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Can you give insight into why he burned her clothes or had the principal publicly shame her in the school?
This is a deliberate distraction from my point.
I was not defending his actions - I was taking issue with the people who are using his "step" status as key to this issue.
And no I can't give insight.
To my knowledge NO ONE can because we don't have facts beyond the video which only tells us his version of "why". We have posters speculating, and to a family that has lost a daughter that seems decidedly unsympathetic.
If any parent is abusive, they should be charged, and his behavior seems to warrant that label but NOT because he is a "step".
Yeah Im still not buying any of what you said. Sorry. When there are 8 suicide notes, and all contradict your theory, Im inclined to believe the notes
They don't contradict my theory at all. Sorry that you chose to ignore the scientific papers I linked to, although I'm not at all surprised.
Quote:
Originally Posted by tlvancouver
I hope the license you refer to is a drivers licence because it's this kind of rampant melodrama that has counselling professions held in such universally low regard.
I posted my "allegations of abuse" in response to the rampant speculation that he was some sort of perverted stepdad who had been sexually abusing her. I don't agree with the hair cutting but absent facts I'm willing to assume it was a dad at his whits end with how to get through to a daughter making very very risky choices. A tragic tragic error in judgment.
I posted one very emotional post as a human being, and a more factual based post underneath it. What we really need, is licences to have/raise children. This would eliminate many suicides and possibly this one.
Only certain types of people hold the counseling and psychological profession in "such low regards." Many of these people are upset that psychology does not justify but rather condemns child abuse. Much like most racists, (fortunately) these people will eventually die off just like those who thought the world was flat.
There are no "facts" that would justify cutting a part of a girl's body off. Being raised on shame and humiliation leads to very angry and /or depressed adults.
Quote:
Originally Posted by allenk893
Some of you folks would love if children weren't disciplined at all. First it was spanking. Now you want to crusade against shaming. What exactly do you think disciplines a child that has no respect for themselves or others? Standing in a corner? Time out? Lol. I swear some American parents are the worst. We don't have these problems in my culture.
What "problems?" Sexting? Sexting is merely the latest drug. It's here to stay. I don't like it anymore than you do but stopping self humiliation with parental humiliation is not an appropriate punishment. (And i wonder, would he have done *this* if she was smoking marijuana?)
If you can't look beyond things such as "time outs," as parenting unwanted behaviors, here are some examples that do NOT constitute abuse: take their phones away, don't let them see their friends outside of school for a week, limit computer time, etc. The "problem" here is that it takes discipline on the parents' part because the kids will complain and parents may "give in" to shut them up.
Every single person I've met who was slapped or "spanked" as a kid said that it was ineffective since it was time limited and over immediately. This is a "way out of parenting" because you dont have to deal w a whining kid for more than an hour at most. Some of these "adult kids" chose to have no relationship at all with their parents now. Keep this in mind if you are still using corporal punishment.
Quote:
Originally Posted by marilyn220
Can you give insight into why he burned her clothes or had the principal publicly shame her in the school?
Of course they can't except that he was "punishing" her and she "deserved" it. Totally ignorant about the relationship between depression, suicide and child abuse despite decades of research that they choose to ignore because it doesn't match their world view.
As I said before, this style/method of parenting was not an isolated incident for this poor girl. (Actually I think I said that I would bet my license on it.)
It's frightening how *most* of the people here defending the dad are "men" (or at least males.) It's almost as frightening how anyone could possibly believe this was merely an "isolated incident" in this home.
Neither of us knows why the man did the hair-cutting, how long he's been with the mother. For all we know, he's been the only father the girl knew and shares discipline with the mother. If you've seen articles with more details about the relationship, fine, I'd like to know what they said.
I can't imagine a situation where cutting off her hair would enter my mind. Where you jumped to conclusions was in saying the man was the primary disciplinarian and in All child/stepfather/biological mother relationships, the mother should be the primary disciplinarian and the man simply 'supportive.'[/quote
Show me where I say this.
I do believe that it is best if the bio parent in the household regardless of gender should be in control of the chids discipline, if the bio parents skills are lacking than it is their job to acquired more effective skills not shirk their responsibility on the stepparent. This stepfather strikes me as a bully however and if the bio mom failed to protect her daughter than I have no sympathy for her.
Post 68.
You and a bunch of others apparently have a strict rule that in Every child/stepparent/biological parent relationship the bio is and should be the primary disciplinarian, with 'support from the step. I suppose you'd carry that further to the bio is and should be the primary financial support, food preparer, helper with homework, driver to social activities, giver of advice, etc.., with the step in the background 'supporting.'
There are no "facts" that would justify cutting a part of a girl's body off.
...
It's frightening how *most* of the people here defending the dad are "men" (or at least males.) It's almost as frightening how anyone could possibly believe this was merely an "isolated incident" in this home.
First of all, you purport to be a psychologist then are deliberately inflammatory and yes, that does go along with my concerns that you "betting your "licence""on facts you've made up.
The dad should not have cut her hair. Period.
That being said, hair is not a "body part" good golly, that's just plain nuts. We all cut our hair etc. - your desire to be dramatic cannot be a good feature if you are indeed a psychologist.
I am a female, bio mom who is defending the fact that stepfathers are dads. I am also defending the fact that there is no need to make things up (like the fact this was not an "isolated incident") when we have no FACTS. It may be a pattern, it may be isolated.
You and a bunch of others apparently have a strict rule that in Every child/stepparent/biological parent relationship the bio is and should be the primary disciplinarian, with 'support from the step. I suppose you'd carry that further to the bio is and should be the primary financial support, food preparer, helper with homework, driver to social activities, giver of advice, etc.., with the step in the background 'supporting.'
I think it is best generally that's my opinion but I didn't use the word every.
I don't have a negative view of stepparents however I have always raised my own I'm married to my kids bio mom that is my situation. It has been my #1 priortity that I raise them support them and be the only father, but like I said that isn't for everyone.
I do respect a good man that steps up and does the things you highlight in your post I also don't get a good vibe about this guy looking at the available facts and I trust my instincts.
Can you give insight into why he burned her clothes or had the principal publicly shame her in the school?
He had the school principal publicly shame her ? I've read that she sent the video to friends who posted it online and the school took it upon itself to question her. The stepfather had zero to do with the public release of the video, from what I've seen.
I didn't know he burned her clothes. If he and mom thought the clothes were inappropriate for the girl's age or values they wish her to adopt, nothing wrong if they donated or sold them.
No matter what she did, it didnt need to be posted on youtube to humiliate her. Wow, what a dad. All the things he did sounds like beyond reasonable punishment, quite sad home life.
I think most people's inner turmoil and experiences are something that you just catch a glimpse of in their final moments.
Like you saw 0.01% of the last 48 hours of their life; the tip of the iceberg that sticks out of the water, but the mass remains submerged in the dark swirling waters below.
We used to sing this song in school everytime there was a suicide, but our macabre cynicism was how we dealt with it:
I was not defending his actions - I was taking issue with the people who are using his "step" status as key to this issue.
And no I can't give insight.
To my knowledge NO ONE can because we don't have facts beyond the video which only tells us his version of "why". We have posters speculating, and to a family that has lost a daughter that seems decidedly unsympathetic.
There are excellent step-parents out there who treat their stepkids well, but we're not talking about them, we're discussing the bastard in the article.
If I dealt with a man who had children, I would never discipline them. Why? That's what their FATHER is for. All I would demand is "respect", because I would treat them with such. I'm not their bio parent. They have a mother, father, grandparents, aunts and uncles, etc., that can do the "discipline" thing with them. I'm coming in late after the fact. I know if I was a kid or teen I wouldn't stand for some non-blood nobody doing what this jerk did, but then again, MY mother never would have let it get that far (and we won't even say what my father would have done if he found out).
I most certainly wouldn't beat them for sexting or sending sexually provocative photos to anyone. The thought of cutting their hair, burning their clothes is something I would never stand for, even if my husband would try that mess with his kids. It's ABUSE!
If someone did what this maniac did to either you or I, we would be on the phone with the POLICE pressing charges or asking them to send a coroner's van to come retrieve the body.
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