Question About Making Friendships In Denver.. Strange Encounters (transplants, cliquey)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I have lived in a few places, but Colorado has been strange and hard for me to grasp about social interactions with people. So, I have met quite a few native Coloradoans and they seem quite friendly. However, you meet somebody from Colorado and they are friendly, you get into long conversation and they act almost like you were good buddies for a long time. Several people asked for my phone and they gave me theirs and tell me how much they want to go hang out or be interested to do some activities. I was pretty flattered and happy, especially coming from the Northwest where it is rare for somebody you would meet in a public space to be so bold to actually want to possibly form a friendship with you. However, the phenomenon I am experiencing here is strange to say the least.
So, I have gotten over 10 phone numbers from various guys (all potential platonic straight friendships) I meet at various places. I am new here and dreadfully lonely and find it very hard to meet any people. However, none of these people call me back; so, of course, I take the initiative. When I attempt to call or text these people, they almost act offended that I dared bother them or just act as if we never even met before. One guy said he really wanted me to come to his house, meet his wife and he desperately wanted friends. Kind of weird for someone I just met to say that. Literally, every single person I have attempted to connect with has flaked or blew me off when I tried to proceed with meeting up again.
I want to be glad I am in a place where you can actually make conversations with people, but actually I rather deal with cold and unfriendly people like in Seattle than people who pretend to be friendly , give you their number as some kind of weird social formality. I am mean, if you don't want to actually be friends don't give me your freakin number, tell me you want to hang out and lead me on. Sheesh, this is even worse than trying to get a date with a very beautiful girl! Male bonding shouldn't be this confusing. At least in Seattle and especially in Portland, if someone is being friendly to me, says they want to hang out and gives me their number they actually mean it. Getting a number from somebody in Seattle is rare, but you know its genuine. Here it is like a common thing, but then they are dumbfounded you actually thought they were serious. Is this some kind of weird Colorado formality to pretend to want to be friends with people?
As far as making friendships, I understand working long hours from home will put me at a disadvantage, but at least in other places I lived there was some type of activities or events that could potentially put you in scenarios where you could make friends. I regret that I am overcoming injuries and working so many hours, so playing soccer, football or hiking rigorous trails is just not an option now. I was hoping in a city of 3 million there could be some kind of environment with urban activities that don't revolve around getting drunk in a bar or drive hours into the mountains. Being that I am working 70-80 hrs/week, making long commitments like volunteer work also is just not an option now and I have also found that is not an easy way to make friends unless you really believe in what you are doing, as volunteer work can literally just be a second "unpaid" job in many cases.
The Meetup group scene here just seems to be hiking, LGBT, women's groups or business-related or groups that look legit but are deceptively money making ventures for meetup organizers. Never lived in a city where meetup groups charge $30 for the luxury for meeting up in a bar. Meetups like that in Seattle and Portland were almost always free. Here they are some type of special "mixer" event and you pay $30 to do the same exact thing. Meetup in a bar, drink and meet strangers.
I find it really hard to meet people. I also notice people tend to not say hello and turn their face. I guess that is just common these days in 2019.. People seem friendly though in professional settings and polite. I find the customer service in Colorado is much better than in the Northwest , where many employees act like they are superior to you and doing you a favor by letting you shop there. At least in Colorado, I find that you get treated better in stores and such. I can respect that.
The friendliest people I have met here seem to be Midwestern and Southern transplants. I don't know what it is, but Texans I meet seem to be most genuine and friendly people. I have yet to get a phone number from one, probably because they know we are not at any level of friendship, so why lead me on if you have no plans of wanting to really hang out? I find Midwestern and Southern people to be more genuine. I notice all these weird encounters have been from Colorado natives and still trying to figure it all out.
Last edited by RotseCherut; 01-03-2019 at 08:11 PM..
Yeah man, no offense to natives but they are just like that plain and simple! It's frustrating!
I've had some native friends here and there but they mostly tend to drift off. My good native friends are coworkers actually. But it took some time to get there.
Enjoy the small talk. Keep expectations low!
I find that the people that i befriend the most are east coasters. Its no coincidence! It's just that we communicate the same way (midwesterners are very put off by it sometimes)
Or colfax: for some reason, all my best relationships are formed on colfax lol.
It's also mid-winter. Let spring hit and things might change. Or rock climb! Then its only a 30 min drive to the mtns. Rock gyms used to be my stomping ground when i was lonely in the winter. Everyone in colorado climbs. Bond over movement.
I have lived in a few places, but Colorado has been strange and hard for me to grasp about social interactions with people.
Just a few observations for me from my personal experience.
-People are either completely settled in their social situation, or they jump around, most often to whatever they decide is the next big thing. Very much reason, season, or lifetime IME, the first two more often than the other.
-I really don't want to make generalizations about natives and transplants, but I have had successes and failures with both; I will admit that I don't feel like I speak "CO native etiquette"; I feel that some of them think I'm a hoot, and others think I'm a weirdo from somewhere else. Transplants are more apt to be looking outward to make connections, but you run more of the fly by night risk there, so uh...proceed with caution, and don't buy too far into anything or anybody (this may be a state of current society anyway).
-I have met several of my current friends via Meetup or playing sports. Going out in the normal world doesn't really work for me (married w/children; and I'm not good at socializing while holding my Dad card AT ALL). Shared interest works, and that can branch out into other things. I don't drink hardly at all, I'm not a beer/wine aficionado in the slightest, and really can't stand the social element of the yuppier half of bars overall. Ironically, I seem to hit it off with guys ~ 20 years older than me, or guys 7-12 years younger than me (I'm 35, and have almost no friends my own age). So perhaps casting a wider net would be in your favor.
-I feel like customer service here absolutely sucks on the whole.
-My friends tend to be from CA, CO, FL, IL, NY, TX. LOL, big states.
Just don't put pressure on yourself or on other people. Find consistent time for socialization, and take up activities that interest you aside from the social aspect. And don't hermit yourself, or all of these feelings will get worse.
OP, I think you are "overthinking" this. And BTW, why would people want to hang out with you if you "are mean"?
Just relax; stop forcing things. Be friendly and courteous, regardless of how you think others are treating you.
I am a Texan, moved this year and living in the western slope, and I know very, very few people so far. However, I have enjoyed the social contacts I have had, with grocery store personnel, post office, chatting with people I meet while hiking, etc. (I recognize hiking is out for you.)
Focus on what you can control; let the rest rush on by okay? Getting stressed out over this compounds the problem. Try to find some meetings. I am going to a emerging issues discussion group at the library next week. I have a genuine interest in the topic, and no idea whether I will make friendships that will last. But my focus is to contribute and see what happens.
OP, I think you are "overthinking" this. And BTW, why would people want to hang out with you if you "are mean"?
Just relax; stop forcing things. Be friendly and courteous, regardless of how you think others are treating you.
I am a Texan, moved this year and living in the western slope, and I know very, very few people so far. However, I have enjoyed the social contacts I have had, with grocery store personnel, post office, chatting with people I meet while hiking, etc. (I recognize hiking is out for you.)
Focus on what you can control; let the rest rush on by okay? Getting stressed out over this compounds the problem. Try to find some meetings. I am going to a emerging issues discussion group at the library next week. I have a genuine interest in the topic, and no idea whether I will make friendships that will last. But my focus is to contribute and see what happens.
That right there makes you sound like someone worth talking with. Have fun and keep your healthy outlook! It attracts other happy people.
It is interesting. I think Americans often have a tendency to underestimate how regionally distinct our cultures can be because we speak the same language.
I honestly don’t want to seem like I’m bashing a place that’s welcomed me, but I find most native Coloradans around my age to be somewhat aloof and cliquey, like the recent popularity on the national stage has gotten a bit to their heads. They list it on dating profiles and put “no vacancy” stickers on their car yet have pretty basic hobbies that you can do anywhere. I get told that I’m one of the “good ones” that they want moving here every so often. It’s just funny considering that I grew up on the high plains of west Texas, which is more like here than the rest of Texas, and Colorado’s growth seems tame compared to most of the Sunbelt.
That said, according to Census data, Colorado’s growth disproportionately comes from far away because it’s already far from everything, so “Colorado culture”, especially in Denver, is much harder to generalize.
A couple social quirks I’ve noticed:
1) People here start parties early, then most guests actually show up on time. I had to tell one of my new Californian friends that we didn’t have time to stop by another friend’s event because dinner was going to be ready at 7:30.
2) Punctuality and earlier “internal clocks” in general. I attribute this to the disproportionate amount of people trying to maximize sunlight to do outdoorsy stuff.
I highly endorse the climbing gym suggestion. It’s very easy to hit it off with people because you can be climbing a route at the same time or near someone else’s route, and it’s very easy to hit it off by helping them figure out the sequence of moves. If both you and that person have overlapping schedules, it’s easy to keep it going organically rather than jumping straight to texting and hanging out 1v1.
Also, there’s no reason to work 70-80 hours a week here, and it’s likely the most significant factor in preventing friendships over any cultural differences. The economy is hot enough that you should be able to find a place that’ll treat you like a human. I quit my job over that kind of environment.
I think it can be hard to meet people to form lasting friendships when you're an adult in general. The best ways to do it almost always seem to be through getting involved with others in something you like doing - whether that be a sport, gaming, book study, church, hobby, volunteering, etc. It does take a bit of time, usually.
Not an expert in male to male friendship dynamics, but I can't help wondering if it would be easier to focus on finding a girlfriend and then socializing more as a couple. At least from observation, it seems like the women are more likely to drive the social life and the men form friendships out of proximity. Shared interests too, but it seems like the women are the ones who get the actual activities going.
But also agree that working 70-80 hours a week puts you outside the norm, and it's hard to see where there is much room for socializing in there anyway.
fwiw, there are meet ups for board games and similar activities, if those are in your line. Where are you meeting the people you are referring to, even if things haven't worked out? Are they activities or events that you can keep attending and build a little more familiarity before you reach out to connect outside of that activity?
When you texted (don't call, that's weird) what did you invite these people to do? Inviting people to your place or making a general invite seems odd to me. I think if you met someone at a brewery for instance a safe bet is to invite them to have a beer at that same place.
One thing about Coloradans I've noticed is that we tend to have our places, usually a certain brewery, or gym, or other social meeting place that we frequent regularly. We tend to be more committed to our one or two local spots than the new arrivals who often want to go everywhere and try everything. In my experience if you pick a bar that does trivia every week, for example, and you go every week you will end up with a circle of friends at that bar. Or if you are one of those healthy types sign up for and commit to a class at the gym.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
