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My friend is definitely a little kooky, but she has been a really good friend. Maybe it's time to let a little distance develop until the baby is a bit older.
The dog situation has been an annoyance from day 1, but now it just doesn't feel safe. Ugh I hate stuff like this!
I hate situations like this as well so I sympathize. I reread your original post and your last statement about her text to you jumped out at me. It appears her reaction was emotional and she fears losing her relationship with you and your baby. It sounds like both of your feelings were hurt. She was upset and defensive about her dog and you felt hurt that she did not believe you.
I would tell her or write to her saying what you explained here, reassuring her you value her friendship but worry that until your baby is older, that the dog and baby should remain apart. Take the advice given above and arrange meetings on neutral territory.
I don't think this is something to totally lose a friend over but you do have the right to set boundaries, especially in your own home. I have had the opposite situation where some children are not allowed in my home because they ( and the parents don't either) respect my pets. We have been able to keep friendships going by meeting away from my home and pets, but I will not tolerate mishandling of animals and I don't care who I offend.
Good luck to you and let us know how you make out!
Your infant is a fraction of the size of a Labradoodle. All dogs, no matter how well-trained, are still dogs. While the dog is your friend's "baby," your baby is your baby. I can go on and on and on and on and on, but the bottom line, in my opinion, is that you're in the right.
ITA! No baby should be placed on the floor with an ill-behaved (even loveable) dog. I have a small 10 lb dog that sat on my loveseat while my 6 month old great-niece played with the dog. My dog was in a submissive position and loved every minute of it. But I wouldn't let my dog run free while the baby was lying on the ground. No way!
I'm sorry to hear this is upsetting you both, and hope a day or two will put it in better perspective for each of you. You're both adults with the ability and right to make your own decisions, guilt-free. I completely agree that the baby and dog should be kept separated. As Mom you are the best - and only! - judge of what's safest, and her hurt feelings don't and will never overrule your mommy spidey-senses. Okay?? Hang on to that certainty!
FYI, I'm a dog lover and don't have children, and I still think it's unnecessary and unsafe to have baby and dog on the floor together. I'm sure you can come up with a few kind but firm words that will reassure your friend you won't be arbitrarily banning her from ever seeing the baby again. The suggestions about putting the dog in another room, or meeting in a public place, are wonderful and appropriate!
If she is indeed goofy enough to say, "It's me and the dog, or nothing", then - it's nothing. Her choice, sad as that may be.
I commend you for being sensitive to her feelings while still keeping your child safe. You're going to be a GREAT mom!!
And just to make you laugh: the shoe may be on the other foot when your kid hits the terrible twos and won't leave the poor doggie alone! Your friend may be the one insisting on a baby gate!
Last edited by couch coyote; 12-19-2012 at 04:08 PM..
Reason: typo
Follow common sense with this. If you don't feel that your baby is safe around the dog, don't put your baby in the situation. Don't go to her home and don't invite her to your home. Meet in a neutral area (restaurant or mall) where the dog can't go.
It dawned on me....could she be jealous you now have a child and might not see her as often or want to spend time with her? Many times women separate as friends when huge life events mean big changes and a new baby is a huge life event. She is probably feeling very vulnerable and bit lonely. I think if she means so much to you you can still be her friend without putting your child at risk. It might take some imagination but it can be done. What stores does she take her dog to? here the only stores where pets are welcome is petsmart.
Leash laws are not voluntary based upon your dogs behavior. I'm less annoyed when someone actually has a well behaved dog off leash, but it's still rude and narcissistic.
Take a look at any rescue, and in the descriptions you'll find countless dogs that were their owners beloved babies, until the human variety entered the picture, and safety issues arose.
A co-worker of mine went through a horrific experience when her parent's dog attacked her son. He was in the intensive care (the chow's bite punctured his skull) for weeks and she was told brain damage was likely if he survived. The dog had been around the toddler for 2 years before it happened. So you should always err on the side of caution. On a side note, the grandparents refused to voluntarily euthanize the dog.
Depending upon the amount of pain your friend is coping with and the types of meds she's taking, her decision making abilities might be effected. A severe health issue can be VERY isolating, and the dog has likely become her surrogate relationship. These are things to keep in mind and be compassionate about, but don't potentially endanger your child to accommodate her.
She brings the dog in stores???
Perhaps you could find a dog social you could both attend where there is some instruction given about acceptable behavior, without explaining to her that portion of the outing...
It certainly doesn't help that we moved an hour out of the city, so if she comes up here the dog comes too.
She takes the dog into almost all the independant stores in the city and to be honest they welcome him. Once again I think she allows him too much freedom in stores - no leash, he disappears behind the counter, into storage rooms, etc. No one seems to mind. Perhaps because she has a tendancy to spend an enormous amount of money in their stores!
She even took him with us to the mall once which was a nightmare as we kept getting approached by security.
Our dog comes into stores too, but she's in a bag and no one even knows she's there.
She even brought him to go to a granite yard to look at stone with me. We had an argument about that then too (it was when I was pregnant). I said a granite yard with cranes moving slabs around was no place for an off leash dog. She said I was over reacting and brought him anyway.
When we got there the cranes weren't working that day and they welcomed him with open arms saying how much they loved dogs. He ran around the yard the whole time we were there and she kept saying how right she was to have brought him. So there you go - I guess we're in an especially dog friendly area which is great! Our girl comes everywhere too - she's just tiny and much lower impact, and I don't let her run around under everyone's feet.
To be fair the argument with her last week probably in truth sparked the day before. We were walking in the park and he was running up to everyone as usual. I saw another dog owner winding his dogs leash around his hand and straddling his dog with his legs as my friend's dog approached, so I warned her not to let her dog approach that particular dog as it looked like his owner was worried. She told me I was wrong (there's a theme happening here!) and that she knew all the dogs in the park and that it was no problem.
Then her dog ran up to another woman and her dog and the woman was clearly pissed and yelled about leash laws. So I KNOW that some people don't like it!
My friend is just old and set in her ways and won't listen to anyone, least of all me.
She's been a widow for a while and has no kids, so she's used to her own way.
She is also incredibly interesting, feisty, kind hearted and generous. I enjoy her company a lot but she drives me nuts and always has! She definitely has issues maintaining relationships with people. I brush off most stuff as I know she doesn't mean it badly, but this I can't brush off.
Her attitude about her undisciplined dog is the reason I carry a big walking stick when I'm out with my leashed dog on trails. I make certain that dogs that rush at me with the owner's permission (and she is encouraging her dog to do this by not teaching it otherwise) do not invade my or my dog's space. My first defense is to try to stay clear of people like your friend, which is why I avoid dog parks and dogs/owners that act undisciplined, but if I am backed into a corner of a bad situation, I will not let me or my dog be harmed. It would be ridiculous to expect me to not defend myself or my dog from such a thing. If I can see the owner is trying, then I always try to help out to fix the mistake; but if it is an idiot like your friend, who does nothing to prevent a bad situation for me and my guy? Then I am willing to be as harsh as necessary with the problem dog since I won't be getting backup from its owner. I treat the dog no differently than I would any stray or feral dog that was acting aggressively.
Stop second guessing yourself, as you are correct in your assessment that being around a dog who is encouraged to behave this way is a danger to your baby. It makes no difference whether she means well or means badly if the baby is hurt.
Ask yourself this: if that dog did something horrible to your baby, resulting in injury, disfigurement or death, would it be a total surprise to you that it happened? No, it wouldn't. Which means that if you let this continue, you will never forgive yourself if something bad happens to baby because of this dog. Trust your instincts - you've observed things that rightly cause concern. Being observant and avoiding risks is just part of being a parent; being overprotective doesn't apply to this situation because the risk is real.
I am a dog lover who is also childless, but when I tried to put myself in your friend's place, I can't imagine why she is behaving this way to you and your baby. I love my dogs to pieces, but I know when they are behaving well, and I know when they are misbehaving, or when we have an little or big issue that we really need to work out but haven't yet. I sure don't expose others to that because it isn't their problem to solve. What concerns me is that she thinks what her dog is doing is okay. When it most emphatically is not. That means while you can see the potential for serious trouble, she really can't, and that is why your child is in danger around that dog.
I'd rather hear that you had to make a new friend to replace this one, than make a new baby to replace the one the dog destroyed. Sorry to be so blunt, but this is a disaster that I think can be avoided if you just trust your first instincts on this - they were good ones.
I am a huge animal lover rescuer with no children and I side with you too.
Also your friend needs to really leash her dog. I understand that dogs don't like leashes but it is for the safety of her pet, other pets, and other people. Has she ever seen a vicious dog attack another dog, tearing it up? It is horrible, devastating. Your friend would most likely loose in a lawsuit due to her dog being unleashed. Not all dogs are friendly. There are a lot of dogs that like people but not other animals and will kill at any chance. Believe me I know I use to own two dogs like that. They had to be muzzled always in public just in case we came across that one person who didn't like to follow the leash law.
The bigger issue is she is narcissistic and unable to respect your boundaries.
I am childless and completely nuts about my animals. But I would never insist my animals be allowed around a child if the parent was uncomfortable. Doesn't matter if I agreed with the parent or not - the child's safety and the parents peace of mind is more important than letting my animal have free rein.
She has a few screws loose imo and greatly lacks judgement.
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