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Forums are for DISCUSSION. Hearing differing opinions from others who may have more experience is exactly what forums are for. How unfortunate that having a differing opinion is subject to such ridicule. This forum, as far as I know, is for everyone. Perhaps if everyone could have their say without being jumped on and made to feel like their experience doesn't count, the backs and forths would be more constructive. Forums are NOT all about just one person, doncha know!
And "majority"? That's laughable. You have no way of knowing what the majority thinks. Many are silent, and it's possibly because they think what they say will be marginalized.
KA, what I take away from your posts is the emotional distress you are in. I think the ups and downs of your mother's state affect you greatly. This is to be expected, of course, because you are her daughter. You and she are entwined in many ways.
I hope you recognize the grief that you feel, and the confusion, and the lack of hope for what they are. You will pass through this, but, as you are finding out, passing through this is hard. I sympathize with you in this.
I respect the emotional effort and sheer will you have shown in dealing with your mother. I am hoping for a period of time for you and her to find some peace.
This is my opinion, and you may take it with a grain of salt, but I think you should travel with your mom sooner rather than later, and that your travel with her needs to be on condition that she agrees to take her meds while on the trip.
But I am not sure she is really travel ready. I'll leave that to you to decide..
May you have rest and a at least a few days of peace.
KA, what I take away from your posts is the emotional distress you are in. I think the ups and downs of your mother's state affect you greatly. This is to be expected, of course, because you are her daughter. You and she are entwined in many ways.
I hope you recognize the grief that you feel, and the confusion, and the lack of hope for what they are. You will pass through this, but, as you are finding out, passing through this is hard. I sympathize with you in this.
I respect the emotional effort and sheer will you have shown in dealing with your mother. I am hoping for a period of time for you and her to find some peace.
This is my opinion, and you may take it with a grain of salt, but I think you should travel with your mom sooner rather than later, and that your travel with her needs to be on condition that she agrees to take her meds while on the trip.
But I am not sure she is really travel ready. I'll leave that to you to decide..
May you have rest and a at least a few days of peace.
Thank you so much! Yes, you nailed it - the emotional distress feels like it simmers all the time, just below the surface.
One thing I'm dealing with (again - you'd think I'd know to expect this after the years with my MIL/FIL), is that I can't rest easy. I mean, if I get comfortable, if I get relaxed and happy - BAM - it seems like something crazy just comes flying out of left field. This has really changed my whole mindset, maybe even my whole personality. I've become less hopeful, more cynical and I don't like that a BIT.
I am really, really trying to regain my footing and I do think I'm doing better. My husband and my kids, and my mom, deserve the better me, not the frazzled, grieving, resentful, overwhelmed me.
Hell, I deserve the better me! I like her better!
Anyway, funny you should mention traveling with my mom because I just brought this up with her the other day. You may recall that she and I went to go see my oldest daughter, and her family, and my brother and his family, out of state back in May. I felt like this trip went well, and she hung in there, but I could tell she wasn't completely satisfied with it.
Here's what I think bothered her - I think this was the first big trip she's taken without my dad in forever - like thirty years. And this trip was a bit over her head. She wasn't able to keep up with everything that everyone wanted to do (two young parents, four school aged kids, etc) so what we would do was go and do something with her every morning and then every afternoon she'd take a nap and my daughter and I would go do something - sometimes with the kids but sometimes without them (like I said, they are all in school).
I think her age and physical and mental limitations really hit her on that trip. So I am not sure she had a good time. When we left, on the way home I said, "So - I think that was a great trip! Did you have a good time?" and she said, "Well...it had some good parts and some bad parts," but of course she wouldn't elaborate.
So the other day, I said something about going back up there to see everyone again, and she said, "I don't know. I'll just have to think about it." OK. Well I don't have to think about it, so I'm going. I hope she decides she wants to go too. This would be in the spring because my daughter and the kids are coming down here for Christmas (her husband will be deployed) and my husband and I - without Mom - are going up to see THEM before her husband deploys in October.
See now - there IS improvement in my life, because a few months ago, and certainly over the past few years, I wouldn't have been able to plan a trip out of town due to the constant drama and needs of all our elderly parents. I mean, we DID plan a couple of trips over the past few years, and we did go on a few, but with only one exception, there was some sort of emergency or semi emergency at home. We either cut our trips short, or had to handle things long distance, and then we were upset or worried the rest of the time.
We did get a good week long vacation last fall to Boston and Maine and it was GREAT. No one was in the hospital, everyone was stable...and it's a good thing we went in that small window of opportunity, because two weeks later my dad died and all hell broke loose again in my life.
Wow, that's a very interesting article - thank you!
I wonder though - my mom has only smelled bad in the past 2 years or so. And it's a definitely acidic odor. It's not listed as a side effect of her medication.
Speaking of meds, she's fighting taking them again. I mean hard. She is being very cantankerous and difficult and is also more confused about times and dates. She is perpetually dressed for church, which only happens once a week, and she calls me throughout the week wondering when we are going to church.
I talked with her new doctor who is going to call me later this upcoming week to discuss a re-evaluation. She had her first meeting with him (her new psychiatrist) and I didn't have to say a thing - I'm sure it was obvious to him when he was talking with her that she's mentally ill and also has some dementia. What he wouldn't know since she's a new patient is that she's declined cognitively within the past few weeks.
Very sorry to hear your mother's self destructive tendencies have resurfaced. I know you are trying your best to optimize her quality of life. There is only so much you can do.
Thank you, wasel, and thank you especially for reminding me that these back and forths with a few people "in public" are often not pleasant for the majority of forum members who are following the thread.
I don't "give up" easily and I really hate to be misunderstood or misquoted or whatever, but I should know better than to go down a rabbit hole.
And your take on this whole issue is right on target. I don't know why I can't be more succinct - LOL! I am going to try to do better!
I don't understand why a few people on this thread are giving you such a freakin' hard time. What dog do that have in this hunt? In any case, I understand your posts and am not confused about what you are depicting. It is clear as day to me.
I don't understand why a few people on this thread are giving you such a freakin' hard time. What dog do that have in this hunt? In any case, I understand your posts and am not confused about what you are depicting. It is clear as day to me.
It wasn't made clear until today that you are done trying anything to keep her on meds. That is what I was trying to understand. That is why I asked why not follow through with threats of you not taking her anywhere if she stops. And having someone from the facility remind her or impress it upon her again if the 'reminder' word is going to lead to a speech on how she definitely remembers. I think I understand now. You have given up on that.
So here is my new question: when she gets back to that point, will she really care where she is? She'll be manic and anxious and strung out on sleep deprivation. Seems to me she will care. Manic people do not like to be 'caged in'. They want range of motion. But you know her specifically is why I ask.
It wasn't made clear until today that you are done trying anything to keep her on meds. That is what I was trying to understand. That is why I asked why not follow through with threats of you not taking her anywhere if she stops. And having someone from the facility remind her or impress it upon her again if the 'reminder' word is going to lead to a speech on how she definitely remembers. I think I understand now. You have given up on that.
I'm not done trying anything - that's why I still have the meds administrator going out there. But if she keeps arguing with her, keeps trying her best not to comply with anything, then yeah - I'll quit that too. I'm just saying I'm getting tired of fighting her. At some point I'm going to quit completely and I'm getting closer to it. It's hard to just say "OK, let's quit trying to get her to take her meds," because once I do that, her demise into complete madness is inevitable.
And I've already cut back on "excursions" with her. Not completely but I've cut back on it. Not completely because she HAS been taking her meds regularly until very recently.
This is a fluid situation. Her not taking her meds regularly isn't obvious THAT DAY. It takes a few days or times around her for me to suspect it.
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So here is my new question: when she gets back to that point, will she really care where she is?
I honestly don't know. I hope not, but whether she cares or not really won't matter because she won't be able to stay where she is. She will HAVE to go to memory care whether she likes it or not.
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She'll be manic and anxious and strung out on sleep deprivation. Seems to me she will care. Manic people do not like to be 'caged in'. They want range of motion. But you know her specifically is why I ask.
I agree, but I also think that once she adjusts, she will appreciate not having all the choices and "freedom" she has now. I mean, for instance, her clothes. Right now she has a large closet - and it is complete and total chaos. It is full of clothes she doesn't even know she has. She has shoes she's literally never worn because she can't find them in that chaos. She needs fewer choices but of course when all those clothes are pared down, she is going to initially have a wall eyed conniption fit.
But the reality is that she wears the same few clothes over and over again and has tons of clothes she never even touches.
Also, she's not a "flight risk." She paces, but it's never even outside - and she could go outside in those beautiful gardens and the gorgeous outside areas anytime she wants. Heck, she's paying extra for a patio and I don't think she has even been outside on that patio a single time. She has absolutely zero interest in it but she HAD TO HAVE IT. So yes, I think she will continue to pace but I don't think she will feel particularly caged in. When she was living at home, for instance, she paced in a circle - kitchen, breakfast nook, living room, foyer, dining room, kitchen, breakfast nook, living room, foyer, dining room - all day every day. She would occasionally wander into the bathroom or her bedroom but for most of the day, for hours, she paced in that circle.
When she wasn't doing that, she would stand in front of the mirror in the hall bathroom for literally hours. It used to freak my dad completely out.
So there's no telling. But my hunch is that once she acclimates, the fewer choices will be a mental relief to her.
As it is right now, she can't find anything anyway in her apartment. Hey, remember the KEYBOARD she lost a few months ago? (How can anyone lose a keyboard?) Well, I found it the other day - in one of her drawers. She lost a $700 pair of prescription glasses - and found them in another drawer in her apartment the other day.
She was in the car with me Sunday and was absolutely frantic telling me we HAD TO STOP AND BUY SOME COMBS BECAUSE SHE COULDN'T FIND HER LAST ONE. I said, "Mom, there are combs laying all around your apartment." "No, they're not. I don't have any. I AM COMPLETELY OUT OF COMBS AND I DESPERATELY NEED ONE. KATHRYN, PLEASE,PLEASE - BUY ME SOME COMBS."
I said, "Mom, I promise you - I can find five combs in five minutes in your apartment." "Well, you're mistaken," she said in a huff.
I walked in and found four combs in 30 seconds and just stopped at that point.
So yes, I think she needs fewer choices and once she acclimates she will be fine. I think. Who really knows? That's the $64,000 question that preys on my mind.
Me too, but I am dreading the transition. Hoping to be able to hold it off for awhile, but it's getting harder.
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