Part 16- Exposed
Posted 01-15-2009 at 02:53 PM by Pam& Bill
In the week since Bill has been home, life has become a rollercoaster ride of new side affects, different behavior and intense sessions of talking about us. It has been draining for me in many ways.
As Bill and I are both stroke survivors, which is how we met on a stroke support site, I can understand many of the affects Bill has been feeling. Mainly the depression.This last heart attack really knocked him for a loop. That in itself scares me as all the other ones he has had, he always looked the picture of perfect health when he came home from the hospitol. When he walked in the door Friday night, he had aged years and his face color was grey. He also was slurring his words and had no balance. I thought it was just exhaustion.
Over the weekend, the symptons became exxagerated and some of his behavior was bizarre.We were both up in the wee hours of Saturday night/ Sunday morning. Bill kept having me watch him walk back and forth in the living room. What I noticed were to me classic deficits of another small stroke. The slurred speech, loss of balance, even his mouth was drooping, the insomnia and the cognitive deficits he was displaying and it would even explain the additional depression he was fighting. Now depression can happen after a heart attack too, so I set aside the depression, I think I've watched too many episodes of House....
For 2 days now Bill has been talking of going back to the ER. More just to verify what we already suspect and to give Bill some piece of mind. I'm all for that and some may be saying to themselves, why hasn't he gone to the ER already??? The simple answer is, if it in fact was another stroke that was definitely a small one... the symptoms clear up and disappear in 1-2 days and there is nothing medically that can be done for him at this point.He tells me he feels "foggy" in his brain and he is having trouble making up his mind when faced with choices. I keep telling him he needs sleep. I keep sleeping whenever I can as I feel exhausted all the time, which brings on shades of guilt. I guess I need to give myself permission to grieve right now, which I feel I can't because I don't want to treat Bill any differently then I always have. I've never treated him as an invalid and I won't now.
I guess I will put down my internal struggle that is an endless circle.I wonder how can I love someone so much and know they are uncomfortable in their body,yet I cannot let them go. Does that make the love that I feel for Bill just a boulder around his neck? I know there are no answers to be found here, I just needed to write my thoughts down and in doing so give myself a few moments of peace.
As Bill and I are both stroke survivors, which is how we met on a stroke support site, I can understand many of the affects Bill has been feeling. Mainly the depression.This last heart attack really knocked him for a loop. That in itself scares me as all the other ones he has had, he always looked the picture of perfect health when he came home from the hospitol. When he walked in the door Friday night, he had aged years and his face color was grey. He also was slurring his words and had no balance. I thought it was just exhaustion.
Over the weekend, the symptons became exxagerated and some of his behavior was bizarre.We were both up in the wee hours of Saturday night/ Sunday morning. Bill kept having me watch him walk back and forth in the living room. What I noticed were to me classic deficits of another small stroke. The slurred speech, loss of balance, even his mouth was drooping, the insomnia and the cognitive deficits he was displaying and it would even explain the additional depression he was fighting. Now depression can happen after a heart attack too, so I set aside the depression, I think I've watched too many episodes of House....
For 2 days now Bill has been talking of going back to the ER. More just to verify what we already suspect and to give Bill some piece of mind. I'm all for that and some may be saying to themselves, why hasn't he gone to the ER already??? The simple answer is, if it in fact was another stroke that was definitely a small one... the symptoms clear up and disappear in 1-2 days and there is nothing medically that can be done for him at this point.He tells me he feels "foggy" in his brain and he is having trouble making up his mind when faced with choices. I keep telling him he needs sleep. I keep sleeping whenever I can as I feel exhausted all the time, which brings on shades of guilt. I guess I need to give myself permission to grieve right now, which I feel I can't because I don't want to treat Bill any differently then I always have. I've never treated him as an invalid and I won't now.
I guess I will put down my internal struggle that is an endless circle.I wonder how can I love someone so much and know they are uncomfortable in their body,yet I cannot let them go. Does that make the love that I feel for Bill just a boulder around his neck? I know there are no answers to be found here, I just needed to write my thoughts down and in doing so give myself a few moments of peace.
Total Comments 8
Comments
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Pamand Bill we have come to love both of you through this blog, and what a blessing you both are to us as we are humbled by your strength and love that just seems to keep on supporting each of you..God Bless you both.....Posted 01-15-2009 at 03:20 PM by Miss Blue
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Pam, I just want you to know that I am praying daily for both you and Bill!! Please know that you have many friends here at C-D that love and care for you both!! Thank you for the beautiful love that you demonstrate.....you are a great example for everyone!!!Posted 01-15-2009 at 03:41 PM by bebette
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Hang in there, Pam. As hard as it is right now I know you can do what needs to be done.
JeanPosted 01-15-2009 at 09:28 PM by Wayland Woman
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Pam, I didn't know you posted another blog right after the 15 entry. Your relationship with Bill is a fine example of what God gives us in order to make sure we stay strong mentally. Your blogs have truly inspired me, they give me a new outlook on life and teach me in ways I can't even explain.
Pam, Your a great person and Bill is lucky to have you care for him, embrace the time you have together.
God Bless, JoshPosted 01-16-2009 at 06:58 PM by JoshB
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Pam, my heart goes out to you & Bill. Do you have anyone to give you real physical help should you need it in the days ahead? I worry when you say you are exhausted & not getting enough sleep. I understand not going to the ER if there's nothing they can do, but what does his private physician have to say?
There was about a 10 day period when my husband was taken by ambulance 3 seperate times - he should not have come back home - but hospitals & insurance companies are too quick to shuffle you out the door. Anyway, you are in my prayers.
This has been an inspiring blog to read - the power of the love you two share is amazing.Posted 01-18-2009 at 07:22 PM by piperspal
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Pam, I just read the last two blogs you wrote. I didn't know you were still writing. I am so sorry to hear about Bill. I know I am a long way away, but if there is anything I can help you with please let me know. Please try to get some rest for yourself. I know it is not easy to say that and take care of things with Bill. Is the doctor giving Bill anything for his depression. Even just some Zanax would take the edge off. Give me a call if you just want to talk. I am here for you along with everyone on the forum. Love to you both. PatPosted 01-20-2009 at 10:56 AM by vacation bound
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Pam, count me in as another one who just found your blogs today. I am so very sorry that Bill has had a few minor setbacks since he returned from the hospital.
You are continuing to be strong during his recovery even with some of the seemingly setbacks. But do remember that you also have to take care of yourself while watching Bill's every move.
There are many listening ears, reading eyes and leaning shoulders here at CD. Please continue to update. You both are in my thoughts and prayers and asking for God's hand to help you through.
SuzannePosted 01-21-2009 at 06:35 PM by Suzanne45
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PAm-just catching up. Wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you two. lots of hugs coming your way.Posted 01-24-2009 at 06:48 PM by mysticfire0213
