Newbie to SV: is my child treated fairly?

[SportyandMisty]

Originally Posted by newzao

We are originally from East Europe, but left the country for about 10 years ago, lived then in different places around the world.

Welcome to the USA. Sincerely. I hope our community is friendly to you and your family.

[easybay]

Newzao - I agree with what others are posting above, and will give you another perspective too. When my daughter was 6 and had her birthday party, one of the parents arrived with their child and announced that their 16 year old daughter was going to stay too. (while they went shopping). I didn't want the extra child (I had planned food and party games for the amount of children invited) and told them that they wouldn't be able to leave their 16 year old with me. They said that she could help me out with the party and then left. It is 15 years later, and I'm still annoyed by it (haha!).

My party was planned and focused around the interests of a group of 6 year olds - I didn't want the added stress and diversion of a 16 year old (even if she could help me). In the case of your neighbors party, she most likely planned the party around the interests of 11 year old and the attention at a birthday party is supposed to be on the birthday child. A 5 year old, needs more care and looking after (and help with games and activities).

Please don't wreck the friendship and good feelings of the children by holding resentment towards the family. Adults shouldn't get involved with children's affairs.

[newzao]

Thank you guys for your responces. Our previous experience, from the East Coast, was birthday parties for 4-5 y.o., where siblings and neighbors of age 2-8 were invited. Here we have older children and it looks as it indeed OK here to play toghether almost every day at our place without inviting my child to a party at their place.

Following your advice, yesterday at 6:30 pm I did send all the children (my + 3 others) to play outside. At 7:30 I took my child inside "to eat the dinner", 11 y.o. and her 7 y.o. sister followed with us without invitation. I went to wash my hands, when I was back my son and the girls were checking the refrigerator: my son said "the girls want some yogurt". I think it is a bit over the border. Or is it still OK and I am again doing a problem out of nothing?

BTW, girls' family seems to be completely OK looking from outside, and they are more wealthy then we are.

[easybay]

You are perfectly in line to say to the girls that it's time for little "Johnny's" dinner and can you girls go home now.

As for the yoghurt, they might not have it at home and see it as an opportunity to eat it at your house (especially if it's something neat, like the tube). In the future common practice is to offer the kids snacks if your child is having a snack. But they should not see your fridge as an opportunity to eat.

[easybay]

Haha - I have a memory of when I was a kid asking to stay for dinner at a neighbors house and they were having something REALLY terrible for dinner - Liver? I quickly felt a stomach flu come on and went home.

If you don't want them eating at your house the SMART thing is to invite them to eat stuff you know they won't like!!!

[jaijai]

Originally Posted by newzao

Thank you guys for your responces. Our previous experience, from the East Coast, was birthday parties for 4-5 y.o., where siblings and neighbors of age 2-8 were invited. Here we have older children and it looks as it indeed OK here to play toghether almost every day at our place without inviting my child to a party at their place.

Following your advice, yesterday at 6:30 pm I did send all the children (my + 3 others) to play outside. At 7:30 I took my child inside "to eat the dinner", 11 y.o. and her 7 y.o. sister followed with us without invitation. I went to wash my hands, when I was back my son and the girls were checking the refrigerator: my son said "the girls want some yogurt". I think it is a bit over the border. Or is it still OK and I am again doing a problem out of nothing?

.BTW, girls' family seems to be completely OK looking from outside, and they are more wealthy then we are.

You can never know if a family is o.k. by looking in from the outside.
And their wealth has nothing to do with their quality as people or family.
I was only suggesting that the girls like spending time at your home and that it may be because they feel more comfortable and / or safe with your family.

[Wintermomma]

Originally Posted by newzao

Following your advice, yesterday at 6:30 pm I did send all the children (my + 3 others) to play outside. At 7:30 I took my child inside "to eat the dinner", 11 y.o. and her 7 y.o. sister followed with us without invitation. I went to wash my hands, when I was back my son and the girls were checking the refrigerator: my son said "the girls want some yogurt". I think it is a bit over the border. Or is it still OK and I am again doing a problem out of nothing?

I think it's perfectly acceptable to tell the girls, "Sorry, it is time for you to go home. We're going to eat our dinner now. Have a nice night," or something like that. It sounds like perhaps they may not have had some guest-type manners instilled in them (i.e. they're going through your refridgerator without asking), so it may not be obvious to them that they should have gone home instead of follow you. If they don't leave then just continue to reinforce, "Johnny can't play right now. It is our dinner time. Maybe another night we can all have dinner together, but not tonight. Good Bye." then gently walk them to the door if they still don't get it.

[Jess72]

Originally Posted by newzao

Hi Everybody!

I should probably post my question on some forum for moms, but I would be happy to hear opinions from people outside traditional mom forum.

We are relatively new to the US and moved recently to Silicon Valley, i.e. we are not really familiar with the norms and rules of living here.

We are renting a house in quite nice area (where we hardly can afford to buy). I was very glad that my 5 y.o. son made friends with neighbors’ children (7-12 y.o.). They play outside or in our house (5 times per week), sometimes in neighbors’ houses (1-2 times per month). I explained this by the fact that our son is a new one here, very friendly and has another toys than those the other children used to play before we moved here (our toys are not new/expensive, just a bit different).

Recently one of those children who used to play inside our house had birthday (11 years) and big party. As far as we live just the next door, we heard the party very well. When I asked my son whether he was invited, he said “no”. He was very sad of being left outside, mainly because he considered the birthday girl to be his best friend. I suggested him to ask why he was not invited.

Two days after the party the girl came again to play at our house. When my son asked why he was not invited for the birthday party she answered it was party for big kids.

I myself tried to find an explanation. My thoughts were: age difference? unwillingness of parents to invest into the relations with us because we will move out one day? cultural differences? But why do all these children come almost every day to play with my child at our place?

Shortly speaking, I got feeling that my child is treated unfairly or even abused. However, as I said early, I am not familiar with the rules of living here. Do you guys think we have some issue with how my child is treated or am I doing a problem out of nothing? Would appreciate very much any comments.

It is very common in todays culture for kids to only invite in their age group. It is also very common to pick and choose only certain people out of their class. Sometimes the parents only allow a certain number invited so the child gets really picky. I personally feel everyone I send a Christmas card should be invited. So when my kids have a Birthday party I usually send out over 100 invitations and invite the whole family. My two oldest have summer B-days so they usually have a pool party with BBQ. I feel the more the marrier. Then one year I was told that it was rude to invite everyone because I was just trying to get more gifts for my kid. I was shocked! I told them they never even come to my kids party when I invite them. If you don't want to come why would you give a gift. She told me that it would be rude of her to not give a gift since I gave her an invitation. So I changed my invitation the next year to say gift not required.. Then everyone started asking me why I did that? I explained why and they were shocked also. So the next year I took the gift thing out and I just didn't send her an invitation.

The moral of my story is you can't make everyone happy. The age difference is an acceptable excuse. Of course it is always hard to explain these things to a five year old. I always tell my kids we can't control what other people do, but explain that it wasn't very nice. Then I tell them to remember how they feel so if they are ever in the same situation, to make the right choice.

[newzao]

I am very thankfull to everyone who replied/commented on my post. Some things are indeed different from what I expected or was used to. Your comments did help me to clarify the situation.

[Home Addict]

Originally Posted by Jess72

I always tell my kids we can't control what other people do, but explain that it wasn't very nice. Then I tell them to remember how they feel so if they are ever in the same situation, to make the right choice.

Excellent advice!