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Same here, Flamingo. My house is messy and only once in a while does "the spirit move me". Then it's only for a short spurt because of my MS. I am content like Marcy and CA. This is the first time in my life that there has been no man in my life. I always had a bf in between husbands. Now I am completely independent. I miss Earl like crazy but I'm also liking this independence. Don't need to ask anyone for permission, opinion, etc. Like Earl did not like me buying a Prius instead of a truck. Then he moaned and groaned about the cat I traded the Prius for. He would have had a sh*t fit if he had been around for my next two trades. I finally have a car I am totally happy with.
My wife died of cancer three months ago. I'm not the basket case I was nowadays, but of course my life partner is gone and frankly I'm pretty lonely. I am 52. I wondered what others' experiences are/ were in this situation. Thanks.
My condolences.
I am a widower too, breast cancer....I was 38 when it happened and am 44 now.
Sounds like you were together a long time.
If that's the case probably the best advice I can offer is the following:
1) Don't hurt yourself or others. Just be up front and honest about the whole situation.
2) Its easy to fall hard and fast in these situations which can cause #1 in a heartbeat. This may sound strange but consider dating someone that has ZERO interest in a serious relationship or that you both have some sort of deal killer. That takes the pressure off and eases you back into things.
In my situation this was a gal that didn't like kids, I had kids but we still just went on dates etc. even though it wasn't going to work out long-term.
3) If you haven't dated since your 20's or whatnot the environment COMPLETELY CHANGES as you age. I found the relationship forum a great source of insight and it's a good idea to hear not just from guys your age but from the ladies too. Also doesn't hurt to dust off a skill you haven't used in a while.
4) Consider joining some sort of social group to occupy your time. Volunteer somewhere? Entering the dating pool from a position of great loneliness is never a good idea as you could make potentially bad decisions and also it's frankly unattractive and you might exacerbate your poor feelings by being rejected.
Me personally, give it some more time and get out of the house and involved in things to ease your loneliness. After a while, then consider dating but I think you might want to address the loneliness thing first.
Location: West of the Catalinas East of the Tortolitas
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I think men tend to remarry quickly. I've known a few widowers, and they've all actively started dating, i.e. "seeking new wife" within a couple of months. I don't think it's because they didn't love the lost wife with all their heart, I think it's because most of them, at least the one's of my generation or older, aren't used to being on their own. Most went from high school to college, some to Viet Nam, back home, got married, raised families, and then, when suddenly alone, don't know what to do. They need someone to do the cooking, the laundry, the cleaning, etc. And they don't like to be alone, for the most part.
Women, on the other hand, usually have gone from mom & dad to college, or boyfriend to marriage, kids, family, and even if they worked, still made dinner, did laundry, cleaned house, took care of the kids, etc., so when they're suddenly alone, it's more like "I'm free! Now what. Hmmm. Wow. I'm empty nested. I live alone. I can watch whatever I want on TV. I can blast the stereo. I CAN MAKE MY OWN DECISIONS!!! Like Tami, buying a new car. I did that, too. The old family "road trip" car was much too big for me. I moved to a new state (out of necessity), but the major decisions that came with selling a home, moving, making legal decisions, settling a complicated estate, were all things I had no idea I could do.
So, while mens lives don't change much other than the one they depended on for basic necessities is gone; women's lives are suddenly liberated and the feeling is exhilarating. That doesn't diminish the grief, loneliness, sorrow, hole in the heart, horrific sorrow that we feel for the rest of our lives, but there is a learning curve many of us experience that teaches us we are so much stronger than we ever thought we could be, and that's liberating. We come through the experience having learned so much, and grown so much, that we're not the same women our husbands would recognize should they miraculously come back from the dead.
I am a widower too, breast cancer....I was 38 when it happened and am 44 now.
Sounds like you were together a long time.
If that's the case probably the best advice I can offer is the following:
1) Don't hurt yourself or others. Just be up front and honest about the whole situation.
2) Its easy to fall hard and fast in these situations which can cause #1 in a heartbeat. This may sound strange but consider dating someone that has ZERO interest in a serious relationship or that you both have some sort of deal killer. That takes the pressure off and eases you back into things.
In my situation this was a gal that didn't like kids, I had kids but we still just went on dates etc. even though it wasn't going to work out long-term.
3) If you haven't dated since your 20's or whatnot the environment COMPLETELY CHANGES as you age. I found the relationship forum a great source of insight and it's a good idea to hear not just from guys your age but from the ladies too. Also doesn't hurt to dust off a skill you haven't used in a while.
4) Consider joining some sort of social group to occupy your time. Volunteer somewhere? Entering the dating pool from a position of great loneliness is never a good idea as you could make potentially bad decisions and also it's frankly unattractive and you might exacerbate your poor feelings by being rejected.
Me personally, give it some more time and get out of the house and involved in things to ease your loneliness. After a while, then consider dating but I think you might want to address the loneliness thing first.
This is all great advice, and has been my experience so far. Meetup.com has been better than anything in getting out of the house. I thought about volunteering at a hospital. Dating is a whole different world than in my '20s and I have no idea what's going on and that's ok. Thanks.
I think men tend to remarry quickly. I've known a few widowers, and they've all actively started dating, i.e. "seeking new wife" within a couple of months. I don't think it's because they didn't love the lost wife with all their heart, I think it's because most of them, at least the one's of my generation or older, aren't used to being on their own. Most went from high school to college, some to Viet Nam, back home, got married, raised families, and then, when suddenly alone, don't know what to do. They need someone to do the cooking, the laundry, the cleaning, etc. And they don't like to be alone, for the most part.
Women, on the other hand, usually have gone from mom & dad to college, or boyfriend to marriage, kids, family, and even if they worked, still made dinner, did laundry, cleaned house, took care of the kids, etc., so when they're suddenly alone, it's more like "I'm free! Now what. Hmmm. Wow. I'm empty nested. I live alone. I can watch whatever I want on TV. I can blast the stereo. I CAN MAKE MY OWN DECISIONS!!! Like Tami, buying a new car. I did that, too. The old family "road trip" car was much too big for me. I moved to a new state (out of necessity), but the major decisions that came with selling a home, moving, making legal decisions, settling a complicated estate, were all things I had no idea I could do.
So, while mens lives don't change much other than the one they depended on for basic necessities is gone; women's lives are suddenly liberated and the feeling is exhilarating. That doesn't diminish the grief, loneliness, sorrow, hole in the heart, horrific sorrow that we feel for the rest of our lives, but there is a learning curve many of us experience that teaches us we are so much stronger than we ever thought we could be, and that's liberating. We come through the experience having learned so much, and grown so much, that we're not the same women our husbands would recognize should they miraculously come back from the dead.
Agree to everything you wrote, Marcy. My husband would not appreciate the woman I am becoming.
The reason my Dad never remarried was because HE had been the homemaker after my Mom broke her back. Plus he was the youngest boy of 6 kids and he hung around the kitchen with my grandmother and then hiring out in the galley when he was in the Navy. He was a signalman but enjoyed watching/helping Cookie. So he didn't NEED to find another wife, he could take care of himself and me too when I left my 2nd husband.
Agree to everything you wrote, Marcy. My husband would not appreciate the woman I am becoming.
The reason my Dad never remarried was because HE had been the homemaker after my Mom broke her back. Plus he was the youngest boy of 6 kids and he hung around the kitchen with my grandmother and then hiring out in the galley when he was in the Navy. He was a signalman but enjoyed watching/helping Cookie. So he didn't NEED to find another wife, he could take care of himself and me too when I left my 2nd husband.
Tami...I can relate. My Dad knew how to cook and clean and wash and "do everything" around the house. So, he took good care of himself after my Mom died. (Until he developed Alzheimers a few years later.)...My Dad never thought about dating. My "last" husband was a lot like my Dad. He cooked and cleaned and "did everything" around the house...I'm the one who is lacking when it comes to certain skills! But, oh well! I still don't want to start dating...I'm learning new things as I go along. (Slowly, but surely!)
I think men tend to remarry quickly. I've known a few widowers, and they've all actively started dating, i.e. "seeking new wife" within a couple of months. I don't think it's because they didn't love the lost wife with all their heart, I think it's because most of them, at least the one's of my generation or older, aren't used to being on their own. Most went from high school to college, some to Viet Nam, back home, got married, raised families, and then, when suddenly alone, don't know what to do. They need someone to do the cooking, the laundry, the cleaning, etc. And they don't like to be alone, for the most part.
Women, on the other hand, usually have gone from mom & dad to college, or boyfriend to marriage, kids, family, and even if they worked, still made dinner, did laundry, cleaned house, took care of the kids, etc., so when they're suddenly alone, it's more like "I'm free! Now what. Hmmm. Wow. I'm empty nested. I live alone. I can watch whatever I want on TV. I can blast the stereo. I CAN MAKE MY OWN DECISIONS!!! Like Tami, buying a new car. I did that, too. The old family "road trip" car was much too big for me. I moved to a new state (out of necessity), but the major decisions that came with selling a home, moving, making legal decisions, settling a complicated estate, were all things I had no idea I could do.
So, while mens lives don't change much other than the one they depended on for basic necessities is gone; women's lives are suddenly liberated and the feeling is exhilarating. That doesn't diminish the grief, loneliness, sorrow, hole in the heart, horrific sorrow that we feel for the rest of our lives, but there is a learning curve many of us experience that teaches us we are so much stronger than we ever thought we could be, and that's liberating. We come through the experience having learned so much, and grown so much, that we're not the same women our husbands would recognize should they miraculously come back from the dead.
Great post Marcy!...The male friend that I've been helping is a little more "old school" compared to my husband...He knows that I'm not interested in dating him. (Or anyone.)...But, every now and then, he brings up widows (we both know) who have started to date. I tell him that we're all different, and all unique individuals...I'm not the "answer" to his "prayers." It's obvious that he's used to being in control. And, we'd fight like "cats and dogs" if we tried to form a "union."...My husband and I were both easy-going with each other. No one tried to dominate or take ultimate control...Anyway, my friend needs some help with his medical conditions right now. And, I don't mind helping him. (Strictly as a friend.)
I remarried three months after suddenly losing my beloved wife of 47 years. I still love her but she is gone. Death breaks the marriage bond according to my faith and belief. I will always have great memories. My best friend went into the matchmaking mode and I connected with a wonderful woman. Love at first sight. Not a clone of my deceased wife. Nothing alike except in solid character. Some people resented me marrying so soon and still do. Cannot help that. I am blessed to have another mate and partner whom I can love and depend upon and she with me. No regrets. I think I would have given up on life had I not made the call to remarry. I am re energized and living life again. One size does not fit all but make your own decisions and be open to possibilities. I listen to no one who has not experienced the loss of a wife they worshipped.
I recently started dating a man who lost his wife seven months ago. He very serious about finding a spouse and wants me with him almost daily. I have a growing business and find it difficult to meet his need for company. What makes me curious is he show no emotion about his lose and does not give me any insight as to how he's processed the grief. Just feel like somethings off and can't put my finger on it. Wondering if he's just looking to avoid the sadness by filling the void he feels very demanding of my time.
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I finally have a car I am totally happy with.
Dating a widower
