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It seems some of you are skipping around & not reading everything. Her kids are living with their dad & the reason she can't go back to Asheville is because the place we were renting is gone. It was affordable the cost of living there is high but we were able to live there because of how low our rent was. The cats like the dogs go where ever we go. I can see that someone here doesn't have pets.
Yes, when my mom passes I get it all being the only child. My wife & I did talk to a hospice social worker.
Our mistake not talking to her where my mom wasn't able to hear us. That bit us in the arse & started a huge fight that night. The idea for my wife to move to Nebraska was a mutual one we don't like the idea either but it might be something that does happen. We are both looking for a job that would help both of us get out of the house & less dealing with my mom. Sounds bad I know. She would have less to complain about if we were working by not being here so much. I'm sure this is hard on my mom as well. Having us move in I'm sure it feels like that we are taking over her house some of the time if not all the time.
For those of you who are taking sides this is not what this is about. It was my wife's idea to move here.
We had talked about it for months once we knew that the hospital talked to her about hospice. My wife had NO clue how verbally abusive my mom was. I feel bad that we moved down here now & that my wife is going though this. She didn't ask for this she did this for me & so my mom & I could spend whatever time we have left together.
So let me get this straight, you really have no idea when your mother is going to pass and because a doctor told you quality not quantity, you have decided that she will probably die by Christmas. What happens if she doesn't?
Had your wife never been around your mother to know that she was verbally abusive?
You said you would chose your wife over your mother in a heartbeat but if your posts are accurate, you are not willing to step in a tell your mother her behavior is inappropriate and negotiate a peace between she and your wife. While your mother will never change, surely there is a way for something to be worked out so that you/your wife/mother can have a peaceful existence?
I find it difficult to understand why, knowing that your Mother had been abusive ALL your life, your were apparently unable (or unwilling) to make her understand the true nature of your mother's behavior. You said the decision to move there was your wife's - surely you could have done or said something to make it clear to her what the situation would really be like before taking such a drastic step. I'm incredulous that had your wife truly understood your mother's nature and abusive behavior, she would have initiated the move away from her kids, a low-rent apartment that allowed pets, and into the home of a woman who apparently despises her. I think that you minimized the possible/probable friction, and now the consequences are becoming all too clear. Having your wife move away if CYA, not fixing the problem.
It seems some of you are skipping around & not reading everything. Her kids are living with their dad & the reason she can't go back to Asheville is because the place we were renting is gone. It was affordable the cost of living there is high but we were able to live there because of how low our rent was. The cats like the dogs go where ever we go. I can see that someone here doesn't have pets.
Yes, when my mom passes I get it all being the only child. My wife & I did talk to a hospice social worker.
Our mistake not talking to her where my mom wasn't able to hear us. That bit us in the arse & started a huge fight that night. The idea for my wife to move to Nebraska was a mutual one we don't like the idea either but it might be something that does happen. We are both looking for a job that would help both of us get out of the house & less dealing with my mom. Sounds bad I know. She would have less to complain about if we were working by not being here so much. I'm sure this is hard on my mom as well. Having us move in I'm sure it feels like that we are taking over her house some of the time if not all the time.
For those of you who are taking sides this is not what this is about. It was my wife's idea to move here.
We had talked about it for months once we knew that the hospital talked to her about hospice. My wife had NO clue how verbally abusive my mom was. I feel bad that we moved down here now & that my wife is going though this. She didn't ask for this she did this for me & so my mom & I could spend whatever time we have left together.
It appears that your wife is more attached to her cats than she is to her kids.
I can understand your wanting to be with your mother for whatever time she has left and your wife supporting you in this endeavor. However, I find it puzzling that she left her own kids behind with her ex to do this. It appears she's not mothering her own children so that you can spend time with your mother. This does not make sense.
What happens if your mother doesn't pass away by Christmas? What if she's still hanging in there by Easter, 4th of July, next Thanksgiving?
As neither one of you is working, is your mother supporting the two of you?
What exactly are you hoping to learn via these various C-D threads?
Last edited by GotHereQuickAsICould; 11-10-2015 at 08:22 AM..
Thankfully my parents had some money when my Dad fell ill. So instead of me having to be there 24/7, we have had caregivers. Yes it's money, but my time and own life is important. If all of my parents money ultimately is drained due to my Dad's illness (he's 85, and it's a mental issue so he could live for a while), so be it/ That money was never mine, so my only plan since taking over their finances is to protect their assets long enough to provide for my parents while they are living.
Where you go from here is entirely up to you. Are you willing to let your marriage crumble for this?
It seems some of you are skipping around & not reading everything. Her kids are living with their dad & the reason she can't go back to Asheville is because the place we were renting is gone. It was affordable the cost of living there is high but we were able to live there because of how low our rent was. The cats like the dogs go where ever we go. I can see that someone here doesn't have pets. Yes, when my mom passes I get it all being the only child. My wife & I did talk to a hospice social worker.
Our mistake not talking to her where my mom wasn't able to hear us. That bit us in the arse & started a huge fight that night. The idea for my wife to move to Nebraska was a mutual one we don't like the idea either but it might be something that does happen. We are both looking for a job that would help both of us get out of the house & less dealing with my mom. Sounds bad I know. She would have less to complain about if we were working by not being here so much. I'm sure this is hard on my mom as well. Having us move in I'm sure it feels like that we are taking over her house some of the time if not all the time.
For those of you who are taking sides this is not what this is about. It was my wife's idea to move here. We had talked about it for months once we knew that the hospital talked to her about hospice. My wife had NO clue how verbally abusive my mom was. I feel bad that we moved down here now & that my wife is going though this. She didn't ask for this she did this for me & so my mom & I could spend whatever time we have left together.
Something more is going on here. I bolded the interesting parts.
So, the cats are more important than her kids? The kids I thought maybe were young adults, but that's not the case as they live with the father. So she is OK with leaving minor children, did the dad have custody to begin with, and they weren't living with the two of you anyway?
Is this the reason you came down, sorry to sound harsh. But you said your mother has always been abusive, you get the house when she goes. Because who quits jobs(were you working in NC?) to move to Georgia into a house with a parent who is difficult and abusive. It would be different if it were a close loving relationship but it isn't according to you.
How on earth does your wife not have a clue you mother was the way she was? Come on, you wife never met your mother, even if she hadn't you never COMMUNICATED to your wife "my mother is a difficult, abusive mother".....that makes NO SENSE.
For those of you who are taking sides this is not what this is about. It was my wife's idea to move here.
We had talked about it for months once we knew that the hospital talked to her about hospice. My wife had NO clue how verbally abusive my mom was. I feel bad that we moved down here now & that my wife is going though this. She didn't ask for this she did this for me & so my mom & I could spend whatever time we have left together.
Give me a break. That's exactly what this is all about, and your denial won't change that fact. Your wife is the victim here, not you. I am sure she didn't just come up with moving in with your Mother without your "woe is me" input. You also said you "Knew" what your Mother was like, and Knew she was abusive, but you say your wife had no idea? Why not? How was that left out of the conversation you had for months? Knowing all that, why did you agree to move in with Mom? It was your duty, as her husband, to protect her from what you knew was bad for her. Why didn't you? Now you deflect by saying it was your "Wife's Idea? That's blaming the victim.
This is your Nightmare. Made by you, and no one else. Wear it. You have made it clear that this is all about picking sides. Frankly, I don't even know why your hanging out this "Laundry" here, on CD, unless your looking for sympathy and approval from folks for your major screw up. Sorry if that seems harsh, but my opinion is you deserve it. You may be a "Great Son" but your a "Lousy" Husband.
Thankfully my parents had some money when my Dad fell ill. So instead of me having to be there 24/7, we have had caregivers. Yes it's money, but my time and own life is important. If all of my parents money ultimately is drained due to my Dad's illness (he's 85, and it's a mental issue so he could live for a while), so be it/ That money was never mine, so my only plan since taking over their finances is to protect their assets long enough to provide for my parents while they are living.
Where you go from here is entirely up to you. Are you willing to let your marriage crumble for this?
The part I highlighted is so important. I know that there are families out there that are close and so taking care of their parents is a decision that works well for them. But not every family dynamic is as healthy as that and if this OP's posts are accurate, his situation seems like it would be best for everyone if his mother was moved into assisted living or full time caregivers were hired to take care of her.
Give me a break. That's exactly what this is all about, and your denial won't change that fact. Your wife is the victim here, not you. I am sure she didn't just come up with moving in with your Mother without your "woe is me" input. You also said you "Knew" what your Mother was like, and Knew she was abusive, but you say your wife had no idea? Why not? How was that left out of the conversation you had for months? Knowing all that, why did you agree to move in with Mom? It was your duty, as her husband, to protect her from what you knew was bad for her. Why didn't you? Now you deflect by saying it was your "Wife's Idea? That's blaming the victim.
This is your Nightmare. Made by you, and no one else. Wear it. You have made it clear that this is all about picking sides. Frankly, I don't even know why your hanging out this "Laundry" here, on CD, unless your looking for sympathy and approval from folks for your major screw up. Sorry if that seems harsh, but my opinion is you deserve it. You may be a "Great Son" but your a "Lousy" Husband.
I wouldn't give the wife a pass so quickly. I really think the OP and the wife due to financial difficulties took this on. I'm not saying they're bad people. But this was a way too "kill two birds with one stone", the mother needed help, they needed a place to stay.
No one gives up not one but two jobs to do this. They just don't. One would head down(in this case the husband since it's his mother), take FMLA from work, while the other stayed in NC to work their job. NC to GA is few hours drive, wife could come down on weekends. Not two people picking up and just quitting jobs and moving, unless they're not working or just working low paying jobs and not making it, and so let's go to Georgia, mother needs help, they need a place to stay.
It also makes no sense that the wife didn't know what the mother was like, no sense.
Now the wife is off to Nebraska? Why doesn't she head back to NC and her kids? I don't think she has custody, sounds like they always lived with dad, which is unusual.
I can understand your wanting to be with your mother for whatever time she has left and your wife supporting you in this endeavor. However, I find it puzzling that she left her own kids behind with her ex to do this. It appears she's not mothering her own children so that you can spend time with your mother. This does not make sense.
I think it's all about the money. Clearly the OP and his wife don't have much.
If she thought the OP's mother was not long for this world, it makes sense that they would move in order to be there at the end, get the estate settled and then make a new home somewhere else (as the OP has mentioned). Surely no one would want to put their kids in the OP's mother's home for any length of time if they could be with the other parent.
No one's mentioned the size of the estate but even $100,000 looks like a lot to people who may have been working minimum wage jobs.
Something more is going on here. I bolded the interesting parts.
So, the cats are more important than her kids? The kids I thought maybe were young adults, but that's not the case as they live with the father. So she is OK with leaving minor children, did the dad have custody to begin with, and they weren't living with the two of you anyway?
Is this the reason you came down, sorry to sound harsh. But you said your mother has always been abusive, you get the house when she goes. Because who quits jobs(were you working in NC?) to move to Georgia into a house with a parent who is difficult and abusive. It would be different if it were a close loving relationship but it isn't according to you.
How on earth does your wife not have a clue you mother was the way she was? Come on, you wife never met your mother, even if she hadn't you never COMMUNICATED to your wife "my mother is a difficult, abusive mother".....that makes NO SENSE.
This this this this this.
OP, man up. Make sure your wife knows that SHE is your top priority. Do whatever that takes while making sure your mom has the care she needs lined up.
This means getting a game plan together with Hospice and social services. I don't care if your mother doesn't want to hear it - she is dying and qualifies for hospice care and hospice care is not just for her, it's also for the emotional and logistical needs of the immediate family. You owe it to your wife to avail of ALL available resources.
I personally don't think it's a terrible idea for your wife to leave temporarily. But the thing is, you need to know more specifics about the time line. You have said in other threads that you don't expect your mom to be alive past Christmas. If she truly just has a few more weeks, then I don't think it's out of line for your wife to leave temporarily to give all of you as much peace as possible during your mother's final few weeks.
Here's the deal. Neither you nor your wife are working. Unless you have access to funds from elsewhere, I don't think it's fair or reasonable for your mom to expect you to put both your lives on complete hold. I also don't think it's fair or reasonable for either of you to expect to live without jobs for open ended months on end either. Surely no one expects to do that?
I have to say - I don't know why or how your wife can possibly leave her school age kids that far behind for months or longer. This is an odd piece of an odd puzzle.
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Come on, you wife never met your mother, even if she hadn't you never COMMUNICATED to your wife "my mother is a difficult, abusive mother".....that makes NO SENSE.
