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I'm the mother of four adult kids. All were raised by me. Each one of them is very different - because - NEWS FLASH - they are different people. They have different personalities and characters. They respond and learn as individuals, not in a group.
I did not "play favorites" and was not abusive or neglectful. I loved each personality and each heart of each child and was an affectionate mother too. I was not perfect, but those were my strong suits. Also, just to clarify, all my kids were always healthy physically and to my knowledge had no physical or mental health issues. I do have a son that struggled with dyslexia his entire life and that was a challenge, but he's basically a happy, curious, intelligent person and so those traits got us through a lot together.
Long story short, each one of my kids is very different as an adult - with very different levels of success, failure, joy, sorrow, affection, etc. Three of the four are happily married and I'm very grateful for that (the youngest is still single) and I believe that is a testimony in part to their upbringing because apparently they made good choices when it comes to mates, and they are good at establishing and respecting healthy boundaries within relationships. That's a huge accomplishment that I am going to take partial credit for!
All of them have either a college degree or professional certifications or both. I am proud of them for that.
But that's where the similarities end basically. (Oh, except that they're all taller than average - LOL.)
I have one daughter who makes a point of staying in close contact with me, even though her husband is an Air Force officer and they live and travel all over the world. She and I are very close emotionally and my husband and I are so grateful to be included in her family's lives. Her children are close to us too. And her husband communicates with us regularly too, which is a nice touch.
I have a son who moved to a foreign country very far away because he married a woman from that region of the world. Though we are not all that close to her, it's mainly due to the fact that they live so far away and there is also a bit of a language barrier. But they are very happily married and so we're thrilled for both of them (they've been together nearly ten years and I hope they are together another fifty). Even with the distance involved, my son and I are close. He and I talk on the phone at least once a week and the conversations are funny, in depth, and very interactive.
My youngest son is single and lives several hours away but in the same state. We see him several times a year, but other than that, he's not so great a communicator. He's also living a lifestyle that differs significantly from our own values - but he's self sufficient and he's an adult so as long as he's respectful of us and our choices, we're fine with that. My biggest issue with him is not that he's living a life that is so different from ours when it comes to values and moral issues - it's that he isn't truthful with me sometimes. Mostly in terms of my youngest daughter, which I'll get to in a bit. She has set up a sort of dynamic within our family where she basically insists that people "choose" when it comes to who they love - her and her family - or my husband and me. He adores my younger daughter, which is fine with me - she is his sister, after all, and she has kids and he's a terrific uncle. But he has another sister too - and she has kids who adore him. He has totally written off his older sister - and her kids - and I think it is because for some reason he feels he has to choose. He has also become standoffish with me over the past couple of years. I don't like this. I don't like family drama or mind games.
Which leads me to my youngest daughter. She has always been gnarly and very moody. More of an introvert than the other kids. On the surface she seems very sweet natured, but she has always had a vindictive, angry streak to her - since she was a young child. I've known this but that's her personality - I didn't want to and couldn't change that anyway. I felt like my job was to teach my kids values and morals, not change their personalities. Any personality can co exist within a moral fiber or value system - we all have to make adjustments to our behavior or impulses.
But over the years, she has become more and more angry and hostile, but that hostility wasn't directed at me during her adulthood (teens were a different matter) - till recently. About two years ago, her political and moral values began changing. That's fine - but what's not fine is disrespecting MY beliefs in my own home. We can discuss things. We can agree to disagree. We can learn from each other. But neither of us has the right to be disrespectful or disdainful toward the other. She didn't get that memo.
The funny thing is, I'm not even a very political person. So I for SURE am not going to argue and debate politics with a family member - I can't think of a single politician worth that angst.
But not only did her political and moral compass apparently shift significantly, she became very disdainful of my beliefs, my values, etc. I mean, openly hostile toward me. This bled into every crevice and facet of our relationship. It got so bad that she would even make fun of my ringtone for my brother on my phone. I don't mean gentle humor. I mean, he'd call, the ringtone would go off (for the record, it's a Celtic something or other because he likes Celtic stuff), and she'd roll her eyes and say "What a stupid ringtone - what kind of person even puts a ringtone like that on their phone?" Hey. It's the theme from Braveheart. It's nothing particularly weird and certainly shouldn't be offensive. And why are you sitting in my living room sneering at me in front of about twenty other people right before Thanksgiving dinner at my house over a ringtone for pete's sake?
I drew the line when she began literally making things totally up about me and lying about me to other family members. But then to top it all off - she wrote off my mother, her grandmother, too. Now listen - my mother has dementia. My mother has never once did a single harmful thing to her grandkids. My mother loves all my kids and grandkids, and yearns to see them (her dementia is not so bad that she doesn't remember who they are yet, but that day is coming). My youngest daughter lives an hour away, and PROMISED to visit my mom regularly when we had to put my mother into a memory care facility. She has not come to see her in a year. But not only that - she hasn't called her, and doesn't return my mother's calls.
This daughter of mine has four children - four precious grandchildren of mine, who I adore and who I long to see. But she has totally removed herself from our lives. And if that's not enough, she TRIES to set up scenarios with her siblings in which they feel they have to choose. For instance, if they come see me or talk with me and she finds out about it, she freezes them out for months - or forever. She has totally written off my oldest daughter, mainly because she and I have a close relationship.
The fact that she has removed not just herself, but also her kids, from our lives is one of the greatest heartbreaks of my entire life. Up till a year or so ago, my husband and my parents and I were very involved in her children's lives (and hers). We visited them often, they visited us, we spent holidays together, the kids would come to our house and spend the weekend, etc. etc. When she cut the adults off, she also took her kids out of our lives.
She even tried to turn my brothers and her siblings against me. This worked for just a bit with one brother, who thankfully realized he was being played and extricated himself out of that mess. It didn't work at all with my other brother - it only made him sad for me. But her anger and hostility toward me makes it difficult from them to have a relationship with her. Not with me - I have a good relationship with both my brothers, because I don't demand anyone take sides - it's not a "her or me" thing with me, but they both really, really disapprove of her behavior toward me. It's sad and awkward.
Her siblings - well, she just won't tolerate anyone having a relationship with her, AND with me. So she totally cut her oldest sister off - along with the relationships between the kids (first cousins) - who all loved each other. Since my oldest son does talk with me regularly, she often dismisses or ignores his calls, though she will occasionally talk with him. Same with my youngest son - but he's the one she apparently was most able to sway. So now he and I are no longer close. That being said, he hasn't cut me off like she has, so there's a difference.
I have shared all this to point out that adult kids can and often do devastate their parents with their actions. My heart has been broken into a thousand pieces by my youngest daughter. I miss her, but I also miss her children terribly. And I'm sure they miss me too. And I also feel that she has filled their heads with lies and doubts about me in order to justify cutting my husband and me out of their lives, which is also painful. I'm telling you, we did not deserve this, and neither did her kids.
I'm the mother of four adult kids. All were raised by me. Each one of them is very different - because - NEWS FLASH - they are different people. They have different personalities and characters. They respond and learn as individuals, not in a group.
I did not "play favorites" and was not abusive or neglectful. I loved each personality and each heart of each child and was an affectionate mother too. I was not perfect, but those were my strong suits. Also, just to clarify, all my kids were always healthy physically and to my knowledge had no physical or mental health issues. I do have a son that struggled with dyslexia his entire life and that was a challenge, but he's basically a happy, curious, intelligent person and so those traits got us through a lot together.
Long story short, each one of my kids is very different as an adult - with very different levels of success, failure, joy, sorrow, affection, etc. Three of the four are happily married and I'm very grateful for that (the youngest is still single) and I believe that is a testimony in part to their upbringing because apparently they made good choices when it comes to mates, and they are good at establishing and respecting healthy boundaries within relationships. That's a huge accomplishment that I am going to take partial credit for!
All of them have either a college degree or professional certifications or both. I am proud of them for that.
But that's where the similarities end basically. (Oh, except that they're all taller than average - LOL.)
I have one daughter who makes a point of staying in close contact with me, even though her husband is an Air Force officer and they live and travel all over the world. She and I are very close emotionally and my husband and I are so grateful to be included in her family's lives. Her children are close to us too. And her husband communicates with us regularly too, which is a nice touch.
I have a son who moved to a foreign country very far away because he married a woman from that region of the world. Though we are not all that close to her, it's mainly due to the fact that they live so far away and there is also a bit of a language barrier. But they are very happily married and so we're thrilled for both of them (they've been together nearly ten years and I hope they are together another fifty). Even with the distance involved, my son and I are close. He and I talk on the phone at least once a week and the conversations are funny, in depth, and very interactive.
My youngest son is single and lives several hours away but in the same state. We see him several times a year, but other than that, he's not so great a communicator. He's also living a lifestyle that differs significantly from our own values - but he's self sufficient and he's an adult so as long as he's respectful of us and our choices, we're fine with that. My biggest issue with him is not that he's living a life that is so different from ours when it comes to values and moral issues - it's that he isn't truthful with me sometimes. Mostly in terms of my youngest daughter, which I'll get to in a bit. She has set up a sort of dynamic within our family where she basically insists that people "choose" when it comes to who they love - her and her family - or my husband and me. He adores my younger daughter, which is fine with me - she is his sister, after all, and she has kids and he's a terrific uncle. But he has another sister too - and she has kids who adore him. He has totally written off his older sister - and her kids - and I think it is because for some reason he feels he has to choose. He has also become standoffish with me over the past couple of years. I don't like this. I don't like family drama or mind games.
Which leads me to my youngest daughter. She has always been gnarly and very moody. More of an introvert than the other kids. On the surface she seems very sweet natured, but she has always had a vindictive, angry streak to her - since she was a young child. I've known this but that's her personality - I didn't want to and couldn't change that anyway. I felt like my job was to teach my kids values and morals, not change their personalities. Any personality can co exist within a moral fiber or value system - we all have to make adjustments to our behavior or impulses.
But over the years, she has become more and more angry and hostile, but that hostility wasn't directed at me during her adulthood (teens were a different matter) - till recently. About two years ago, her political and moral values began changing. That's fine - but what's not fine is disrespecting MY beliefs in my own home. We can discuss things. We can agree to disagree. We can learn from each other. But neither of us has the right to be disrespectful or disdainful toward the other. She didn't get that memo.
The funny thing is, I'm not even a very political person. So I for SURE am not going to argue and debate politics with a family member - I can't think of a single politician worth that angst.
But not only did her political and moral compass apparently shift significantly, she became very disdainful of my beliefs, my values, etc. I mean, openly hostile toward me. This bled into every crevice and facet of our relationship. It got so bad that she would even make fun of my ringtone for my brother on my phone. I don't mean gentle humor. I mean, he'd call, the ringtone would go off (for the record, it's a Celtic something or other because he likes Celtic stuff), and she'd roll her eyes and say "What a stupid ringtone - what kind of person even puts a ringtone like that on their phone?" Hey. It's the theme from Braveheart. It's nothing particularly weird and certainly shouldn't be offensive. And why are you sitting in my living room sneering at me in front of about twenty other people right before Thanksgiving dinner at my house over a ringtone for pete's sake?
I drew the line when she began literally making things totally up about me and lying about me to other family members. But then to top it all off - she wrote off my mother, her grandmother, too. Now listen - my mother has dementia. My mother has never once did a single harmful thing to her grandkids. My mother loves all my kids and grandkids, and yearns to see them (her dementia is not so bad that she doesn't remember who they are yet, but that day is coming). My youngest daughter lives an hour away, and PROMISED to visit my mom regularly when we had to put my mother into a memory care facility. She has not come to see her in a year. But not only that - she hasn't called her, and doesn't return my mother's calls.
This daughter of mine has four children - four precious grandchildren of mine, who I adore and who I long to see. But she has totally removed herself from our lives. And if that's not enough, she TRIES to set up scenarios with her siblings in which they feel they have to choose. For instance, if they come see me or talk with me and she finds out about it, she freezes them out for months - or forever. She has totally written off my oldest daughter, mainly because she and I have a close relationship.
The fact that she has removed not just herself, but also her kids, from our lives is one of the greatest heartbreaks of my entire life. Up till a year or so ago, my husband and my parents and I were very involved in her children's lives (and hers). We visited them often, they visited us, we spent holidays together, the kids would come to our house and spend the weekend, etc. etc. When she cut the adults off, she also took her kids out of our lives.
She even tried to turn my brothers and her siblings against me. This worked for just a bit with one brother, who thankfully realized he was being played and extricated himself out of that mess. It didn't work at all with my other brother - it only made him sad for me. But her anger and hostility toward me makes it difficult from them to have a relationship with her. Not with me - I have a good relationship with both my brothers, because I don't demand anyone take sides - it's not a "her or me" thing with me, but they both really, really disapprove of her behavior toward me. It's sad and awkward.
Her siblings - well, she just won't tolerate anyone having a relationship with her, AND with me. So she totally cut her oldest sister off - along with the relationships between the kids (first cousins) - who all loved each other. Since my oldest son does talk with me regularly, she often dismisses or ignores his calls, though she will occasionally talk with him. Same with my youngest son - but he's the one she apparently was most able to sway. So now he and I are no longer close. That being said, he hasn't cut me off like she has, so there's a difference.
I have shared all this to point out that adult kids can and often do devastate their parents with their actions. My heart has been broken into a thousand pieces by my youngest daughter. I miss her, but I also miss her children terribly. And I'm sure they miss me too. And I also feel that she has filled their heads with lies and doubts about me in order to justify cutting my husband and me out of their lives, which is also painful. I'm telling you, we did not deserve this, and neither did her kids.
Actions have consequences.
Hi KathrynAragon,
Sorry to hear the sad story about your youngest daughter.
I read many of your posts about how you were taking care of your parents. I really admire you.
About parents and children, brothers and sisters… and relatives… I don’t know if there’s a single family in this world that does not have problems. I don’t think there’s any family that parents and children, siblings and relatives never have a conflict, everybody loves each other, listens to each other and willing to help each other always. No matter how hard you work and think you want to do your best to treat others nicely and hope they will treat you back the same, that will never happen because people don’t do and think the same way as you (I mean everyone).
I have two adult sons too. I love them dearly and I did/do not favor one over the other from when they were babies till now. But they turn out very differently, of course, the same as children in any other family, I believe.
Over four months ago I was so sad and upset about my older son, and I wrote a post on here. I received comforting and criticizing comments. I took deep breaths, learned something and felt better because I could release it off my chest and continue with my life.
I learn that no matter who you are, what you do, what you have to suffer, you are not alone. I have to tell myself that I just do my best and someday if my children treat me back good, I’m lucky. Otherwise, they will know how it’s like when they have their own children.
Back to the OP, you can be proud of yourself that you have raised and provided your children so much and be happy for them that they all are doing well with their life. You have no more obligations with them totally. Please do not feel angry, upset or disappointed when they don’t give back. When you are angry or upset, it affects to your health. I learn that when you don't expect too much, you don't disappoint too much. I know it’s easier said than done.
I’ve experienced ungratefulness from my children sometimes (more from the older one), I know how it feels like. I work with people in a long-term care center for many years, I’ve learned from them and their families also.
I've learned that when you have children, you have joy and sorrows. When you don’t have children, you may not have much joy as the ones who do, but you don’t have that kind of sorrows either, but you have friends, and you still live. No matter what happens, life goes on. And at the end everybody will not be on this earth anymore anyway. Who cares. To think carefully, I don’t because when I die, I die. Whoever alive talk good or bad about me, it will affect their life, not mine, because I’m not there anymore.
Once, my older son told me he read on the internet that somebody wrote that he hated his parents so much, so he engraved a very mean sentence on their tombstones. I told my son that what that guy did would just affect negatively to his life, not his parents’ because they are dead and he’s still alive, and more people would think bad about him more than about his parents. I don’t believe in “life after death”. But if there were, that meant that guy was so bad to his parents, and he is haunted by them for all his life if he does not change himself.
If you love and do all for your children as you can, and they are not grateful and treat you mean, try to think as you never had them. Enjoy your life with your wife and help whoever treat you with respect and kindness.
Last edited by AnOrdinaryCitizen; 12-27-2017 at 03:30 PM..
I see nothing wrong with your assessment of the situation. I agree that inheritance is earned, and your children have not earned a penny. I have three adult children who cut off all communication with me ten years ago..
Why do you think they cut off all contact with you? There must be reasons. I could see if it was one of the three children, but when all three have nothing to do with you anymore, you need to start taking a long, hard look at yourself. I'm sorry, I'm just being honest here.
At the end of the day it doesn't really matter, does it? I mean, when it comes to the principles of an inheritance. If parents and kids aren't close during a lifetime, surely the kids don't expect to be left much after their parents' demise, right? And even if parents ARE close to their kids, it's their money - not their kids' money. I mean, the kids aren't just hanging around BECAUSE of a possible inheritance, are they? If so - well, they aren't actually close to the parents.
Inheritances are not earned, and they're not a given either. At least not in my book. If parents want to leave kids - any kids - anything, then that's their call. But I don't think anyone should feel like they have to leave anyone anything, and I don't think anyone should consider an inheritance something they are just automatically entitled to either. And an inheritance or the threat of losing one should never be held over anyone's head to make them act a certain, expected way. If children show their parents respect and caring, it should be because they want to, not just because they are expecting an inheritance. And if parents plan on leaving their kids something, it should be because they want to, not because they think they have to.
And an inheritance or the threat of losing one should never be held over anyone's head to make them act a certain, expected way.
WHILE I basically agree with you, you might have a different view if it happens to you, and your are the recipient of being shunned---by all your children rather than just one. Though at the moment, only one is doing it, the other one has distanced herself from us, though not cut us off(however she could since she did it in the past right after we paid a $2000 bill she had that was heading to jail time for her). Oddly, they were both devastated when their grand parents and cousins and aunts and uncles did this to them, and still talk about how it affected their lives, they seem to have supreme blinders on, when it comes to them doing exact the same thing to their parents, and now the parents got it from both their parents and their children.
After awhile, you think about essentially paying them to have contact with you. Its simply a transaction: you want the inheritance, then take the time to interact with your elderly mother or father. After all, in my case, I used my early hand to mouth money to pay for your early life, your college education, your first and even second car, and even a down payment on your house.
Loneliness for contact with your children will make you think differently.
As to whose fault it is, I have described over and over again here, that dysfunctional alcoholic family members(where there is alcohol or not) are often subjected to shunning for breaking the family rules. I know that people who never experienced that kind of dysfunctional family simply cannot understand, and believe it has to be the parents fault. My wife is in that category, and so she apologizes for things that she didn’t do or that she did do but which in a normal family are perfectly appropriate. And when you do that, then you make yourself responsible, which means you make yourself the scapegoat. There is nothing good when the family starts labeling you the scapegoat, nothing good in any way.
People usually believe that the kids are blameless and that the parents did something to them, but they don’t understand that in dysfunctional families, all love and affection is continually conditional. It doesn’t matter if last year you provided them enough money to buy a house. If this year you didn’t come to their house for Christmas(regardless if this was a considerable hardship to you), this is ground for shunning, because it proves you don’t care about them. This is totally irrational, but its true.
WHILE I basically agree with you, you might have a different view if it happens to you, and your are the recipient of being shunned---by all your children rather than just one. Though at the moment, only one is doing it, the other one has distanced herself from us, though not cut us off(however she could since she did it in the past right after we paid a $2000 bill she had that was heading to jail time for her). Oddly, they were both devastated when their grand parents and cousins and aunts and uncles did this to them, and still talk about how it affected their lives, they seem to have supreme blinders on, when it comes to them doing exact the same thing to their parents, and now the parents got it from both their parents and their children.
After awhile, you think about essentially paying them to have contact with you. Its simply a transaction: you want the inheritance, then take the time to interact with your elderly mother or father. After all, in my case, I used my early hand to mouth money to pay for your early life, your college education, your first and even second car, and even a down payment on your house.
Loneliness for contact with your children will make you think differently.
As to whose fault it is, I have described over and over again here, that dysfunctional alcoholic family members(where there is alcohol or not) are often subjected to shunning for breaking the family rules. I know that people who never experienced that kind of dysfunctional family simply cannot understand, and believe it has to be the parents fault. My wife is in that category, and so she apologizes for things that she didn’t do or that she did do but which in a normal family are perfectly appropriate. And when you do that, then you make yourself responsible, which means you make yourself the scapegoat. There is nothing good when the family starts labeling you the scapegoat, nothing good in any way.
They believe that the kids are blameless and that the parents did something to them, but they don’t understand that in dysfunctional families, all love and affection is continually conditional. It doesn’t matter if last year you provided them enough money to buy a house. If this year you didn’t come to their house for Christmas(regardless if this was a considerable hardship to you), this is ground for shunning, because it proves you don’t care about them. This is totally irrational, but its true.
I'm not arguing with you about feelings or whose fault it is or any of that. I'm just saying that an inheritance shouldn't be used to control anyone's behavior. If a child of mine is hanging around pretending to be nice to me just because I will cut them off if they're not, I don't want their attention, which is why I've never threatened anyone with cutting them out of the will or whatever. That's not saying I will or won't - that's not saying I wouldn't reward a child of mine who went the extra mile for me with something extra - I'm just saying I don't believe in threatening people with cutting them off in order to get them to behave a certain way. If they're only being nice to my face just to get money, no thanks. Likewise, I don't want any adult kids thinking I owe them something, because I don't think I do, other than basic common respect. Anything else is a gift - from anyone to anyone.
I grieve every single day for the loss of my daughter and my four grandkids. Please don't assume that grief is any less just because I have other kids. It cuts me to the core. I "get" the pain of it, regardless of whose fault it may or may not be. My intention is not to minimalize your situation, or argue about your situation, or try to assign guilt in your situation. I'm simply stating that I don't believe inheritances are a given - I believe they are a gift. I don't believe anyone is "owed" an inheritance. I also believe that people's actions can be so egregious that a parent is totally justified in not leaving that person anything inheritance wise. And I believe that the reward for a life of love and respect and appreciation is in the memories made, not in an inheritance.
My children have done far better financially than I ever will.
Between their successful careers and their marriages to well-off spouses, whatever I could leave them would be a mere "drop in the bucket" ... and would not be appreciated, even as a token gift. I've been down that road already, with gifts at holiday times to them which weren't even acknowledged ... including gifts to my grandchildren.
My oldest was so blatant about his concern that he "wouldn't get his fair share of the family fortune (a low six-figure amount)" from me in due course that he aggressively patronized his grandmother to "give it to him directly from her estate". To do so required that he throw me under the bus, so he did so ... alienating my Mom from me in her last years. In due course, he received from her the bulk of her estate, which was her house. At that point in time, he didn't need the money, he'd already far exceeded that income and asset level. But he did keep me and his brother from receiving that money.
My children are named in my will as people to receive nothing from my estate which will go to charity organizations which can put the resources to beneficial use for folk who are truly needy.
I'm not arguing with you about feelings or whose fault it is or any of that. I'm just saying that an inheritance shouldn't be used to control anyone's behavior.
And I’m saying that a black or white view like that doesn’t deal with what are essentially gray issues. When you are desperate to get rid of the loneliness, sometimes the inheritance is the ONLY THING YOU HAVE.
And even then, using that card probably only works 5% of the time, and tends to make things even worse.
I think that children should inherit. You brought them into the world, you raised them. Whatever they are, they are what you raised them to be. But good or bad, they are your children. Your family. That means something.
It's so easy late in life for perceived bad later memories to take the place of the earlier, perhaps better, memories. I don't think that's fair or a true picture of the kids. But I think that happens a lot. Older people focus on the here and now, perceived slights and such. This also makes them susceptible to people who get close to older people in the hopes of swaying their wills. It happens a lot, from what I've read.
As for the birthday cards and such...I no longer send my father cards. That's because I used to, but never got one in return. He and his wife don't send cards, I guess. (I stopped sending Christmas cards to all the family for this reason. I never got one from them.) Is a card such a big deal? Apparently not to some people. Tell them you miss the cards. They probably think they didn't matter to you.
Lots of children don't listen to their parents from young even from preteen. They learn from their peers in school, college, university. Not all, but a large number of them are very materialistic nowadays.
I work hard and am frugal. But my children were/are not. They can spend more than $400.00 for a pair of jeans, $1500.00 for a jacket when they work and can earn some money. I told them to "save for rainy days", but they don't listen. My friend works two jobs when her daughter bough a purse for $2000.00, a lipstick holder for $200.00, a lipstick for $70 - $80.00. My older son told my younger one "to take advantage of parents as much as you can" when he was 14 yrs old. Where did he learn that from? He broke my heart.
Sometimes I think when parents work too hard and care too much and try to provide whatever the children want because they want the children to have a better life than they had, the the children have an easy life, then why would the children not to enjoy and and why would they want to work hard and save, right?
For poster #15, you can be proud of yourself. However, your perspective about boomer generation in your last sentence is very generalizing. Every parent is different. Every child is different too.
My older son (26 now) always talked to me that the boomer generation had an easy life, in the 1970, 1980 the majority could own a house by the time they were 22 years old. I was not 20 at that time. I did not have an easy life. I was born in a poor family. But I never blamed my mom.
I told him that at that time there were 20 something kids might have good jobs, cars, houses, but there were others did not have those. I told him that the ones who blame on parents a lot are the ones who will not be successful. And nowadays, there are many young adults don't have a job, but there are with good job and very successful in life too at 23, 24 years old.
Now I don't provide him everything anymore, just let him to have food and can stay at home until he finishes his university (hopeful in less than two more years). I paid for his two years of college because he did not want to go to university; he wanted an easy way out. But he learned that it was not easy afterward. Now he has to borrow student loan himself. And when he gets a job, he will have to pay back the student loan. I'm very sick and tired of his ungratefulness and blaming. I'm not afraid of someday when I'm old he's not visiting me or cut off himself and his children with me. If he's good to me, I'm happy. If not, I would think I never had him. And if he treats me bad, his children will learn from him (if he ever has). I learn from people who don't have children, they live anyway. I never stop loving him, but I learn from my past mistakes.
If you give your children everything to make their life easy, why would they want to work hard. Not all of them would be grateful to you, but they get used to it, and they feel they are entitled for everything you have (your worked hard to earn it), and when they don't get it, they turn their face, to be angry with you and hate you. I don't tolerate that. If they hate me for what they don't get, that's their problem.
Last edited by AnOrdinaryCitizen; 12-27-2017 at 07:58 PM..
And I’m saying that a black or white view like that doesn’t deal with what are essentially gray issues. When you are desperate to get rid of the loneliness, sometimes the inheritance is the ONLY THING YOU HAVE.
And even then, using that card probably only works 5% of the time, and tends to make things even worse.
And I'm saying I don't see many gray issues when it comes to inheritances. There's no way I'm going to feel compelled to pay people to pretend to like me. Like you said, the odds of success are very low anyway. Success at what - being used? No thanks.
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