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Is that really a bad thing when it's what both parties want? When a life-long commitment is a prerequisite for sex, you end up with an awful lot of people getting married for the wrong reason.
I agree. I'm glad I had my "fun single days" in my 20s. And I can't imagine two virgins getting married. Sex is important, and how would you know if you're sexually compatible? Or what you really like sexually? Find someone where the sex is good, you share the same values and can have a good time shopping at Target... then you've got a relationship likely to last
Despite what some believe, I was mature and established in my 20s. I didn't need a decade to find myself. When I met and married my husband in my 20s, I was already pretty established and had been through enough relationships to know what I wanted out of them. I married my husband at 27 and he had just turned 26. We are still married at 39 and 37 and frankly, we don't see that changing. Marrying your best friend, as overused as that term is, is possible. By the time we met each other, we were ready and willing to embark on a long term relationship that naturally progressed to marriage - no ultimatums, no doubts. Whatever changes happened in our marriage isn't due to our ages, it's due to our circumstances (i.e. transitioning to parenthood). But our core feelings for each other have endured for over eleven, going on twelve years.
It all boils down to when a person is ready and the motivations behind the marriage. "Love" isn't enough. You have to respect the person, enjoy being with them, and have some semblance of commonality (or at least be open to the other's interests). You have to be able to not only take but also give. Most of all, you have to understand that it isn't about just you and your needs any longer. You become a unit. If all of that is too difficult, and you can sense that, then don't marry. Don't marry because of kids. Don't marry because "it's the thing to do". Don't marry because you're in love with a concept, not reality.
People divorce for many reasons and personally I'm all for people deciding to call it quits, even when kids are involved. My parents divorced when I was young and it was amicable. I think that got along better being apart than they would have been if they remained together. I wasn't damaged because they did things the right way and co-parented. So maybe that's why my opinion of marriage isn't that it's this ball and chain that people make it seem. At the same time, I think many people regardless of age need to really have some self-introspection before embarking on marriage.
I don't think it's ok at all. A major part of a relationship is sexual relations. You get rid of that & what do you have? Might as well just be roommates then. No thanks. I think you're kidding yourself if you feel it's acceptable & even normal to not have sex with your partner. That sounds like a justification to me.
Not hard to imagine why. Unequally yoked and incorrect values. People think they can do whatever they want such as sleep around with half the United States. Then when they find that one quality person, they want to marry them. Another thing is that they don't have their values in place even if they are cut from the same cloth. They think once you have kids, they come first and they completely forget about their spouse. This is typically what American women do. Which is so wrong. Your marriage comes first. The kids come second. Whatever you learned in child psychology is a bunch of liberal bs. It's common sense. Your spouse needs attention and affection. If they're not getting it from you, they'll seek it elsewhere. And if children don't see your relationship being intact and filled with love, they're not going to be able to form successful relationships with the opposite sex later on.
Last edited by allenk893; 12-23-2014 at 10:44 AM..
60 is still considered young. Did you happen to read my post that I had earlier, about my 43 year old friend who hasn't had sex with his wife in three years? If that were you, wouldn't you get out of that marriage? Or do you consider that acceptable, no sex with your wife in 3 years?
that age, things and people changes as a result of maturity. Marriages that are the result of two very young people staying together rarely last permanently.
I agreed with everything you said up until this last statement. That is simply false. Most of the 50+ year marriages we have seen are individuals who married very young so that has nothing to do with it. It's all about those values and morals. If you lack it, ya won't be able to hack it. Period.
Marriage is down 50% and failure rate is 50%
Juvi hall and the prisons bulge single mom poverty skyrockets
but ask the feminists about it ????? what problem?
Is it really fair to place the blame squarely on women, though? Often times the couple forgets about each other, especially when one needs to work longer hours to support the family, and the other is worn out from taking care of children all day (and night). I don't believe most women intend for children to completely take over their lives, but it happens all too easily, especially once you have more than one kid. (Despite being a liberal ) I wholeheartedly agree that the marriage needs to come first, but I don't think anyone can really anticipate just how hard that will be, especially when they don't have the support system to pitch in and help with the child care responsibilities so they can nurture their relationship. Been there done that, and came very close to splitting up... but then it dawned on us that one of the kids always needs something, and if we continue to put that first, we would never have the time or energy to prioritize each other.
Quote:
Originally Posted by allenk893
Not hard to imagine why. Unequally yoked and incorrect values. People think they can do whatever they want such as sleep around with half the United States. Then when they find that one quality person, they want to marry them. Another thing is that they don't have their values in place even if they are cut from the same cloth. They think once you have kids, they come first and they completely forget about their spouse. This is typically what American women do. Which is so wrong. Your marriage comes first. The kids come second. Whatever you learned in child psychology is a bunch of liberal bs. It's common sense. Your spouse needs attention and affection. If they're not getting it from you, they'll seek it elsewhere. And if children don't see your relationship being intact and filled with love, they're not going to be able to form successful relationships with the opposite sex later on.
Is it really fair to place the blame squarely on women, though? Often times the couple forgets about each other, especially when one needs to work longer hours to support the family, and the other is worn out from taking care of children all day (and night). I don't believe most women intend for children to completely take over their lives, but it happens all too easily, especially once you have more than one kid. (Despite being a liberal ) I wholeheartedly agree that the marriage needs to come first, but I don't think anyone can really anticipate just how hard that will be, especially when they don't have the support system to pitch in and help with the child care responsibilities so they can nurture their relationship. Been there done that, and came very close to splitting up... but then it dawned on us that one of the kids always needs something, and if we continue to put that first, we would never have the time or energy to prioritize each other.
Yes, I do believe it's true that women put their kids first over their spouse. That's wrong. Your marriage is supposed to be the foundation, the rock. You're not doing yourself any favors if you eschew your spouse in favor of your kids. I see that this has happened to my brother. My sister in law is one of those completely involved parents with their three kids. If I were one of her kids, I would feel suffocated. I see no affection between my brother & her. Whenever she posts on FB, it is ALWAYS about the kids. I have seen her post one picture of her & my brother in all the years that I've been FB friends with her. She talks nonstop about her kids & they're all out of high school! It's not like they're babies. I actually feel bad for my brother, he's a great guy, good looking, he deserves something better in my opinion.
I see it happen a lot too, but it's almost always both spouses at fault and neither one is willing to take responsibility. Heck, I went through it myself: yes, I will admit that my kids' needs came first too much... but my husband will also be the first to admit that he was so wrapped up in work that he pretty much abandoned me with a newborn, a toddler, and a preschooler with autism. The kids came first because they were all I had, and they just needed so damn much.
As odd as it may sound, his coming *this* close to an affair was the best thing that happened to our marriage, because it was like hitting the reset button; he finally saw that he was too busy blaming me to recognize the destruction he was causing. And having him admit to his faults allowed me to be more receptive to where I wasn't meeting his needs, part of which is just the byproduct of me being an introvert and him being an extravert.
We really had to be adults and take stock of what we both needed but weren't getting... and it was surprisingly simple: he needed to get laid more often, and I needed him to take over with the kids so I could have the alone time I need at the end of the day. As long as we're meeting those needs and we make sure the kids respect the hierarchy (we're outnumbered, and I'm convinced they are plotting to take over the house ), everything else pretty much falls into place in our relationship.
Quote:
Originally Posted by thefragile
Yes, I do believe it's true that women put their kids first over their spouse. That's wrong. Your marriage is supposed to be the foundation, the rock. You're not doing yourself any favors if you eschew your spouse in favor of your kids. I see that this has happened to my brother. My sister in law is one of those completely involved parents with their three kids. If I were one of her kids, I would feel suffocated. I see no affection between my brother & her. Whenever she posts on FB, it is ALWAYS about the kids. I have seen her post one picture of her & my brother in all the years that I've been FB friends with her. She talks nonstop about her kids & they're all out of high school! It's not like they're babies. I actually feel bad for my brother, he's a great guy, good looking, he deserves something better in my opinion.
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) I wholeheartedly agree that the marriage needs to come first, but I don't think anyone can really anticipate just how hard that will be, especially when they don't have the support system to pitch in and help with the child care responsibilities so they can nurture their relationship. Been there done that, and came very close to splitting up... but then it dawned on us that one of the kids always needs something, and if we continue to put that first, we would never have the time or energy to prioritize each other. 
), everything else pretty much falls into place in our relationship. 
