[Rainbow Island]

I think this could work & work well.
Airport security - excellent solutions


Here's a possible solution to all the controversy over full-body
scanners at the airports. Have a booth that you can step into that will
not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on
you.

It would be a win-win for everyone, and there would be none of
this racial profiling and this method would eliminate a long and
expensive trial. Justice would be quick and swift. Case Closed!

This is so simple that it's brilliant. I can see it now: you're
in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly
thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system, "Attention standby
passengers we now have a seat available on flight number..."

I Like It!!!

[flyingscotsman]

This is old but I thought it was worth sharing

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die!

This is so priceless and so easy to see happening
- customer service, being what it is today!

A lady died this past September, and MBNA bank billed her for October and November for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge.
The balance that had been £0.00, now is somewhere around £60.00.

A family member placed a call to the MBNA Bank:

Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you that she died in September.'

MBNA: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and
charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

MBNA: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

MBNA: 'Either report her account to the frauds division or report
her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

MBNA:'Excuse me?'

Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you .... The part about
her being dead?'

MBNA: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you,she died in September.'

MBNA:'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges
still apply.'

Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

MBNA: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member: 'No, I'm her grandson'

(Lawyer info given)

MBNA: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member: 'Sure.'

( fax number is given )

After they get the fax:

MBNA: 'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more
I can do to help.'

Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care.'

MBNA:'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'

Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'

MBNA:'That might help.'

Family Member: ' Heaton Cemetery, Heaton Road, Newcastle upon Tyne Plot 1049.'

MBNA:'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member: 'Well, what the **** do you do with dead people on your planet?'

MBNA were not available for comment when a reporter from the Newcastle Evening Chronicle rang.

[flyingscotsman]

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

[flyingscotsman]

ebay?

Does anyone know how to cancel a bid on eBay? I put in a bid for a
“Mickey Mouse Outfit” and now it seems I'm only six minutes away from
owning Obama and his entire Cabinet.

[vansci123]

The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor. We need to keep that money here in America.

[flyingscotsman]

Man, I'll tell ya, women can be cold until the end!

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. 'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well.. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less sombre. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.' The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered,
'Mum, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?'

'Because I don't want any of those ******* sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order.'

[flyingscotsman]

A husband wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table.

"Honey, breakfast is on the table, I left early to go grocery shopping.
Love You!"

Totally shocked with the note , he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. He asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious. Broke some crockery, puked in the hall, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door". Confused, the man asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me? I should expect a big quarrel with her!"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your clothes n shoes off, you yelled,

"LADY LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M MARRIED!"


Moral:
Self-induced hangover - $ 400.00
Broken crockery - $ 800.00
Breakfast - $ 10.00
Saying the Right Thing While Drunk – "PRICELESS "

[flyingscotsman]

One day mother was cleaning little Johnny's room and under his mattress she found a bondage S&M magazine.

This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until Father got home and showed it to him.

He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word. So she asked him, "What should we do about this?"

Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."

[flyingscotsman]

God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make
your lives better.
The Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?"
And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."
Can you give us an example?"
"Thou shall not kill."
"Not kill? We're not interested."
God went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments." The Blacks wanted an
example, and the Lord said, "Honor thy Father and Mother."
"Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested."
Then He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments." The Mexicans
also wanted an example, and the Lord said "Thou shall not steal."
"Not steal? We're not interested."
Then He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments." The French too
wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shall not commit adultery."
"Not commit adultery? We're not interested."
Finally, He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."
"Commandments?" They said, "How much are they?"
"They're free."
"We'll take 10."
There, that ought to offend just about everybody

[flyingscotsman]

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair,watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship. One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"

The Fairy Godmother replied "Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you 3 wishes.

Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?" Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish: "I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension."

Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Alan, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear. Cinderella said "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother".

The Fairy Godmother replied "It is the least I can do. What does your heart wish for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said: "I wish I was young and full of the beauty of youth again".

At once, her wish having been desired, became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigour and vitality began to course through her very soul.

Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke "You have one more wish, what shall you have?" Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said: "I wish you to transform Alan my old cat into a beautiful and handsome young man".

Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a boy,so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet.

The Fairy Godmother again spoke: "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life." And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.

For a few eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms. He leant in close to her ear, and into her ear breathed as much as whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, "I bet you regret having my *******s chopped off now, don't you?"