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Maybe off topic, but I grieve the loss of what our civilization has built for centuries. See Are we turning into animals, courtesy of Covid-19? The combination of "cancel culture", bail reform and lockdowns are rapidly destroying what has made the West great.
Maybe off topic, but I grieve the loss of what our civilization has built for centuries. See Are we turning into animals, courtesy of Covid-19? The combination of "cancel culture", bail reform and lockdowns are rapidly destroying what has made the West great.
I agree.
I happen to be in the market for some new bedding. Honestly, I'd prefer to look at things in person rather than online because I am picky about the way something is made, so I got out and about yesterday and looked in three big, formerly successful stores. NADA. I mean, inventory on just about everything was zilch. The stores looked strangely bare.
Went out to eat because I was out - and the restaurant, at lunch time, on a Friday, was nearly bare. Limited menu options too. It was depressing.
Apparently we're in this pandemic for the long haul and I am not sure yet where or how it will all end but one thing seems sure - businesses can't keep going like this. It's terrible.
My daughter lives in Europe, in Germany. It's similar there. I'd like to visit her but I haven't been able to go there without two weeks of quarantining and dealing with everything being shut down, in a year now. She had prepaid and booked a trip to the UK for her daughter's graduation, but of course that didn't happen. I was talking about just coming to see her and heck, let's quarantine if we have to, but she discouraged that, saying that there are so many restrictions AFTER quarantine that we may as well just stay home.
You are describing why this state of affairs is unbearable. It is one thing to want to avoid a premature reopening to aid one candidate in an election; it's another thing to be willing to piddle along this way for any time. Not everyone feels this way. This morning I was on my synagogue's Torah Study by Zoom. It was led by a cantor (basically a singing Rabbi) who started this past June and who I never met. I stated, during the "shmooze" time between the religious service and the start of studying that I hoped to meet her in person, and doubted that would occur before (Jewish year) 5783. 5782 starts this September 6. She said "she hoped it would be in 5782" and I stated I see no movement in that direction.
The conversation was cut off, apparently since my remarks were deemed "divisive." But to summary, we need to be back in person in more things.
In my OP I talked about "loss of dreams." For me, the "dreams" referred to are very specific: Of a healthy, happy, fun, functional, loving family.
You sound so sensible. You want what my daughter had - and she threw it away. She has made up a childhood that never existed and accused us of some fairly heinous transgressions. When I say "us" I mean her dad and two sisters and extended family. She used social media to air her complaints and everyone and anyone who knew us said, 'WTF'? So she ditched us all rather than account for herself. She complains to strangers who embrace her victimhood. No one who knows her and her family understands this.
No one dwells on it anymore either. It has been accepted in the family that she is just lost to us. That is hard for me to do. I loved that child and still do. She is now in her mid-30s and talks about having a "chosen family".
I hope you find your dream someday, maybe with a family of your own. My own family life wasn't too good and it was my goal to have a family and do it right. During her growing-up years and into college, we were a great family. We all share wonderful memories, funny stories and lots of love. This particular daughter rejected all of it because being a victim was more attractive. I guess.
And I have to make myself do this, but I do nearly every day and afterward I am always glad I took the time to do it:
I sit in a favorite rocking chair, and I hug myself (if that makes sense, put my arms around my chest), and I pat each arm audibly as I rock. This is like patting a baby's back to get them to go to sleep, or something like that. It's the universal self comfort pose. I close my eyes and breathe in through my nose and out through my mouth and rock and pat.
The first few times I did this, all I did was cry. Now I don't often cry. And it ALWAYS makes me feel better. Every single time.
I usually do it right before I go to bed, and it seems to really help settle my mind.
Dogs are so awesome by the way. I think my dogs really do feel a lot of empathy for me and God knows I need it. Especially my big, old black Lab - she is always so attune to how I feel. She exists only to give me love and healing I believe. It was very, very traumatic for her to cause me to trip and break my elbow. She was absolutely mortified. Even though I was laying in the hospital thinking about how to kill her humanely, I also knew I wasn't going to do that of course. Hey, I was on morphine. Anyway, here's the crazy thing. Since I tripped over her in October, she has stayed completely out of my way when I'm walking. Right now, I'm sitting and she's laying at my feet, but I promise you that when I get up, she is going to move like greased lightning to get out of my way. But she'll still be watching me for any possible needs. She is so precious.
This is very smart. I have just started crossing my arms in the shower, rocking back (sideways) and rotating hitting arms with hands (hard to describe, but basically hugging yourself and while you are doing it, hitting each arm in rotation while rocking from side-to-side).
I don't know exactly how it works, but I learned of it as an EMDR left-brain, right brain exercise, and it really helps balance the brain in the moment). Sounds very similar to what you do.
I've read through the whole thread, and feel very sorry for so many losses expressed here, I think back to the Sopranos' episode where Tony and Gloria are walking through the Zoo together, and she gives Tony the Cliff Notes on Buddhism by stating, "The first Noble Truth is that Life is Suffering. But the Buddha preached, "Joyful Participation in the Sorrows of the World"".
I think that new sorrows are reinforced and tend to dredge up memories of past sorrows, especially unresolved ones. To quote WarDaddy from "Fury", "Red has us all a little sad right now". Red being Covid, and really, all of 2020. Obviously, it is only an adder for those who have experienced recent and deep losses.
In six pages, though, I'm a bit surprised no one has gone into unrequited or Lost Love. In my own case, I didn't want it to end, but she did, and she was right - I was a Bad Guy back then, and to be honest, losing her is what made me turn my life around, and do the hard work to become the kind of person she would have stuck with at the time, or at least I like to think so. It's been forty years, and there's been no one else for me. So in many ways, I'm envious of the life of someone like Kathryn, even though she's hurting so badly now, and appreciate her willingness to share her pain. I myself don't like to talk about it, I just live with it. The passage of time has given me perspective, but not acceptance. I strive for "joyful participation in the sorrows of the world", I guess. I'm very grateful for my own dogs, pains-in-the-ass that they are.
This is very smart. I have just started crossing my arms in the shower, rocking back (sideways) and rotating hitting arms with hands (hard to describe, but basically hugging yourself and while you are doing it, hitting each arm in rotation while rocking from side-to-side).
I don't know exactly how it works, but I learned of it as an EMDR left-brain, right brain exercise, and it really helps balance the brain in the moment). Sounds very similar to what you do.
It does and wow is it ever helpful!
My grief counselor taught me another method to handle stress and wow, it's helpful too! She said "Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth, but clinch your throat so that the outward breath sounds like the ocean." That's the best description I can come up with, but wow, does it ever work!
I've read through the whole thread, and feel very sorry for so many losses expressed here, I think back to the Sopranos' episode where Tony and Gloria are walking through the Zoo together, and she gives Tony the Cliff Notes on Buddhism by stating, "The first Noble Truth is that Life is Suffering. But the Buddha preached, "Joyful Participation in the Sorrows of the World"".
I think that new sorrows are reinforced and tend to dredge up memories of past sorrows, especially unresolved ones. To quote WarDaddy from "Fury", "Red has us all a little sad right now". Red being Covid, and really, all of 2020. Obviously, it is only an adder for those who have experienced recent and deep losses.
In six pages, though, I'm a bit surprised no one has gone into unrequited or Lost Love. In my own case, I didn't want it to end, but she did, and she was right - I was a Bad Guy back then, and to be honest, losing her is what made me turn my life around, and do the hard work to become the kind of person she would have stuck with at the time, or at least I like to think so. It's been forty years, and there's been no one else for me. So in many ways, I'm envious of the life of someone like Kathryn, even though she's hurting so badly now, and appreciate her willingness to share her pain. I myself don't like to talk about it, I just live with it. The passage of time has given me perspective, but not acceptance. I strive for "joyful participation in the sorrows of the world", I guess. I'm very grateful for my own dogs, pains-in-the-ass that they are.
Not exactly the same, but after my divorce, I was telling a friend how I still felt so much sorrow, even though I'd known for years that the marriage was hopeless (husband had addictions) and I was relieved and that my life was so much better once I was able to get him out of it.
She said, "You are mourning what you hoped for but never had." That was it. I'd hoped for a home, children, not some perfect life, just the plain comfortable family life that so many others seem to have come so easily to them. I did have one child, and I am grateful for her (now an adult) but it was an enormous pill to swallow that it was too late to ever have that which I'd always assumed I could have. I did heal, though, and I learned to move forward and see what was going to be instead.
My grief counselor taught me another method to handle stress and wow, it's helpful too! She said "Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth, but clinch your throat so that the outward breath sounds like the ocean." That's the best description I can come up with, but wow, does it ever work!
I find myself doing that a lot in traffic - LOL.
Wonderful technique.
I use 4/7/8 breathing: Breathe in through the mouth for four, hold it for seven, exhale for eight. It's very relaxing.
I've read through the whole thread, and feel very sorry for so many losses expressed here, I think back to the Sopranos' episode where Tony and Gloria are walking through the Zoo together, and she gives Tony the Cliff Notes on Buddhism by stating, "The first Noble Truth is that Life is Suffering. But the Buddha preached, "Joyful Participation in the Sorrows of the World"".
I think that new sorrows are reinforced and tend to dredge up memories of past sorrows, especially unresolved ones. To quote WarDaddy from "Fury", "Red has us all a little sad right now". Red being Covid, and really, all of 2020. Obviously, it is only an adder for those who have experienced recent and deep losses.
In six pages, though, I'm a bit surprised no one has gone into unrequited or Lost Love. In my own case, I didn't want it to end, but she did, and she was right - I was a Bad Guy back then, and to be honest, losing her is what made me turn my life around, and do the hard work to become the kind of person she would have stuck with at the time, or at least I like to think so. It's been forty years, and there's been no one else for me. So in many ways, I'm envious of the life of someone like Kathryn, even though she's hurting so badly now, and appreciate her willingness to share her pain. I myself don't like to talk about it, I just live with it. The passage of time has given me perspective, but not acceptance. I strive for "joyful participation in the sorrows of the world", I guess. I'm very grateful for my own dogs, pains-in-the-ass that they are.
This is a big issue for me. I had one lost love that I was grieving and grieving for and after a year-and-a-half of crying on my long commute, I said to myself: "That's it. That's enough. This has got to end." I pushed down my grief, and in doing so, I have been numb ever since.
I am working on this numbness now in therapy and there's a lot of stuff down there I did not grieve that I am resolving now.
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