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I spent 43 years there. You think I never tried to engage people or find commonality during that time?
We have lived here less than 25 years and have large circles of friends. Some were made from bicycling, some from wine clubs, some were neighbors. We find it easy. We strike up conversations over our dogs, hiking or even while waiting for a table in a restaurant. I can’t recall a time feeling anyone was cold or unfriendly.
We have lived here less than 25 years and have large circles of friends. Some were made from bicycling, some from wine clubs, some were neighbors. We find it easy. We strike up conversations over our dogs, hiking or even while waiting for a table in a restaurant. I can’t recall a time feeling anyone was cold or unfriendly.
Well...good for you. There were some nice people in Denver, but I often got one-word answers or people looking at me like I was a child molester when I tried to start a conversation. Between that and people's filled-up schedules, I found it hard to make connections. I've heard the same thing from too many other people to think it was just me. My experience in Indianapolis has been completely different. I knew more people in Indy before I moved here than I did in Englewood, where I lived for 20 years.
My daughter moved to CO in 2016 for college. We are from Dallas. She is consistently calling me and telling me woes of how "everyone here is a giant flake. They cannot seem to make plans at all, or when they do, they flake out. It is like trying to nail jello to the wall"
Many times she has changed her work schedule or other activities to accommodate plans with friends who end up flaking on her. She becomes frustrated and angry, then slides into depression, blaming herself.
I sent her the link to this right away, telling her it is not her fault!
Thanks you guys- you do not know how much you have helped her put things into perspective.
I think of friendship (and dating as well), as to what you can provide the other person. And I don't mean this to sounds superficial, like a ski cabin, access to a club, a pool, etc. But in general, being an interesting person, and offering joy/entertainment to someone else.
There are A LOT of things to do in Denver and the surrounding area. A lot. Like, I would say more than most cities around the country. Because of this, I think many people just don't get the same kind of joy from having casual interactions like you would in other cities where your options are basically just dinner parties, coffee, bar, walking in the park, going out to eat. A lot of people here are into skiing, climbing, camping, hiking, running, and on, and on, and on. When you are involved in that kind of constant activity, meeting someone you don't know, who might not have any interest in what you take part in, just doesn't seem appealing.
For me, I don't really spend a lot of time just hanging out in Denver. And the friends I make, are those who join me, or I join them, in certain activities. I've met a lot of people in and around Denver. But if they don't participate in a mutual sport, I have no reason to reach out. Or if I invite someone to a random activity, like "Hey"! "Do you want to do something dumb and run North Table in the snow by headlamp tonight"?...if they don't want to join, I'll just end up going with those who want to go, and I'll probably forget to reach out again in the future.
I know this is making me sounds like a total dick...But I think it's just the nature of this place. Simply put, find activities that interest you, and cling onto the others who do that same thing. Find when they go, where they go, and start going at the same time.
My daughter moved to CO in 2016 for college. We are from Dallas. She is consistently calling me and telling me woes of how "everyone here is a giant flake. They cannot seem to make plans at all, or when they do, they flake out. It is like trying to nail jello to the wall"
Many times she has changed her work schedule or other activities to accommodate plans with friends who end up flaking on her. She becomes frustrated and angry, then slides into depression, blaming herself.
I sent her the link to this right away, telling her it is not her fault!
Thanks you guys- you do not know how much you have helped her put things into perspective.
Things must have changed a lot since the late 1980s, when I moved to Denver not knowing anyone or having a job. I can only think of a single flake-out incident like what your daughter complained about. It involved someone who was already a coworker and friend of my husband, and she obviously flaked out due to her perceived inability to do the activity. She seemed to be very insecure, and it was a thread in other aspects of her life. Nothing for the inviters (us) to get angry or depressed about. She had the decency to cancel beforehand, though. If someone just did not show up for an agreed thing, I would be angry.
Well...good for you. There were some nice people in Denver, but I often got one-word answers or people looking at me like I was a child molester when I tried to start a conversation. Between that and people's filled-up schedules, I found it hard to make connections. I've heard the same thing from too many other people to think it was just me. My experience in Indianapolis has been completely different. I knew more people in Indy before I moved here than I did in Englewood, where I lived for 20 years.
I guess I should have looked closer at your profile. Now I understand completely. You moved from here ... to Indy.
My daughter moved to CO in 2016 for college. We are from Dallas. She is consistently calling me and telling me woes of how "everyone here is a giant flake. They cannot seem to make plans at all, or when they do, they flake out. It is like trying to nail jello to the wall"
Many times she has changed her work schedule or other activities to accommodate plans with friends who end up flaking on her. She becomes frustrated and angry, then slides into depression, blaming herself.
I sent her the link to this right away, telling her it is not her fault!
Thanks you guys- you do not know how much you have helped her put things into perspective.
My ex-jerk hosted Thanksgiving dinner one year and invited some coworkers. Every one of them flaked. Every. One. If I hadn't invited him over, he'd have spent Thanksgiving alone.
Again, I knew some terrific people in Denver. But I can't tell you how many times others would no-show, not call, cancel at the last minute, eat and run, not return hospitality...anybody reliable was a gem.
I'm going to give you some recent examples of my social life, and I'm probably the most socially awkward dude in this thread:
-This guy I met a month ago playing poker, we'll call him Larry; we had a nice long discussion earlier this week after we played. He implored me to play in a major tournament this weekend, so I did, even though we played in it on separate days. We kept each other abreast of our status in the tournament, and offered each other support. Larry is from Europe, and has been in Denver for 5 weeks, and is roughly 5 years younger than me.
-After I was done with the tournament yesterday, I texted my friend Mike, and asked him if he wanted to go play in a specific poker game he had brought me to before. He all but immediately said yes, and we went and played for three hours, and went and had a beer at a bar afterwards (said bar was filled with young women BTW). Mike is from Chicago, I've known him for about 1.5 years, he has been in Denver for at least 20 years, and is about 20 years older than me.
-One of my better current friends blew me off yesterday when I texted him. We'll call him Brian. I've known him about 1.5 years, he's 8 years younger than me, he's from Tampa, and he has been in Denver about 2 years. Brian also works for me, and we see and talk to each other all week anyway, so I'm not trippin.
-Another friend (we'll call him Harry) asked me to go hit some baseballs with him on Friday. We couldn't get our schedules matched up, so it never happened. We did shoot the breeze via text on Friday, he is one of my better friends, but we've only been talking about once a week lately. He's about 7 years younger than me, I've known him about 1.5 years, and he has lived in Denver his whole life.
-A week ago on a Friday night, this guy Sam that I haven't seen since 2016 texted me and asked me what I was doing that night. I told him that I was working, and to hit me up when he knew which bar he wanted to go to, and I would show up when I was done. I never heard from him again that night. He does this about twice a year, and we've yet to meet up for various reasons. He's a few years older than me, I've known him for 3 years, and he's lived here in Denver since he was very young.
-I have another friend named Lenny. He texts me about every two weeks on average about random stuff, and we chit chat each time he does. Him and I were very close in 2016 (he even stayed with me for a bit), but he was pretty toxic to my life overall so I've made some space. I'll run into him frequently during my summer activities, and I never make an effort to see him, and for me that is fine/more than enough. I've known him for 3 years, he's about 7 years younger than me, and he has lived here in Denver for his whole life.
Notice no female friends. My wife of 13.5 years has never really allowed that (though we are separated for the moment for not exactly marital reasons), and I wouldn't know where to begin to find any anyway (I do have a few lesbian friends my age/older that I don't hang out with often); platonic or otherwise. I too find females pretty cold here overall compared to other places.....I would say less open/friendly in general (taken as a whole). When I travel, I don't find that to necessarily to be the case elsewhere.
I don't know Rotse, it took me close to 11 years of living here to feel "connected". I have never felt more connected here than I have the last 6 months or so....it's about to the point where I have no dream of leaving here anymore. It took a ton of effort on my part, and it was an effort that I made after spending the entirety of 2017 as quite depressed. All I really did was put a renewed focus on my hobbies, and made a concerted effort to make them a priority. It's taken some time, but what has occurred for me has happened pretty organically.
I will also note that I pretty much stay out of bars a) because I don't really drink anyway, and b) not sure what exactly I'd be looking for there. 8-10 years ago, I played poker in bars, and I made many friends out of that, many of whom I am friends with to this day. So if there is a bar activity you enjoy (aside from knocking a few back) that might be a suggestion no matter where you land.
David, it really does my heart good to hear you have some solid friendships with people. I would tell you to cherish that, even if those friends get on your nerves time to time. Once you get to our ages (I think you are close to mine), it does get harder to make good "real" friendships anywhere you go. I'm sorry to hear you and your wife are separated right now and I don't quite understand the situation, but glad to hear it is not marriage related. Sometimes a little space is healthy in a relationship. Sounds like your wife is keeps tight grip on you not allowing you to have any female friends.. Well, I guess I can understand.. Spouses can get jealous. Glad she is accepting of your lesbian friends though
As far as the females in Denver, I just don't get them. There are not very many who are single.. They just have these cold and bland personalities. It is hard to have a conversation with them and many of them treat you like a criminal and make you prove yourself to be innocent. The only girls I have had any friendly encounters with here are girls from other places. Since I am leaving Denver it is a non-issue. But I would probably have to travel to another city to find a ladyfriend here. I am shocked at the number of guys I meet in Denver who are involved in long-distance relationships and ended up importing a wife from another area. I just met another Denver native last weekend. We hit it off and of course exchanged numbers .. Don't worry, I am not calling/texting this guy and not going to waste my time trying to be friends. However, what struck me was he married a girl from Florida. She was really cool girl and we also hit it off and all kind of made "bar friends" with each other. It's funny how this guy who grew up in Colorado ends up getting in a relationship with a girl in FLorida and then brings her over here for marriage. I met another guy who is in a relationship with a girl who lives in Memphis , TN and he says he travels for his job so spends time with her once a month. What the heck?? With so many women in Menver, why travel so far to be in love? These are also good looking guys, so don't think they are just too ugly to attract a woman. I've also met more men here who travel to places like the Phillipines, Central and South America for sex tourism than anywhere else I lived. That was another shocker for me.
I would have never thought of considering Seattle women to be friendly. Many are cold as ice and mean .. But, I will say, on average, even women in Seattle are friendlier and have more interesting personalities than Denver. I never thought I would hear myself saying anything positive of women in Seattle. That says a lot. Women in Denver are better looking though than the women in Seattle, I will give them that.
I was also an avid hiker growing up; I have climbed a few peaks in Oregon and Washington and hiked a lot of the Cascades and Siskiyous. I'm not in that great of shape now, but eager to get back into it. After my nerve injury I kind of stop working out and hiking. But, I am trying to get back into gear. However, I find the high altitude here and the long distances you have to drive to get away from the crowds makes hiking in Colorado a lot tougher. The sun is brutal and hiking for long hours at 9000 to 12,000 ft is not so pleasant in 90F sun. Hiking would not be a summer activity for me here, that's for sure. Even in Seattle, I could find some very remote places if I drive out over an hour and a half. If it was raining (which it does 9 months of the year) the trails are pretty much all your own. I love hiking, but I will not have any time to do hiking until a year or so when I get my studying/training out of the way and can lower my work hours to 50 hours /week instead of the 70-80 I am doing now.
Still, I don't find the terrain here quite so appealing and it seems the most scenic parts of the Colorado Rocky mountains are very far away like Aspen, Leadville, Telluride, Durango ,etc.. Also, the dreadful traffic I hear about sucks and I heard its not uncommon for there not to be any parking on the trailheads here. The fact that hiking trips here are weekend expeditions , rather than something I could do during the day makes it unfeasible for me. In Portland and Seattle there was literally amazing hiking trails right there in the city.. The scenery in Denver may be beautiful for some, but I find the brownness, sickly looking trees and lack of vegetation to be very depressing, so if I am going to hike and enjoy nature it would probably be long trip from the city to get what I had in the Northwest.
It sounds like you have some hobbies that keep you involved and making friends. That is great. Denver is definitely a "hobby town" and if you don't have one nobody will give you the time of day. I find friendships based on activities though to be pretty shallow and those friendships tend to just stay at the hobby level. Trust me, if I had some free time in my life I'd love to engage in hobbies. In fact, I love playing poker and my grandfather was a very skilled poker player and won $10,000s playing poker. I use to play a lot of poker with him. Poker is one of my favorite games and I would really like to get involved in a poker group, but my finances are a bit strapped and I don't have a lot of money to play with. A lot of poker groups I have seen in Denver have very high stakes and I just want a very low stake game. I would have played more poker when I lived in Washington, but the poker rooms were in casinos and so filled with tobacco smoke I would have died.
Since I am leaving Denver this Summer and working 70hrs+/week it would be tough to get involved in such a card playing group now. However, I would like to learn more about it. I haven't played in a while, so would need to find beginners groups.
Quote:
Originally Posted by TCHP
IRCC, some of your other posts you state you are a firearms enthusiast. Have you tried going to any ranges or joining a shooting club? These don't require the overt physical level of activity you can't engage in currently, yet would give you a great opportunity to met other people who have a shared recreational activity other than comparing IPAs and porters. I dare say you may even find people who may return your phone calls because you have a common bond.
TCHP, that is an option, but the gun range I joined is far up in the mountains and usually is empty. To be honest, I enjoy shooting alone and crowded shooting ranges are usually not fun to shoot at and tend to have more issues. As well, a lot of guys who go to shooting ranges around here tend to just want to keep to themselves. I don't have the time and money to do competitions, where you can meet some people. I also don't have a lot of time and money right now to do a lot of shooting. Shooting is quite an expensive hobby. However, after the next couple years I am hoping to get to the range every week and get back into shooting and hope I could meet some friends there. I am on some gun forums and have made a couple friends there. A lot of guys at shooting ranges are also older than me, although now I am in my 40s, I am getting a bit closer I usually feel like the old guy in the room at 40, but I was the youngest guy at my gun range orientation; a lot of the guys there were retired, former military and married. I do miss the Tri-County gun club I use to be a member of in Portland, Oregon. That was a friendly gun range and I met lots of people there. It was one of the more social gun ranges , but it was always really crowded and the range officers were real pricks. If I actually wanted to get some serious shooting done I would go during weekday during working hours.
Last edited by RotseCherut; 02-13-2019 at 12:54 AM..
After reading many of RotseCherut’s posts about places he has lived, one overwhelming commonality has emerged:
“No matter where you go, there you are.”
+1.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chloe333
I think you are barking up the wrong tree with how you are trying to make friendships and hoping something comes out of it. These interactions you describe are just one time, random conversations with random people of whom you will likely never see again. The friendship studies show that you would likely need to place yourself in situations in which you would repeatedly meet up with the same people over and over in order for the possibility of friendship to develop and blossom.
This.
Quote:
Originally Posted by RotseCherut
I've also met more men here who travel to places like the Philippines, Central and South America for sex tourism than anywhere else I lived.
Charlotte & Denver are "easy setting" for getting a date.
I think I took for granted giving you good dating city options when I didn't even know if you could. Maybe you should just go to SE Asia to live like a rockstar for a bit or...strikeout and not have to pine over women at all anymore? At least that way you'd know if it was the crap place you came from or if it's you.
I'd skip TN completely now. Southern social life is difficult to navigate. Sure people will be friendly, but that's it. You'll just be on here in the fall talking about how you don't get southerners & how they are weird or whatever.
Being 40-something and wanting to age-gap date in the states is already a strike against you.
What are you bringing to the table that is making up for it?
You keep talking about wanting to get in shape, but so far that's all it seems to be.
You seem to feel the need to live in a nice area, but then lowball the price. No wonder you end up with bad neighbors & think no city is affordable. At the somewhat nice end most things are run by corporations that more or less price the same no matter where you are.
Speaking of money you're working all these hours at a decent job, but never seem to have any money. What in the world are you spending it all on? Surely you can't be drinking, shooting, and smoking all of it away.
Anyway, I'd just worry about getting your own personal stuff sorted before looking for someplace you want to be. Make a list & tackle whatever you feel you can most handle first.
As I see it you need to get sorted:
Money
Fitness
Business
Women & Dating
Making Friends
Work-life balance
Pain management vs. smoking too much.
How much you want your religion to be in your life.
That's a lot.
For now:
Pick three.
Get one sorted.
Replace it with the next.
Repeat.
Above all else figure out how to compromise or live with your choices.
Your place should enhance your life, not define it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by RotseCherut
The worst Anti-Semitic event to happen in the USA, happened in Pittsburgh, PA at the Tree of Life synagogue. This is a city that I am sure many would consider liberal and progressive. Despite the rumors of Anti-Semitism in the South, it seems that almost all of the worst Anti-Semitic incidents have occurred in Northern cities.
Why are you talking about Pittsburgh if you don't know anything about it?
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These are also good looking guys, so don't think they are just too ugly to attract a woman. I've also met more men here who travel to places like the Phillipines, Central and South America for sex tourism than anywhere else I lived. That was another shocker for me. 
