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My daughter recently married and adopted father, the only father she has ever know, refused to participate financially or physically in her wedding plans. After some discussion, he did walk her down the aisle and attended the reception leave soon after the father-daughter dance. Later she opened her cards at home, thanks goodnes, discovering a note from her father. He basically told her he had fulfilled his duties set by the judge at the time of the adoption and felt he had nothing else to offer. What kind of person does that!!! She feels her relationship with him during the wedding and previously is all based on lies. How do I mend a broken heart???
I am sure as her mother you can sit down and be understanding. You can only change how you react to people. You cannot change anyone else. I think the mistake here was expectations. He had to be pushed into participation. That was a big red flag. I think there are a lot of other things going on and she needs to work thru the stages of grief over losing a father.
She will need to work thru them because this is like a death. Death of a relationship. You can help her by reading about the stages and understanding when she is going thru them and how to react.
My daughter recently married and adopted father, the only father she has ever know, refused to participate financially or physically in her wedding plans. After some discussion, he did walk her down the aisle and attended the reception leave soon after the father-daughter dance. Later she opened her cards at home, thanks goodnes, discovering a note from her father. He basically told her he had fulfilled his duties set by the judge at the time of the adoption and felt he had nothing else to offer. What kind of person does that!!! She feels her relationship with him during the wedding and previously is all based on lies. How do I mend a broken heart???
Vine, how are you related to her adopted father? What I don't understand is how this man became her adopted father, when it sounded like he never wanted to adopt anyone in the first place?
My daughter recently married and adopted father, the only father she has ever know, refused to participate financially or physically in her wedding plans. After some discussion, he did walk her down the aisle and attended the reception leave soon after the father-daughter dance. Later she opened her cards at home, thanks goodnes, discovering a note from her father. He basically told her he had fulfilled his duties set by the judge at the time of the adoption and felt he had nothing else to offer. What kind of person does that!!! She feels her relationship with him during the wedding and previously is all based on lies. How do I mend a broken heart???
Are you married to this man? If anyone ever treated my daughter that way my best advice to them would be to run and duck.
Oh my goodness - how devastating for your daughter. I am so sorry for her. How could he do that????
There is little you can do except be there for her, listen and give her support as much as you can. I hope she doesn't develop trust issues because of this or her relationship could suffer. I think that letting her talk and express her hurt and disappointment is probably the best idea for now.
Is this man your husband? Or did you give your daughter up for adoption? If so, it sounds like the adoptive mother wanted the adoption way more than he did. He probably also would prefer to have a will drawn up where only blood relatives inherit when he dies.
Also, most men are very cynical about weddings and the cost of them, especially the expensive ones. Like the wedding dress that never gets worn again etc...
Sounds to me like you were previously married to the adoptive father and now are divorced but since he adopted her he legally had to take care of her til adulthood, and now he's really bitter he had to do that, since it wasn't his child?
If you are divorces you can use that as an explanation and a way for you to connect with your daughter in this time of hurt.
Like" He jilted me too, he's an immature man, and I'm glad he is out of both our lives" and work through it together
What an a$$! Had he been acting differently towards he before this or was this all a big shock?
If it was a shock, maybe there is an underlying explanation. Maybe he is against the marriage, Maybe he's going through a midlife crisis and her marriage is pointing out just how old he is!
Has anyone tried to see what is problem is? (Other than being an A$$?)
My daughter recently married and adopted father, the only father she has ever know, refused to participate financially or physically in her wedding plans. After some discussion, he did walk her down the aisle and attended the reception leave soon after the father-daughter dance. Later she opened her cards at home, thanks goodnes, discovering a note from her father. He basically told her he had fulfilled his duties set by the judge at the time of the adoption and felt he had nothing else to offer. What kind of person does that!!! She feels her relationship with him during the wedding and previously is all based on lies. How do I mend a broken heart???
Basically, there is nothing anyone can do. The man feels like he feels and you cannot control it. If it had been me, I wouldn't have even asked him to walk me down the isle or participate in the wedding. He evidently did not want to be there. There are some people that are never going to be able to live up to your expectations, right or wrong...and you simply have to distance yourself from him. I mean your daughter...while it hurts, awful...it will hurt her more if she doesn't simply face the truth. It's not about her...it's him...he is not father material....I believe her first inclination would be to blame herself and ask herself, why doesn't he want to be a father? What is wrong with me...why me? But it has nothing to do with her. What it is, is the way he was raised, his moral obligations are just not there...he obviously has proved that, and to push him further would mean only more heartbreak. Again...there are some people who cannot be who we wish they could be...and we just have to leave it at that.
She is a new wife, I would advise her to concentrate on her new life, new husband, etc....and if she has more of a problem with it....then perhaps counciling would be an answer.
It is sadly, what it is....he is the one who is and will be missing out.
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