Struggling with my best friend's decision (biting, train, euthanize, canine)
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I am struggling and I am seeking thoughtful, constructive advice. You may have a strong reaction to my behavior or my friends, but I ask that we please keep the dialogue civil or refrain from responding if you cannot.
My best friend of almost 30 years just did a convenience euthanasia on her dog of 8 years. I loved this dog. No health issues and no aggression issues. The dog would escape from the yard on occasion, but cause no harm. She had expressed her frustration with this in the past and I talked to her about retraining or rehoming the dog; she opted to put up a new fence.
I will openly admit that I am a huge animal lover, do a lot of rescue, and have hard line on people who abuse or dispose of animals. Everyone knows this about me as I am very vocal and it is my number one passion in life.
My friend texted me heartbroken that she "had" to put her dog down. I assumed the dog had been hit or sick or something and called her immediately to see if she was alright. When I asked her what happened she said nothing that the dog had gotten out again and she was worried about what could happen. I then asked her if she was with the dog when they euthanized her and she was not. Out of shock I said 'so you deserted her when she needed you most'. Being that my friend needed someone to support her in that moment, I told her that I was going to go, she agreed that was best and we ended the conversation. In order not to subject my friend to my very strong and angry reaction, I decided to give it space for a while.
The very next day she started texting me her justifications and how 'lots of people' think she did the right thing, that she did what she thought was best for the dog, she was heartbroken that she 'lost' her best friend (talking about her dog), and that bottom line it was her decision that she had to live with.
Unfortunately, her pushing me at that moment resulted in me telling her my opinion that convenience euthanasia is a violation of the human-animal bond and that her dog deserved better. I said she didn't have the courage to honor that bond by being there at the end. That she should not delude herself that she did what was best for the dog, she did what was best for her. I told her to seek support from those people that agree with her decision because I cannot support her through this. She said I was being selfish. I told her it was better for me to be selfish than subject her to my strong feelings about the situation. I asked that we each go find the support we need, grieve the loss, and give it some space.
I agree that not being there for her when she is hurting is selfish, but I just cannot. The thoughts that run through my head are strong and detrimental to her. I too am mourning the loss and I see her as the direct cause - she killed her dog. I think things like at least my selfishness didn't result in the death of a perfectly healthy and loyal animal. I am completely repulsed, disgusted, and shocked by my friend's decision. When she said was 'heartbroken and suffering' my thought was good, you deserve be, you created that, and you are a coward (so you can see why I am not the best person to support her right now).
I am struggling with if and how to continue to be her friend. It seems that 30 years of friendship deserves an effort to work through this. I just don't know if I can or how I would.
Please keep your responses civil and if you have constructive advice that you are willing to share I would appreciate that very much.
I don't have any advice, I'm afraid. I just want to offer my condolences on the loss of your dog friend, and possible loss of a human friend. I would have reacted exactly as you did, and I don't think I could be friends with her in the future. What she did is really not excusable. What a sad situation.
I am struggling and I am seeking thoughtful, constructive advice. You may have a strong reaction to my behavior or my friends, but I ask that we please keep the dialogue civil or refrain from responding if you cannot.
My best friend of almost 30 years just did a convenience euthanasia on her dog of 8 years. I loved this dog. No health issues and no aggression issues. The dog would escape from the yard on occasion, but cause no harm. She had expressed her frustration with this in the past and I talked to her about retraining or rehoming the dog; she opted to put up a new fence.
I will openly admit that I am a huge animal lover, do a lot of rescue, and have hard line on people who abuse or dispose of animals. Everyone knows this about me as I am very vocal and it is my number one passion in life.
My friend texted me heartbroken that she "had" to put her dog down. I assumed the dog had been hit or sick or something and called her immediately to see if she was alright. When I asked her what happened she said nothing that the dog had gotten out again and she was worried about what could happen. I then asked her if she was with the dog when they euthanized her and she was not. Out of shock I said 'so you deserted her when she needed you most'. Being that my friend needed someone to support her in that moment, I told her that I was going to go, she agreed that was best and we ended the conversation. In order not to subject my friend to my very strong and angry reaction, I decided to give it space for a while.
The very next day she started texting me her justifications and how 'lots of people' think she did the right thing, that she did what she thought was best for the dog, she was heartbroken that she 'lost' her best friend (talking about her dog), and that bottom line it was her decision that she had to live with.
Unfortunately, her pushing me at that moment resulted in me telling her my opinion that convenience euthanasia is a violation of the human-animal bond and that her dog deserved better. I said she didn't have the courage to honor that bond by being there at the end. That she should not delude herself that she did what was best for the dog, she did what was best for her. I told her to seek support from those people that agree with her decision because I cannot support her through this. She said I was being selfish. I told her it was better for me to be selfish than subject her to my strong feelings about the situation. I asked that we each go find the support we need, grieve the loss, and give it some space.
I agree that not being there for her when she is hurting is selfish, but I just cannot. The thoughts that run through my head are strong and detrimental to her. I too am mourning the loss and I see her as the direct cause - she killed her dog. I think things like at least my selfishness didn't result in the death of a perfectly healthy and loyal animal. I am completely repulsed, disgusted, and shocked by my friend's decision. When she said was 'heartbroken and suffering' my thought was good, you deserve be, you created that, and you are a coward (so you can see why I am not the best person to support her right now).
I am struggling with if and how to continue to be her friend. It seems that 30 years of friendship deserves an effort to work through this. I just don't know if I can or how I would.
Please keep your responses civil and if you have constructive advice that you are willing to share I would appreciate that very much.
TecWmn...I am so sorry you are in this terrible position. What strikes my heart is that you should just be honest with her about your feelings. Start by explaining that you value her as a friend and that you value your friendship so that she is open to your next words that your own feelings are just so diametrically opposed to her actions that you are not the best choice as support for her right now. And that you know she knows that deep down since she knows your passion. That you wish you could support her because she is your friend and that you hope she finds peace. You've already done some of this so she should be anticipating this from you. But now you can be kinder about it since you've had time to recover from the terrible shock. We can be kind to others even when we vehemently disagree and that is how you can acknowledge the value of your friendship.
As far as your own feelings I am at a loss. Personally, I would seriously question whether the values she lives by are even compatible with my own. I suspect I would end up drifting away from this friendship. She had to know your reaction based on your passion about this issue and she acted anyway. That says something about her respect for you as a friend in addition to her respect for her dog. Those "lots of people" who think she did the right thing are likely either non-dog lovers or people who care only enough to agree without thinking or extreme animal rights activists who feel that death is better than life as a companion animal...I can't think of any other type of person who would agree with her actions.
I wish my words were more helpful. I am so sorry that you are experiencing the loss of two very special friends in your life. If you can find the heart to forgive her for her actions...and forgiving is very different from condoning or even understanding; it means to release and go on whatever that new path may be...than you will be much more at ease.
Her pain is of her own making. She'd get no sympathy from me either. And especially knowing you do animal rescue? She could have talked to you 1st.
If you really want to continue the friendship I guess the best I can suggest is to give it some time-her to stop expecting your sympathy, you to come to terms with the type of person she has revealed herself to be.
I just hope your friendship doesn't become too inconvenient for her. oops.
My friend texted me heartbroken that she "had" to put her dog down. I assumed the dog had been hit or sick or something and called her immediately to see if she was alright. When I asked her what happened she said nothing that the dog had gotten out again and she was worried about what could happen. I then asked her if she was with the dog when they euthanized her and she was not. Out of shock I said 'so you deserted her when she needed you most'. Being that my friend needed someone to support her in that moment, I told her that I was going to go, she agreed that was best and we ended the conversation. In order not to subject my friend to my very strong and angry reaction, I decided to give it space for a while.
The very next day she started texting me her justifications and how 'lots of people' think she did the right thing, that she did what she thought was best for the dog, she was heartbroken that she 'lost' her best friend (talking about her dog), and that bottom line it was her decision that she had to live with.
Unfortunately, her pushing me at that moment resulted in me telling her my opinion that convenience euthanasia is a violation of the human-animal bond and that her dog deserved better. I said she didn't have the courage to honor that bond by being there at the end. That she should not delude herself that she did what was best for the dog, she did what was best for her. I told her to seek support from those people that agree with her decision because I cannot support her through this. She said I was being selfish. I told her it was better for me to be selfish than subject her to my strong feelings about the situation. I asked that we each go find the support we need, grieve the loss, and give it some space.
I am so sorry for the loss of your canine friend.
I too would have reacted exactly as you did.
I would not be able to continue a friendship with this person.
My heart breaks for that pup. I can only imagine how you felt when your friend told you what she had done.
I cannot add anything to ease your mind, but wholeheartedly second Jumpindogs response.
I'm so sorry OP. I'm in complete agreement with you.
People might say that it's just a dog, but it's more than that. She choose to be entrusted with the care and safety of another living thing, and she violated that trust. That was extremely cold.
I'm not bashing her, but that shows she doesn't take responsibility for her actions (not trying to retrain like you suggested) and taking the 'easy' way out of tough decisions, regardless of the consequences. I believe she knows she's wrong, deep down, because she doth protest too much in your last text exchange.
If you want to reconcile with her, I hope that you guys are able to, but I wouldn't blame you if you kept your distance.
I have to wonder if your friend has a very limited ability to handle stress.
She may not have been emotionally equipped to train the dog and her coping mechanisms had reached their limit.
If you've known her 30 years, did she have older siblings or parents that treated her badly?
Over the years of your friendship was it you patching her up, putting the band aids on her leaks?
She never cultivated an ability to think through it, or didn't reach out for help or advice possibly because she had already given up and didn't have the fortitude to act upon the advice you might have given her.
Now then, those people whom she said were supportive might be biting their tongue, and feel the way you do about it but just didn't feel confrontational...some ppl won't tell the honest truth.
It sounds like I'm sticking up for her. No. I'm trying to understand it myself and best I can come up with is her limited experience in compassion, something learned in our formative years (that's why I asked about her growing up years).
In time you'll forgive her because your morals are on straight, but she'll always be a charity case to you now.
Last edited by countryswan; 07-05-2015 at 02:44 PM..
P.S. I am heartbroken for you because you lost a dog friend.
Isn't it amazing how we can love and appreciate dogs sooo much.
I have always had a dog, usually two at a time, and there is not a better friend.
The very next day she started texting me her justifications and how 'lots of people' think she did the right thing,
I find this particularly offensive. You are not "lots of people." You are TecWmn, who has her own feelings and opinions. It appears like she is trying to win you over to her side, after all "lots of people" said she was right so surely it must TecWmn who has the problem so let me try to convince her to change her views so TecWmn will be like the vague "lots of people" who are OK with what I did. You might want to point out to her that you are not "lots of people."
I think you were amazingly civil to your friend considering what she did to her dog. Convenience killing is something I'd have trouble with too. I really can't understand why she didn't look at all of the options and choose one that wouldn't have resulted in death to her supposed best friend. Perhaps the reason she is having so much trouble dealing with this is because she knows what she did was wrong on so many levels. I question her character and find her actions despicable. I'm not sure how she can ever justify her actions and I really wouldn't be able to continue a friendship with her after this. I'm sorry you were put in this position and wish you the best.
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oops.