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I could have posted this in religion but I wanted parents' perspective. Please keep that in mind when you give advice or just want to comment.
My kiddo is 2. Religion hasn't been a big issue. DH is a non-practicing Catholic and although I've tried to get him to go to church he won't and I'm done pushing it. We've been married almost 10 years and he still hasn't stepped foot in one. I believe in God but I'm not Christian or any religion. As you can see, religion doesn't affect our daily lives so it's a "non-issue" for us, as a family of 3.
In comes MIL. The past couple of years it hasn't been a big deal. For whatever reason, she just doesn't care to come see us. She's seen her granddaughter twice in almost 3 years. We're a state apart so distance isn't a huge issue but I'm sure a factor. I think it's important for our kiddo to know her surviving grandparents so I try to do what I can for visits. I actually flew with DD to see MIL the second time so I am making an effort.
So this past DH's birthday, his Mom sends him all these religious baby/kid's stuff. Presumably for our kiddo. He was taken aback by it. (mainly b'c he was upset the present wasn't for him even though the package was delivered on his birthday) As we make the effort to see MIL more often, I'm just wondering how non-religious families deal with their religious families?
My MIL is very religious - hard core conservative Christian. She believes in the whole end of the world is coming - and I'm talking about imminent. Before our kiddo was born, she frequently talked about rapture to us and passive aggressively would push DH to go to church or else he's going to be left behind. I think I'm just a lost cause to her - I don't really know why she doesn't push me to go, too, but we don't have a bad relationship or anything. It's just not much of a relationship. She didn't become like this until maybe the past 7 or 8 years and we've been married 10 years, almost. Point is, she wasn't always like this.
Besides he birthday gift example, I mentioned, there really hasn't been any other instance of MIL being pushy about religion on DD. I'm not too worried b'c like I said, she's passive aggressive. She never outright says anything to us so we just ignore it. I just wanted to hear about any of your experiences. Have your religious family members pushed religion on your secular life? Do you keep your kids from these family members or just go with it and when questions arise you answer it the best you can?
The passive-aggressive would bug me. I can't tell from your post if her lack of visits are because of your religious differences or some other reason.
Unless she has your kid baptized without your permission, or starts flat out telling your kid that she is right and you are wrong, I think she's probably pretty harmless. I don't think it hurts to have a kid exposed to different views.
FWIW, if you really want to go to church, you can go without your husband. I was raised with one atheist parent, and one believer. One took me to church and the other stayed home.
Unless she has your kid baptized without your permission, or starts flat out telling your kid that she is right and you are wrong, I think she's probably pretty harmless. I don't think it hurts to have a kid exposed to different views.
This. I would also defer any discussions to my husband, as he is the one who got the "gifts" for his birthday. Something along the lines of "we respect your faith, but you'll have to also respect that we don't share it" might help.
Yeah it bugs me too but to keep the peace we let her do her thing. We don't see her that often so you pick your battles, you know?
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I can't tell from your post if her lack of visits are because of your religious differences or some other reason.
I don't know either!! The funny thing is I think I take it more personally than DH does! He's definitely cut from the same cloth as his mamma! My Mom sees DH at least twice a year, as does my FIL (MIL and FIL are divorced). I just don't get it. Even when we told her she was expecting her first grandchild, it was a lackluster reception at best from her. FIL = FATHER IN LAW
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I don't think it hurts to have a kid exposed to different views.
I agree and since so far nothing "big" has really occurred and DD is only 2, I'm okay with whatever. When the questions start coming though, that'll be when things get tough!
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FWIW, if you really want to go to church, you can go without your husband. I was raised with one atheist parent, and one believer. One took me to church and the other stayed home.
Now THAT'S interesting! Did you parents marriage last? Were there ever any arguments? Yeah, I just feel weird going to a Catholic church to learn more and DH is nonpracticing. I picture getting blank stares when I go in the church and say, "Uh, yeah, I wanna know more about your religion 'cuz my husband is CAtholic but he doesn't go to church."
I could have posted this in religion but I wanted parents' perspective. Please keep that in mind when you give advice or just want to comment.
So I am not super qualified as I am not a parent. I am however an atheist with an extremely religious family, and this is something my wife and I talk about a lot in connection with having children.
So first, I wanted to comment on your specific situation. It seems like you guys are doing the right thing, especially since you're nominally theistic. Just accept the religious gifts, the prayers and other expressions of goodwill as the nice gesture they are intended to be, and move on with life. If, as your child gets older, MIL becomes more pushy, or tries to indoctrinate your daughter with things you don't appreciate you can deal with it, but why borrow trouble. I think your relaxed attitude is perfect.
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Originally Posted by foma
I just wanted to hear about any of your experiences. Have your religious family members pushed religion on your secular life? Do you keep your kids from these family members or just go with it and when questions arise you answer it the best you can?
Like I said, I don't have kids yet. I do have a cousin who is in the same boat I am who does have kids. We are the black sheep unbelievers in a highly religious extended family, and sometimes it can be difficult. So far she gets pressure from her family, but they know better than to try to directly pressure the kids. I think my family will be similar. Right now, it is kind of a "don't ask, don't tell" situation. They can pretend that I am still a believer, just lapsed because they don't ask. I think it will come to the forefront with a kid. They will want to know why the kid is not at church, in AWANA, doing Bible memory camp, and all the stuff I did when I was a kid. For me it will be an art to find the balance between letting my family be themselves, complete with their religion, and putting boundaries in place to protect my child from the most egregious and abusive proselytizing. I don't think there is a right answer, you just have to do the best you can. I would make an effort not to isolate a child from their extended family, unless they will not work with me to find that balance. I want my child to have a good relationship with his or her aunts and grandparents, but I will have boundaries that I want respected. Big no-nos for me would be using guilt or fear as religious motivators. There will be no taking them to "Heaven's Gates or Hell's Flames", no piling on of the depraved nature of man, or any of that. I'll probably read them Bible stories myself, simply because no English speaking person should be without a working knowledge of the Bible and some basic Christian theology, but aggressive proselytization would be a big problem.
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NoCapo did a very good job of expressing a very good point. And it sounds like you are doing fine also, foma. I was a non-practicing Catholic for quite a while and then went back. We never pushed our kids or any relatives to go to church and we weren't pushed either. Ours went to Sunday School and we all participated in church events but never got pushy; still don't.
Everyone has beliefs in one way or another. As long as MIL is not sneaking DD off to church and forcing her beliefs on her I think it's OK. Let her know her, MIL, beliefs should be OK too. Kids make up their own minds and sometimes not until late adulthood. I believe that a bit of knowledge about everything is a good thing; religious or otherwise.
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