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More focus, planning and energy put into getting married than into being married. A little off-topic, but it is a little like the difference between having a baby and being a parent.
I can't accept that the marriage should come before the kids. EDIT: (As a priority I mean...not chronologically.)
Probably because I can't accept that it is OK to be selfish as an adult with the task of raising kids, they are dependent on me, there is no way out, they are an obligation. I had them. I must raise them, and try to raise them right. If they become terrible people or miserable people, it will be my fault.
My mate on the other hand, is a grown adult. I expect him to have the same high standards as myself, the willingness to set aside oneself for the greater good. I subjugate my own needs rather often and expect him to do the same. When he is not willing to do so, I lose respect for him. I feel he's being childish. I am not his mother. As I said...this is a big issue. He needs more than I am interesting in giving him, and whatever needs I've got, I can fulfill far better than he can. He provides little to me, but demands much.
Can't for the life of me understand how I, as an "American woman," am at fault for not appreciating this dynamic. But somehow it seems unfair, and it feels to me that the unfairness is a big part of why marriages aren't working for so many people.
My first marriage came to an end because my first wife put on a long act designed to convince me that she was the right one for me, and I was the right one for her... all while knowing full well that she wasn't right for me and I wasn't right for her. She was THAT INSECURE, unbeknownst to me, due to the fear that she was going to be alone for the rest of her life. She wanted to score me because if she didn't, she'd be alone forever. That's a strong motivator. Once we were married, she revealed who she really was. She thought that I would be forced to learn to love her the way she was, because "good Christian boys don't get divorced".
My first marriage came to an end because my first wife put on a long act designed to convince me that she was the right one for me, and I was the right one for her... all while knowing full well that she wasn't right for me and I wasn't right for her. She was THAT INSECURE, unbeknownst to me, due to the fear that she was going to be alone for the rest of her life. She wanted to score me because if she didn't, she'd be alone forever. That's a strong motivator. Once we were married, she revealed who she really was. She thought that I would be forced to learn to love her the way she was, because "good Christian boys don't get divorced".
I guess I'm not a good Christian boy.
I think you should have seen the signs(clingy, etc.), even with the "act".....
A monogamous relationship, even without marriage, is hell on earth if you are incompatico.....Not that
you need to be BFF, or relive a Harlequin romance, but desperation, or the need to be married, as in "I will never be lonely again, ever", is not the answer...
Proof of this...feeling a million miles away from a person even while you are clinging right next to them.
On the other hand, all people have faults. If you hold out for a faultless, entirely compatible person, it may take a few lifetimes.......that does not mean you have to put up with something awful, however, we can grow to love someone as well..often that is the best way, as the "reality bubble" you mention pops, sometimes without marriage....
There are no perfect marriages....however, there are great friendships....when one of those happens to be between a man and woman, you can have a great marriage..not perfect, but great, because it is based on the friendship that lies behind the marriage, not the act or certificate itself..
Marriages end because divorce is too easy to get and because we have become a nation of spoiled, self-centered, over entitled, whiny narcissists.
That woman you marry at 25 is not going to be the same woman at 45. You must accept that going in.
The foundation of a successful relationship is FRIENDSHIP. You must have your own, individual interests but your primary goals/moral values/political views must be pretty close in order for the relationship to survive. Opposites may attract but they also repel after a few years.
A woman might be hot, fun, spontaneous, full of laughter and cheer in her early 20s but she won't stay that way. When you grow older, you will be more friends and close roommates than lovers. You had better make sure that you enjoy each others company and that you have similar interests.
As long as there is no abuse, cheating, out of control drug use or gambling or criminal action going on, you have an obligation to stick with things. I absolutely oppose the idea that you should walk if you are unhappy. You made a commitment and you must stick to it, otherwise, what is the point of taking vows?
People lack morals these days. The fact that many of the posters on CD see no problem with walking at the first sign that you are not content is troublesome.
When I was a college sophomore my roommate and her boyfriend "had to get married". It was 1966..a different world then. When I asked her if she thought they could have a long lasting marriage her response was "As long as he doesn't change we will be fine." I was only 19 but I remember thinking "Who the hell wants to stay married to somebody with the maturity of a 19 year old." I think it lasted about 6 years if that long.
We all change and you better be mature enough and have a solid enough foundation of friendship and compatibility to work through those changes. You have a much better chance of making it work if each party has had a few romances, lovers, disappointments and heartbreaks and years of being self sufficient before undertaking marriage and that is why I say nobody should get married before age 30 and longer if possible.
In Europe it is very common for a couple to live together and delay marriage until they decide they want to start a family--if then. A good idea I think.
I think people get married way to early without having experienced life on their own. I got married when I was 30. There is no way I would have married before that because I was too immature.
When I was a college sophomore my roommate and her boyfriend "had to get married". It was 1966..a different world then. When I asked her if she thought they could have a long lasting marriage her response was "As long as he doesn't change we will be fine." I was only 19 but I remember thinking "Who the hell wants to stay married to somebody with the maturity of a 19 year old." I think it lasted about 6 years if that long.
We all change and you better be mature enough and have a solid enough foundation of friendship and compatibility to work through those changes. You have a much better chance of making it work if each party has had a few romances, lovers, disappointments and heartbreaks and years of being self sufficient before undertaking marriage and that is why I say nobody should get married before age 30 and longer if possible.
In Europe it is very common for a couple to live together and delay marriage until they decide they want to start a family--if then. A good idea I think.
It's very possible to go through all of that and be younger than 30. There's no right age or perfect circumstance. Things just happen naturally and if it's at 20, 30 or whenever it's all good.
Sure We have changed, but I think that's primarily due to being parents of two young children. Our values haven't, and my husband can still make me smile even on my grumpiest day. We could be 80 years old and still laugh like kids during an episode of family guy.
I disagree tat people should get married to start a family. People should have some years under their belt as a marred couple..being roommates isn't the same .. Before jumping into that rabbit hole known as parenthood.
Not being shamed or otherwise expected to stick with something that is obviously not working.
Heaven forbid that when (not if, but when) things get tough, we do what our grandparents did: honor your vows & make it work.
It's sad how people these days will throw away a marriage as if it were an empty Starbucks cup. Apparently, "for better or for worse" doesn't mean jack $@!# to some people.
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