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I feel lucky to have a cooperative DH who has stepped up when needed. And I have done so for him. As it is now, we share indoor household duties. I do "supervise" but generally we both do specific jobs. It works pretty well. The reason he cooperates is because he doesn't want to spend money on a cleaning service. So he has motivation.
However, he isn't much of a caregiver. He would bring me food though. But he either nags, wants me to "watch it" and "be careful" or fails to grasp how I feel. If I was really sick, I think he'd call the doc or take me to urgent care, but I don't think he'd know how to care for me. I,on the other hand, would listen to the doc, and I'd do everything I could to help him get better.
However, he does the best he can. I don't know why men of our generation don't know how to take care of people, but many of them don't. I don't fear being abandoned--there is that.
I think the OP wants to be cared for. Her DH isn't caring for her because he is selfish, or he doesn't know how, or for some other reason. I don't think she can change him. She states there have been other signs along the way.
I think she needs to have a heart to heart about what she needs. Give him basic instructions. Tell him that he will have to pick it up when she is unable to do what she normally does. If he won't, then she might have to hire some help for some things. But there isn't any cure for another's thoughtlessness or refusal to take responsibility. And people don't change much, IMO, after age 35.
There have some other, excellent posts about demanding better medical care. It seems to be the same problem in both cases, doesn't it?
Also, if you aren’t getting better don’t be afraid to get a second or third opinion and ask for referrals to specialists. Between the note taking and the second opinions the doctors will make sure to get you cured. It is very sad that we have to do this, but I’ve learned that it works.
I like your idea of note-taking.
I try to ask questions but sometimes forget parts of the answers, so I think you're on to something there. I'm also aware I have a tendency to want to please medical professionals and I have to actively work to quash the doc-pleaser part of my personality. A notebook should help with that, too, by keeping me focused.
There are a couple of other current threads that I wouldn't mind seeing moved but this one very much belongs here in retirement.
The ups-and-downs of spousal/partner caretaking are very much an issue for this particular stage in life.
It's one thing when your partner neglects or abandons you at 20, 30, 40, 50.
It's altogether another at 60 or 70.
I have a herniated disk at L5, have had it since the second week of June. Painkillers don't touch it. So far physical therapy has provided only momentary relief. I do my exercises (trunk rotations, "clams", working the transverse abdominus, etc.) assiduously and ice my lower back three times a day. About once a week I seem to get a couple of pain-free hours in which I can leave the house to do crucial errands. Except for that and PT, I am housebound. The pain down my left leg is searing. I can't roll over in bed. Now I have a bruised hip because I can't roll over.
Enough of that.
Early in our relationship, long before we were married, we had "the talk" about old age and how scary the prospect was. I remember it so clearly. We had our arms entwined. We swore that we would always take care of each other.
Did you have a similar discussion?
On Friday nights we have dinner with friends. The pain was too intense for me to go tonight. I apologized to our friends. I know DH was disappointed. I knew he thought I should have gone to support him no matter how I felt. He came home 90 minutes later empty-handed. Not even so much as a takeout carton of soup.
I guess I must be weird because if I had a sick or hurting spouse at home who couldn't get out, I would bring him food! I was at a trade show in Las Vegas once, not due home for a few days. He called me, all stuffed up with a cold. I quickly ascertained he had not eaten and had no plans of eating, so I phoned our favorite Italian restaurant and had them deliver a meatball sandwich and a quart of minestrone as a surprise.
You do what needs to be done to take care of your partner, right? Am I completely off-base here?
We had a nice calm rational discussion earlier this week where I explained what I can and cannot do with this injury. For example, I can't bend over. I pointed out the physical things I typically do -- laundry, litterbox cleaning, dishwasher loading, lifting heavy objects, etc. He said he would do them. And I've been telling people he's doing them.
But he isn't.
As you might guess, this didn't suddenly start this week. He's promised to do things before in our 25 year relationship and -- I'm going to be charitable here -- forgot. When asked about it, he gets super-defensive and claims it's my fault because I didn't remind him to do it. It usually doesn't get that far because, like the moron I am, I just do the task myself silently in order to avoid a fight.
Bottom line: Is there any chance at all I can count on this man to take care of me in retirement? Did your spouse bail on you and were there signs all along?
Can't help you on predicting the future. But I can tell you what has helped with my herniated discs.
1. Physical therapy of ANY kind will HURT YOU, not help you. Even now, two years after the injury, any time I try to do any type of PT, I am set back to agony and sciatica. But if I comply with the following advice, I am fine, and totally pain free.
2. Sleep on the floor, flat on your back, with a pillow under your knees and a small pillow under your head. Pad the floor only as much as you need to, to be able to sleep. The idea is that you are putting yourself into traction every night - the weight of your body pressing down against the floor will cause your spine to stretch out over night, thus relieving pressure on the disc.
3. Diclofenac (Voltaren) 75 mg every 12 -24 hrs helped me, and others I know. It's an anti-inflammatory. Cheap. Prescription. If you are having back muscle spasms, try adding flexaril, 5-10 mg.
4. WALK! As far as you can, multiple times a day. Don't bend, reach, or carry. But walk, increasing as you can stand it to miles a day. I know that right now it's probably all you can stand to just walk to the bathroom, but WALK! Do laps in the house, and then go outside and walk outside.
5. If you have weakness in the leg or foot, or foot drop (meaning that you cannot flex your foot upwards at the ankle), then you need surgery. Go see a neurosurgeon or an orthopedic surgeon who specializes in microdiskectomy.
Fluffy, please get this taken care of. I was in a car accident, person ran a red light & crashed me into a steel barrier. The insurance company made me go through so many hoops, chiropractor, physical therapy, spinal injections, before the spinal injection doctor said I needed an MRI. This was 2 years after the accident. The MRI showed degenerative disc between L4 &L5 & my sciatic nerve was pinched & had been pinched for the entire time. I can walk now, after surgery, but will never again be able to bend.
Don't let it go please. If taken care of right away you might still be able to bend.
Bottom line: Is there any chance at all I can count on this man to take care of me in retirement? Did your spouse bail on you and were there signs all along?
Bottom line: No.
Not necessarily that he will pack up and leave, but I wouldn't count on him for caregiving. Doesn't seem like he is wired for that.
You can give him gentle reminders and clear expectations, but I'd check into Long Term Care insurance if I were you.
And for now, I hire someone to come in and change the cat litter box, clean the house once a week, etc. You can order groceries and even have them delivered if you are not up to driving over to pick them up. Get set up with a service like Hello Fresh that will deliver all the ingredients for tasty meals that require minimal preparations.
I'd also recommend that you see a good chiropractor and consider swimming.
I used to do welfare checks on the elderly as part of my job. There are tons of old men being cared for by old women with such severe dementia they don't know which end is up. There are also tons of women who need care who aren't getting it while their clueless but capable husbands watch the news and work crossword puzzles.
There are attentive husbands, but doesn't sound like your husband is one of them. Forget the promises you two made years ago. You have concrete evidence that the guy isn't a caregiver. Don't pin your hopes on him.
Last edited by GotHereQuickAsICould; 08-02-2015 at 04:52 AM..
However, he isn't much of a caregiver. He would bring me food though. But he either nags, wants me to "watch it" and "be careful" or fails to grasp how I feel. If I was really sick, I think he'd call the doc or take me to urgent care, but I don't think he'd know how to care for me. I,on the other hand, would listen to the doc, and I'd do everything I could to help him get better.
However, he does the best he can. I don't know why men of our generation don't know how to take care of people, but many of them don't. I don't fear being abandoned--there is that.
I think the OP wants to be cared for. Her DH isn't caring for her because he is selfish, or he doesn't know how, or for some other reason. I don't think she can change him. She states there have been other signs along the way.
Very wise post.
Quote:
I think my objection was to the level of generalization involved in the target(s) of the anger; when someone writes invective about "men" without any qualifiers (just substitute "women" and change the specifics a little to see if you think it's acceptable), then that is objectionable per se.
I don't think it is of much use to describe the calling out of the characteristics exhibited by men as caregivers as hatred or "great anger". There is a difference in the way men and women care for others and each other. Reasons may be partly biological, partly environmental but it is undeniable. Women are better care givers instinctively but this behavior can be learned as there are excellent nurses among both men and women. Then there are selfish and heartless people all around.
Accepting that helps us to move on and find solutions to the kind of problem the original poster has. It is an unnecessary burden to feel emotionally abandoned by one'e partner when one is already debilitated.
Better to appreciate the strength in the way men provide care and get help with other areas they are poor in. Sensitivity does not always come naturally but it can be taught. In the mean time get help from other sources.
There is a special place in hell for people that roll through the good times and bail when things get rough. Unfortunately it's all too common. Normally there is some indication that this might be the case which is why I suspect that the OP might be worrying. Of course get thee to a doctor OP and get your wheels working as well as you can but keep your eyes open for the pattern. If DH tends to take a powder, withdraws or makes everything about him when the going gets tough, be aware of this.
I'm sorry Curm and others that are dealing with this and yes, never ever getting the luxury of being "off duty" for even a day in a relationship can build great anger and worst of all fear of what may happen if the disability is permanent. I've seen it. It's not a way to live. I'd sooner not be married. Fortunately we are pretty well balanced in rowing the boat in our household and my DH can be taught as can I.
I'm off to Urgent Care in a few minutes since two painfully sleepless nights in a row are too much to bear. Parentologist's recommendations -- very much appreciated! I'll take my iPad with me and show it to the doc.
I'm letting DH sleep as he was up very late last night excessively worrying about me. It seems it's a pendulum: At one end he's oblivious and the other he's asking if there's anything he can get me every few minutes. Spurred, no doubt, by my mini-meltdown on Friday.
I'll post an update when I get back. You are all wonderful.
Maybe some people are just born caregivers, but I don't think it's related to the XX chromosomes. I think most people have to learn to be caregivers -- how many new mothers have looked at their newborns and thought, "What am I supposed to do with THIS?" Must admit, I was one of those mothers. But I learned.
I was my husband's caregiver for the last five years of his life. He was in a wheelchair because of Parkinson's and other problems, and he became gradually weaker and gradually slipped deeper into dementia. Many times I wished that I had gone to nursing school rather than law school -- it would have been a lot more useful.
I had to learn how to take care of him. Between instruction from visiting nurses and getting online help (YouTube, various caregiver forums, etc.) I figured it out, mostly. I wouldn't say I was very skilled at it, though.
Fortunately for both of us, he was very kind and considerate, and he often told me how grateful he was for my caregiving. If he had been a nasty patient, I'm not sure I would have lasted as long as I did.
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Sense or Semantics?
