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This is gonna sound mean, hard and/or cruel. You speak of feeling guilty about having no connection with your children.
I would sure have a conversation with them before they find out from the lawyer you left what you had to another young family you felt closer to. That could be laying some guilt on them that can never be resolved.
IMO, you should have a discussion with each of your children to explain what you are planning to do. Do your children know about this family in Israel?
I'd personally have no issue if my mother wanted to leave her estate to her church. I don't believe kids are entitled to an inheritance. But I would appreciate if she explained all of this while she is alive, instead of in a note. And if she left a lot of her assets to some family, completely unknown to me, I would certainly be left with a lot of questions and nobody to answer them.
I agree with this. Leaving money to an established charity that your family knows you support? That's very understandable.
Leaving no money to your family but giving a (relatively) substantial amount to other individuals who they don't even know? Sounds like grounds for contesting a will claiming some sort of undue influence.
I know exactly what my mother's will says, because she took my sister and me with her to the lawyer to discuss it. We know what her wishes are and we will honor them because we are aware of them and why she made the choices she made.
I'm not sure what the OP's plans to disclose ahead of time are, but I can say that leaving your family in the dark about it is a good way to have your final wishes end up not being fulfilled, or at least raising that possibility.
I also think the point made up thread that people's lives can change in an instant and someone who appears to be financially set, even well off, may face troubles in their life that no one can anticipate.
I have one child, and am hopefully a long way away from any of this. But my plan is that aside from some specific bequests I might choose to make, I would leave everything to him with the request that to the extent he is able, he provides some support to the causes that he know matter to me. That doesn't mean giving away whatever estate there is, but he sees me doing things like making donations in someone's memory. He can see that is meaningful to me, and I would hope he would do something similar himself down the road.
This is gonna sound mean, hard and/or cruel. You speak of feeling guilty about having no connection with your children.
I would sure have a conversation with them before they find out from the lawyer you left what you had to another young family you felt closer to. That could be laying some guilt on them that can never be resolved.
regarding love and affection, joy and delight, I do feel very connected to my children.
regarding money I don't feel connected to my children.
I can never compete on those grounds and I am not going to enter the arena. There were some very unhealthy dynamics around money in the marriage and with their father's family, and I am seeking to distance myself from that dynamic.
It is important to me to spend where it will do the most good, and that includes what will it likely be used for. For me, religious education for a young family in Israel takes priority over an opulent lifestyle. For me money towards publishing books that promote peace , take priority over theater tickets or a vacation.
Is that liking others better than my children? No, it is not. But it is saying my spending needs to be congruent with my values.
My children are raised to be independent capable successful. They have left the nest. They are on their own. They are doing well. I have to feel that who I am matters, and my priorities matter, and where I spend my funds matter. Honestly, if the money went to my kids it would not be towards things that matter to me. My children matter, yes. What they spend their money on, is entirely up to them, but what the money would be going towards, to me, is not congruent with my values.
Last edited by Tzaphkiel; 11-06-2017 at 12:38 PM..
I won't go into detail (long story) but when my folks passed my dad went first and 2 years later my mom passed (she had been in a nursing home for 10 years)
Neither my dad nor my mom had a will. Years before my folks signed over the house to my brother and me, BUTwith the condition that they retain life rights. Because my dad went first and my mother was in the nursing home with dementia, this was problematic for a number of reasons.
My parents were always adamant that whatever was given to one kid should be given to the other -- everything was 50-50. That wasn't the problem. The problem was afterward when we were dismantling the household. My brother and I had a minor falling out in regards to what to do with "the stuff" (spurred on by my SIL)--a lot of what I took to the Salvation Army was deemed "antique" and my SIL thought that it should have been retained--this after my brother gave me the go ahead to get rid of stuff. We both lived out of town (I lived out of state) so neither one of us had the luxury of poring through each and every item. The only thing I kept was a vintage blue vase, beer glasses that I always had admired and my mom's jewelry.
No matter how nice the stuff is, unless a true antique, its value is never much...I was at an estate sale once, the last two hours of the last of two or three days, and the deceased's daughter was in tears over what they were selling things for...I bought a nice leather office chair for $50. Nice piece, but bottle green and hadn't sold in three days...
My grandmother left behind a house full of antiques, old furniture she had inherited from family...
Some of it was nice and taken by family. But you would be surprised at how much of it didn't have a lot of market value.
What they did was draw numbers for the order of choice in going through the house in rounds...first choice, second choice, third choice...when it was done they took what they had dibsed and the rest went to the auction.
The only thing they argued about was the set of cutco knives...great utilitarian value and no sentimental value meant that no one was afraid of hurting feelings...
With a handful of deaths and downsizings into ALF's lately, It seems that there are enough grandkids starting out that want to take the useful furniture so that's been good...
You haven't mentioned whether or not you intend to talk with your children about this, which to me indicates you probably do not plan to have any conversations? From my perspective, this is a bigger issue than who is in the will. Yes, having these conversations can be uncomfortable, but imagine the alternative.
If some are going to be resentful over being left out of the will, that will be the case with or without the conversation. But probably some of them will respect your choices and be thankful that you talked with them.
I am trying not to feel guilty about this, but I really want to leave my assets to someone NOT in my family: not my children, not their spouses, not the future grandkids (some on the way). I know that "intellectually" it is my money and I can leave it to whomever I want, but I really don't want to leave it to them.
In the zeal to "leave a $$$ legacy" behind way to many people wind up doing real permanent harm to the very people they love the most. Money is the last , and least, important thing in your life. The money you hold is nothing more than pieces of your life you sold to live. Once earned it is gone forever.
A proper "legacy" is to leave good honorable citizens ( their children) to carry the family name into eternity.
You haven't mentioned whether or not you intend to talk with your children about this, which to me indicates you probably do not plan to have any conversations? From my perspective, this is a bigger issue than who is in the will. Yes, having these conversations can be uncomfortable, but imagine the alternative.
If some are going to be resentful over being left out of the will, that will be the case with or without the conversation. But probably some of them will respect your choices and be thankful that you talked with them.
In all honesty I have not decided yet whether to tell them ahead of time. I will think on that some more. They don't consult me about what they spend their money on, and I don't consult them about what I spend my money on.
I guess I'm wondering why this should be any different? Is it really their business to know ahead of time what is in my will?
I would be interested in hearing people's views on this, now that a few people have brought it up.
You can leave a loving statement in your will to indicate that you feel they are successful and you are proud of them. Explain that the organizations are also close to your heart and truly need your financial support.
Nothing to feel guilty about since you have thought about your plans and there is no "need".
I would do whatever you want, but set up a trust that includes your will.
Leave sentimental stuff to family and money to your choice
people leave money to organizations that take care of dogs, for instance, as some have mentioned here.
That does not mean they love dogs more than their family.
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