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It's sad that desperation drives people to such tactics, though I have to wonder if those who do this have been rejected previously by ethical adoption agencies for some reason which is perceived as making them likely to be poor parents...
Wow CraigCreek. I had honestly not even considered this. Great point.
This seems like a very bad idea, fraught with all sorts of dangers of various kinds for all involved. That said, I've seen ads from couples wanting to adopt in lots of big city newspapers, and I find these equally appalling.
It's sad that desperation drives people to such tactics, though I have to wonder if those who do this have been rejected previously by ethical adoption agencies for some reason which is perceived as making them likely to be poor parents...
You still have to be stable enough to pass a homestudy, and I don't think this has to do with ethical adoption agencies rejecting people. When we were trying to adopt we knew and heard of many people that advertised like that. It costs a lot of money, but it did work sometimes for them. I do think it is desperation, yes. Many of these people were doing this while at the same time with an agency trying to help. There is a great demand for newborn babies, and far fewer babies available than there are couples waiting. Adoption can be very difficult and take a long time. We waited 5 years before we got chosen by a birthmom. During those 5 years we got scammed, lied to, and had a birthmother change her mind soon after the baby was born. I know of many different ways that I have seen of people trying to adopt, but that doesn't mean there is something wrong with them.
Originally Posted by CraigCreek This seems like a very bad idea, fraught with all sorts of dangers of various kinds for all involved. That said, I've seen ads from couples wanting to adopt in lots of big city newspapers, and I find these equally appalling.
It's sad that desperation drives people to such tactics, though I have to wonder if those who do this have been rejected previously by ethical adoption agencies for some reason which is perceived as making them likely to be poor parents...
Quote:
Originally Posted by brokencrayola
You still have to be stable enough to pass a homestudy, and I don't think this has to do with ethical adoption agencies rejecting people. When we were trying to adopt we knew and heard of many people that advertised like that. It costs a lot of money, but it did work sometimes for them. I do think it is desperation, yes. Many of these people were doing this while at the same time with an agency trying to help. There is a great demand for newborn babies, and far fewer babies available than there are couples waiting. Adoption can be very difficult and take a long time. We waited 5 years before we got chosen by a birthmom. During those 5 years we got scammed, lied to, and had a birthmother change her mind soon after the baby was born. I know of many different ways that I have seen of people trying to adopt, but that doesn't mean there is something wrong with them.
Brokencrayola,
While I agree in principle with your statement that prospective adoptive parents need to be stable enough to pass a homestudy - and truly believe the majority are - there can be flaws to the homestudy process depending on the state and the regulations. Washington state is a prime example - the Ombudsman for Families and Children report an up-tick in abuse (some leading to death) in adoptive homes in it's annual report to the Governor. She (the governor) called for an investigation to find out the underlying problems. That report shows the underlying weakness in the homestudy process - a very scary weakness at several levels.
I am providing the link to the report of the investigation and if requested will provide the Ombudsman report as well. Without proper oversight - any system set up will fail. Things like shopping for a homestudy, not qualified assessors, red flags ignored, no record of denials from other homestudy attempts, lack of oversight on who can provide a homestudy, what the requirements are of the homestudy. All of those lead to systemic breakdowns in the protection of the child. Washington took the time to look into it - hopefully the newly elected Governor does not drop the ball on actioning the items in the report - for the sake of the children.
Somewhere I had it in my head that there was this mythical adoption agency that ethically matched up children who needed homes with people who were emotionally and financially able, as best could be judged without a crystal ball, to create an environment in which the child would thrive. That they did this based on an experienced, educated, altruistic, carefully thought out process not at all resembling judging American Idol contests. Live & Learn.
Yes, yes! I find all of the advertising for pregnant women in poor taste but craigslist? I mean, really? Craigslist??
If adoption has to exist at all, this is my thought process. No "dear birth mother" letters, they all say the same thing anyway. No advertising of any kind for the prospective adoptive parents. A profile stating where they went to college, GPA's, genetic background, what kind of community they live in, religion (if any), personal politics, current careers and career goals, ages, planning to have other children or already have other children, pets, who are the other people who will be in the child's life regularly (i.e, daycare, babysitters, grandparents, etc.)-these are the kinds of things I would like to see on paper. Not in a letter format though, just a matter of fact form type of thing. My reasoning on this is that it should be assumed that all prospective adoptive parents went through the same homestudies, etc to get to the point to be considered as parents. All of the rest of the reasons a mother would choose adoptive parents can be presented in a form. No glossy photographs of the perfect couple. No flowery sentiment. Just the facts. This could create a more level playing field for prospective parents. However, I don't think most prospective parents want that. It seems like it's becoming a popularity contest. Whoever can expose themselves the most wins the baby.
I would also think that private advertising, whether paid for or free of charge like on craigslist would create a perfect environment for scams. I mean, there are women who are pregnant who may see these couples as a bank account for themselves. I don't know how often that happens, but I'm sure it must. Not sure if craigslist is the best place to extoll your virtues as a parent.
As a first mother myself, I would have never considered anyone who advertised as potential parents of my child. I also don't really get it. Do pregnant women who have decided on adoption go on craigslist of all places looking for parents? Are these ads geared towards scared expecting mothers who are looking for any way to create a good life for their child? Do these people who advertise think that one glossy photo of themselves smiling next to a tree is going to persuade a woman to consider them? Does it actually work?
Sorry, this post turned into more of a brain storm than an actual opinion. My final thought, craigslist ads for babies are icky.
When I was helping 2 young women make decisions about adoption I talked to employees of several agencies as well. it is interesting to be on the other side of the fence and not as a prospective adoptive parent.
Even the most reputable attorney and agency will tell a couple to let everybody you know you are looking for a baby. Tell church, friends, grocery store clerks, etc is what we were told. It was even suggested to me I stand in front of an abortion clinic with a sign saying I wanted to adopt. Can you imagine.
Seeing the Dear Birth Mother letters and presentation books made m ill. It was happy colorful pictures of extended family, big houses and fine cars, fun trips in hawaii and skiing . In other words the highest bidder. How is that any different than an initial introduction on CL?
Even the most reputable attorney and agency will tell a couple to let everybody you know you are looking for a baby. Tell church, friends, grocery store clerks, etc is what we were told. It was even suggested to me I stand in front of an abortion clinic with a sign saying I wanted to adopt. Can you imagine. Seeing the Dear Birth Mother letters and presentation books made m ill. It was happy colorful pictures of extended family, big houses and fine cars, fun trips in hawaii and skiing . In other words the highest bidder. How is that any different than an initial introduction on CL?
I don't think it's any different. I find all of the things you mentioned here to be highly questionable. It is my feeling that ours is a "baby at any cost" culture. People want a baby--any baby--so desperately that they will advertise on CL, hand out "we're adopting" business cards to the grocery store clerk and compete with others to show how their ability to provide material items is superior. This is not at all about helping women and children in need. This is about getting their hands on someone else's baby before another couple or person does.
There are children in foster care who are truly in need of homes. Yet, people will stand outside of an abortion clinic with a sign saying they want to adopt a baby. Again, it is hardly about helping a child at that point. People want what they want. And they'll do what it takes to get it. And we wonder why babies and children have been commodified in our culture? Highest bidder indeed.
I think people need to check their moral compass...which should include - how would I feel if the situation was reversed...
Didn't anyone have the saying below told them when they were young:
Quote:
If Tommy jumped off the bridge would you jump off too?
It isn't rhetorical - it is a reminder to make your choices based on your moral compass, what's right and wrong, and not just follow what others tell you to do, or are doing.
Adoption advertising on Craigslist is disgusting in my opinion. Advertising at all seems wrong. No Kudzo . . . the olden days there were plenty of babies available because of the social climate and the unethical ways birth mothers were treated at that time. Like you said, we can't go back to that or to the days before social media. However, there should be strict laws and limits on what is acceptable in dealing with human beings. I laugh at employers who place ads for jobs on Craigslist. It must be a really crappy job, is what I think. Or a scam. If you take yourself seriously as an adoptive parent, do things ethically and legally. And be able to tell your child one day that they were more than a commodity you advertised for on a free website. Unbelievable.
No Kudzo . . .I'm guessing when you say "reputable adoption agency or attorney" you mean the majority who think in terms of profit. Reputable agencies and attorneys lie all the time!! Hence the need for adoption reform. If you work in the system, you will meet mostly other people who think the same about adoption. That it's o.k. to advertise and tell everyone you know. When we adopted a family member I was disgusted when people would call us up and tell us about this great young couple they knew who wanted to adopt. I don't care about some young perfect couple who want to adopt. This was MY family member and WE were raising her. Period. I find it insulting and ridiculous that prospective adoptive parents believe that they have a right to somebody else's child at all, let alone that they will advertise!! I work in the legal field myself and see all sorts of unethical things going on around me. The trick is to not drink the kool-aid! Think for yourself. Would your kid want to know you held a sign in front of an abortion clinic? I'm not saying you think this a good idea, but common sense would dictate that clearly anyone "reputable" who advises such a thing is only thinking about their pocketbook.
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