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I am going to disagree with some of the previous posters.
While it may have been ill advised to turn your life upside down for you and yourwife to move in with your mother. If my mother was dying, and only had a fewweeks to live, I would choose her over my husband in a heartbeat. After all, in a few weeks she would be gone forever and I would still have decades to spend with my husband.
Frankly, when my mother was dying my husband did all that he could to support me and to support her. That was 23 years ago. My mother is dead but I am still married to my husband (and I expect to be married for many years in the future).
IMHO, the wife is acting like a spoiled child. A dying woman is acting difficult? Perhaps the wife should have more compassion. After all in a few short weeks she won't have to put up with her MIL ever again.
If the wife leaves to stay with friends I do not think that the husband should desert his dying mother to go chasing after his wife. If that is the end of the marriage than it was meant to be.
Look, we're ALL dying. A few weeks is nothing...people these days can be dying for a decade or longer - these two cases need to be handled in very different ways. And where does the OP ever say this is only for a few weeks?!
The mother has not been attempting to leave peaceably with the family trying to care for her - if she can't make more of an effort then she may need to move out to a nursing home or assisted living. Sorry mom - but if you require too much care or can't fit into the family for an extended period then other arrangements have to be made. Marriages should not break up over caring for a single family member.
The part I highlighted is so important. I know that there are families out there that are close and so taking care of their parents is a decision that works well for them. But not every family dynamic is as healthy as that and if this OP's posts are accurate, his situation seems like it would be best for everyone if his mother was moved into assisted living or full time caregivers were hired to take care of her.
That's how I feel based on what I read in the OP.
I've had discussions over the years with family and friends regarding how people rate the importance of people in their lives. Some people say it's their kids first, some their spouse, some their parents. For me, I come first. I have a theory - look in the mirror and answer this question - Do you know that person you are looking at 100%? I call BS if anyone says yes. I surprise myself every day, thus, if I don't know myself 100% all bets are off. It means I constantly need to work on myself first, because if I'm not at my best how will I be with others? Then, second is my spouse. That's my life partner. That in no way takes away what my parents have done for me. Obviously without them I wouldn't exist. They brought me up, educated me, taught me the best they knew how. But then it was my turn with marriage and kids. And my wife, my best friend - she comes first after me. When parental issues arise (we are both dealing with elderly parent care), choices need to be made. You must read your spouse, for your parents are not theirs. If they are Ok with the arrangements, no issue. But if it becomes an obvious strain, do you walk away from your life partner for your parents who may only be on the earth for a short period of time? Forget money - there's a way. This is why care giving exists. It's a profession for a niche, people with specific needs. The OP has those specific needs.
By the way I am not an inhuman person. This is a complicated decision with many angles. The answer or solution is not easy at all. Choices in life can suck, and this is one of those times. I can only say to the OP that I hope down the road, when you look back at this time in the rear view mirror, that the life around you is where you want it to be and all you see in that mirror is some learning experiences that make you stronger.
Anybody ever figure out why someone would post their "Laundry" in a Public Forum, when there is absolutely no point in it? Why would anyone want to make a "Circus" out of what should be a private family matter. Baffles me, but then again, so do the Kardashians. Equally dysfunctional.
Wrong you didn't read it all....in my SECOND post I mentioned hospice.
(The Social worker from Hospice comes this Wednesday)
Yes, the EX was abusive to some extent to MY wife not to the kids. The kids would let us know if anything was going on, my wife talks to them every night. It was THIER choice to live with them. They are old enough to make their own choice & have been living with her ex for a good while now. It is VERY possible that she might live another year. However if you saw the way her lungs light up with tumors on a x-ray you might think again. Not to mention the tumors in her neck that push her windpipe to the side.
As far as anything else goes most of you are making assumptions about details you know nothing about.
There are so many little detail's that people are missing & I can't explain on here.
I think your wife should look up local jobs in supportive living with developmentally disabled adults. She can get a ton of hours at once, 18+ and be spending the night away from your mom while being paid. Compared to your mom, this is probably a walk in the park
They will hire people, generally, even if they lack experience.
Imho, my guess is being with someone disagnosed as retarded aka developmentally disabled is better than being with your Mom. I cannot think of any other jobs that would get her out of the house for long periods while she gets paid. And I am sure she doesn't want to care for the elderly. I wish you both the best of luck, what a hard position you are both in. Those kinds like your Mother, socipoaths, usually don't die very quickly. It may be a while
Anybody ever figure out why someone would post their "Laundry" in a Public Forum, when there is absolutely no point in it? Why would anyone want to make a "Circus" out of what should be a private family matter. Baffles me...
Sometimes they are looking for sympathy and support.
Sometimes they are bored and looking for attention and/or argument.
Sometimes they are hoping for a solution that had not occurred to them.
Sometimes they are overwhelmed by all that's going and writing it down helps them to focus on key elements.
Hard to say what's going on here.
I'm having a difficult time making sense of why a son determined to help a terminally ill mother, one who is not expected to live more than a few months at most, would not call in hospice right away.
I realize that disagreeable or not, she is still his mother and can understand the OP wanting to spend these last few hours/months with her. But why did the OP's wife leave her job, and her children to live with a disagreeable MIL who doesn't want her there? If the goal was to support her husband and his mother in being together, then why not just let him go? Why impose her unwanted company on a dying woman?
Anybody ever figure out why someone would post their "Laundry" in a Public Forum, when there is absolutely no point in it? Why would anyone want to make a "Circus" out of what should be a private family matter. Baffles me, but then again, so do the Kardashians. Equally dysfunctional.
Ever wonder why a guy comes to a forum designated to Caregiving and support then whines incessantly about the topic at hand
Boris you're a real character
Last edited by OutdoorsyGal; 11-10-2015 at 08:20 PM..
Sounds like the mother has always had a pretty regular mean streak for years. Dont know what happened to the eight other siblings. Seems like mom has been equally hateful to her son also but hes just used to it. Dont know if the woman is to die soon but many people are like duracell batteries and keep on going. He needs to get ahold of social services or whoever and figure out how to get help in there so he can go to his wife. When people are joined in marriage they are to forsake all others and cleave to one another. The cord is cut and the only authority are the couple, not to mommy and dad. Dont know why they are living in with her or what they may have had to give up but it certainly put mom in the drivers seat.
Ever wonder why a guy comes to a forum designated to Caregiving and support then whines incessantly about the topic at hand
Boris you're a real character
Thank you, I try to be real, which is more than I can say for some.
I have been through all this myself, and dealt with it. No one could have been nastier to my wife than my Mother was, so I do know how this can go, and the alternatives one has. I didn't move in with her so she could abuse my wife, and she still got the care she needed.
And who is whining, unless its you because you don't like what I have to say.
I'm having a difficult time making sense of why a son determined to help a terminally ill mother, one who is not expected to live more than a few months at most, would not call in hospice right away.
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You have got to be kidding me!!!
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