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I've been thinking more about this since Minervah asked the hard question. Underlying the ambivalence about wanting something I can't do but want someone else to do so I can have it is the issue of aging and change.
My experience of aging besides the advantages is the issue of loss. Friends leave, traditions change. Each loss brings the challenge of graceful acceptance or its evil twin, sadness and resentment. Honest to goodness I really want to be on the healthy side of the scale.
Insight - I'm the baby of the baby on my side of the family and neither of my children have chosen to have children so my genetic legacy stops here. There is something to grieve about this however insignificant it is in the larger measure of things. I think I have that all-too-human hope of remembrance and gratitude through the traditions of those who came before me. And - here's the hook - I want my children to have it, too.
Maybe my friend was right. Do it until you can't and then accept that the baton will be a new tradition. What this really is bottom line is another loss that calls for adjustment. It's a new way to look at it but I knew there was a reason I didn't care to talk about it. Perhaps saying it "out loud" is the start.
Times change especially if people are spread out. My Sister In Law was the "cook" for Holiday Dinners. My wife was the "I will take you all out to dinner" for Holiday Dinners.
My SIL's husband is ill and she is aging. My wife died. My SIL's daughter (my niece) started taking over Holiday Dinners but she is due to have a child in 2 weeks, so the family did nothing for Easter.
As I said, the times change. Will see what happens come Thanksgiving. I expect my Niece will step up. Part of me misses the old ways but as I age, I accept the changes.
I still cook for holidays but I have changed the routine. We never had a huge family for dinners anyway, just grandparents and kids which is fine with me.
I got tired of 2 big turkey dinners for TG and Christmas so I started to do a beef stew in the crockpot on Christmas. We all enjoyed that ~ so easy with biscuits and a couple of pies.
DH won’t eat ham (salty) so Easter is whatever we feel like, including a barbecue if the weather is good.
I grew up with very formal holiday dinners ~ china, crystal, sterling, linen tablecloth ~ with all the work involved. My mother was always exhausted even with us helping. Now we all prefer eating on the porch if possible and only do the “fancy” TG dinner. I can probably keep this up for awhile as it’s not as stressful.
Guess I could say no, Minervah. I do it well enough with others in my life. But I really look forward to our traditional holiday meals. No restaurant is going to take the place.
You've gotta give me credit for abandoning them to their own devices one year over Thanksgiving and Christmas to get the point across. They ate pizza.
And silibran, when I do pass the torch that will be the end of it, I think, given what my little experiment demonstrated.
So yeah, I only have myself to blame because it's something I want and just don't want to do it anymore. And it's also my point for hopelessly spoiling them.
Another fine mess I've gotten myself into, Olly.
Lodestar, I think I am in a similar boat, although I do not believe I have spoiled my kids this way. But, during the years when we spent holidays far apart, they did develop their own traditions, that involved the local inlaws. Now that we are here, they accommodate us. And I accommodate them, and DH, who still enjoys the big meal.
I usually see one of my kids who lives far away now, during the holiday season, and that visit becomes the "big meal." Luckily this kid is a great help with meal prep. But this year will be different, I sense. I love having all the family over together. But, I don't really enjoy our time together because I am exhausted.
I'll do one more Thanksgiving, by hook or by crook, this year. After that, I don't know. I'll produce something on alternate Christmases, but it will not be elaborate. The thing is DH loves the big meal, and he does do cleanup. This year I am going to request several food items be brought in, especially if I am otherwise the lone cook. I will be offering to teach one of the kids how to make stuffing. Beyond that, I suspect the rest lies in the hands of the offspring. So, who knows.
My wife loves to cook new and different dishes, but she's in her seventies and slowing down on the want or need to do daily cooking, we eat out a lot. I like to cook also but I'm more of a steak, burger, bkfast, and big pasta meals kind of guy. Not exactly a good diet, so.. She has two adult children in our area who still think of mom as the center of all things holiday.
She says she loves to have the family over for Christmas, Easter, and Tday, but that family has grown quite a bit through the years. I've had to say the obvious to her kids, "mom's getting up there" and can't be expected to remain at the center of things any longer. I think she was actually relieved to have them understand the fact of aging slowing us down. This summer and the following winter will be a a far different holiday scenario for the fact of the kids and Gkids having to step up. They don't seem to mind so all's well.
. This year I am going to request several food items be brought in, especially if I am otherwise the lone cook. I will be offering to teach one of the kids how to make stuffing. Beyond that, I suspect the rest lies in the hands of the offspring. So, who knows.
We've been doing this for years. My BIL fries the turkeys, somebody makes the sweet potato casserole, someone else brings the pies, etc. so one person isn't stuck with the expense and cooking of everything.
I'm surprised at how much help this thread has given me in really looking deeper into the ambivalence.
Yes, shamrock4 - all that unused crystal and china. There it all sits. There's something symbolic about that that is gnawing.
My house is still a screamin' wreck but I am determined to be rested to enjoy the time with family this coming Sunday when we belatedly celebrate.
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