Out of Love With Husband - What To Do?

[Meyerland]

Oh, I see it's an old old thread. OP what did you do?

[larkmoni]

Stayed married, communicated with him, things stayed the same for a long time, but slowly started to improve. I realized all along that this situation was neither 100% his fault nor 100% mine. We are now better than we have been in a long time. Is the situation ideal? No way - but I appreciate him more for what he does bring to the table.

[Harpaint]

Have you asked him if he feels he is setting a good example for his girls? Would he want them to marry someone like him?

[dessertlover]

Originally Posted by gwynedd1

Hi plaidmom,

That is where I see feminism failing the most. Women's tolerance for "inactivity" in men is very low. The stay at home dad just doesn't seem to work. There is an instinctive hatred for it. Meanwhile, women in leisure usually have optimal hormone balances and increase attractiveness because of this. Thus keeping women from stress has advantages and men stay more strongly attached to their beautiful wives. Men do not have a drive to see women work.

Another factor that may be at work is an attractiveness gap. Any relationship weight? He doesn't want sex for a year? Is he really golfing or does he have paramours?

What will likely happen is he will just recirculate after the divorce and this woman will remain single for quite some time.

I was wondering if the OP gained a lot of weight too, but was scared to broach the subject. That will kill a man's desire. Works both ways too though. I agree that the majority of women have an "instinctive hatred" for men that are not good providers. I am dealing with that now with my current boyfriend-and we probably won't make it.

[larkmoni]

Originally Posted by dessertlover

I was wondering if the OP gained a lot of weight too, but was scared to broach the subject. That will kill a man's desire. Works both ways too though. I agree that the majority of women have an "instinctive hatred" for men that are not good providers. I am dealing with that now with my current boyfriend-and we probably won't make it.

LOL, good question! No, I have never, ever had a weight problem. In fact, one of the ways I relieved stress over the years was by running. In the last 9 years, I have run 5 full marathons and about 27 half-marathons. I'm 5'5", about 122 lbs.

I think people would be surprised at how many people live in sexless marriages, for any number of reasons. (Go to a website called The Experience Project and put 'sexless marriage' in the search engine). For sure, those were some dark days - but the absence of sex was the symptom of all of the deeper problems we were facing!

[larkmoni]

Originally Posted by Harpaint

Have you asked him if he feels he is setting a good example for his girls? Would he want them to marry someone like him?

I think he feels that he IS setting a good example - by being a loyal, faithful husband and a loving father. It is true that my girls have periodically said things like, "Mommy does all the work and Daddy just helps," or "Mommy makes the decisions." Honestly, that is not something either one of us should be proud of. At the end of the day, though, *every* marriage has its dysfunction - every one! - so if we can at least know that we showed our girls how to (1) treat your partner with respect and (2) how to hang in there, even when the going gets tough, and to keep working at things -- I think it will all be ok.

[Harpaint]

I'm really glad you've reached a place of peace in your marriage. Nothing is ever perfect or the way we dreamed when we were 20 and we face the challenges as they arrive and do our best.