[sandgirl]

During World War II, selective service wasn't always so selective. My nearsighted friend went before the draft board to explain just how poor his vision was. "If I were to lose my glasses, I wouldn't be able to see at all," he told them.

"Don't you worry," replied the sergeant in charge. "When we attack, we'll stick you in front of the battalion. You won't miss a thing."

[snapper54]

A young fella that just started high school was at football practice when he took notice of this young cheerleader. It took a while but when he got his nerve up he went over and started to talk to her. Before it was over he had asked her if she would like to go to the movie show with him. She said she would but he would have to come over to her house for sunday for dinner and meet her folks.He agreed. Before he went over there he went to the local drug store and went up to the pharmacist and ask where he could fined a 1lb, 3lb, and a 5lb box of of candy. the pharmacist ask him if this was for one person and he said yes. The pharmacist said that he could sell him a 10lb box of candy a lot cheaper. He said no that he needed all three boxes because he had a plan. He told the pharmacist that he had a date on sunday to go to the movie show with this real pretty girl, and if things go just so so he was going to give her the 1lb box. If things go better than that he was going to give her the 3lb box. If thing go really really well, if you know what I mean, then I'm going to give her the 5lb box. The pharmacist said son you have a pretty good plan and sold hin the three boxes of candy. When sunday came he went over to her house and knock on the door. Her father answered the door and invited him in. At dinner time the father asked him to say grace. He started saying grace and just kept on saying it . He went on an on an on. He said grace for more than a half and hour. When they where done with dinner they said good bye to the parents and started walking to the movie show. While walking the young girl turned to him and said, I did'nt know you were that religous. He turn to her and said and I did't know your dad was a pharmacist either.

[flyingscotsman]

Weather

It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'
'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a huge load of firewood'

[wconell]

Two Indians standing next to the street in a west town. They saw a man go by on a contraption called a bicycle. One looked at the other and said "Only white man figure out way to run sitting down".






"The very best saw, ever I saw, to saw, was the saw, I saw, in Arkansas."

Heard that 50+ years ago just before Grandpa died outside Little Rock on the farm.

[snapper54]

Grandpa and his grandson got up early on a real cold morning to go milk the cows. On the way to the barn they had to go passed the old mule. As they where going passed the mule grandpa reach out and lift the tail up and kissed the mule right on the brown spot. The grandson in shock said, why in the heck did you do that. Grandpa said he had chapped lips. The grandson said that does'nt help chapped lips. And grandpa said it sure does keep me from licking them.

[sandgirl]

After a minor mathematical error on a routine report, a worker's boss tried to belittle him in front of his peers. Angrily she asked, "If you had 4 oranges and I asked for one, how many would you have left?" Quickly he replied, "If it was you who asked, I'd still have 4 oranges."

[sandgirl]

WalMart is now considering selling wine from vending machines. As a precaution, the machine requires that you swipe your drivers license first. If you're buying wine from a vending machine, what are the odds you still have a drivers license?

[sandgirl]

Ralph was a smooth operator, and at Southwick Golf Club's annual dance he attached himself to the prettiest lady golfer in the room and began boasting to her.

'You know,' said Ralph, 'they're all afraid to play me. What do you think my handicap is?'

'Well, where do you want me to start, Ralph?' Came her quick response.

[sandgirl]

A teacher asked a pupil a question, but she could barely hear the child speaking since the other kids were making too much noise.

In an attempt to quiet them, she said, "I can hear voices!"

Two janitors outside heard the teacher and one said to the other, "Jeez, she better stop telling the kids about her mental problems!"

[flyingscotsman]

Suicide Bombers to go on strike Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks wit...h Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement. The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut this February, from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife. The suicide bomber's union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (BOOM) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return, and to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth."

Thanks to Western depravity there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the Union in the north east of England, Ireland, Wales, and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect their operations, as "there are no virgins in their areas anyway."

Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to the emergence of Scottish singing star Susan Boyle - now that Muslims know what an actual virgin looks like they are not so keen on going to paradise.