Relocating My 20 Year Old Child Please Advise

[Katzpur]

Originally Posted by lucy1965

WOW. Way to acknowledge someone's nervousness about their kid moving out of state!

I agree. I can understand the nervousness the OP is experiencing, and I can understand why a lot of the posters think she is an over-protective mom. Still, the analogy was unnecessarily crude and blunt.

[irman]

To the OP, if you are still watching your message and hoping for decent answers,
all I can say is that I think you are doing the right thing.

I grew up that way, and I am not a Momma boy at all.
I grew up having family sit down dinners every day until I left home !
I grew up having long discussions with the family in any case something *big* came up !

My parents did not *meddle* in my life from a very young age,
but we always discussed things, as a Family.

I was 21 when NASA *asked* me to come to the USA and work for them.
I sat down again with the whole family (whoever could be there) and discussed it.

All our kids are married and have their own brood now,
but we still get together often and discuss things,
and we as parents continue to be concerned about our kids
and hope that they will make the right decisions.

Like *my* parents, who never *meddled* in our personal life,
we do the same, but we know what our kids are up to,
and just remind them of the things we have taught them.

Our kids are not Momma kids, and they all have advance degrees in their self-chosen fields.
*They themselves* chose to do so. We as parents only listened and helped when the need(s) arose.

Dear OP, continue to do what you have been doing,
because that is what LDS life is actually all about.
It IS all about family and nobody can take that away from you !!
You may not be LDS, but your life style will surely fit in this area !

[elcee499]

irman - I like your perspective!

I'm not a Mormon, just a mom of 3 grown kids, and I also want to reassure OP that I don’t think she’s being overprotective or overbearing. Young adults are all different and at age 20, many still have some growing up to do. It’s not productive or kind to make generalizations and crude comments about a mother who's just worried about getting her son settled far from home.

It’s also not very sensible to suggest that the kid should live in Sugarhouse or downtown.

Even with a dependable car, Draper is still 30 minutes from Sugarhouse and downtown. A daily commute by TRAX would be pretty time-consuming. My youngest is a 22 year old living in Sugarhouse. Previously, he lived downtown, just 4 blocks from a main TRAX station. He does not commute to Draper, but often takes TRAX to Sandy, which is a couple of stops up the line from Draper. It usually takes an hour. What kid wants to spend an hour each way getting to work? Mine wouldn't.

If your son is coming all the out here for a job, I’d suggest that he make the job his priority and get a place within 10 minutes max. That means Draper, Sandy, or South Jordan, any of which have plenty of apartments in the targeted price range. Getting roommates online is a crapshoot, so I’d advise him to get the shortest lease he can find for the first few months, just to get the lay of the land before committing to something longer term. There's not much worse than being trapped in a lease and having to put up with incompatible roomies!

[crs175]

Is the job in Draper? I live in Draper and while it's a very safe, nice community, I would not recommend Draper or any of the southern Salt Lake Valley to someone that age. Draper is a bedroom community and it almost completely families with adults that commute to jobs in Sandy, SLC or Utah County. It'd be a really boring place to live if you were 20. It's boring at 35 and I have several children

I'm not from Utah orginally and I'm not LDS, so these opinions come from someone who moved here from far away.

Look at Sugarhouse and the area around the University of Utah. If I were 20, that's where I would want to live and then commute down to the Draper area for the job. He would have the option of commuting via car or by mass transit but it would be opposite most of the commute traffic.

As someone who moved far from home and had no furniture, I would not recommend looking for furnished units. IKEA and classified ads are going to be your best bet. You'll have a much better selection of apartments that way. You can furnish an entire apartment for very little between the two. KSL classifieds are the local Craigslist. IKEA has furniture lines that are quite inexpensive.

I won't comment on the idea of a 20 year old being a child aside from my experience. I moved across the country at your son's age. It is a VERY important part of the process to allow your child to do their own research, find their own apartment and use you for any advice along the way. If you do everything for him (and I'm not saying you are), it will be MUCH more difficult the next time and he won't learn anything from the first experience. Saying this from advice. My parents were trying to be helpful and found me an apartment in my new city. I got there and it was scary. Very scary. I got a nice introduction into the workings of prostitution and learning about how one would smoke crack. Some things are good to learn with safety net.

[Montygirl]

I agree it is good to discuss as a family but it should not deter you from branching out in life or making some decisions for yourself. I ended up moving away from home at the age of 18 to go to University. I was 500 miles away ,so over a 6 hour drive or train journey from home. I had to pay either to run my car or for my train ticket home and I had had a Saturday job since the age of 14 . Yes my parents came to look at accommodation with me (they have not been together since I was 7) but apart from that I sorted everything out on my own.

They were there to advise if I needed it, but again standing on your own two feet is part of growing up and as the person says above if they do everything for you and you never make mistakes or find your own way then you are in for a shock in real life. I even managed to sort out a part time job to help with money for university (food etc) as I managed to get a transfer from where I lived in London to the place I chose to move to. I sorted this out before I left for university. So whilst others moaned about their lack of money at University as the bank of mum and dad wouldn't pay for their nights out or other day to day things I had some money for what I needed. We lived in an area of tourism and there was every opportunity to gain some kind of employment that fitted in around study. I survived university, studied hard and did well and sorted my own job back where I lived in London on my return.

By the same token I always helped around the house when I did live at home before I went away, meaning that I could cope with day to day life when I moved away including cooking, laudry and grocery shopping as there was no way my parents could come down there every 5 minutes and I wouldn't want them too. I was also lucky enough that some I went to uni with were locals and after working a shift on a weekend, some of their families would invite me round for sunday dinner after. I am still in touch with these families now(19 years later) and visited them not long after I left university where they put up not only me for a few nights but my Nan too as we were down for a family holiday.

In return their children used to come up to London and family would put them up too when they fancied a trip to the big smoke.

Those skills my mum & her family especially gave me put me in good stead in life and I moved into my own apartment out of choice when I finished Uni and coped fine. It also gave me the life skills to live in other countries, which not only do I do now, but have done in the past and I will encourage the same with my kids if they chose to branch out.

I am not LDS and a mum of two but my kids know we are always there for them and yes it is a scary world out there (especially these days) but it does them good to find there own way. Hopefully the good start you get in life from you parents (which I did and now we have done for our kids) helps them even if they make the odd mistake now and again they find there way back with what you have taught them and learn by it . Your kids are always your kids I agree but they do need to learn what works for them in life and sometimes it slightly differs to what you may want but all you can do is be there for them.I do however agree that everyone's child/young adult is different and maturity varies.

A short term rental/houseshare may work so they can find what works best and still not be far from their job, it also allows them and you to feel reassured and get to know some of the areas here and what suits their age and lifestyle. Good luck to them, they will enjoy all that this place has to offer wherever they live.

I now again live 1000's of miles away from my parents and family with my own children and husband but we both had a good grounding in life from a young age and have coped well in life be it near or far from family ,as have my kids who have settled into life here well after moving away from everything they have ever known since they were born(friends and family) and they are heading into the crucial years of childhood eg their teens in the not too distant future.But they were excited about seeing life from a different perspective and culture and have embraced it to which we are very proud as parents.

[justducky2]

To the Mom who originally posted: my kid will be 21 in three weeks. I understand.

20 year olds do not have the life experience in renting a place, finding furniture, not getting taken advantage of. They have been out of high school just a year or two. It's a huge and often scary transition for them to not just move out, but move out of state with no support nearby.

Sugarhouse is where all the young university types are (there is private Westminster College, and UofU nearby). However, it tends to be expensive. Mill Creek and Brickyard is good and nearby. There are lots of duplexes and basement apartments for rent, as well as regular apartments.

It will all be good. My kid is going into her junior year at college, and so I've been out there about six times. I have never felt unsafe. Air quality sucks in the winter, but what an outdoor playground if your kid likes to snowboard or hike or bike!

Best to you.