My Bestfriend hated my guts (girlfriend, marry, women, love)

[keeperk]

I'm thinking about calling an old friend and by posting here I'm thinking about sending her a letter. It took some time on peoplesearch but I did find her 2 years ago and reconnected briefly. She told me about her life which I was so interested in, but never once asked me about mine. I left it at that.
I've had 2 kids and a whole new career since then. She has no clue of anything about me to-date since the 80's.

We were bestfriends in high school and after. We were lost w/o eachother and the plan was we would grow old together, marry brothers, raise our kids together, live next door and live happily everafter in our rocking chairs in our old age and when our husbands died. We could not imagine our lives w/o each other.

During our time together I idolized her for everything. Thought she was so cool. She could fix a car if we broke down, was taller, had hair down past her butt, and could buy beer before the legal age. Her dad grew pot and took us to concerts, the first being Jethro Tull to give you a time slot. 80's.

To keep a long story short, come to find out she was so jealous of me, she actually hated my guts.

I had more of a privlidged raising, and she had to work for anything she got, which I thought she was so cool for. I wanted to be just like her.

She worked because she had to, I worked because I wanted to. We worked just the same, just for diff. reasons.

I NEVER realized the privilidge I had until it was apparent to her and she made it apparent to me.

Long story short, come to find out she was so jealous of me she started to hate me, and to get her own worth she would set me up for humilation or just to slam me. Come to find out thru her BF- who was MY BF's bestfriend, she hated my guts.

Once this was apparant to me, I could then look back on the mean things she did to me and realize it was not so innocent. It was to build herself up by putting me down.

It's been at least 25 years now. Seems silly, but I still feel the same about our relationship of I was a true friend thru thick and thin and miss her as a freind. I loved her no matter what and never ever looked at our $$ privildges growing up as come to find out she did.

I want her to know I've never seen our $$ differences.
I really don't know if she has the capacity to care or to know how I always felt about her. I know it's been a lot of years and never to be takin' back.

I'm not sure about her capacity because looking back, her BF's had to have a staus, like what kind of car or house? Did he have a boat? My only critiera was, was he good looking kind of stuff.

I know one time my mother tried to bribe my friends with $$ not to be my friend so she could have me all to herself. (she was a sick controlling BI##$%%)
Now knowing how my friend was more into money and influence and I was not and oblivious to it, I wonder if she went for the bribe as did she drop me like a hot potatoe then never to be heard from again.

Years later an old BF did tell me my mother offered him $$ to leave me and did contact my friends to do the same. She was my only best friend during that time, so that list is pretty short to narrow down!

I loved my friend for all her shortcomings. My last conversation was she had not changed. It's like her value was based on what she had, and for her to look at anothers good fortune would devalue hers.

I don't think I really have a question here other than keep trying?
I found a gumby and pokey trinket in my stuff that she gave to me way back then.
It's been at least 25-30 years now. I sent her a gumby and pokey rubber toy as a present for christmas 09, and had not heard from her.

[Jay100]

Your mother is probably on point. I'd ditch the old "friend" forever. Leave the past in the past.

[Yzette]

In 25 years, you'd think she'd have the maturity and wisdom to see that she was acting like an adolescent to another adolescent, and would have said something to you two years ago when you had the grace to say hi and listen to her story. Something like, "Gawd, I was such a jerk to you back then. Why do you even want to talk to me? But I'm so glad you do. How are you?"

But, you know, grace is lost on the ungraceful. So I'd just let it be. Besides, reaching out and trying to explain that now would be protesting too much.

[STT Resident]

Way too much time has passed, in my opinion, to rekindle what is long gone. She's obviously not interested in you and I agree you should let it go.

The shoe was on the other foot for me several years ago when an old friend decided to track me down. To be honest I was never that close to her but she obviously thought the friendship was way more than it really ever had been. Anyway, we had corresponded by letter for a while (she was in England and I was thousands of miles away) and then I saw her once on a return visit to see my family across the pond. It wasn't a comfortable visit for me in the least but obviously she thought it had all gone very well. She kept up with the correspondence to which I responded politely although not quickly and gradually I guess she got the message. What we were in our youth was very remote from what we became as adults and although I wished her no ill will I just wasn't interested in having her in my life.

I think your friend is probably in the same boat. Good luck!

[keeperk]

I know 25 yr/s ago seems like a long time, but after raising a family, career... it seems like yesterday.

[tamajane]

First, sorry about your mom - paying people to not be your friend! I think when we have lousy parental models we can get very attached to people who we admire and look up to, as you did with your friend. You probably saw her as family. She may not have actually hated you but intense jealousy can make a person do terrible things. She should have just leveled with you instead of punishing you. It's not like your life was perfect, with a mother paying people off to keep you isolated.

Your friend sounds like a very selfish person. Many people have it difficult growing up and it improves them and helps them become more empathetic towards others. If your friend can't get over it after all these years it doesn't say much for her character.
Those little things that you edited out, like her status-seeking, do mean something. If you put it all together, it seems you really overestimated this person, and chose to see only the good things. All the while she wasn't the person you thought she was. If you feel you have to keep trying, expect nothing. Maybe if you can see how imperfect she is, it will help you get over your feeling of loss.

[NY Annie]

Ah but your time out (raising a family, career) IS still time passing by. People change, people move on. She has. It's time for you to realize you are no longer 12. You have/had a career, you raised a family. Move on.

[sophialee]

How do you know she really hated you? Are you sure Mommy Dearest didn't plant that seed in your head?

[Sprawling_Homeowner]

I was going to write super-long responses, but I'll just say this.

Even "best friends" may secretly resent or envy us. They will never admit it out of pride, but it's quite feasible.

I can think of one guy right now who may have well mocked me for being from what he termed "farmland" (actually an upper-middle-class suburb whose public high school has received national excellence awards and which has always sent some of its finest to the nation's best universities) out of jealousy for me having been better off than him (he was from an urban area).

I can think of another guy who is very non-malicious, but who had a surprisingly nasty competitive edge to him when it came to women. I never saw him as a competitor, but he saw me as one (no longer as he's got a girlfriend). He grudgingly admitted he viewed me as such. And he'll never admit it, but I now think he has secretly envied me at times in the past because I have dated and been with far more women than he has, and frankly, because I'm better looking (vain and shallow a statement, perhaps, but he's extremely skinny, has no muscle tone, and has very narrow shoulders).

Even nowadays he jokingly teases me for being single whereas he has a GF. Oddly, I tell him, I never did that when I was with a woman and he was alone, and all I've done so far with his current GF is to encourage him and wish for relationship success.

It's amazing how one learns about another's personality and character even after knowing them for nearly 20 years. And sometimes, you wish you didn't know.

[Laura707]

I say move on too. You have made contact and she does not seem interested. If she did rekindle the friendship, she would probably treat you like she did before anyway.. Leave her in the past and move on.