Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
someone mentioned that if you are content it means you have no aspirations? What the heck. I am content when I have the first sip of hot coffee on a cold morning. Just so nice to feel all warm inside. And content!
Exactly! There are plenty of people who we would imagine should be happy; Robin Williams comes to mind but when you suffer with depression or any other mental health issue happiness can be fleeting.
So many famous people suffer from insecurities. I saw an episode about Elizabeth Vargas - the 20/20 anchor that went off the rails. Boy what a life - always a nervous anxious person, but pushed herself to excel. Turned to alcohol to make her feel better.
Yes, I do think happiness is a choice, at least partially. Sonia Lyubormirsky is a psychologist who reviewed a whole bunch of studies on happiness and found happy people think and behave in certain ways. She documented this in her book The How of Happiness. Lyubomirsky says we have control over 40% of our happiness. 10% of our happiness is related to external circumstances, and 50% is related to genetics. But, as she points out, working with that 40% you have control over can give you a pretty nice happiness boost.
The book offers a menu of 12 options to boost your happiness. Lyubomirsky recommends trying the 3 or 4 things that resonate most with you. A lot of this stuff is probably stuff your parents or grandmother told you when you were a kid (assuming you didn't have a totally dysfunctional family). Stuff that makes people happier.
--Weekly attendance at religious services.
--Writing in a gratitude journal once a week.
--Regular exercise at least 3 times a week.
Lyubormirsky also notes that having more money/stuff boosts happiness the most for people who are poor. Once basic necessities are met, more money/stuff brings about only small amounts of additional happiness or none at all.
I read that book and agree that it seems right on. My sister is that "fake it till you make it" type and is always cheerful, no matter what. Always helping others, always upbeat. She encouraged me to write in a gratitude journal, as have many others. I'm more cynical, having seen "the dark side" too much. Going to work on that 40%, however.
As far as basic necessities being met and then not much further happiness, hmmm. What about the ability to travel, for example? That brings many people much happiness "above and beyond" but takes extra money. I'd like to, but in retirement, not really in our budget.
I read that book and agree that it seems right on. My sister is that "fake it till you make it" type and is always cheerful, no matter what.
Interesting point. The book actually talked about the "fake it 'til you make it" strategy. They said it actually works...to a point. Not a cure all, but it does lift your mood a notch if you force yourself to smile.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sand&Salt
Always helping others, always upbeat. She encouraged me to write in a gratitude journal, as have many others. I'm more cynical, having seen "the dark side" too much. Going to work on that 40%, however.
I believe she talked about the helping others thing, too. It also boosts happiness. Too much focus on self leads to less happiness. Like I said, a lot of it is stuff your grandmother (or parents) told you. It's just been scientifically verified. I have a tendency to venture into the dark side of what's happening in the world, too. But at some point, I have to realize it's good to be aware, but you gotta pull yourself away from it after a certain point. You can't make the world a better place if you focus too much on the negative stuff that's going on, 'cause then you just end up being part of the problem.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sand&Salt
As far as basic necessities being met and then not much further happiness, hmmm. What about the ability to travel, for example? That brings many people much happiness "above and beyond" but takes extra money. I'd like to, but in retirement, not really in our budget.
Yeah, I don't know about your specific example. I expect that a psychologist would say if travel isn't possible for you right now, then you would have to reframe or refocus your efforts in activities that you can do and have control over. In other words, make the most of what you do have, and be grateful for that, and don't focus on what you can't have. Happiness does take some effort.
As far as basic necessities being met and then not much further happiness, hmmm. What about the ability to travel, for example? That brings many people much happiness "above and beyond" but takes extra money. I'd like to, but in retirement, not really in our budget.
I suppose it is easy to imagine that one can buy oneself into happiness. I have read it too where one can supposedly smile oneself into happiness.
But is it the same as contentment, which I think is more lasting? As ironical as it may sound chasing (or pretending to have) that elusive happiness brings more frustration.
Contentment on the other hand is in a way cessation of aspiration, of not desiring anything, or desiring what you already have, and working through the day, one day at a time, doing something meaningful and/or important. It seems so simple and yet seemingly hard to achieve. Because we always want that elusive happiness.
I have a tendency to venture into the dark side of what's happening in the world, too. But at some point, I have to realize it's good to be aware, but you gotta pull yourself away from it after a certain point. You can't make the world a better place if you focus too much on the negative stuff that's going on, 'cause then you just end up being part of the problem.
I get that. The way I deal with it is to be aware and be engaged in whatever way I can either volunteer for an effort, donate, write about it, get involved actively. Sometimes it is overwhelming like when you see a child wiping blood off his face in a bombing in Syria. Your heart stops for a moment and then you move on. But I will act to campaign against wars.
Quote:
Yeah, I don't know about your specific example. I expect that a psychologist would say if travel isn't possible for you right now, then you would have to reframe or refocus your efforts in activities that you can do and have control over. In other words, make the most of what you do have, and be grateful for that, and don't focus on what you can't have. Happiness does take some effort
I suppose it is easy to imagine that one can buy oneself into happiness. I have read it too where one can supposedly smile oneself into happiness.
But is it the same as contentment, which I think is more lasting? As ironical as it may sound chasing (or pretending to have) that elusive happiness brings more frustration.
Contentment on the other hand is in a way cessation of aspiration, of not desiring anything, or desiring what you already have, and working through the day, one day at a time, doing something meaningful and/or important. It seems so simple and yet seemingly hard to achieve. Because we always want that elusive happiness.
I don't see why you can't be content and still desire. Content in the moment, looking forward to more moments like that. If you were content with your partner, does that mean you no longer desire him either?
Don't hold yourself back.
And also you said that you tend to ruminate on past issues. Our priest told us a story of a woman he counseled. The person she was angry with had been dead for 20 years and yet she couldn't let it go. He told her that it was useless to keep blaming the person and look inside.
We have cases like that in my family. Daughters hating their mothers. But there are known stories of the terrible things that the mothers endured in their early life. There was a reason they were "bad" moms. Its hard but have to look at what could have caused this and then try not to continue to the next generation. Be glad that you didn't.
I don't see why you can't be content and still desire. Content in the moment, looking forward to more moments like that. If you were content with your partner, does that mean you no longer desire him either?
And also you said that you tend to ruminate on past issues. Our priest told us a story of a woman he counseled. The person she was angry with had been dead for 20 years and yet she couldn't let it go. He told her that it was useless to keep blaming the person and look inside.
We have cases like that in my family. Daughters hating their mothers. But there are known stories of the terrible things that the mothers endured in their early life. There was a reason they were "bad" moms. Its hard but have to look at what could have caused this and then try not to continue to the next generation. Be glad that you didn't.
Something is not working with my quote function so i am trying to do the best way i can.
The bolded sentence : hmm, I can see how desire can have different interpretations. To have desire for a person, attraction, is different from desire for a state of being. they are both desires. if you are content in your relationship, and you desire for a different kind of relationship, that is a different thing. that kind of a desire can cause conflict, even take down your present contentment in your relationship.
Yes, I have a terrible problem with ruminating and I can really work myself up over it. Talking about it helps, writing it out and tell myself how useless it is helps and also counting my blessings. Even reminding myself it is the PAST helps. But still I succumb to it once in a while. I know that is one of my biggest mood downer. So I work on controlling it as soon as I catch myself.
I suppose it is easy to imagine that one can buy oneself into happiness. I have read it too where one can supposedly smile oneself into happiness.
But is it the same as contentment, which I think is more lasting? As ironical as it may sound chasing (or pretending to have) that elusive happiness brings more frustration.
Contentment on the other hand is in a way cessation of aspiration, of not desiring anything, or desiring what you already have, and working through the day, one day at a time, doing something meaningful and/or important. It seems so simple and yet seemingly hard to achieve. Because we always want that elusive happiness.
Maybe if you can stop pretending you are seeking contentment then you will have nirvana. Your post reeks non-contentment to me. Taking stab at other people who disagree with you is not contentment.
... Guilt and regret, the worst feelings that can deflate that bubble of happiness leaving you wide awake at night. How do you choose happiness then?
What do you think?
You decide the inner dialog that you host.
There are times when I focus on the guilt and I have regrets. Men have died at my hands. Men have been maimed due to my actions. Co-workers have died, it happens.
You think about it, you feel bad, you consider suicide. Everyone does.
You can make a choice to be happy instead.
Be thankful.
I only need to look around at people who are less fortunate than me. There are people who are homeless. There are people who are seriously poor. I am low income by choice. Other people are stuck in that rut.
I still have most of my health.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
