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Okay will respond. I take the word "estranged" to mean that the children (Adults) have a major conflict with one or two of their parents.....could be the Son in Law or Daughter in Law having some harsh words and as a result have NO communication with his/her parents. The children (Grandchildren) do not see the Grandparents also as a result they are "estranged".
Now during my early marriage yrs my wife had a few words with my mother and as a result we were "estranged" for a while......NO visitations of any kind and I was the only child to my parents.
Fast forward to 1973 when my wife passed away in five months at age 43 from Cancer while my kids (4 boys and 3 girls) 13-21 were left without a mother.
Being self employed and trying to run my business along with watching the kids things were taking their toll.
The kids shared a resentment towards me that they carried on even up to this day I believe.
Fast forward again to 1996 when I fully retired to Baja Mexico since there was NO visitation by the married children earlier I decided Mexico warm beach climate would do me just fine and have been here since.
As to the word "estrangement" that would apply to the siblings as they hardly ever got together or communicate via phone or e-mail from what I gathered over the years from my Oldest Grand daughter and pictures of my 1st Great Grand daughter that I met for the first time when she was 2 months old and now is age 4.
I do get a thank you card for the birthday money I send each year.
I made a self rule not to overstep my bounds with my childrens marriages but was low key all the time but still around.
Now as to Fathers day......where have I heard that word before...has been over 35 yrs since anyone called me to say Happy Fathers day dad. I have received that from strangers here on C-D.
Last e-mail from middle son "are you still alive"?
Now to the end of my story. Last year I had several mini strokes (TIA'S).
Since April this year have had (3) what the VA calls a Heart Attack along with (4) minor dizzy spells that are also symptoms. I should/could have called for an Ambulance but with your head spinning like a Tornado and holding on to the wall to keep from falling to the floor I was unable to see my phone let alone make a call. They happened at night and in the morning saw that my closest neighbors were not around.
Two of the attacks happened within the past week and I was unable to call for help. In the morning was able to call a friend that offered to take me to the VA Hospital at 2 PM which would have been a 2-1/2 hour drive. I called him back and said forget it I will just relax and see it thru.
As for my children, they never phone or e-mail me except for my oldest Grand Daughter......from the others....nothing.
Fathers day...nothing for over 35 yrs as if I did not exist.....no family arguments or the like.
Tried to type here but lost a C-D connection of sorts so do not wish to repeat what I may have typed earlier.
There is a lot more but have taken enough space just to show that a disconnection is more prevalent then "estrangement"
Steve, my heart goes out to you, sir. I'm tearing up reading your post. I think the difference in you and me, is that I am a cry baby. Where you just accept it (not like we have any choice), I mourn over not hearing from my son.
Steve, please try to explain to me how it was okay that you did not speak to your mom (being her only child) because she and your wife had words. I am asking you will all respect, and wanting to know because that must be how my son is thinking.
I want you to have a very close friend, close enough to help you, in case your health fails and you need them there. You have touched my heart. Thank you so much for taking the time to share your experience.
Steve Bagu: Wow, you have been through a lot. I am sorry you have been so ill. I have found when I am ill, things seem to grow in my thinking, I make them worse than they really are.
I am not downplaying your situation. I'm just saying for me when I am sick and alone I have a sharper thought of how lonely I am, how I wish my kids and I could be friends, and the reasons we are not.
I think it's important to first of all get rid of the blame self game some of us play. Something we did, something we didn't do, say or didn't say. We never seem to remember our children are not children anymore, they are full grown adults. Why they think as they do is beyond me.
I wonder if you should tell your friends in Mexico what is going on with your health. Ask them to take turns checking up on you. Maybe not all of them, but some will take you seriously and will want to help you. But they can't help until they know you need it.
Try to remember you are not alone. I went through a tough time with glaucoma and eye surgeries and still may need yet another surgery on one of my eyes. Through it all, never heard from either of my two grown children. But realistically, they might not have known about it due to all the estrangement over the years.
Lack of patience has always been a problem for me. I have had to learn the hard way if I want something to continue, I have to exercise patience and let things happen as each day opens. Can't force someone to do something unless you are prepared for them to disappear again.
Okay will respond. I take the word "estranged" to mean that the children (Adults) have a major conflict with one or two of their parents.....could be the Son in Law or Daughter in Law having some harsh words and as a result have NO communication with his/her parents. The children (Grandchildren) do not see the Grandparents also as a result they are "estranged".
Now during my early marriage yrs my wife had a few words with my mother and as a result we were "estranged" for a while......NO visitations of any kind and I was the only child to my parents.
Fast forward to 1973 when my wife passed away in five months at age 43 from Cancer while my kids (4 boys and 3 girls) 13-21 were left without a mother.
Being self employed and trying to run my business along with watching the kids things were taking their toll.
The kids shared a resentment towards me that they carried on even up to this day I believe.
Fast forward again to 1996 when I fully retired to Baja Mexico since there was NO visitation by the married children earlier I decided Mexico warm beach climate would do me just fine and have been here since.
As to the word "estrangement" that would apply to the siblings as they hardly ever got together or communicate via phone or e-mail from what I gathered over the years from my Oldest Grand daughter and pictures of my 1st Great Grand daughter that I met for the first time when she was 2 months old and now is age 4.
I do get a thank you card for the birthday money I send each year.
I made a self rule not to overstep my bounds with my childrens marriages but was low key all the time but still around.
Now as to Fathers day......where have I heard that word before...has been over 35 yrs since anyone called me to say Happy Fathers day dad. I have received that from strangers here on C-D.
Last e-mail from middle son "are you still alive"?
Now to the end of my story. Last year I had several mini strokes (TIA'S).
Since April this year have had (3) what the VA calls a Heart Attack along with (4) minor dizzy spells that are also symptoms. I should/could have called for an Ambulance but with your head spinning like a Tornado and holding on to the wall to keep from falling to the floor I was unable to see my phone let alone make a call. They happened at night and in the morning saw that my closest neighbors were not around.
Two of the attacks happened within the past week and I was unable to call for help. In the morning was able to call a friend that offered to take me to the VA Hospital at 2 PM which would have been a 2-1/2 hour drive. I called him back and said forget it I will just relax and see it thru.
As for my children, they never phone or e-mail me except for my oldest Grand Daughter......from the others....nothing.
Fathers day...nothing for over 35 yrs as if I did not exist.....no family arguments or the like.
Tried to type here but lost a C-D connection of sorts so do not wish to repeat what I may have typed earlier.
There is a lot more but have taken enough space just to show that a disconnection is more prevalent then "estrangement"
Hi Steve, and thanks for the detailed post about your situation. The whole thing makes me wonder though. Are you/ have you been OK with the situation with your children? Some people would be, I think. Some people maybe just want to be alone, and keep in touch from afar, if that. I don't know if I see myself in you someday or not. I would think you had a pretty close relationship with your children, as teenagers after your wife passed away so young, so it is a little surprising the relationship turned into pretty much nothing not to long after that. Was there some event(s) that set this situation up?
Thanks again, your story is/has been interesting (to me).
The siblings just kind of went on their own after their mother died and I sold the house under desperation/headache.
My mother summed it up one day when she said " the kids fell apart after **** died".....need I add more?.
I do feel that children regardless of age need to respect their parent(s) and should be the first to check on them via a phone call or a e-mail verifying things are OKAY (none of which I have received)
I was the only child and was in constant contact with my parents (I was self employed and worked many hours) up until my mothers passing at 80 and my dad at 86.....I will be 84 in Aug w/o another heart attack.
Oh Boy, am starting to sound like a "Whoa Me pity thread".....no such object here as I'm just using C-D as a therapist.
No Steve, you dont sound at all like pity me! You sound like a strong person to me, that doesnt put any holds on anyone. Well didnt you say there was an estrangement between you and your mom because of words between your mom and wife?
Estrangement can come out of nowhere, one minute you think you have a good relationship then a word or two is said that can't be retracted or forgotten. I am estranged from a brother who came at me and my husband with his finger in our faces at our mother's funeral. He got even more bent out of shape when we didn't go back to his house after the funeral for more abuse. Up to then, we got along. He was always a hothead but we managed a decent sibling relationship. Now it's been 10 years of estrangement.
I have one grown child, a son who I think we have a good relationship with but he's engaged to be marred to a bossy woman and he's handed over the reins so time will tell. I try my best but this walking on egg shells is killing me.
I don't think there's room for judgment. There's no getting into anyone's head, no matter how close we think we are to them, and knowing the perception of what's going on at any given time. Estrangement happens.
Our youngest child and only son is involved with a woman we can't stand to be around. He has known her since high school and this is the "love" of his life. We provide for him a nice small home free of rent so he can finish college I found out that he moved her in a few months ago. She is the mother of a 4 year old she does not have custody of and is a couch hopper, going from "relationship" to relationship and room to room. She is 27 and works small retail jobs, dumb as a rock. We all know she is using him and he is going to get hurt badly by this gal. We try to keep our mouths shut but her using the utilities we pay for, the roof we pay for and who knows what else...really hurts. I love my son and do not want to cut ties with him but I feel and understand the pain that others have when things just go south.
Your mention of the kids "falling apart" after their mother's death made me stop and think.
My situation is different in that I am divorced after years of my ex-husband's infidelity, the kids growing up and leaving home, and me not wanting to put up with that anymore. My daughter cut me off without explanation. She would never tell me what was wrong.
She has recently re-entered my life and so far, so good. Only about a month. We are talking about "real" stuff with emphasis on her hard life (her choice of conversation). I asked her if she could tell me what happened, why she cut me out of her life..... her response is that she can't remember.
Let's face it, most mothers have a lot more influence than fathers, especially one that works long hours. Didn't happen that way in my case, but, whatever your wife had against your parents could very possibly have been passed on to the kids. It happened in my case because my ex's family had more money, & I also was abused as a child & I was very liberal with visitation as I wanted him around a 'normal' family. Not the best decision I ever made in life.
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