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If one is happy alone, so be it. Enjoy it. If one is happy mourning, so be it. If one is happy being a recluse, so be it. If one is happy dating, so be it. If one is happy remarrying, so be it.
I have read thru all of these posts on this thread. I have also read much as I started searching grief and widowers and coping right after my wife passed. I needed answers and help. I found a lot of ideas but it is different for everyone.
If you read the entire thread, one thing that stands out is men will sometimes date very soon after. And women will usually not for a much longer period of time. And many women will never date again. And the opinions of men and women on what is a reasonable time to wait is also very different. It is true here and just about anywhere else one might look for the answer.
What is kind of a good bit of advice is wait one year before doing anything of a financial life changing nature. It is true that our minds are still struggling with the new world and we don't always make good decisions.
As far as dating after losing a spouse, only one person can make that decision. I am on a few forums and chat with a few. Getting married again to me at this time sounds totally out of the question. It is so complicated at this age. Chances are there are two or more mortgages, multiple financial considerations, not to mention multiple family issues.
I have heard from men and women both who want companionship but not all the things that can go with it. So many just see one other person regularly. Their friendship serves them both well. It seems to be common. People don't want to be alone, but they also don't want to be married.
In my own case, I am not dating yet. I have friends and family and other types of support. I am adjusting to the new life. It is easy and hard at the same time. Good days and tough days. But I do feel the loneliness. And that is likely to drive me to seek out companionship sooner or later. And that is actually a very scary thought. At least fo me.
There is no minimum or maximum time a person should wait. And there is no right or wrong as to remaining alone or finding another. It may be the only good thing about being a widower. The only pressure to do anything is self imposed. If you are not sure? Guess what, you don't have to decide.
I have read thru all of these posts on this thread. I have also read much as I started searching grief and widowers and coping right after my wife passed. I needed answers and help. I found a lot of ideas but it is different for everyone.
If you read the entire thread, one thing that stands out is men will sometimes date very soon after. And women will usually not for a much longer period of time. And many women will never date again. And the opinions of men and women on what is a reasonable time to wait is also very different. It is true here and just about anywhere else one might look for the answer.
What is kind of a good bit of advice is wait one year before doing anything of a financial life changing nature. It is true that our minds are still struggling with the new world and we don't always make good decisions.
As far as dating after losing a spouse, only one person can make that decision. I am on a few forums and chat with a few. Getting married again to me at this time sounds totally out of the question. It is so complicated at this age. Chances are there are two or more mortgages, multiple financial considerations, not to mention multiple family issues.
I have heard from men and women both who want companionship but not all the things that can go with it. So many just see one other person regularly. Their friendship serves them both well. It seems to be common. People don't want to be alone, but they also don't want to be married.
In my own case, I am not dating yet. I have friends and family and other types of support. I am adjusting to the new life. It is easy and hard at the same time. Good days and tough days. But I do feel the loneliness. And that is likely to drive me to seek out companionship sooner or later. And that is actually a very scary thought. At least fo me.
There is no minimum or maximum time a person should wait. And there is no right or wrong as to remaining alone or finding another. It may be the only good thing about being a widower. The only pressure to do anything is self imposed. If you are not sure? Guess what, you don't have to decide.
very nice post stevie.. In my own opinon I think men like to be taken care of, like a mother figure, I wont comment on what some others look for... as im not a man..
I agree Stevie wrote a nice post and as I widower I understand it. I have opted to have a young casual friend with benefits. Might I change my mind in the future? I do not know but I doubt it as I do not want to become to involved with anyone. If the right thing came along I will deal with it then.
very nice post stevie.. In my own opinon I think men like to be taken care of, like a mother figure, I wont comment on what some others look for... as im not a man..
I don't know what other men want. My friends and I don't usually talk about relationships.
For me, I have been doing all the housework for a few years. Also the yard work and all the maintenance.
I don't want a mother figure. I married my wife and she was my equal partner. We took care of each other.
A few weeks after she passed I had an accident with some tools. I injured my hand and needed stitches. I took myself to the ER. I could not hold back my emotions in the ER. For all these years I took her to the doctors and appts and was her caregiver and now after I had given everything I had, there was no one to take me to the ER.
I will eventually look for someone else. No idea when. But I will be looking for someone independent and not a mother figure. Just a normal committed relationship where we agree to take care of each others needs.
Stevie60, I am both sorry for you loss and your loneliness. What you describe is also what I picture in a new relationship - a partnership. As a widow, I do not want to be a mother figure to a grown man. I also do not want to be objectified in the pursuit of "benefits." I would want an equal partner with whom to share the work and joys of life. I had this kind of loving, intimate partnership with my lost husband, and if I were to find another, that's what I would want again. Of course, every relationship and every person is different; you can't reproduce what you had. It has to be something new. But I could not be my genuine self if I were to try to fit into the "roles" above.
Stevie60, I am both sorry for you loss and your loneliness. What you describe is also what I picture in a new relationship - a partnership. As a widow, I do not want to be a mother figure to a grown man. I also do not want to be objectified in the pursuit of "benefits." I would want an equal partner with whom to share the work and joys of life. I had this kind of loving, intimate partnership with my lost husband, and if I were to find another, that's what I would want again. Of course, every relationship and every person is different; you can't reproduce what you had. It has to be something new. But I could not be my genuine self if I were to try to fit into the "roles" above.
No, there is no way to replace my wife. She was a wonderful mother to our children and a wonderful wife to me. Her goals in life were always to be a mom with the station wagon and take the kids everywhere. And then it was to be a grandma and do the same. She loved anything to do with the grandchildren.
She was a small woman. And stunningly beautiful. It was always comical when guys would meet me they would just think another geek/dweeb. Then she would walk up and kiss me and they would get very confused. And then there were a few men who became almost obsessed with her. I nipped that in the bud in no uncertain terms. She had a real strong effect on men. She never thought nothing of it and didn't flaunt it or even flirt. I took her on a dependents cruise on an aircraft carrier when we were first married. She was easily the most beautiful girl on the ship. I had a lot of fun when guys would ask me how I got someone so beautiful? My comments are not g rated.
Our relationship was about as good as it can get. We never had the big fight. The worst it ever got was giving each other the silent treatment. And that never lasted very long. She was more than content to be a mom and a home maker. She sewed and did a multitude of arts and crafts. Always making outfits and costumes for the kids. She taught herself to knit and that was her last foray before she got to sick to do much. When we built the house she helped design the kitchen and bedroom closets and such.
I know I cannot replace her. I know I have to guard against comparing someone else to her, or to expect someone else to try to be like she was. It isn't going to happen. I was invited tonight to go to an all girls band. My friend is married to one of the singers. It is a place where they have regular jam sessions for female musicians and such. I thought a long time about it. And I called him and told him I am not ready to go out yet. And I am not ready to meet other women. I want to, I really do, I am godawful lonely. But each day is a struggle with my emotions and I am pretty sure I would only hurt someone else. I cannot tell the difference between grief and loneliness. They both stink!
No, there is no way to replace my wife. She was a wonderful mother to our children and a wonderful wife to me. Her goals in life were always to be a mom with the station wagon and take the kids everywhere. And then it was to be a grandma and do the same. She loved anything to do with the grandchildren.
She was a small woman. And stunningly beautiful. It was always comical when guys would meet me they would just think another geek/dweeb. Then she would walk up and kiss me and they would get very confused. And then there were a few men who became almost obsessed with her. I nipped that in the bud in no uncertain terms. She had a real strong effect on men. She never thought nothing of it and didn't flaunt it or even flirt. I took her on a dependents cruise on an aircraft carrier when we were first married. She was easily the most beautiful girl on the ship. I had a lot of fun when guys would ask me how I got someone so beautiful? My comments are not g rated.
Our relationship was about as good as it can get. We never had the big fight. The worst it ever got was giving each other the silent treatment. And that never lasted very long. She was more than content to be a mom and a home maker. She sewed and did a multitude of arts and crafts. Always making outfits and costumes for the kids. She taught herself to knit and that was her last foray before she got to sick to do much. When we built the house she helped design the kitchen and bedroom closets and such.
I know I cannot replace her. I know I have to guard against comparing someone else to her, or to expect someone else to try to be like she was. It isn't going to happen. I was invited tonight to go to an all girls band. My friend is married to one of the singers. It is a place where they have regular jam sessions for female musicians and such. I thought a long time about it. And I called him and told him I am not ready to go out yet. And I am not ready to meet other women. I want to, I really do, I am godawful lonely. But each day is a struggle with my emotions and I am pretty sure I would only hurt someone else. I cannot tell the difference between grief and loneliness. They both stink!
Going out for a night of music does not mean you are there to replace your lost, loved one. Get off your a$$ and go.
My wife died of cancer three months ago. I'm not the basket case I was nowadays, but of course my life partner is gone and frankly I'm pretty lonely. I am 52. I wondered what others' experiences are/ were in this situation. Thanks.
First, I am very sorry for your loss.
I lost my late fiance when I was 23 years old. I learned from my support group that the decision to move on and find a new partner after the death of a beloved spouse/lover is emotionally wrenching and deeply personal.
Some people, even after a happy marriage, start looking for a new mate fairly soon. Others choose to remain single. There’s no right or wrong decision.
Whatever you do, try not to fall into the rebound relationship trap. Honesty is always the best policy. If you are only looking for a physical relationship or a friendship from a woman, be honest. I think good women will be understanding towards your situation. No matter what your decision is, try not to feel guilty moving on.. Our loved ones want us to move forward.
I lost my late fiance when I was 23 years old. I learned from my support group that the decision to move on and find a new partner after the death of a beloved spouse/lover is emotionally wrenching and deeply personal.
Some people, even after a happy marriage, start looking for a new mate fairly soon. Others choose to remain single. There’s no right or wrong decision.
Whatever you do, try not to fall into the rebound relationship trap. Honesty is always the best policy. If you are only looking for a physical relationship or a friendship from a woman, be honest. I think good women will be understanding towards your situation. No matter what your decision is, try not to feel guilty moving on.. Our loved ones want us to move forward.
best of luck.
I agree. Avoid a rebound serious relationship. A rebound FWB is OK, but nothing serious.
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