30 something in Boston (Cambridge, Somerville, Brookline: home, school, gated)

[tballpasta]

I am a 36 year old single, professional, woman and have lived in Boston for just over 6 years. The older I get, the harder it seems to be to meet friends my age who are not married with kids.

I have taken classes, tried Meetup, joined a gym, taken Ultimate Bootcamp (fitness bootcamp on Boston Common), taken ski clinics, joined AMC, gone to grad school, you name it, I've dabbled in it. (We won't even discuss the depressing amount of online dating I have dealt with.) Each time, I find that I meet people much much younger than myself OR, women my age with kids. I have nothing against either group, but rarely do I have much in common with them. I'm not the uber-shy type. I have no problem going out alone but that really does start to get old.

I was wondering if anyone had any other suggestions to meet new people. Unfortunately, I am horribly un-athletic and have never been very competitive so, sports teams would likely hate me. Having trouble making friends is very foreign to me. Any help is GREATLY appreciated.

[LeavingMA]

Can't really help you but to say I think this is common a lot of places. You will probably find that many of the single people in their 30's and 40's have been married before. I'm in my 30's and would probably say from what I've seen that 30's is probably a purgatory age to be single. Your in between when most get married and before they get divorced.

[DobermanBoston]

Go to bars, whether or not you enjoy drinking. Really.

[goyguy]

I run into "couple-ism" ALL THE TIME. The common unstated belief apparently is, there's something wrong with a person who's unmarried - and if they've never been married they definitely have issues. But this is one area in which women have a distinct advantage. Should they not be sought after by eligible straight men, there've always been formal and informal support networks to turn to. Guys are expected to go it alone - which for me is a non-issue because I usually enjoy solitude, but can be more problematic for others.

There are plenty of folks who aren't fazed by someone's unattached status, but the trick is staying involved with activities they get into because of the relentless emphasis on "for two." "A weekend for two." "Dinner for two." "Couples' retreat." Etc etc. It's only because of being painfully shy as a child and overcompensating from age 17 on that I've managed to make my way into social circles and hold my place there. What's worked best is to situate myself at the bar of a reputable restaurant and find excuses to chat up the person(s) nearby, nonaggressively rather than butting in. Much more often than not there's at least a pleasant give-and-take for the duration of the meal. Sometimes new social connections are forged, particularly if each party involved turns out to be a regular at the place we met. It also helps not only to be someplace not overrun by students or perpetual adolescents (not always easy to do in Boston/Cambridge/Somerville/Brookline) but to be beyond the age where it's assumed that you're only starting a conversation to get to asking for a date. Most of the folks I've met in these settings have never been seen again, to be sure. But I have a whole network of great friends that was launched from this scenario.

Not everybody has the time or inclination to go out a lot, of course, me among them. What's been most rewarding for me on the social front has been to volunteer, and to sing. When pitching in for a cause - no matter what it may be - you have common ground with everyone else who's shown up to do the park cleanup or advocate politically or whatever the case may be. Singing (for the Cambridge Community Chorus in my case) has been a fantastic social outlet. Vocal parts, except for tenor, are sex-segregated so all the guys n' gals are working and talking among themselves most of the time. No one's marital status is known until a group goes out afterwards or there's a self-introduction session. And nobody cares! After five years I can count dozens of new acquaintances and a good number of new friends whom I'd've never met had it not been for singing. Music, particularly folk or classical, is probably just about THE best leveler of social boundaries. And who's to say that you won't meet The Right Person in a musical group even if that wasn't the main motivation to join? It happened to one of the CCC's altos and our accompanist at the time. But unlike most sports clubs and many political organizations, most people undertake a musical endeavor because they really want to play or sing music. (Incidentally, the CCC and many other singing groups - as well as orchestras - are "talent blind." There are no auditions.)

Someone is bound to bring up the "join a church" response if I don't, so I might as well be the one. There's a vast spectrum of faith communities in Greater Boston beyond the omnipresent Catholic church, the mainline Protestant congregations, the Jewish temples in certain communities, etc. Be wary of the proliferating, sketchy "nondemoninational Christian" groups that somehow have the budget to saturate the T and print media with ads. Far too many are fronts for the Christian Right and sometimes more (a sibling has been caught up in one of the more cultlike "churches" for about fifteen years.) Then again, if you're a red-stater then you'd feel at home doing aerobics to a live rock band while chanting pat phrases before hearing the "pastor" mouth off against the social evils bringing on world decay. Not that the unabashedly progressive congregations are always really all that great either. Hypocrisy abounds wherever you look. And that's why I'm "unchurched" as well as maritally unattached, lol. But to each their own - if nothing else, you're guaranteed a social gathering every "worship day."

[mmyk72]

TBallPasta- I'm in the same situation. I moved here from TX. I've made friends at work (most people are older than myself) but I still haven't found close friends in my own age group in Bos.

I've done volunteering occasionally in activities that sounded interesting to me in the 1st place and to see if I can make some decent friends. Afterall, the volunteering crowd should be decent people to begin with... Well, I do meet nice people during the event but I've never stayed in contact with anyone afterwards. Same with other activities - I'd meet a lot of nice people and at the end of the day, everyone goes their own way.

It feels like everyone else already has a close circle of friends or a spouse / kids and you are always on the outside looking in. I have friends (living in other cities). When I'd hang out with them whenever we visit each other's cities or meetup somewhere. I'd feel like we saw each other yesterday eventhough it has been years since we met up. I don't have that type of friend in Boston. . .

Maybe age has a lot to do with it - it was easy to naturally become friends just by seeing each other day in/day out when one is younger (20s) - I'm talking about the non-dating type as in from school and work. Once people get a family of their own, they don't need or have time for making new casual friends. So it'd be interesting to hear other advises for me too.

[boston999]

What about professional organizations in your field? I am in a couple for my profession (including one for women) you always have industry topics to break the ice but at functions (especially those w alcohol) you don't have to talk small talk for long.

Also have you checked out the junior league? There are hundreds of women of all different ages and backgrounds.

To meet men I agree with the pp. Go to bars... even if it is just for an after work drink and appetizer. People always talk to me when Im sitting alone eating w a drink.

[donewithpretty]

It may have something to do with your area. For example, most of the people I know who live in the Davis Square area are in their 30s, coupled or not, and have no kids. The community is very socially and locally active, so it might be a good place to try.

Also, you've said you use Meetup -- try targeting what you're looking for (single, or at least childless, 30-somethings). There are a bunch of groups that fit your demographic:

30 Something Meetups near Boston, Massachusetts - 30 Something Meetups - Boston

[theSUBlime]

Move to Brooklyn.

[lovelife11]

Hey dont feel alone. I live in SC and its the same here too. Trust it's not a boston thing. Truth is 30 is that hard age..by that time most are married or like the previous said divorced. I will tell u what helped me meet guys..get into some kind of sport. Like for instance..i love football. LOVE IT! I will go to a sports bar alone and watch a football game, and believe it or not, thats how i met most guys.

[Redsox1972]

Originally Posted by mmyk72

TBallPasta- I'm in the same situation. I moved here from TX. I've made friends at work (most people are older than myself) but I still haven't found close friends in my own age group in Bos.

I've done volunteering occasionally in activities that sounded interesting to me in the 1st place and to see if I can make some decent friends. Afterall, the volunteering crowd should be decent people to begin with... Well, I do meet nice people during the event but I've never stayed in contact with anyone afterwards. Same with other activities - I'd meet a lot of nice people and at the end of the day, everyone goes their own way.

It feels like everyone else already has a close circle of friends or a spouse / kids and you are always on the outside looking in. I have friends (living in other cities). When I'd hang out with them whenever we visit each other's cities or meetup somewhere. I'd feel like we saw each other yesterday eventhough it has been years since we met up. I don't have that type of friend in Boston. . .

Maybe age has a lot to do with it - it was easy to naturally become friends just by seeing each other day in/day out when one is younger (20s) - I'm talking about the non-dating type as in from school and work. Once people get a family of their own, they don't need or have time for making new casual friends. So it'd be interesting to hear other advises for me too.

I wish I could add words of wisdom but I can't .... because I am in the same boat. It could be me .... I am friendly but not the most out going of people, but, I have found since living in MA that it seems most people here seem to have their own group of friends and are not looking to expand.