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There's a difference between the changes that a person can't help, and the changes that a person CAN help. For example, chances are you'll have more gray hair and wrinkles at 45 than you did at 25. It happens, and there is no "fault" involved. You may not have the kind of energy at 45 that you had at 25. It's not like you chose to allow that to happen. But if a woman becomes more of a nag at 45 than she was at 25 - such that things which never bothered her before now bother her a lot - it is reasonable to assume that you've been bamboozled in some way. That's what happened to my dad. Things that bothered my mom were kept silent for years because she also had a self-esteem problem in her 20's... and then as she "grew up", she decided to come out with what had always bothered her. That's the sort of unwelcome change which drives the divorce rate. If people would just be real and transparent no matter what the cost, we would find fewer marriages but far fewer divorces.
Could it be that your mom just got tired of taking your dad's sh*t? Maybe when she was younger, she was more willing to put up with it to have a peaceful and happy marriage, but as she aged she decided it wasn't worth putting up with it anymore. You sound like you're putting the entire blame on your mom. I bet your dad wasn't entirely real and transparent either.
Sure it has! From translation to translation and from publisher to publisher. I've grabbed bibles from the same publisher but printed at different times and the words were not the same! This happens pretty often.
Could it be that your mom just got tired of taking your dad's sh*t? Maybe when she was younger, she was more willing to put up with it to have a peaceful and happy marriage, but as she aged she decided it wasn't worth putting up with it anymore. You sound like you're putting the entire blame on your mom. I bet your dad wasn't entirely real and transparent either.
After dealing with it for 20 years, she probably just got fed up because she had had it up to here! I know plenty of people this has happened to. I love when people say it was all one party's fault....ummmm it takes 2 to make a marriage. They are both at fault! One may be more vocal, but really they are both at fault.
I'm 35, my wife is 38. Honestly, I can say that when I was <30, I was not ready for marriage emotionally or financially. We've been together for 7 years but only married for a few months and we've been through a lot together. I think that has built a strong bond between us.
Personally, I think that youngsters should get out and live life and experience it a little bit before marriage. I don't think that has an age requirement, though.
I always tell my Soldiers to have been in a committed relationship before getting married and be married before having children.
If I had married my wife when I was 20 and she was 23, we would've been divorced shortly after and it would probably have been more my fault than hers. I simply was not ready.
Oh, please. From what New Age Male publication did you lift that stuff from? A marriage, at least for us, is a partnership. Both of us support our family.
And let's get this straight - as a woman, I didn't need a man to make be feel "safe and protected". Neither did I need a man to take care of me. I was my own woman when I married. I owned my own condo, had a nice job, and an established life. My husband had the same. We married and then moved forward in life as husband and wife, partners. We bought our own home and are both raising our children. I never dreamed of getting married. If it happened, whenever it happened, that was great. If it didn't, then that was fine too. But I found that person, in my 20s, and I never looked back once.
You did it for the right reasons....and more power to you..
The fact that you clicked on this post says you are at least curious per the topic of failed marriages.
Those happen because, again, people get into this for the wrong reasons.....
Love blinds, for one. Second, people are not terribly great at picking suitable partners, period. Many have friends that are essentially enemies(hence the "friendemies" term).....much of this is simply human fallibility at making a choice to live for a lifetime cheek and jowl(no pun intended) with the same individual.
Also, culture DOES put a huge amount of pressure on women to get married, even today. It simply is not for everyone. The pressure is far more on women. Indeed, with equalization of incomes, there essentially is very little reason, pragmatically, for most women to get married today, especially if children are not going to be involved in the same, per the independence you mentioned.....
Marriage goes back to ancient fertility rights and tribal customs, per dowries and such, and there are manifestations of the same to this day. In a modern culture, there is far less need, essentially none, except for legal considerations per money issues and taxes.
Again, you did it for the right reasons. You were independent, yet saw you would be happier sharing the same with another person who was as well, and it worked out for you. That is secondary to the marrige, as that was the situation and framework BEFORE you tied the knot...
As I said, you were curious about failed marriages, or you would not have clicked on this post....to sum,
a large number of marriages end in divorce/failure, because there was no firm foundation prior, and these people expected something magical from the ceremony and certificate. That in itself is just cake, dancing, and paperwork. Cinderella's ball. The reality is what comes after. For those millions, approx half of all marriages, which fail, that certificate and bond inherent in the vows as not enough to bolster the same, because there was no firm foundation prior, and fantasy, a harlequin romance version of love, and such, immaturity, and mental issues that came with the territory before the ring breached the same.
To this day, many young women are still looking for Prince Charming, and a ring to vouchsafe his eternal love, particularly those young ladies that are struggling financially, living at home with parents, or barely making it with others, in serial, hook-up "relationships".....those marriages are bound to fail, and typically they are stuck with children after it is over as well, worse off than they were before.
Think of Marriage as the equiv of a business partnership, per a contract, as you would with an actual business. In business, would it make sense to enter the same with an insolvent or desperate partner?
One that is emotionally unstable? Or God forbid, two partners both insolvent and/or emotionally problematic?........
Again, Risale, you entered your marriage for the same GOOD reasons two people would enter into a business partnership..You both were successful and independent, and sounded like you both were mentally and emotionally stable. Your marriage is a success for the same reasons a business contract would be successful with two dynamic partners...
To sum, the prob is when people mistake Marriage itself as an elixar that heals and glosses over all wounds and shortcomings, and in itself will keep something intact and viable. It does not, anymore than a business contract would cover over insolvency or ineptitude....
I NEVER craved it! Never dreamed about having a wedding as a little girl either. Most people are shocked to hear that. I was too busy being a tomboy!
And NO I have NO plans to ever get remarried if my husband and I divorce or he passes away. No way Jose! Once is all I need! I'm good!
I've met a few girls like you. Kudos to you on the social pressure issue. I bet you got a lot of it. Even as a guy I get a ton of social pressure to marry some chic.
Same here. My "dream wedding" was eloping in jeans and a t-shirt, with my signature ponytail and Birkenstocks (with socks!). The Hubs felt obliged to have some sort of wedding, so I compromised with a very small to-do, which is considered quite scandalous on Long Island.
I wouldn't remarry either, if the situation were to arise. I don't think any other man would put up with my quirkiness the way my husband does. And, quite frankly, I'm not one who needs to be in married to be happy. After sharing my space with 4 other people for lo these many years, I would be totally fine with living alone.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ss20ts
I NEVER craved it! Never dreamed about having a wedding as a little girl either. Most people are shocked to hear that. I was too busy being a tomboy!
And NO I have NO plans to ever get remarried if my husband and I divorce or he passes away. No way Jose! Once is all I need! I'm good!
Same here. My "dream wedding" was eloping in jeans and a t-shirt, with my signature ponytail and Birkenstocks (with socks!). The Hubs felt obliged to have some sort of wedding, so I compromised with a very small to-do, which is considered quite scandalous on Long Island.
I wouldn't remarry either, if the situation were to arise. I don't think any other man would put up with my quirkiness the way my husband does. And, quite frankly, I'm not one who needs to be in married to be happy. After sharing my space with 4 other people for lo these many years, I would be totally fine with living alone.
I just want my own bed! And not have to go to a hotel to get one....LOL And I don't want to have to train someone else nor do I want someone else to be stuck learning my weirdo personality.
I've met a few girls like you. Kudos to you on the social pressure issue. I bet you got a lot of it. Even as a guy I get a ton of social pressure to marry some chic.
I look at like if you don't like it, tough luck. It's not about you! People have a hard time thinking everything is about them when in reality practically nothing is about them.
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