How do you move on without romantic love after 60+ when you are still wired for that connection? (physically, emotionally)

[Three Wolves In Snow]

Originally Posted by MoveNOn

After a loss, we grieve. Grief is supposed to be an important process because it allows for the acceptance of the loss and makes it easier to “move on.” I’ve had lots of loss in the last few years and moved on. Some were planned and others were not; loss of marriage, loss of life style, loss of home and living location, loss of career, loss of parents, loss of pets, loss of dreams. Well, I am having difficulty “moving on” because the probability of moving on to what I desire is near 0. I can’t substitute a romantic relationship with new friendships, family, dogs, hobbies, volunteer service, religious beliefs, political affiliations, etc. I was single half my life, and have always been independent, so I am not reacting to being “alone”. I am happy with me, but I would be more content as a “we”.

I’ve learned the hard way, that at my age, men don’t “want” women my age. And statistically, the number of available men is shrinking daily. Even therapists advise: expect to be alone. After much disappointment and scars, I am finally starting to grieve an important dream – a fundamental need for a loving spouse/partner to share the rest of my life with. That means, for starters, no frequent, pleasant, stable, reciprocal interactions with the same person; no hugs, kisses, sex, trusting support and acceptance; no concerned caring, dependable shared dinners or trips; not being a priority in someone else’s life and he in mine.

What have some of you have done in my situation? How do you repress/suppress a basic human need and feel healthy?

I am a young looking and spirited 60+, divorced, no children, financially comfortable in retirement, life-long learner, politically moderate, socially liberal, not religious. I retired early (successful career), divorced, moved to a new state.

You can try to suppress it....but it will never be healthy. Trust me on that one. No matter how much you start lying to yourself that you're doing just fine.

[MoveNOn]

Folks, we all need a sense of community, someplace safe to go when you feel fear, need support, or want to share joy. Loneliness and isolation feed fear. There is a welcomed virtual community developing here - thank you.
I've always been independent and sometimes there is a price for being a bit unconventional or noncomforming. I've accepted that. But, my relatively recent entre into "senior" dating had totally unexpected results. I was thrown for a loop (nothing like it was 30+ years ago, but then, neither am I ). My career was based on dealing with ambiguity, but perhaps I am not as opened minded as I thought. Comments from matisse12, biscuitmom, and other women online and offline are comforting - there's a community of women with similar experiences in some areas. I don't meet them in person. I know these are just 2 examples and I don't mean to leave anyone out. I am getting over the shock of senior dating and ageism. It's not just my "imagination", or my "negative" perceptions, and I am not "too picky". I am feminine enough, not desperate, have no major baggage, it is a numbers game for the most part, and enjoying platonic male relationships isn't weird . I walked in naively to a situation far more difficult than I ever expected because I really didn't understand it. (Hmm! - my judgment on social capital may need "discernment" tuning considering my move was also a misfit.) You've made good suggestions -except going the lesbian route - confirming I am doing most things mentioned and a couple of new thoughts. I am okay, but I am changing my expectations (which I did not want to do)...
Great reality check folks. Thank you.
(As I am writing this the news is issuing a Tornedo warning for most of the day. Seems fitting - a whirlwind to watch out for. I hear the thunder - better go.)

[BlackShoe]

Originally Posted by matisse12

Blackshoe, the fact that your preferred age for a woman to date is 5 to 10 years younger than yourself (15 at the most) describes exactly one of the problems and walls we are talking about.

You seem to be trying to offer support, but then you state exactly what one of the huge areas of ageism and discrimination is - that you PREFER women 5 to 10 years younger than yourself!

And why is that? It's because, heaven forbid, you don't want a woman who is old in any way. And society has set it up so that you preferring a woman 5 or 10 years younger (or up to 15 years) than yourself is the accepted norm.

This isn't a major point here, just mentioning the irony of the content of your post.

I did not state my age, but as many may surmise, the age of the OP falls within my preferred range. I am actually considered to be quite forgiving on the age gap issue, many men my age go for much younger women, often as much as 15-30 years younger. Men as young as 50 often date much younger women than just 5-10 years, and I am well over 50. The older the man the greater this spread becomes. It has long been a fact of life since humankind began that men prefer women younger than themselves. It is hard wired into us, and there is absolutely nothing that can or ever will be done to change that. Forget the recent fad of younger men and "Cougars", it is just a blip on society with no relevance to seniors. Yes, it is terribly unfair, on that we can all agree. Have never said that the age issue is an absolute with me. Were I to meet and fall in love with a woman my age or even a bit older, would have no hesitation to commit.

[Ariadne22]

Originally Posted by matisse12

Blackshoe, the fact that your preferred age for a woman to date is 5 to 10 years younger than yourself (15 at the most) describes exactly one of the problems and walls we are talking about.

You seem to be trying to offer support, but then you state exactly what one of the huge areas of ageism and discrimination is - that you PREFER women 5 to 10 years younger than yourself!

Hmmm.... the 5-10 years didn't bother me - seems realistic, actually. Most wives are younger than their husbands - at least those I know. His point was he preferred women his own age on the basis of shared life experiences - although he might consider someone younger, believing that more than 15 years younger was probably too young. That's how I read it, although I do see a bit of red when I read about 69 y/o men marrying 35 y/o women. Clearly, the man needs to relive his youth. In the end, it is always all about how your SO make you feel. If that SO is young and wants children, some old guys are up for that. Whatever floats your boat.

[BlackShoe]

Originally Posted by Ariadne22

Hmmm.... the 5-10 years didn't bother me - seems realistic, actually. Most wives are younger than their husbands - at least those I know. His point was he preferred women his own age on the basis of shared life experiences - although he might consider someone younger, believing that more than 15 years younger was probably too young.

Nailed it exactly, thank you.

[trobesmom]

MoveOn, never give up hope. My precious father-in-law reconnected (having known her and her husband decades ago) with his present and only girlfriend at the age of 79. He is now 90 and she is 88. They just got back from a two-week cruise. You never know what life has in store for you.

[brightdoglover]

Originally Posted by accufitgolf

I used to say I would remarry but as I age I realize I do not want the responsibility/concern of another person in my life. A lady friend and exclusive, yes. Close, sharing, financial independence, respectful, funny, loving, spirited, sexual, etc., yes. Married and/or living together, no.

I didn't think the OP was talking about marriage. I thought she was talking about the same kind of connection that the above poster is writing about. I doubt she's had all of the above available but was uninterested because it wasn't marriage/cohabiting.

[accufitgolf]

We men are only as old as the women we are feeling......

[accufitgolf]

Originally Posted by brightdoglover

I didn't think the OP was talking about marriage. I thought she was talking about the same kind of connection that the above poster is writing about. I doubt she's had all of the above available but was uninterested because it wasn't marriage/cohabiting.

The OP did say a fundamental need for a loving spouse/partner so maybe she goes into it looking at the end play of a spouse.

Based on what she said she about herself she does sound interesting. I think she would be an attractive "package" (she would to me) but I think many men would draw the line at marriage. I would.

What the heck do I know...I am married...LOL

[RiverBird]

Originally Posted by Gawgee

I'm 54 and been alone for the past 12 years. Its lonely at times, I really wish I could get a hug or someone just to talk to. I'm not ugly, but I do look my age and I'm 30 pounds over weight. I know my chances are slim to none in finding someone. For years I didn't even think I'd ever want to go there again. Been burned so many many times. Now I find myself actually needing a companion. I hate the thought of growing older and never being able to share my life with someone. I have some health issues that prevent me from doing a lot of things. Like dancing or really long walks. About a block or two and I have to sit.(permanent nerve damage in back and neck and arthritis) I think, who would want me anyway. I moved to the coast because I love the beach. I know NOBODY in this town. Don't know how or where to go to meet anyone. I love to sing, but usually that means going to a bar with a lot of drunks. I can't stand that. I worked as a karaoke host for years and never got use to the people that drank until they couldn't walk.
Where do I start?

Where do you live on the East coast? If you say what town or city, help could be on the way. We CD'ers are great at sleuthing.