Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
And while it would be nice if they just gave the daughter carte blanche to do as she pleases, THEY DON'T HAVE TO and are doing nothing wrong if they don't.
If you expect to have the wedding of your dreams you should be mature enough to accept having to pay for it yourself.
I would say this is the best answer so far...that's what we did SO we wouldn't have to answer to others and it was an awesome wedding, just what we wanted.
I agree that your mom has every right to spend her money as she sees fit. She wants to host a big party (your wedding) and invite her co-workers and family to it. In a way, it's payback for all the weddings that she's attended as a guest. She's not interested in spending money for some destination of your choosing. I think that's understood and accepted by you and most of the above posters. (In the perfect world, she'd just give you the money and let you decide how to spend it, but this isn't a perfect world.)
But you might consider letting her host a big reception when you get back. Again, that's up to your mother, you and your groom.
My son (who turned 40 this year) was finally married last fall. (He and his bride have tons of money, so that wasn't an issue anyway.) They had a destination wedding at a lovely resort in Mexico. About 70 people attended and all had a great time, but many of their friends and relatives couldn't make it. For them (for all of us) they hosted a "hometown reception" when we returned. Granted, it wasn't the big deal that a huge wedding would have been, but it was a chance for everyone to get together, party, and celebrate the new marriage.
The bride, groom and all the attendants dressed up for it just as they had for the wedding. They had a wedding cake, dance, photographer, etc. -- everything they would have had if the reception had followed the ceremony by an hour rather than by a month.
If YOU like the idea, you might see if your mother is interested.
By all means, invite your mother to your destination wedding. It would be cruel to say, "then you're not invited," even if she's having a hissy fit.
And try to remember throughout all of this, the wedding day is something most brides have dreamed about for years and want it to be perfect, but the mothers of those brides have probably dreamed about it for just as long. Be firm, but also try to be understanding with her. We all have our faults.
This. While I don't approve of the idea of manipulating a person with finances or giving a gift with strings attached ... it's your mom's money. Her choice what to spend it on, and if she doesn't want to go to Hawaii or Jamaica or Tahiti to see you get married, that's her prerogative. You can pay for your own wedding, get the money from someone else, or abide by her wishes.
You might try compromising. Since your fiance's family is all gung ho about spending money to go on vacation with you, perhaps you could elope at home and ask for money from your mom for the honeymoon. Your in-laws could all go with you then.
Yes it's the mother's money and it's the daughter's wedding. If the OP doesn't want the mother's idea of a party, then she should just pay for her wedding herself. Maybe the groom's family would give the money for the wedding since it's how they want it.
The mother probably had dreamed of this day and how it was going to be, saved money for it, planned to invite her friends, neighbors, family and since it's not going to be that, let her save the money in case the other daughter wants to do it that way.
I told myself that in the end, I have to do what makes me happy. At the end of the day, I'm with my fiance - he's my life. He's the one i sleep with, the one i wake up with, the one that's there for me day and night. He will be the one I have a family with, the one I retire with, the one I spend my life with.... I guess all I have to do is keep it moving, and do everything on my own?
thoughts??
Have your fiance pay for the wedding if you can't pay for it, and since his family is looking forward to the trip, they should help pay.
And don't hold it against your mom that she dreamed of something different. Traditionally if the parents pay for the wedding, they like to have a little input and be a part of the plans. You are rejecting her idea of a wedding -- which is perfectly fine, but you aren't entitled to your mother's money.
The mother probably had dreamed of this day and how it was going to be, saved money for it, planned to invite her friends, neighbors, family and since it's not going to be that, let her save the money in case the other daughter wants to do it that way.
That's nice. But guess what? Who cares what the mother dreamed of? It's not her bleeping wedding. Holding the money hostage because she's not getting her way is absolutely reprehensible (not to mention immature and heartless).
If she offered up the cash to do a wedding, she's a total sh*t for taking it back, no matter what the reason. I do not think that parents are EVER obligated to pay for a wedding, but saying she won't pay because she doesn't get her way on her daughter's day is beyond despicable.
I can't believe people are actually defending this behavior.
That's nice. But guess what? Who cares what the mother dreamed of? It's not her bleeping wedding. Holding the money hostage because she's not getting her way is absolutely reprehensible (not to mention immature and heartless).
If she offered up the cash to do a wedding, she's a total sh*t for taking it back, no matter what the reason. I do not think that parents are EVER obligated to pay for a wedding, but saying she won't pay because she doesn't get her way on her daughter's day is beyond despicable.
I can't believe people are actually defending this behavior.
Ditto.
This whole thread reminded me of an article I recently read. It's written by an American who has a home in France. One of his French neighbors told him that Europeans tend to find Americans very weird in the ways they treat their own children when it comes to money.
That's nice. But guess what? Who cares what the mother dreamed of? It's not her bleeping wedding. Holding the money hostage because she's not getting her way is absolutely reprehensible (not to mention immature and heartless).
If she offered up the cash to do a wedding, she's a total sh*t for taking it back, no matter what the reason. I do not think that parents are EVER obligated to pay for a wedding, but saying she won't pay because she doesn't get her way on her daughter's day is beyond despicable.
I can't believe people are actually defending this behavior.
I can't rep you again - but I agree wholeheartedly.
That's nice. But guess what? Who cares what the mother dreamed of? It's not her bleeping wedding. Holding the money hostage because she's not getting her way is absolutely reprehensible (not to mention immature and heartless).
If she offered up the cash to do a wedding, she's a total sh*t for taking it back, no matter what the reason. I do not think that parents are EVER obligated to pay for a wedding, but saying she won't pay because she doesn't get her way on her daughter's day is beyond despicable.
I can't believe people are actually defending this behavior.
Reread this part:
I have had a decent/good job since i was 18 y/o. They never paid a bill of mine, I bought and paid for my car in full, and now I live on my own and about to sell that house, to purchase a bigger house farther away.
I'm at a loss for words. I dont know what to do anymore. I am completely opposite from my family. Different goals, different hobbies, totally different personalities. We aren't close, I dont get sad when weeks go by and we don't see one another... so what to do?
The OP believes she is very different than her family, quite a bit better than her mother and doesn't feel close to her at all, doesn't really care if she ever sees her.
Did the mother ever say that she wanted to just hand over $30,000 (more than many people earn in a year) and have all her friends left out?
It looks like to me that the daughter really doesn't give a hoot about her family, other than have them hand over money she believes she's entitled to have. Yet she has a good job and income, has plenty of money of her own -- so to me the best solution is just have her wedding the way she wants to have it and pay for it herself. Or since the groom's family is very excited about the trip, let them pay for it.
I guess also almost everyone I know, especially people who have good careers and have lived away from home for many years tend to pay for their own weddings, in fact I thought the trend was not to expect your parents to pay - but if your parents do pay for it, then you include them in on the plans and let them invite some of their friends.
This whole thread reminded me of an article I recently read. It's written by an American who has a home in France. One of his French neighbors told him that Europeans tend to find Americans very weird in the ways they treat their own children when it comes to money.
Sounds like the Europeans give all that money to their kids with some strings atttached:
"And if you don't have any money, at least you should help your children find suitable marriage partners. When they do it on their own, the result is hit or miss. Often, they just make the wrong choices.
Now how many American adults would allow their parents find them suitable marriage partners? The OP doesn't even want her mother involved in the wedding plans, I doubt she allowed her mother to pick her fiance out.
Did the mother ever say that she wanted to just hand over $30,000 (more than many people earn in a year) and have all her friends left out?
I guess also almost everyone I know, especially people who have good careers and have lived away from home for many years tend to pay for their own weddings, in fact I thought the trend was not to expect your parents to pay - but if your parents do pay for it, then you include them in on the plans and let them invite some of their friends.
Would have to agree on this one... people can offer to pay and retract when they aren't happy about it. Like my parents offered to pay for my siblings' tuition but then retracted cuz they were displeased with their behavior. I thought it was perfectly within their right to retract. Can always take out loans.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Ditto.
