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Jesus came upon a small crowd who had surrounded a young woman they believed to be an adulteress. They were preparing to stone her to death.
To calm the situation, Jesus said: "Whoever is without sin among you, let them cast the first stone."
Suddenly, an old lady at the back of the crowd picked up a huge rock and lobbed it at the young woman, scoring a direct hit on her head. The unfortunate young lady collapsed dead on the spot.
Jesus looked over towards the old lady and said: "Do you know, Mother, sometimes you really **** me off."
That was funny! Reminds me of this one.
Jesus dies and goes up to Heaven. The first thing he does is look for his father, as he has never met the man before and is curious as to what he looks like, and whether or not Jesus looks like his mother or father, etc. He looks high and low but cannot find him.
He asks St. Peter "Where is my father?" But St. Peter says he doesn't know.
He asks the archangel Gabriel "Where is my father?" But Gabriel doesn't know.
He asks John the Baptist "Where is my father?" But John does not know. So he wanders Heaven, impatiently searching.
Suddenly he sees out of the mist an old man coming toward him. The man is very old, with white hair, stooped over a little. "Stop!" Jesus yells. "Who are you?"
"Oh, please help me, I am an old man in search of my son." Jesus is very curious. Could this be his father? "Tell me of your son, old man."
"Oh, you would know him if you saw him. Holes in his hand where the nails used to be, he was nailed to a cross, you know..."
Rabbi Goldman and Cardinal Sicola were lifelong friends. The cardinal confided to the rabbi that he believed there was a good chance he'd be elected as the next pope. But after the ballots were all cast, he was devastated to learn that he didn't receive even a single vote.
He said to the rabbi, "I didn't realize my colleagues held me in such low esteem." And the rabbi replied, "My dear cardinal, please do not imagine for a minute that any of your colleagues think badly of you. I know for a fact that they hold you in the highest regard. But I suspect they all thought the same thing: if each one voted for you and you became pope, how would it sound to call you Pope Sicola?"
I saw this one somewhere else on the forum in a different thread. Can't remember who posted it though.
Dave, John and Sam were involved in a horrific car accident in which all three died. As they stood at the gates of heaven, Saint Peter came up to them and said,
'You will all be given a method of transportation for your eternal use around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds and will have your transport chosen accordingly'
Saint Peter looked at Dave.
'You, Dave, were a bad man. You cheated on your wife four times. For this you will drive around heaven in an old, beat-up Skoda.'
Next Saint Peter looked at John.
'You were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times. For this you will forever travel through heaven in a Lada station wagon.'
Saint Peter finally looked at Sam.
'You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex before marriage and you never cheated on your wife. For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari.'
A short time later, John and Dave pulled their cars next to Sam's Ferrari and there he is, sitting on the bonnet, head in hands, crying.
'What's wrong Sam?' they asked. 'You got the Ferrari. You're set forever. Why so down?'
Sam looked up ever so slowly, opened his mouth and cried,...
Spoiler
'I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard.'
I'm not Catholic but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
Last edited by saucywench; 03-24-2010 at 12:02 PM..
“Centuries ago, sailors on long voyages used to leave a pair of pigs on every deserted island. Or they'd leave a pair of goats. Either way, on any future visit, the island would be a source of meat. These islands, they were pristine. These were home to breeds of birds with no natural predators. Breeds of birds that lived nowhere else on earth. The plants there, without enemies they evolved without thorns or poisons. Without predators and enemies, these islands, they were paradise. The sailors, the next time they visited these islands, the only things still there would be herds of goats or pigs. .... Does this remind you of anything? Maybe the ol' Adam and Eve story? .... You ever wonder when God's coming back with a lot of barbecue sauce?”
Some I've heard elsewhere that I'll alter a bit. These might oddly enough be offensive to me, but I'm toning some down a bit to avoid that.
***
A man on vacation playing golf notices a dwarfish man drowning. He goes to rescue the man, but unknown to him the man is actually a leprechaun. The leprechaun is so delighted he tells the man who saved him "From now on my magic will assure that you will be both lucky with money and get lucky with the beautiful lasses." The man says "Is that supposed to be funny?" then walks away.
Several years later the leprechaun sees the man on a park bench. The man does not seem all that happy though. The leprechaun asks him questions
"Do you believe now that I truly am a leprechaun?"
The man nods agreement.
"Have you been lucky with money?"
The man tells him "Yes. It seemed like any time I'd buy a lottery card as a lark it would be a winner. Then when I went on a Bingo trip to Oklahoma I made $100,000. And my taxes always go better than I'd expect."
The leprechaun smiled. "And the women? How many beautiful women have you bedded since last we met?"
The man sighed, "Three."
The leprechaun frowned, "Just three?"
The man, "That's three more than there should have been. See when I saved you I was a Catholic priest."
****
A woman dies and is told that here, wherever here is, you get to do the things your religion or philosophy denied you in life.
The first group she sees contains many people playing strip poker and watching porn. She's told "these are the Catholics."
The second group is drinking beer and smoking big cigars. "These are Mormons."
The third group is playing video games and driving dune buggies. "These are Amish."
The fourth group is dancing to rock music and gambling. "These are Baptists."
The fifth group is at an "all you can eat" bacon sandwich place. "These are Jews."
The sixth group each woman has several attractive men willing to please her. "These are Muslims, here their women get to be polygamous."
The seventh group is having a steak dinner. She thinks a bit "Hindus?" and is told "Correct, I think you have the hang of it so I won't need to tell you what the eighth group is."
The eighth group appeared to just be regular people having conversations at dinner tables. She observes their behavior, but nothing seems unusual. "Maybe you will, because I'm stumped. Who are they?"
"These are Unitarians. They can now eat with the wrong fork."
Last edited by Thomas R.; 05-21-2010 at 04:09 AM..
Someone rep me please!! My rep count is 666 and I need to change it now. Thanks.
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Reminds me of this one.
