daddy" walked away..
Defending the fact that..i will not allow anyone to silently judge another..call him a Bastard.. including people like a youth minister of mine when they do not understand a thing about a situation is not being defensive..it is standing up and not allowing anyone with the self elitist attitude to attempt to demonize other people.. i have friends of mine who are single mothers...and i will not allow anyone to judge their children..you are not god... let he who judge, be judged himself..
Oh and let me not forget to mention that one of my exes..actually a couple of them, who were both quite self destructive..came from so assumed to be happy humble two parent homes..One, from what i heard last, is strung out on drugs and was engaged to a guy who pushed her down a flight of stairs..because she would not have sex with a friend of his and him..and yes, she went to the same private school my sister went to..unless you can peer into every household, across the world, long enough to understand, do not assume what you do not know..
Do you think the fact you selected two extremely self-destructive women as romantic partners says something about your decision making process?
I'd agree that people raised in happy families tend to be good partners. In my own family, there are very few divorces. My parents have been married for almost 50 years, and my aunts and uncles are similar. My sister divorced her first husband, but she's been married to the second for 15 years, and my cousins and my other siblings have been married for years, as well (though my middle sister's marriage is hardly happy.) I'm the outlier of the family being single, but if anything I've learned that a good relationship is not to be taken for granted and marriage isn't to be entered into lightly.
When I look at my friends and family members who have been happily married for a long time, I note that the men were all raised in a household with a male figure. Could be a biological father, could be a step father. But they all seem to have one.
Is this a coincidence, or am I on to something here?
Discuss. And if you strongly agree or disagree, I'd be interested in knowing your own sex and how you were raised.
Dunno. Depends on the role model. Men raised by men who beat or abuse or neglect their wives often think that is normal and will do the same thing.
I find that men with sisters tend to be the most in tune with women.
Nope, it is part of the dating process..can't learn what to avoid if you haven't experienced it...
No... most of us have a pretty easy time spotting that level of self-destruction and get out quickly. And if we miss the obvious clues (due to youth usually), we only date someone like that once. We don't make a second bad choice.
Do you think your being married four times has anything to do with your upbringing? (That's not a dig at you, I'd really like to know.) Why have you been married four times? Are you still married to #4?
And most interesting (to me) - what do all of your low-quality ex-husbands have in common?
No, my being married four times had nothing to do with my upbringing. It would take a loooooong post to explain why I've been married four times but I suppose I can try to keep it short. LOL
Maybe the TIME I grew up in had something to do with my choices. I was born during WWII, grew up in the 50s...with all the societal things that entailed...married in 1961. I was 18. That was what girls were "supposed" to do back then. When I met and married him I totally expected that we would be together "till death do us part" and was more than willing to do my part. He, however, turned out to be a mean, controlling and abusive person. The better I was to him the worse he was to me and I never understood that. His family was really surprised that he'd be the way he was and when we divorced not one of them blamed me at all. He had a brief affair with one of the barmaids where he hung out and when I asked him why he said "Because you're no fun anymore". Well, I probably wasn't. I had three babies in diapers and a preschooler...my stepson. BC failed for me, twice!! After 8 years of his crap I knew I had to get me and my kids out of that situation so I did. Enter #2...
Number 2 was a nice guy, but he had a totally 'wandering eye'. He was honest about it but I thought he was JOKING when he said he was late and said "I took my gf to the movies". He loved the ladies and they loved him but after four years I told him he was welcome to his ladies but I was tired of it. We stayed friends for a long time after our divorce and would probably still be friends if we lived near one another. He WAS a lot of fun to hang out with.
Number 3...I really admired this guy. He was friendly, fun, had lots of friends and we met at a Parents Without Partners event. He was president of the organization and I liked a go-getter. Well....this guy turned out to have tons of emotional problems, a habit of blaming everyone but himself for his 'problems', suffered from depression and was a snob of the highest order. He had had a lot of personal therapy but all that did was make him a 'know it all' and he was constantly trying to analyze ME! After six years of him TRYING to tell me what I could/couldn't do in every part of my life, I decided I'd rather be alone. I was 33 by then and decided that since I was incapable of making a really good choice, I'd just as soon never remarry. Oh yeah. He cheated too, with one of his employees. He didn't blame me for it though, which was a good thing!
I was single for 7 years before I met #4. Those were GOOD years because I learned to really know ME, what I was all about, how I felt about myself and my flaws. I also had to learn to be alone and learn to enjoy my solitude. I changed the things I didn't like about myself, accepted the things I could live with and was, all around, a much happier person. By the time I met #4 I was in a good place in my life and it took me two years to decide that taking a chance again just might be a good thing. It was...for 15 years. We had a great relationship, easy going, laid back and I agreed to go along with whatever he wanted to do because he was smart and didn't make bad choices for our life, or himself. But then, I guess, he went through a mid life crisis, or something, and decided he didn't WANT to be married anymore. He wanted to go live in the woods, live off the land, not have to work and pay taxes or be 'burdened' with a life of "wallet and keys". So, what can you do? You say Adios, wish them luck and get on with life.
Obviously, that WAS the last one. I'll never do that again. I don't date, I don't care and while I'm not bitter, angry, cynical or whatever, I AM happy with my life. I'm too old to start over so it's a good thing I'm happy! Trying to make men happy for over half of my life was exhausting, really. Especially when not ONE of them ever really appreciated that one fact.
And that's pretty much 'it' in a nutshell.
Oh, one more thing...none of the men I married were really bad or "low quality" people. They came from good families, had good parents and had no excuse for being how they became. I do believe though that they didn't know how to be supportive and truly caring husbands. Number four was better than the others but he had his quirks too. Nothing I couldn't accept and live with though. It's really too bad that we can be taught how to be good cooks, good wage earners and a lot of other "good things" but we can't be taught to be good husbands and wives. We rely on what we have seen around us, the examples we've had, and go from there. If we are lucky we will toss out the bad examples and keep the good but there ARE some folks out there who'd rather 'blame' their bad examples than work on being 'different'.
No, my being married four times had nothing to do with my upbringing. It would take a loooooong post to explain why I've been married four times but I suppose I can try to keep it <snip>
So all of your divorces were the fault of your husbands?
Thanks. Just putting my thoughts/experiences out there. I felt I was taking a BIG chance though.
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He loved the ladies and they loved him but after four years I told him he was welcome to his ladies but I was tired of it. We stayed friends for a long time after our divorce and would probably still be friends if we lived near one another. He WAS a lot of fun to hang out with.
