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MSR...Thanks for sharing the lyrics...I sure feel grateful for all I learned from my husband and sons. (And from my parents and other loved ones who died too...Including each of my cats!)...I want everyone to "live-on" inside of me. But I know that it's my "job" to come into my "own" more and more too. How do you feel about it? Thanks!
MSR...Thanks for sharing the lyrics...I sure feel grateful for all I learned from my husband and sons. (And from my parents and other loved ones who died too...Including each of my cats!)...I want everyone to "live-on" inside of me. But I know that it's my "job" to come into my "own" more and more too. How do you feel about it? Thanks!
Different things at different times.
"Grace under Pressure." How we keep it together and have Courage to try again tomorrow isn't exactly the same for any of us. Yet, we do get something out of posting here.
CA, I've learned a lot from the tragic deaths of two of my pets too.
MSR...Thanks for sharing the lyrics...I sure feel grateful for all I learned from my husband and sons. (And from my parents and other loved ones who died too...Including each of my cats!)...I want everyone to "live-on" inside of me. But I know that it's my "job" to come into my "own" more and more too. How do you feel about it? Thanks!
CA,
For some reason I woke up around 3:00 am and couldn't go back to sleep. My mind kept thinking of this thread. So I'm looking at it again trying to figure out why.
I'm not certain I know how to write what I feel about your questions. I've erased what I wrote twice. I don't feel comfortable disclosing some of what I feel and think.
We all differ in our ages, locations, work history, and so much more. Where we all meet on similar grounds is having experienced the loss of the person who was X to us. The X may or may not be the same for different people.
I agree that each of us must learn new ways of getting our needs met. To have our needs met requires that we move forward vs. staying stuck. By moving forward we do " come into our own" in different ways.
That's the summary of what I feel comfortable writing for now.
MSR...Thanks for your posts. You brought-up getting our "needs met" in new ways...Right now I'm trying to determine what I really "need" or "want" today...People tend to relate to me based on who I "used to be." But I'm not sure that person "exists" anymore. (Not entirely anyway!)...How do you feel when it comes to yourself? I'll come back and write more bit-by-bit! Thanks for all you've shared.
MSR...Everyone here "acknowledges" their grief. (Or they wouldn't be here.) Right?...I've known some people who would never dream of posting in a grief forum. Or consider joining a grief support group. (Or anything like that!)...They just carry on with their normal lives and insist they're "fine."...My Dad did this after my Mom died. He didn't think he needed to "grieve" per se...Eventually his mind "split-off" and he developed Alzheimers. Did his lack of "grieving" have anything to do with the Alzheimers? Who knows?...But I don't want to follow in his "foot-steps." I'm letting myself "feel all."
MSR...Thanks for your posts. You brought-up getting our "needs met" in new ways...Right now I'm trying to determine what I really "need" or "want" today...People tend to relate to me based on who I "used to be." But I'm not sure that person "exists" anymore. (Not entirely anyway!)...How do you feel when it comes to yourself? I'll come back and write more bit-by-bit! Thanks for all you've shared.
CA,
Thanks for your post. I absolutely agree 1000%. Like others who have major life events occur (can't even comprehend what parents who bring triplets or more babies home after a multiple baby pregnancy feel with all needing fed, diapers changed, the laundry etc.) we all utilize what knowledge, coping mechanisms we've used in the past to start putting our lives back together. Sometimes we have to modify or discard previous ways to update to our present circumstances.
Probably parents with quints see a lot of "wasted time" compared to what those parents learned to do for five babies with only 24 hrs. in their days too.
What about all of us that left home for college? That could be a comedy thread of what we use to think our parents and others didn't know or how some attempt to wash their own clothes the first time etc. I suspect it's similar in some ways as those who enlist in the military.
We are left, after a loss of those we depended on, trusted, loved (as friends, spouses, SOs and others) redefining many areas of our lives.
We may no longer eat dinner at a table or need to go grocery shopping as often. Maybe we don't have to attend certain events anymore. Indeed it can be stressful and fun time depending on how we approach our future.
We get to decide what parts of who we are today and want to be next month or next year. It's a time of discovering what we want to keep, what we don't need to keep currently and try new experiences in life. Maybe it's even a time to volunteer or spend time with others we couldn't previously.
We each get to decide or learn what we need at this point in our lives. I certainly agree it takes time and exploring what we think would make us the happiest now, while we meet our current commitments
CA, before you were married or a mother you were you. What did you like or need then? Realizing decades have past, what parts of the pre-mother, pre-wife did you have to put on hold to take on the roles of wife and mother? Now might be a great time to return to some of the previous interests or hobbies you use to have. Then there are all the new opportunities from new activities, the arts, technologies, the endless need at charities for volunteers and more. If something doesn't fit for you .....you can try something else. When we've had to stop so many areas of our life to care for others we don't necessarily know what is available to us now.
What have all of you done or had others do for you to help you define your current needs?
MSR...Good post. I agree...Life can hand us "different circumstances" and we have to alter our current ways of doing things. (Whether we feel like it or not!)
MSR...Good post. I agree...Life can hand us "different circumstances" and we have to alter our current ways of doing things. (Whether we feel like it or not!)
MSR...Guess we just have to figure out what our needs are at every stage. And try to find a way to fill them. (The best we can! Right?)...Sounds easy! But it's not always easy! (As you know!)
MSR...Guess we just have to figure out what our needs are at every stage. And try to find a way to fill them. (The best we can! Right?)...Sounds easy! But it's not always easy! (As you know!)
CA,
So true. Maybe Maslow's law is a starting point. Then which need is the most important to each of us? What need do we need met more than any other?
I know it's an old method but it works for many. That's a paper and pencil/ pen. Write what needs we can identify. As we think about them write any potential solutions.
I still love to invite my neighbors to a weed pulling party here since I can't physically do that. But I have started to wave to some I apparently knew as a child. I can't walk up their stairs but they don't know that. So probably stopping by some day when I'm in the car and they are outside would work best.
whether anyone will want to come and pull weeds is a different story. LOL I use it as an example of an ice breaker.
Maybe meeting and talking to new people isn't my greatest need right now. Maybe it's finding a new job or doing something for myself that those I've lost did to make me feel special.
Back to that paper and pen of needs, how I would like to feel again and possible options to feel what we each did at least one time in our lives with someone no longer here.
Perhaps a better word would be what do I want to "feel" again? Then writing possible ways to get those feelings by our own actions or those of others.
If going out for ice cream or yogurt made you feel a certain way can you get some of that back by going with someone different? It will never be the same but some parts might be pleasant.
Sorry this is long. I got a bunch of calls from others as I received something I've needed today. I need to be part of a team that makes things better for others. I also needed validation for my work.
I received the nicest email from MD Anderson Hospital today asking if I'd be interested in discussing an open position. I was dumbfounded, to say the least. I have no idea what will happen given time frames, responsibilities and more. The outcome really doesn't matter. It's the validation of people I don't know telling me I've got the experience they are looking for.
I think I'll frame that email.
I couldn't have been more surprised. Open yourselves up to new opportunities. I would have politely said, " I am so sorry I can't even consider the position," a year or 3-6 months ago. Now I can.
Enough from me, what do others think about needs vs. feelings of what we miss and want to get back in our lives?
MSR
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