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I'm posting this not to create another gay debate thread, or a debate on which religion/church is correct and right. This issue could come up in any family of any denomination or religion. The deal is, my partner suddenly doesn't want to go to our church, and I'm at a loss as to what to do!
First a little background: We're a gay couple, have been together for 12 years, and have 4 month old twins via surrogacy/egg donor. My partner had attended Catholic church for the past couple years, and I didn't go with him. I'm also not starting a Catholic bash or debate either! But I expressed my concern over him raising our children in the Catholic church since they don't accept gay couples, and I've heard of a child being kicked out of a Catholic school for having lesbian parents. Plus I don't want my children raised in a religion that tells them their parents are abominations, etc.
So the compromise was that we joined a Presbyterian church 8 months ago that's accepting of gay people. I consider myself somewhat agnostic, but have felt the presence of a higher power in my life at times, so I'm open to this church and the idea of God, etc. So over the past few months, I've really become attached to this church. We baptized our babies there and I love the services. It seems like an anchor to our week when we do something as a family. I feel like we don't do enough as a family, although there's not much you can do with 4 month old twins! I've come to really like the people at this church, their mission work, and positive message. I can see our boys being confirmed here and doing mission work as teenagers.
Yesterday I asked my partner if he was going to church, noticing he hasn't been in the past month. Then he told me that he "didn't feel a connection to the church and doesn't like going". He said he might start looking at other churches. I was pretty shocked and angry. I joined this church for him and our children, but have since become attached to it. He said I can keep on attending this church by myself, and he said not all couples attend the same church or in some cases one goes to church and the other doesn't. My feeling is that this gives the children a mixed message if both parents aren't on the same page. Then ther's the logistics - it's difficult for one person to take twin babies to church, although they have a nursery we haven't used yet. Then I'd have to explain to people (many of our neighbors are members) why my partner no longer attends. He really wouldn't get into exactly what his problem was with this church. They accept us, embrace our children, have a great choir and inspriational music, and sermons are inspriational. I think it's important for our children to understand Christianity and see this as a very positive force in their lives as they grow up.
Any suggestions as to what I should do? Just give him time, see if he finds another church that he likes and see if I like it too? If he starts going back to Catholic church, he really can't take our children there because he'd have to like about how he "obtained" them, and then the children would be wrapped up in a lie. I think eventually that would be figured out by the church and he'd be ex-communicated anyway. If I went with him to Catholic church, I wouldn't lie about our relationship or our family status, which would quickly turn into a big issue and probably being asked to leave. I really don't want this to end up with me taking our children to church alone and him going to another church or no church.
Any other people in a similar situation? I don't think this is an issue of church doctrine or anything like that. Maybe the style of worship? He wouldn't say, but considering the service at this church is similar to Catholic Mass, I don't think that's it.
I come from a family where my father is a Catholic and my mother a Protestant. So they baptised me as a Protestant but send me to a Catholic school. We went mostly to the Protestant church because that was the closest to our home but on special days we went to the Catholic church.
When I was old enough I could choose to which religion I wanted to go and I chose not to follow any denomination. But at least because of my religious upbringing I know what I'm choosing and why.
If you want your children to have a religious upbringing then at least send them to a religious school and church that accepts gay couples.
Let your children choose their own religion when they get old enough. As they grow up, expose them to many different beliefs, including agnosticism and atheism. Don't leave out Eastern religions such as Buddhism, either.
Everyone has a different path they need to follow. You can't choose for someone else, even if they are your children. I would suggest letting your partner take the children to a church of his choice every other weekend, and you get to take them to a church of your choice every other weekend, and don't stress on each other about it. It's really not important enough to ruin an otherwise successful relationship over it.
Any suggestions as to what I should do? Just give him time, see if he finds another church that he likes and see if I like it too? If he starts going back to Catholic church, he really can't take our children there because he'd have to like about how he "obtained" them, and then the children would be wrapped up in a lie. I think eventually that would be figured out by the church and he'd be ex-communicated anyway. If I went with him to Catholic church, I wouldn't lie about our relationship or our family status, which would quickly turn into a big issue and probably being asked to leave. I really don't want this to end up with me taking our children to church alone and him going to another church or no church.
Despite what they may tell you, all Catholics sin. The Catholic church views homosexual acts as a sin. I guarantee that there are other members of Catholic churches who are having affairs, have had abortions, or any number of sins recognized by the Church.
That being said, your SO could tell the church that the children are adopted (they are, and your children should know that they have a biological mother anyway). Or maybe you should ask your SO to talk to the priest at the Catholic church, and get some spiritual advice on this subject.
Otherwise, maybe go check out other denominations? Episcopal services are very similar to Catholic, but they are (for now) accepting of the homosexual lifestyle.
I'd disagree with the other posters who are saying "let your kids choose." You are their parent, and it is your job to teach them spirituality, responsibility, and a duty to others. Kids aren't going to want to go to Church, and don't want to give some of their money to a charity, and want to do their own thing all the time. Especially at 4 months old, I don't think they're going to tell you what they think of the services.
Thanks for the responses! I like how you both have put a positive spin on this. I'm certainly not into the whole "this is the one true church" thing - and neither is the church! I think half of why I enjoy going is that we're all there, together. I'll have to give my partner some time to get over whatever he's going through and see what path he takes.
Despite what they may tell you, all Catholics sin. The Catholic church views homosexual acts as a sin. I guarantee that there are other members of Catholic churches who are having affairs, have had abortions, or any number of sins recognized by the Church.
That being said, your SO could tell the church that the children are adopted (they are, and your children should know that they have a biological mother anyway). Or maybe you should ask your SO to talk to the priest at the Catholic church, and get some spiritual advice on this subject.
Otherwise, maybe go check out other denominations? Episcopal services are very similar to Catholic, but they are (for now) accepting of the homosexual lifestyle.
I'd disagree with the other posters who are saying "let your kids choose." You are their parent, and it is your job to teach them spirituality, responsibility, and a duty to others. Kids aren't going to want to go to Church, and don't want to give some of their money to a charity, and want to do their own thing all the time. Especially at 4 months old, I don't think they're going to tell you what they think of the services.
Best of luck.
Thanks for the suggestions. I know probably most Catholics wouldn't have any problem with us being members of a Catholic church as a family. There seems to be a big disconnect on certain issues between what the Church officially says, and what its members believe. My original suggestion months ago was that we try Episcopal, but then a neighbor suggested this (her) church and we both agreed at the time that we liked it, although we made a quick decision.
I think the other posters meant that they could decide as teens or adults what direction to take with religion, not as young children - at least that's how I took it. One thing I really like about this Presbyterian church is that they remind us of how fortunate we are (it's a rather wealthy congregation) and so many people seem to be into helping people in our community and in other countries. I don't want my children to grow up feeling "entitled" and I think this church will help me teach them to appreciate what they have while helping those in need.
I'm in a similar situation - I have a three yr old son - husband is Christian and wants our son raised along that path, I on the other hand, was raised Christian but have since altered my path to something along the lines of enlightenment, consciuousness, being and presence - God is everywhere and everything not a deity per se but rather the energy that connects us all. I feel as others do on here to expose the child(ren) to both sides and at some point they will make their own choice. Present both sides, or all sides, in an objective way. Go to one church this Sunday and the other another day....or whatever the chosen paths are. As long as the cohabitation of your religious choices are harmonious at home - when one partner is calling the other wrong or creating negativity that's where the confusion for the child(ren) will come in. Each of you may find your own path - that's OK. No one is right and no one is wrong - find what works in your spirit.
I'd disagree with the other posters who are saying "let your kids choose." You are their parent, and it is your job to teach them spirituality, responsibility, and a duty to others. Kids aren't going to want to go to Church, and don't want to give some of their money to a charity, and want to do their own thing all the time. Especially at 4 months old, I don't think they're going to tell you what they think of the services.
We're not saying a 4-month old can choose!
Do you do and believe every single thing that your parents did? Or did you grow up and get a mind of your own and start doing some things the way YOU wanted/believed?
That's all I'm saying. Those kids are going to have minds of their own (at least, I hope they will be raised to think for themselves!). Nobody can choose anyone else's religion for them. My suggestion was to expose them to many differing beliefs, in order to help them learn critical thinking and to aid them in deciding what they eventually will choose to believe. Mindless brainwashing by a parent insisting that only one way of thinking is the true way is shameful and narrow-minded.
Do you do and believe every single thing that your parents did? Or did you grow up and get a mind of your own and start doing some things the way YOU wanted/believed?
I grew up in a church believing that Jesus was Lord and that salvation came through Him. It was what I was taught, although my family didn't go to Church every week.
When I went to college, I started looking at other beliefs, and decided that I was an Atheist. When I came home, I started looking at what my parents and grandparents taught by living their way through God, then I looked at what Atheists taught by living their lives without God.
Eventually I got married and started thinking about my future and family instead of myself first. I reflected on what I had been taught by my family living their life through God, and realized that what I wanted for my children was exactly what I had been given by my parents. A solid foundation living and teaching morality and ethics with enough distance to show me the error of my ways.
Parents should teach their children through example, rather than by telling. If a parent bounces between one religion and the next, they aren't teaching their children anything except that there is no difference in religious beliefs. But if a parent has a rock solid belief and gives their children the freedom to make their own decisions when they are ready, then the children will grow up with a strong moral and ethical foundation, regardless of religious beliefs.
I believe that there are moral absolutes, and teaching them by living life by those moral absolutes strengthens them for their life outside of the religious context. Moral relativism leads to a mangled society and aimlessness.
So my advice to the OP would be: find a Church that reinforces your shared beliefs, and stick to it. It will be best for your children.
He won't get into why he doesn't like the church you're going to? I'd have to say something happened. He overheard something he didn't like, or someone or someone(s) go there that he has some sort of issues with. If it was a case of style of worship or doctrine one would think he'd be open about his reasons and share them with you. His refusal to provide details speaks of something he doesn't want to share with you most likely to protect you from the ill will he's feeling. Just my two cents and a hunch.
If that's not it, many Catholics feel very comfortable in Episcopal churches, and a good many of them are liberal and gay affirming
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I'd say leave the choice to your children.
But at least because of my religious upbringing I know what I'm choosing and why.
If you want your children to have a religious upbringing then at least send them to a religious school and church that accepts gay couples.
