My Theory: Men raised by both parents make the best partners (boyfriends, girlfriend)

[AZDesertBrat]

Originally Posted by Onglet39

So all of your divorces were the fault of your husbands?

Well, you tell me. Would you stay with a man who had a temper, no patience with kids, was mean to his family, cheated with a barmaid and believed that both wives and children should be beat? Do you believe that wives shouldn't "talk back" to their husbands or they deserved being slapped across the face? Would you stay with a man who cheated on you often? Would you stay with a man who tried to tell you who your friends could be, what you could read, how you could dress, what kind of job you could have while at the same time being a depressed mess? Or a man who thought that YOUR opinions should dovetail with his 100% or you were "crazy"?

It's true...I could have made better choices but you never know exactly what you're getting until you've actually lived with and put in a few years with them. I never hated any of them and just chalked it up to bad decisions on my part. And TRIED to "do better next time". I will say that I really liked being married and I was always a 'partner' type person. I liked sharing my life with someone else and having someone to rely on to be there when I needed them...although that wasn't a 'normal' thing for them. It wasn't like the first time they did something I didn't like I left.

I would still be with #4 if he hadn't gone "middle age crazy". He truly was the love of my life. We would be celebrating 28 years next month if we were still together.

[AZDesertBrat]

Originally Posted by stan4

Dunno. Depends on the role model. Men raised by men who beat or abuse or neglect their wives often think that is normal and will do the same thing.

I find that men with sisters tend to be the most in tune with women.

I don't understand why people raised in abusive homes like that don't grow up to be completely disgusted with it and make a concentrated effort to avoid it for themselves. Makes people sound like a buncha mindless sheep who don't learn.

re you're second sentence...I agree. My ex was raised by his mom with four sisters and I remember thinking that about him years ago. He was pretty much in tune with me at any rate.

[lovesMountains]

Originally Posted by AZDesertBrat

No, my being married four times had nothing to do with my upbringing. It would take a loooooong post to explain why I've been married four times but I suppose I can try to keep it short. LOL

Maybe the TIME I grew up in had something to do with my choices. I was born during WWII, grew up in the 50s...with all the societal things that entailed...married in 1961. I was 18. That was what girls were "supposed" to do back then. When I met and married him I totally expected that we would be together "till death do us part" and was more than willing to do my part. He, however, turned out to be a mean, controlling and abusive person. The better I was to him the worse he was to me and I never understood that. His family was really surprised that he'd be the way he was and when we divorced not one of them blamed me at all. He had a brief affair with one of the barmaids where he hung out and when I asked him why he said "Because you're no fun anymore". Well, I probably wasn't. I had three babies in diapers and a preschooler...my stepson. BC failed for me, twice!! After 8 years of his crap I knew I had to get me and my kids out of that situation so I did. Enter #2...

Number 2 was a nice guy, but he had a totally 'wandering eye'. He was honest about it but I thought he was JOKING when he said he was late and said "I took my gf to the movies". He loved the ladies and they loved him but after four years I told him he was welcome to his ladies but I was tired of it. We stayed friends for a long time after our divorce and would probably still be friends if we lived near one another. He WAS a lot of fun to hang out with.

Number 3...I really admired this guy. He was friendly, fun, had lots of friends and we met at a Parents Without Partners event. He was president of the organization and I liked a go-getter. Well....this guy turned out to have tons of emotional problems, a habit of blaming everyone but himself for his 'problems', suffered from depression and was a snob of the highest order. He had had a lot of personal therapy but all that did was make him a 'know it all' and he was constantly trying to analyze ME! After six years of him TRYING to tell me what I could/couldn't do in every part of my life, I decided I'd rather be alone. I was 33 by then and decided that since I was incapable of making a really good choice, I'd just as soon never remarry. Oh yeah. He cheated too, with one of his employees. He didn't blame me for it though, which was a good thing!

I was single for 7 years before I met #4. Those were GOOD years because I learned to really know ME, what I was all about, how I felt about myself and my flaws. I also had to learn to be alone and learn to enjoy my solitude. I changed the things I didn't like about myself, accepted the things I could live with and was, all around, a much happier person. By the time I met #4 I was in a good place in my life and it took me two years to decide that taking a chance again just might be a good thing. It was...for 15 years. We had a great relationship, easy going, laid back and I agreed to go along with whatever he wanted to do because he was smart and didn't make bad choices for our life, or himself. But then, I guess, he went through a mid life crisis, or something, and decided he didn't WANT to be married anymore. He wanted to go live in the woods, live off the land, not have to work and pay taxes or be 'burdened' with a life of "wallet and keys". So, what can you do? You say Adios, wish them luck and get on with life.

Obviously, that WAS the last one. I'll never do that again. I don't date, I don't care and while I'm not bitter, angry, cynical or whatever, I AM happy with my life. I'm too old to start over so it's a good thing I'm happy! Trying to make men happy for over half of my life was exhausting, really. Especially when not ONE of them ever really appreciated that one fact.

And that's pretty much 'it' in a nutshell.

Oh, one more thing...none of the men I married were really bad or "low quality" people. They came from good families, had good parents and had no excuse for being how they became. I do believe though that they didn't know how to be supportive and truly caring husbands. Number four was better than the others but he had his quirks too. Nothing I couldn't accept and live with though. It's really too bad that we can be taught how to be good cooks, good wage earners and a lot of other "good things" but we can't be taught to be good husbands and wives. We rely on what we have seen around us, the examples we've had, and go from there. If we are lucky we will toss out the bad examples and keep the good but there ARE some folks out there who'd rather 'blame' their bad examples than work on being 'different'.

The end...I promise!

And you really think your childhood experiences and/or your husbands had nothing to do with any of your divorces?

[AZDesertBrat]

Originally Posted by lovesMountains

And you really think your childhood experiences and/or your husbands had nothing to do with any of your divorces?

I had a great childhood. My husbands were my "bad choices" but you know what? I don't regret one single thing I've done in my life. And, of course, they had something to do with my divorces. All I ever really asked from any of them was to be nice to me, treat me with respect, don't 'punish' me because I have different opinions and don't cheat on me with other women. And be good to my kids! I never asked for anything unreasonable.

I have to add this...I was raised to believe that marriage was 'forever'. I was raised to believe that my husband would love me, cherish me and, if not 'adore' me, at least treat me with the respect a wife should get. Especially one who did all she could to BE a good wife. My mom taught me a LOT about being a good wife and I followed her example. Not my fault I married men who, I eventually found out, didn't really appreciate that. Or who, because I was so laid back and easy going, expected me to be a doormat for them. My mom once remarked that I probably couldn't stay married because my self esteem was TOO high and I couldn't let a man treat me as "less than" I am. She said that was good thing though. And if that is so then I have to 'blame' my parents for it.

[si33]

Originally Posted by Onglet39

No... most of us have a pretty easy time spotting that level of self-destruction and get out quickly. And if we miss the obvious clues (due to youth usually), we only date someone like that once. We don't make a second bad choice.

NOPE..doesn't always happen like this.. and how do you know how long each had lasted..assumption??..perhaps??..:rolley es:

I didn't find out about what was really going on until we had broken up..The first time around..

The other example was abusive..and rude and selfish..which was why it lasted less then 6 months .. and considering that these happened when i was younger, it is part of life..

I date on a case by case basis not make an a$$ out of u and me.....but hey, like i was thinking while at petsmart earlier, The type of woman who would judge that what she cannot understand is not only the type to avoid..but something i definitely do not desire..

[lovesMountains]

Originally Posted by AZDesertBrat

I had a great childhood. My husbands were my "bad choices" but you know what? I don't regret one single thing I've done in my life. And, of course, they had something to do with my divorces. All I ever really asked from any of them was to be nice to me, treat me with respect, don't 'punish' me because I have different opinions and don't cheat on me with other women. And be good to my kids! I never asked for anything unreasonable.

I have to add this...I was raised to believe that marriage was 'forever'. I was raised to believe that my husband would love me, cherish me and, if not 'adore' me, at least treat me with the respect a wife should get. Especially one who did all she could to BE a good wife. My mom taught me a LOT about being a good wife and I followed her example. Not my fault I married men who, I eventually found out, didn't really appreciate that. Or who, because I was so laid back and easy going, expected me to be a doormat for them. My mom once remarked that I probably couldn't stay married because my self esteem was TOO high and I couldn't let a man treat me as "less than" I am. She said that was good thing though. And if that is so then I have to 'blame' my parents for it.

Well, good for you - living without regret is so very hard for many people, but awesome when you can do it

[DennyCrane]

Originally Posted by Onglet39

True or false?

When I look at my friends and family members who have been happily married for a long time, I note that the men were all raised in a household with a male figure. Could be a biological father, could be a step father. But they all seem to have one.

Is this a coincidence, or am I on to something here?

Discuss. And if you strongly agree or disagree, I'd be interested in knowing your own sex and how you were raised.

Being raised in a household with a male figure doesn't come with any guarantees. What if he's an emotionally distant father or a father who's always working? I've seen plenty of people who grew up in two-parent households and they made the worst partners. Likewise, I've met people who grew up single parent households who went on to have great marriages. But I do agree that the kind of household you grow up in has a HUGE influence on how you view relationships and the kind of partner you might someday be to someone. Parents needs to understand they influence their children in ways they're not fully aware of.

[si33]

Originally Posted by lovesMountains

And you really think your childhood experiences and/or your husbands had nothing to do with any of your divorces?

What about yours..since were asking..i remember a post not too long asking advise about being intimate with another female..because her husband isn't taking care of business.. was this because of your childhood experiences or is it just something which happened, unexpectedly, think about it....yes, i keep track..

And yes, since i opened the can of worms...had i not overcome the obstacles i had in dealing with this issue as a kid..i might have a harder time dating...Then again i could have morphed into the mirror image of my father..and been as abusive, selfish and self serving,..a total loser..slept with everyone..and irresponsible...

Instead, i chose to exactly everything he will never be..as a person, and as a man..

But hey, in some people's eyes, being exactly like my dad would be perfectly fine..since at least he and my mother were still together.... "So N..hows your son doing".."Hell if i know, i took off as quickly as i could..f-that responsibility, i got other chicks to dig".." well good for you son...i am so proud"...

[AZDesertBrat]

Originally Posted by lovesMountains

Well, good for you - living without regret is so very hard for many people, but awesome when you can do it

Well, I look at it this way. My experiences span 50 years. I'm not about to live with 'bad memories' or regrets. Life goes on and what you make of it is all that matters. If I'm going to think about it at all, I much prefer to remember the "good stuff". The ONLY time I ever really think about any of it is on forums like this where the topic gets brought up. Otherwise I don't think or talk about it. Scraping old scabs isn't my idea of fun.

[si33]

Originally Posted by AZDesertBrat

Thanks. Just putting my thoughts/experiences out there. I felt I was taking a BIG chance though.

Not a problem, got your back anytime..and sometimes, taking big chances is what it is all about..