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I think you are making a very good move here, and I speak from experience. When I got married and moved awa( I thought I died and gone to heaven)as I was treated horribly by family. I wanted to get away because I grew up abused and neglected.
The drama will try to follow, with emails and phone calls, you must limit them, tell them you do not use the computer anymore because it takes up too much of your time, the phone calls can be once a month for 15 mins or based on their actions towards you.
Enjoy the fact you can move away, so many can't get away from the drama, good luck to you!
That's my problem. I'm not far enough away that I can stay away from drama and I would limit my talks with my mother in particular since she's a negative martyr, but she gets really pissy if I don't call her back when she calls me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by GrainOfSalt
Thanks everyone for the responses.
With just a week left to go I feel like I am at the peak of the stress/drama part of all of this. I just can't wait until our packed car is on the road and we are out of here!!
We've been doing multiple family get togethers in fact have dinner with the in-laws later today. My guilt over not being here for Christmas has morphed into me seeing my relatives more this December that any December or Christmas ever! I'm one of those people who can sometimes struggle with irrational guilt, and with this move I've done everything in my power to alleviate it because the stress of moving is enough.
Thankfully it's only one more week.
It's almost time now!
Quote:
Originally Posted by fallingwater
This is so true. I learned the hard way. Drama does follow if you allow it. After moving away from my in-laws, they started treating me a whole lot better. I became jaded and accepted friend requests via Facebook. What I foolishly didnt realize was, they just didnt have any information on me anymore, like they did when I lived close. They missed gossiping about me. Keeping in touch was just the means to keep the drama going. All was well for about a year and then my SIL who barely knows how to turn on a computer joined FB. I reposted a news article that had importance me. I had no idea that this particular issue was against my SIL's beliefs. She saw my repost and assumed I was making a direct attack on her. She had no idea even how to use FB or how to read the wall etc. So flipped out on me. Then got her 27 yr old daughter riled up and without even thinking about it, shot off a message to me saying next time she saw me, she was going to kick my M-F a$$. I have a few clients on my FB and I was completely embarrassed to have such an interaction on my page. My husband got upset and phoned her up. A huge screaming match ensued. This is where my SIL voiced that no one ever liked me and I was extremely manipulative and a liar. My SIL claims she didnt know that her daughter threatened to kick my butt. I took a screen snapshot and showed it to my husband. When the sheet hit the fan, the niece deleted the comment and figured she could go along with the story that I was lying about the comment. It was pretty big drama for a long time. Finally my SIL apologized to my husband (not me) to ease everyone else's tension on the matter. My relationship with my SIL and niece will never be the same again. Maybe in their little world it is totally acceptable to threaten people but in mine, it is not. No more in-laws on my FB. Every now and then my MIL will say things like how she wishes she and i were friends on FB. Ya, whatever. I am not falling for that crap again.
Gosh, what a way for your niece to talk to her elder...I sure hope she learns to solve disagreements (or percieved ones) professionally before it's too late. Have they been sending you friend requests?
I know the feeling about FB though. I've had to delete comments/posts to my wall that were too politically charged, from my uncle and cousin. It's really annoying too because if this were anybody else doing it, they'd be gone just like that but I can't bring myself to unfriend them, being that it's the only way I really can talk to them.
With just a week left to go I feel like I am at the peak of the stress/drama part of all of this. I just can't wait until our packed car is on the road and we are out of here!!
We've been doing multiple family get togethers in fact have dinner with the in-laws later today. My guilt over not being here for Christmas has morphed into me seeing my relatives more this December that any December or Christmas ever! I'm one of those people who can sometimes struggle with irrational guilt, and with this move I've done everything in my power to alleviate it because the stress of moving is enough.
Thankfully it's only one more week.
You are going to feel guilt. You'll feel guilt some time after you move. At first you'll be relieved. You'll be busy setting up your new life and all but in time, you are going to feel guilt.
Don't let that steer you back. Keep in contact with them but don't let them guilt you in to coming back if you realize, once you move, that the drama and stress has indeed diminished.
Last night I heard my MIL telling my husband that since he will be retired he should have time to call "every day"
Now today my son is coming over to borrow "a few bucks", "one last time"... spent too much on Christmas, yada yada yada
Yeah, this can't happen soon enough.
Three wolves.... I don't think I'll feel guilty after we get there, or even after the car pulls out. Logically I know it's irrational, and the only thing that really makes me feel that anyway is my son and that is more just the pain of separating from kids as they grow older. In reality I know the distance will be good for him. He needs to flap his birdie wings a little harder, and quit relying on the old nest ya know??
She is pushing your buttons and she is a serious control freak...after you move, send a note that outlines what time your accept phone calls and what days and maybe also state that your call once a month to check in...and stick to it...this woman is crazy!
At 27, it's definitely time for your son to grow up. But if I were you, I would own what I've created. I'd sit down and have a good talk with him about it and be as candid as you were here on the board, but more thorough. Tell him you know you've been enabling him to be reliant on you for a very long time. Tell him you fully realize that he has it planted firmly in his subconscious that you'll always bail him out, which leads him to be maybe less responsible with finances than a 27-year-old who doesn't have parents to rely on (because they're dead or just not reliable). Be firm with him that he will have to be responsible for himself. Plan for the future. Start a nest egg. Be prepared for any possible emergencies. And that he should be excited about it. There's a thrill and major confidence builder in being 100% self reliant. I'd just be really clear with him that it's time, so he knows it's no game when you move.. it's for real. But also get him excited about owning his own life. No use in freaking him out/bumming him out about it.
As for the MIL.. eh. Hell with her. Maybe she needs to grow up too.
And yes, moving directly away from someone's vibration is always less stressful. As for the Facebook thing you can always hide her updates from your feed and keep her blocked from seeing some or all of yours. Just check in with her updates on a semi-regular basis. That way if you miss an update you were "supposed" to catch or whatever, you can just say you've been busy.. and she'll believe it, because she hasn't seen any updates from you either (because you've been hiding them from her). That's what I do with dramatic/annoying relatives.
Good post Minn..esp about the son...you could offer to have him visit you, so he wont feel left out..maybe like set something up so you don't lose touch or become distant...that happens too.
This is so true. I learned the hard way. Drama does follow if you allow it. After moving away from my in-laws, they started treating me a whole lot better. I became jaded and accepted friend requests via Facebook. What I foolishly didnt realize was, they just didnt have any information on me anymore, like they did when I lived close. They missed gossiping about me. Keeping in touch was just the means to keep the drama going. All was well for about a year and then my SIL who barely knows how to turn on a computer joined FB. I reposted a news article that had importance me. I had no idea that this particular issue was against my SIL's beliefs. She saw my repost and assumed I was making a direct attack on her. She had no idea even how to use FB or how to read the wall etc. So flipped out on me. Then got her 27 yr old daughter riled up and without even thinking about it, shot off a message to me saying next time she saw me, she was going to kick my M-F a$$. I have a few clients on my FB and I was completely embarrassed to have such an interaction on my page. My husband got upset and phoned her up. A huge screaming match ensued. This is where my SIL voiced that no one ever liked me and I was extremely manipulative and a liar. My SIL claims she didnt know that her daughter threatened to kick my butt. I took a screen snapshot and showed it to my husband. When the sheet hit the fan, the niece deleted the comment and figured she could go along with the story that I was lying about the comment. It was pretty big drama for a long time. Finally my SIL apologized to my husband (not me) to ease everyone else's tension on the matter. My relationship with my SIL and niece will never be the same again. Maybe in their little world it is totally acceptable to threaten people but in mine, it is not. No more in-laws on my FB. Every now and then my MIL will say things like how she wishes she and i were friends on FB. Ya, whatever. I am not falling for that crap again.
Good post Minn..esp about the son...you could offer to have him visit you, so he wont feel left out..maybe like set something up so you don't lose touch or become distant...that happens too.
Thanks. And obviously, yes... if he gets into a major jam, of COURSE she should help him... . But right now she shouldn't tell him that. She should just be firm with him about what's going down, and build his confidence that he's perfectly capable of doing this. Because he is, even if he doesn't know it.
That is what I would suggest too...very good advice. I realize I do that now to some extent with my teenager and I am slowly learning to not do too much for her, she is our only child and we dotted on her since birth...not fair to her I suppose, our intentions were good but now I do think I need to be less giving at times...I feel like an atm machine at time!
if we had lived near mine or my hubbies family, we would of ended up divorced...thankfully I stay away from mine...and his are scattered all over...they are just awfully mosey know it alls and thought my husband should of married someone wealthy...better than myself I guess...horrible horrible people they are.
Yes and no. For me personally, I find it easier to deal with drama 300 some miles away. Even if I go home to visit and have a bad one, I know that I have the option to leave and not see anyone again for a few months. I have found my relationships have improved and some only became more absent. My brother and I weren't very close for a long time even though he lived a mile or two from me. He is that type where his interests and friends come first. He has no idea where I live and no interest in knowing either. If I go home to see everyone, its under my terms and I have more control. I do generally get along with my mother though. I do miss being close to her. I think my relationships have improved for the most part however I don't do holidays. I refuse to drive in bad weather and never really cared for the get togethers. That was a guarantee for drama and I wasn't about to set myself up for that.
As far as my in-laws go, my husband and I should have moved away many years ago. My family are into them selves and never tried to get involved in my marriage. My in-laws on the other hand are busy bodies. My MIL and SIL's are very catty, gossipy types that caused a lot of issues in my marriage. My husband is the only boy in his large family. He was single for a long time and when he did date, he didnt bring anyone around. Then he started seeing me and would take me to the family Thanksgiving and so forth. I noticed his youngest sister (whom is my age) was the most disturbed with him seeing someone seriously. She acted like a jilted ex. I could provide pages and pages of instances that were just mind screwing, hurtful antics but I will spare you. Just stuff that really just wore me down over the years. When my husband was offered a job out of state, we were ready to leave. My MIL blamed me of course. My relationship with them has changed because I have cut them off. I am polite, still welcome them if they care to visit but I simply don't provide much info about myself anymore. No info, no way to gossip, HOWEVER..drama still shows up every now and then though. We made a trip back home a few weeks ago. Our time was limited so he told me spend the weekend with my family and he would see his. I guess my MIL was pissed I didnt show up. Funny because when I lived by them, they purposely excluded me from a lot of stuff. You would think they would be happy to have their son/brother all to them selves. His mother started making little comments about me and he blew up. He is becoming more distant with them as time goes on. We got home and she called me to say how much she missed me. I find it kind of amusing. I don't think she really understand that when she makes nasty comments about me to my husband, that he tells me. Super fake attitudes are annoying to me but no longer hurt anymore. My give a damn is busted.
Boy, it's a good thing that you and your husband really get along well. What a mess. You seem to have risen above it, though. Good for the two of you.
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She had no idea even how to use FB or how to read the wall etc. So flipped out on me. Then got her 27 yr old daughter riled up and without even thinking about it, shot off a message to me saying next time she saw me, she was going to kick my M-F a$$. 
I have a few clients on my FB and I was completely embarrassed to have such an interaction on my page. My husband got upset and phoned her up. A huge screaming match ensued. This is where my SIL voiced that no one ever liked me and I was extremely manipulative and a liar. My SIL claims she didnt know that her daughter threatened to kick my butt. I took a screen snapshot and showed it to my husband. When the sheet hit the fan, the niece deleted the comment and figured she could go along with the story that I was lying about the comment. 
That's what I do with dramatic/annoying relatives.
. But right now she shouldn't tell him that. She should just be firm with him about what's going down, and build his confidence that he's perfectly capable of doing this. Because he is, even if he doesn't know it.
