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Thinking about this very issue today! My husband has suddenly rediscovered his Catholicism, and now we are entering a holiday season with his new super-Catholic friends. I am an atheist and always have been. I was once asked to lead grace as a child visiting a Catholic friend's home and refused politely - the family seemed shocked and became suddenly cold towards me. I was seven! So, here I am, 30 years later, frightened of being asked, and rightfully saying "no, thank you - I don't think I can do that." And shocking the kids and grown-ups alike! How can I make sure no one asks me as we settle down to eat? I am a respectful person, but I am not a hypocrite!
I may face this issue during a mid-December trip to visit my older brothers ... one of them is still a fundamentalist and his oldest daughter and son-in-law live next door to him and will be present -- and the son-in-law is the pastor of a church. It's that brother's custom to have guests say the prayer over the food. I can't bring myself to do it anymore, and hilarity will probably ensue. Maybe, just maybe, I can do something brief and generic, addressed to no one: "We have much to be thankful for, this food in particular; may it be to our good health". I'm not sure which would shock them more, the refusal to do it at all, or the pointed absence of the normal decorations -- the preamble of "Father, " it not being addressed to anyone much less god, and the "Amen" postscript. Departure from the formula may be even more upsetting than total avoidance.
It's one of those things where no good can come of over-thinking it; I'll know what to do when the time comes. Partly it will depend on how much of a d-bag my brother is before the meal ;-)
If you have no religion, it is still appropriate to say something like:
How lucky we are to have such a group of good friends and such abundant good food on the table. There is much to be thankful for.
Leave it at that. There really isn't any excuse for making a scene at a family gathering, nor is it an appropriate place to expound upon your beliefs or lack there of, nor to criticize the beliefs of others.
If you have no religion, it is still appropriate to say something like:
How lucky we are to have such a group of good friends and such abundant good food on the table. There is much to be thankful for.
Leave it at that. There really isn't any excuse for making a scene at a family gathering, nor is it an appropriate place to expound upon your beliefs or lack there of, nor to criticize the beliefs of others.
I will be gentle, but also authentic. If there is a scene it will be made by my hosts. It is impertinent to assume too much of your guests or to put them on the spot, after all, so if I don't feel like playing along and they get their knickers in a twist it is their issue, not mine. Still ... I suppose I will pull something out of my poo launcher for the occasion.
These days, if I am in someone's home, I politely wait through whatever grace is said. It would seem incredibly rude to make an issue of the at home private practices of someone who has been kind enough to invite me to a meal. If asked to say the grace myself, which I have not been for a very long time, I would offer my thanks to my hosts. If they want to add something about God in there, they can do it when I'm done.
I wasn't always like this, when I was a young smartass in my late teens, my grandmother made the mistake of asking me to say the grace before a family meal at her home. I did, but I delivered it in a loud imitation of a charismatic black preacher...."Awmighty Gawd! Would your power and light come through my body and BLESS this food!"....like that. My sister, also an atheist, thought it hilarious. Everyone else was royally pissed
When I was young, we would often say grace before Thanksgiving meal when we had extended family members over. My mom, dad, sister, and I are not religious, but other family members are slightly religious. Grace always felt awkward - bowing the head and all. My dad often said it, as it would be at our house. He always kept it secular, although sometimes my aunt would chime in with something more spiritual. Once my grandparents had passed away, and it was just the four of us for Thanksgiving for one year, before we started to eat we all paused awkwardly, looking at each other. "Oh, should we say grace?" My dad paused for a moment, shrugged, then yelled, "Grace!" and then we all ate. It's become something of a tradition, as long as we don't have religious guests.
If I had to say it, I would keep it purely secular. I don't think it would be odd to do that; thankfulness comes in all types, and saying you're thankful for everyone to be together to share a meal, and hoping for a good year or something, wouldn't be wrong. I don't think religious people would fault a grace-sayer in that way after the grace was said. If I was in a situation with a lot of religious people, I might deflect the grace onto someone else, or maybe even say, "Well, I like the idea of doing it a bit differently, this year why don't we all say something. Who wants to start?"
These days, if I am in someone's home, I politely wait through whatever grace is said.
Same here, I was talking about being made to say it myself. My brother and I have a sort of unspoken "don't ask, don't tell" policy about my "spiritual" life but he assumes, AFAIK, that I'm just a backslider rather than a full-on unbeliever. The more I think about it, look, the guy is 72 years old and I don't want to ruin his day, so I may fake my way through it. I can probably handle that better than he can handle evidence of my apostasy.
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