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A little background: As those who have read some of my past posts might know, I felt the need to sell my condo at a considerable loss at the bottom of the market in the real estate downturn of a few years ago, hoping to take advantage of the then-low prices to find a better place (better not in the sense that it would be more upscale but where there would not be the particular issues/concerns I was experiencing where I was, and where I would feel better situated for my upcoming retirement years).
Long story short, I found that more places than I'd realized (in my lower price range) were having similar issues or for other reasons would not have offered peace of mind (vis-a-vis being a good home for retirement and not another mistake), and while I was researching and weighing options prices began another rapid upturn. (Most places I'm looking at now are selling for twice as much, and sometimes even considerably more, compared to just a few years ago when I sold my condo--again, this is in a lower price range, a range that is in demand because there is limited, if any, new housing being constructed where I live to replace these affordable older construction homes and condos.)
I'm grateful to have a roof over my head (as a renter) but would have liked to have had the feeling (possibly somewhat illusory, as nothing in life is guaranteed, but a comforting, grounding feeling nonetheless) of relative permanence that comes from owning rather than renting. And, like anyone, I would prefer to have had a more successful outcome to any project that I put so much time and effort into. (I kept thinking, if I just keep on this full steam, I can get it done in a final burst of energy and then it'll be behind me and I can get on with the rest of my life--but that didn't happen.)
I'm fortunate, though, that I generally have, for whatever reason or combination of reasons, the perspective of gratitude for the good things I do have. It's not a rose-colored-glasses type of thing, but just the ability to not make myself unhappy by comparing myself only to people who are better off while ignoring the reality that there are other people who are worse off, and so I have much to be grateful for.
So with that as context, my gift: I was talking to some of the kids in the neighborhood who were wandering by while I was working on something outside my front door. Usually my front door is closed, but at that moment just the screen door was closed and so I guess one little girl looked inside, into my living room (modest, small condo, but with a cheerful paint color on the walls and with the touch of charm that white wicker can bring). She came over to talk to me, and one of the things she said was "I like your house"!
It caught me completely by surprise, and it was just such a lovely moment for me, to have this little girl look at my living room through eyes that saw the same thing I see and affirm my sense that (renting vs. owning notwithstanding) I'm very lucky to have what I have.
(And as others have said, this thread is a gift too--thank you!)
A similar thing happened to me recently. I always thought of my home as modest. We did all the renovations with the help of a contractor son. It's an old farmhouse that at the outset did not have many redeeming qualities (in fact it was a disaster), except that the houses surrounding are somewhat impressive...esp the one right next door, which for New England is a lovely home. Even after all our renovations I felt it was so modest, but we own it without a mortgage so that was compensating.
Last month we contracted to have a section of fence put up. When the contractor came into our house he praised it as really nice, well appointed, with several wows as he went from the l.r. to the kitchen to do the paperwork. I stepped back with new eyes after that to see how really nice this place is, and the realization came through the eyes of a stranger. He was also impressed with my artwork on the walls (semi-abstract, not immediately easy to grasp as images) and now I've a new appreciation for that too, which I've long let lapse.
Sometimes we take things for granted or become jaded.
Thank you for this thread. I just got home. Something very strange happened to me today and it's along the theme of this thread. I don't know how to make it short but I'll try. I am still shaking.
I went to the bank. It was closed but the foyer with the ATM was open. A man wearing a huge crucifix was at the machine and we started talking. Turned out we were the same age and he started to tell me his life story. Sad (his daughter died and he has her kids living with him, he has put the inheritance into a trust for her kids, etc.)
Soon another woman our age came in. The three of us were in our world, attracted as if by a magnetic force. Her story was similar to my own--a fall from a normal life due to a horrible ex--but she had owned EIGHT homes, several BOATS, on and on. AND this guy has turned her grown kids away from her. AND, this guy has now scammed FIVE wives (including her) out of their money. She was married for 24 years! Worse than what my ex did to me and my ex had PTSD so he didn't really mean to do it.
She knows she taught her kids well, she knows they are overseas somewhere with high powered jobs. She told of how it hurt so much on Christmas to not be able to contact her kids. She knows she has grandchildren too. The ex is a sociopath, charms people to the hilt, fools everyone, and gets away with it every time. Of course he has "bought" the kids too and has probably told them that she is a terrible person.
When I asked about exchanging phone numbers, she said she can't afford a phone yet. I gave her my number and she gave me her address. She has found an apartment in a duplex owned by a 90 year old woman who doesn't need the money. She pays the rent with section 8. She said there are people who give up and then there are people who will get back up again. We are the kind who do not give up. She, like me, has been told that she is strong. But we don't think it's about being strong, it's that you don't have any choice but to go forward. She is quite a bit about God and faith and never giving up.
I don't know what to make of this connection yet. As I said, I am still shaking. The things--like her husband opened credit cards by forging her name and having the bills sent to a P.O. box or how she would be looking for her expensive antique (fill in the blank) and he would tell her she probably got rid of it--and then it turned out he had SOLD it--I knew what she was going to say before she said it. Same things happened to me.
So today I didn't even need to be aware. I was practically hit over the head with it. There is change in the air. I need to figure out what it means. And I will become more aware from now on.
Never underestimate the influence of strangers. Quote from Riverbird who must have been typing at the same time.
Mine happened late last fall. A Caterpillar was crossing the sidewalk & my first thought was" It is way too late in the year for caterpillars", but I stood there & made sure no one stepped on it. Once it passed, I continued walking home.
Before I got there a Monarch butterfly hovered around me. What a beautiful experience! We so seldom see Monarchs here, I felt like I'd experienced a miracle & a personal thank you from God.
Even just writing it down brings back the whole experience.
I have a nice Monarch story too.
I was fishing one windy, early fall day about 30 years ago. It was windy enough that I had trouble controlling the boat. I decided to cross the lake and work the calmer water on the lee side. I was in a lightweight, 14' aluminum boat with a 15 HP outboard. I didn't dare go much more than half-throttle against the wind and waves. About half-way across the lake, a Monarch butterfly worked its way close to my boat. It was struggling against the strong wind and was hard-pressed to maintain even my boat's slow pace.
At one point it flew quite close to me and on impulse I put out my right hand, forefinger extended and offered him a lift.
He took it, much to my delight.
I tucked my hand lower, to get out of the wind a little more and he appeared to enjoy the respite. He stayed for nearly 10 minutes until we reached quieter water. When we did, I lifted up my hand and off he went.
A similar thing happened to me recently. I always thought of my home as modest. We did all the renovations with the help of a contractor son. It's an old farmhouse that at the outset did not have many redeeming qualities (in fact it was a disaster), except that the houses surrounding are somewhat impressive...esp the one right next door, which for New England is a lovely home. Even after all our renovations I felt it was so modest, but we own it without a mortgage so that was compensating.
Last month we contracted to have a section of fence put up. When the contractor came into our house he praised it as really nice, well appointed, with several wows as he went from the l.r. to the kitchen to do the paperwork. I stepped back with new eyes after that to see how really nice this place is, and the realization came through the eyes of a stranger. He was also impressed with my artwork on the walls (semi-abstract, not immediately easy to grasp as images) and now I've a new appreciation for that too, which I've long let lapse.
Sometimes we take things for granted or become jaded.
Never underestimate the influence of strangers.
Thanks for sharing (and what a nice bonus gift in that he noticed your artwork as well as your home!).
to in_newengland:
I am afraid you opened my eyes. I had thought about of so many things my husband may be capable of doing (still my husband but many sociopath delusions are on him to stay), but none of these came to my mind. Definitely more signs on my list to watch for.
"Gaslight" movie may have instructed some bad people into evil doing further than they ever thought they were capable of.
to in_newengland:
I am afraid you opened my eyes. I had thought about of so many things my husband may be capable of doing (still my husband but many sociopath delusions are on him to stay), but none of these came to my mind. Definitely more signs on my list to watch for.
"Gaslight" movie may have instructed some bad people into evil doing further than they ever thought they were capable of.
Hi, squirrel, maybe we can sidetrack for a second or two. Neither I nor this woman today can even imagine how anyone can be so evil. Our minds just don't work like the minds of a sociopath. Other things we both had in common that you might watch for were we both thought they had sent in the income taxes. We turned over our tax info to them and watched them do the taxes. She says he later ripped her part up and sent in his. I was left with thousands of $$ of unpaid taxes, she was left with 1/2 million $$. A nurse once confided to me that her husband had done the tax thing to her too and she was trying to pay it.
Check your credit report in case they are opening cards by forging your name. These people are extremely charming and know exactly what to say to people. But they have absolutely no feelings. If you need to get away from him, plan it. Do your research and figure out what to do because these sociopaths are always a few steps ahead of you. They already KNOW the good lawyers. They KNOW how the courts work. They know all the tricks in the book. I don't want to get into a dark place; this thread is full of light and awareness. Just hoping you can become more aware.
I find the best cure for being down is a walk in the outdoors, the woods, the beach, the park, it just gives you a fresh, clean perspective and takes you outside of yourself and your thoughts for a few minutes. Even if it is just to sit on a bench and watch the birds, or the kids on a playground, the little things you pick up on are truly gifts to the soul.
I like to hike, but have often wondered why I don't like to hike with a group. I've realized that having others with me chattering or striding quickly ahead distracts me from what I REALLY like about hiking...the enjoyment of nature's small miracles. A fern covered slope, an unusual mushroom, an eddy in a stream with a floating leaf that goes around and around, the tiny, intricate design of a wildflower, or the song of a bird, all bring me out of my cluttered thoughts and allow me to bask in the moment, and be truly present.
This is what I have noticed about hiking or even walking with others. Everyone is in a hurry to get somewhere or to use the hike/walk as cardio exercise. They miss so much.
This is an excellent thread. thanks Lodestar!
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