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I would ask her not to bring the dog to MY house because of the baby. If she doesnt like it....too bad. I love dogs and spoil my own two dogs....but I would never inflict them on someone who doesnt appreciate them. She is wrong. You are right to protect your baby from all harm...or perceived harm. If you lose the friendship.....so be it. Your first duty is to your child and she is being totally inappropriate to challenge your parental concern....and to disrespect you as the home owner or home maker.
By the way I raised three children, one of whom was bitten by a neighbors dog....I am also a dog lover.
Well she's still upset.
I got an email saying that she is "hurt to the core".
That I added insult to injury by not believing her when she said the dog didn't step on the baby and then "sweeping the baby away".
She said that she knows I am never comfortable around the dog but That should not affect my knowledge that she would never put the baby in danger and that she is extremely and very hurt that I am suggesting she has poor judgement.
I apologized for hurting her as it was never my intention and suggested we meet to discuss it in person.
Her response to that was "Thank you, I need time to think and feel better."
Basically we clearly still have a major problem. She seems unable to put herself in my shoes at all and her last response indicates that she considers the whole thing my fault and she needs to cool off before she forgives me. Or am I reading that wrong?
Ultimately I am willing to try and talk to her about it in person and I am very sad that she is so hurt and upset as that was absolutely not my intention.
But how do I make clear to her that the situation is dangerous and unacceptable? Do I bring up the humping as dominance issue? Or just stick to the risk of the baby and the dog being on the floor/ sofa at the same time?
We were at her house very briefly last week picking up a few things. She asked the dog to sit (which he did) and go down (which he kind of did - hovering), and to stay - which he didn't do at all. So I think having him stay in a corner while the baby is there is not an option unless she does some serious training with him first.
We were only there 5 minutes and nothing was discussed. She just cooed over the baby and it was awkward as hell. She DID try and get the dog to leave us alone (which he wouldn't) and ended up putting him in another room for the few minutes we were there.
Given her email to me though I imagine any suggestion that her dog may need further training is likely to be met with hostility as she thinks I don't like the dog. She considers him amazingly well trained - she often compare him to our dog in how well trained he is. This is really not a fair comparison as if I told our dog to go down and stay, she would. If she didn't I would address it until she did.
Any suggestions on how to approach this gently? I am not looking to upset and hurt my friend further, but do need to get my point across and am worried that's going to be very tough while she's playing the victim and wrapped up in her hurt feelings over my responses.
Since it's all about her and her feelings and to hell with you and the baby...your approach may need to be...
Well, you may already know your dog is well trained but did you know there is more specific training you can get?
It's like talking to a narcissistic person: "as you know the grass is green, but did you know why it is so green right there? It is the urine of the female Colorado river toad."
You get my point, yes?
Your approach with her will have to be different because it is all about her and her feelings. She does not see the danger she put your baby in with her dog.
It would be like inviting her over with her dog to hang out with untrained large dogs that could harm her dog. She wouldn't do it. She wouldn't put her dog in that position. Why is she asking you to put your baby in that position?
Before you talk to her in person about it, I'd respond to her email so you can get your thoughts out without interruption. Since she seems so unable to see any point of view but her own, you have to accept that you may lose this friendship. But since you want to salvage things, stress repeatedly you are not trying to hurt her and know she'd never intentionally let anything bad happen. Explain that although her dog is pretty well trained the baby is fragile and it would only take a split second of overenthusiasm by the dog to have a serious accident. I wouldn't get into the humping thing as she may just see that as piling on. If only she knew how sensitive to her feelings you were actually being!
It's a touchy situation, and I'm sorry you may lose your friend. And I know you feel badly that this is upsetting her so much, but this is something her issues have created, and it's just unavoidable. Good luck to you.
frankly she sounds unstable to me. Losing a good friend can be heartbreaking and especially one so unstable. But it sounds like there is nothing you can say which will make her see you are right to want to protect your child. you have tried everyway you can but now you both are just banging your heads against the wall. Either she has to agree to your safety precautions or she will not be able to be around the child. If she can't see how much she is losing over her stubborn feelings about her dog she is not worth salvaging as a friend.
Tell her to get over it, stop trying to be reasonable to an unreasonable person. I commend her for FINALLY putting her dog in another room instead of having it jump up and down and go happy go lucky with the baby around, but don't answer her emails, delete them, don't even read them, and tell her if she expects an apology she'll get it when hell freezes over. Sorry, you just can't be nice to some people because they will make your emotions go all haywire especially is you have a conscience ever gnawing at you like me. Don't give her the power, give her your rules for being around the baby which includes the dog not being around or her taking it to be trained, or your relationship is over. You will get more friends, go to a baby group with other parents and stuff.
I have lots of other friends and it would not be a disaster to me if this friendship failed, but it would be sad as despite her quirks I am very fond of her. I think it would be harder on her actually. She has friends too, but fewer as she does have a somewhat challenging personality.
I must confess I am not particularly impressed with how she's handling this. In the email I sent where I offered to talk things through with her I asked if she could see how I would feel the way I did. No response. I think she is very wrapped up in her own feelings about things. I can see why she's upset that I don't trust her judgement with the baby, but 2 minutes of actual thought about it should tell her that the situation is a safety hazard. If she didn't realize that's fine, everyone makes mistakes. But if she won't acknowledge anything what chance is there of her fixing it? Slim to none.
I can tell you that her "Thanks. I need time" email made me want to tell her to take a hike.
If you are bound and determined to maintain the friendship, there is one idea you may want to suggest--that she invest in service training so that the dog could legally go everywhere with her. This is what she wants, and maybe requires to function, a constant canine companion. This would ensure the dog would be highly trained, AND she would legally insure the dog's right to access.
Response? "Fine. Take all the time you need. Let me know when you'd like to talk."
The ball is then in her court and she knows it.
I think any suggestions for further training will be met with hostility - she believes the dog is trained. Also, the training isn't really the issue. Respect for your decisions regarding your child is the issue. Good luck.
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the baby is fragile and it would only take a split second of overenthusiasm by the dog to have a serious accident. I wouldn't get into the humping thing as she may just see that as piling on. If only she knew how sensitive to her feelings you were actually being! 
Goodness
