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Funny how I don't even want to type the "my" because I still feel like a rug has been pulled out from under me. For some reason, this blowup, specifically the issue about what my husband said, has brought up some long-suppressed feelings. I am adopted, and both of my parents are now gone. I had a child at a very young age and gave him up for adoption, and then was never able to have children afterwards. Somehow I've never put all this together until this week, that I might have an issue with "belonging". I don't know anyone that I am biologically related to, but that has never bothered me before, because my parents were my parents, unconditionally. Maybe because this happened on Mother's Day, which is hard enough with my mother gone, but now, also my father, who always made a big deal out of it.
If your husband is aware of this part of your story, he should be flogged for speaking to you that way.
You aren't whining. You're human. We all need love. Keep taking care of and loving yourself.
Wanted you to know that I am thinking of you and hoping you are working through all of this and doing alright, Convextech. Taking some time to "veg" and work it all out is probably the best thing you can do for yourself right now.
I am so very sorry that family members, especially your husband, have been so thoughtless. Maybe something good will come out of this if others will spend some time thinking about the impact this has had on you. I hope there is some soul searching going on with your adult children as well as your husband. Maybe the fact that the children are taking swimming lessons is indicative of that. I surely hope so.
After our big fight, my husband did say that I had a point about the way my SIL was pushing the kids in the pool, and that he's not proud of how he raised his kids that way. He knows his kids still aren't solid swimmers; they still hold their noses when going under, and have to hang on to a float or the side of the pool when in the deep end, because they don't know how to tread water.
My kids are still not speaking to me, but I did hear from someone who is friends with them on FB that mydaughter has enrolled both kids in swimming lessons. So maybe my husband said something to her.
Funny how I don't even want to type the "my" because I still feel like a rug has been pulled out from under me. For some reason, this blowup, specifically the issue about what my husband said, has brought up some long-suppressed feelings. I am adopted, and both of my parents are now gone. I had a child at a very young age and gave him up for adoption, and then was never able to have children afterwards. Somehow I've never put all this together until this week, that I might have an issue with "belonging". I don't know anyone that I am biologically related to, but that has never bothered me before, because my parents were my parents, unconditionally. Maybe because this happened on Mother's Day, which is hard enough with my mother gone, but now, also my father, who always made a big deal out of it.
So I've stayed off the computer for the last couple days, took some time off, and just vegged. I've always been so proud of being self-confident and independent, and I know I will come out of this, but for some reason this has brought me to my knees, and I feel like a whiny old woman.
Thanks everybody for your support.
Thank you for updating. I had been thinking about you and wishing you the best, as I am sure that other readers of this thread were doing, as well.
I am glad that your husband realized that his method for teaching swimming was not very successful. And, it is good to learn that his daughter has signed up her children for swimming lessons.
Please do not think of yourself, even for a second, as a "whiny old woman". The things that you shared in your most recent post, as well as what happened on Mother's day weekend, would be devastating to even the strongest adult.
OK, I got into a huge fight with my daughter this weekend and I'd like some input on whether what I did was wrong.
We have an inground pool and the grandkids have been playing in it for years now. They are 6 and 3. Neither of them know how to swim yet, because their parents won't take them for swimming classes, and I refuse to allow the kids in the pool unless they have their Puddle Jumpers on, for this reason. It's never been an issue before, but this weekend my daughter wanted my granddaughter (the six year old) to not have her Puddle Jumper on, saying that it's past time for her to learn to swim. I totally agree, however, their way is to push the kid in the pool and force them to learn to survive instead of teaching them the proper way to float and kick. I absolutely am against this type of "teaching" and I told my daughter to tell her husband to stop pushing my granddaughter into the pool, because now the child screams bloody murder whenever her daddy gets near her in the pool, or when he even mentions throwing her off the diving board.
So I was with my granddaughter, holding her hands as she was on the side of the pool, and was coaxing her into the water. She'd already successfully jumped off by herself a couple times. Anyway, my son-in-law comes up behind her and pushes her in. So I told him to stop it, that if he wants to teach his kids to swim that way, do it somewhere else, but this is my pool, and I don't want the kids scared of swimming at my house. My daughter stood up for her husband of course, and said, "We all learned how to swim that way, Dad just threw us in the pond and let us fend for ourselves," and I said, "Well the way your daddy taught you sucks, and you're not going to employ that method while you are here."
I should tell you at this point that I am not her bio mom, but I've raised his two daughters since she was twelve and the older was sixteen (for 14 years). So I missed that part of their upbringing.
Anyway, they got the kids out of the pool and they left. My husband (her daddy) yelled at me about it, and then told me, "You don't have a say in this, you are not even part of this family!" Imagine my shock at hearing this. I am still upset about the whole thing, and now neither daughter is speaking to me, and of course my Mother's Day brunch was cancelled. I did apologize to my daughter for berating her, because she is a great mom.
I'd just like some honest answers about whether I was totally in the wrong about this issue.
Heavens NO...You did everything right. Gees you must have felt just ill with the neanderthal behavior of your SIL....I am sorry that your hubby said something so hurtful....and that would hurt a lot!
If it were me.... I would take those babies to swim lessons and attend with them myself. That way you know this jerk SIL can never put them in that position again.
Why would the other daughter be mad at you??
Sorry this happened....You and those babies deserved much better.
Oh please. REAL child abuse is things like burning their hand on purpose over a hot stove, locking in a basement with iron bars, molesting them, beating them with a baseball bat, truancy, drug usage, or maybe throwing them in a LAKE or such. Throwing a child into a pool--please. They're relatively small (so someone can more readily rescue the child & they aren't at risk of drifting out), the water is clear, and there are no submerged objects or currents to deal with.
Throwing them into a pool may not be A+ parenting, and it might be something better not practiced, but I'd hardly call it "child abuse," and it's ridiculous to say it is and certainly ridiculous to think these are situations where someone should be taking things to the point of intervening. When it's something relatively innocuous like this, it's not "intervening," it's INTERFERING, and unless you have REAL abuse going on, you don't DARE interfere.
You really are wrong. It is abuse. I'm glad Grand Mom intervened.
You really are wrong. It is abuse. I'm glad Grand Mom intervened.
Nope, I don't agree, and when she intervened, guess what--the parents went elsewhere, and apparently have yet to return and still aren't speaking to her. Their authority has to be respected at ALL TIMES, in my opinion.
At the same time, I think it's a good thing they enrolled them in lessons, it sounds like it was something the father was losing any sense of patience with and "outsourcing" this was probably needed at this point.
Nope, I don't agree, and when she intervened, guess what--the parents went elsewhere, and apparently have yet to return and still aren't speaking to her. Their authority has to be respected at ALL TIMES, in my opinion.
At the same time, I think it's a good thing they enrolled them in lessons, it sounds like it was something the father was losing any sense of patience with and "outsourcing" this was probably needed at this point.
Or maybe it just took a brave grandmother to stand up for the kids to help them see the error in their ways. Too bad grandma isn't getting credit yet. But still, in the long run, the grandkids will be thankful.
I've read those articles. My mind is basically unchanged. Now, in the case of the 2nd one, I think a 14 year old is old enough to have some "personal autonomy" to where you don't handle issues with them in that way. With respect to the 1st one, I'm not necessarily that hot on the father doing that as a form of punishment, but I definitely agree with the person who observed that they were taught how to swim that way and that such was harmless to him. Even in the case of punishment, sometimes it takes a drastic step to get a child's attention, sometimes nothing else convinces them. You can't always have "the chat" with them all full of sappy sugar like in "Full House", sometimes it takes a little bit of getting almost ugly for a child to get it.
Thank goodness there are places you can swim that aren't so crowded, sometimes you're the only ones there, and where if others ARE present you do see other parents who will pretty much MAKE their children go in if they stubbornly refuse, so you doing the same if you feel the need is no big deal. Those 2 incidents were in CA and AZ if I read correctly, and if my knowledge and experience of those areas is any indication, people there are different than they are here. Around here, it's nothing unusual at all for people to make their children move on along if they've tried everything else and it hasn't worked.
But--again--I am glad the parents got their children lessons, and again ours actually arrived to the point of swimming without life-jackets ON THEIR OWN. However, when we were teaching them the basics earlier on, and they were scared to let go of us to try kicking etc and started freaking out, I did eventually say "you're going, and that's final, cry all you want, but YOU'RE GOING" and I let go to where they HAD to figure it out. I was right there encouraging them and praising them, and even helping a little, but I didn't wait all day for them to decide they were ready either.
Yesterday was my granddaughter's kindergarten graduation. I hadn't been told about it, but my husband asked me yesterday morning if I was going, so I went. My daughters waved me over to where they were sitting, and we all sat together. I think it broke the ice a little because no matter what, I am still there for my granddaughter. We enjoyed the program together and then parted ways to go back to work.
Last night my daughter texted me a picture that my granddaughter had drawn, and said, "Guess what this is about LOL"
Evidently on her last day of school, the kids were asked to tell a story about something memorable that happened to them that year. The picture was of her in the water, and me with a bubble drawn from my mouth that says "Let her do wut I sed". The story was four pages long and my daughter said it was all about "how she went swimming and we argued and how she had to leave but didn't know why and how you are right" then "and how she loves swimming at her grandmas and was mad she had to come home".
I apologized and said I would explain to her that Grandma shouldn't have yelled at Mommy that way, and she LOL. So I hope we are good.
As for my husband, he finally noticed last Thursday that I wasn't wearing my rings, but he didn't say anything. The next day, he asked to use my car, so I took his truck to work. When I got home, he had put new tires on it, gotten the brakes done, filled it up with gas, it was detailed inside and out with my favorite scent, and he had paid off a years of my car insurance.
I know my husband, and this was his way of saying I'm sorry, because normally I am expected to pay for all that stuff myself. I have not let the incident slide; I certainly won't forget it, but I am glad to see that he took a step towards "taking care of me" when I normally have to take care of myself.
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