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The video was good. I wrote down the 3 points and will refer to them often.
Thank you for sharing!
Yes, it was so good. I mean, it really resonated with me.
One thing I find myself doing throughout the entire day is rewording my thoughts - first I express my feelings in words, and then if necessary, I reword them to focus more on acceptance, and the positive. I firmly believe that, like the speaker said in the video, we can control many of our responses to things that happen in our lives. I used to be a corporate sales trainer and one thing I used to drill into peoples' heads was that we need to smile even when we don't feel like smiling - and soon we will realize that the smile is genuine. I mean, that's just a basic sales process but generally speaking, if we smile first we end up realizing that we have something to smile about - not the other way around.
I used to have people who were making calls to clients sit in front of a mirror and actually look at their own face when they were making the calls. I would tell them "Consciously SMILE." And when they did, the smile came through in their voice and in their interactions. It was a conscious decision on their part - it wasn't FAKE but it was a shift in their mindset and it worked.
I'm not saying fake it, but what I am saying is find the positive - it's in there somewhere.
A good example is that I was nearly crying when I was talking with my grief counselor, and I was telling her "I feel like I am even a terrible DOG MOTHER. I am not giving my dogs the level of love and attention they are used to!" She said, "Reword that." I was absolutely stumped. I didn't know how to reword it. So she said "Say this - I am giving my dogs all the love I can give them right now." And that's the truth. I love my dogs. In fact, the night before my appointment with my grief counselor, I had actually gotten up out of the bed and gotten on the floor and loved on my two big mutt dogs. But what did I feel the next day? Guilt! Guilt at not giving them my all, all day every day. I wasn't focused at all on the fact that my love had compelled me to get up out of my comfortable bed, and get down on the floor and love on my two dogs. I was more focused on less rather than more if that makes sense. What I wasn't doing rather than what I was doing.
I'm my own worst enemy sometimes. But it's a mindset switch and it takes conscious effort on my part. But when I do it, it really works!
If your husband's essence survived his passing from this life, then it's likely that yours will, too. My guess is that if he loved you, he would not want you to feel sadness at his passing, but to look forward to any future reunion.
As to how all of this works, it's above my pay grade, Iris DeMent said it much better than I ever could:
If I believe in a relationship of some sort with the deceased person, should it be one based on his death or on his life?
How about its based on your life, just at present without him, even as you had a life without him prior to your relationship commencing?
This past season I have seen a number of people die. One was a dear individual who had a life and employment overseas. He was very much a family man, relatively subdued, but his presence was a true benefit to all he met. We connected occasionally across time through family celebrations, but his passing was a numbing experience. Towards the end, I realized that I could better process this by considering him gone again on another job, but it was likely I wouldn't revisit him again unless we wound up in the same place. I shared this with his wife (who often traveled without him) and it seems to have carried her into the present. I am carrying on a LDR with someone I felt was a soulmate. She gave her blessing as we parted, but she always described the leaving like a deployment, and during deployment you sometimes change as a person, better or worse, and if the relationship is to be vital, you change with it.
You now have a life without a partner. No, I cannot imagine a partner would desire permanent bereavement. They would not have allowed it in their life as you were together, so I wouldn't foresee that at present, though they were not physically in your current sphere. How will you build your life into the future? Where will you go? What do you want to see now? What will you do? I see it kind of like being 'off-leash.' A relationship is not constricting, but you sometimes limit yourself in favor of the other, as a concession. Within this same frame, you now are boundless, even as your partner is boundless, and in having your own life, you will continue to grow, reach, and develop as only you can designate. This is not (brutally) without him, but almost like filling him in after each adventure, never leaving him, but similar to writing notes home or making calls or placing texts - 'I will keep you updated on my journey, and I will continue the adventure of life until I return to you.'
For those who believe in an afterlife, this may be a comforting approach to functioning within the frame of an ongoing relationship with someone who's departed. Because they are not really 'gone,' but the form of their energy has changed, and you simply have merely stopped seeing them in your present. It may be a refreshing way of moving on without leaving their memories behind, but it also keeps them in mind as you make progress from their point of death into a future.
I appreciate your sharing from the depths of your being. Keep us updated.
These posts are so inspirational! Thank you for taking time. Nearly all of them have a special message that touches me. It's nice to know I'm not alone.
I love to read about peoples' life paths and the good choices they make to enrich themselves to the max. We get one life and I want to learn how to extract all it has to offer.
There is no one and no thing that can make me feel as miserable as my own negative thinking. I like to think, Rain all you want on my parade if it's rain we're going to have. I'm going to go ahead and have a parade in the rain, anyway.
How about its based on your life, just at present without him, even as you had a life without him prior to your relationship commencing?
This past season I have seen a number of people die. One was a dear individual who had a life and employment overseas. He was very much a family man, relatively subdued, but his presence was a true benefit to all he met. We connected occasionally across time through family celebrations, but his passing was a numbing experience. Towards the end, I realized that I could better process this by considering him gone again on another job, but it was likely I wouldn't revisit him again unless we wound up in the same place. I shared this with his wife (who often traveled without him) and it seems to have carried her into the present. I am carrying on a LDR with someone I felt was a soulmate. She gave her blessing as we parted, but she always described the leaving like a deployment, and during deployment you sometimes change as a person, better or worse, and if the relationship is to be vital, you change with it.
You now have a life without a partner. No, I cannot imagine a partner would desire permanent bereavement. They would not have allowed it in their life as you were together, so I wouldn't foresee that at present, though they were not physically in your current sphere. How will you build your life into the future? Where will you go? What do you want to see now? What will you do? I see it kind of like being 'off-leash.' A relationship is not constricting, but you sometimes limit yourself in favor of the other, as a concession. Within this same frame, you now are boundless, even as your partner is boundless, and in having your own life, you will continue to grow, reach, and develop as only you can designate. This is not (brutally) without him, but almost like filling him in after each adventure, never leaving him, but similar to writing notes home or making calls or placing texts - 'I will keep you updated on my journey, and I will continue the adventure of life until I return to you.'
For those who believe in an afterlife, this may be a comforting approach to functioning within the frame of an ongoing relationship with someone who's departed. Because they are not really 'gone,' but the form of their energy has changed, and you simply have merely stopped seeing them in your present. It may be a refreshing way of moving on without leaving their memories behind, but it also keeps them in mind as you make progress from their point of death into a future.
I appreciate your sharing from the depths of your being. Keep us updated.
Thank you!
I agree with a lot of what you've written by the way. Especially the part about being "unleashed." One of my life mottos is "Never UNNECESSARILY limit your options." I added "unnecessarily" because of course we choose to limit our own options as life progresses - for instance, in marriage or a job or a school choice or whatever, but that's because it's time to limit our options voluntarily typically. So I have more options now in a way and that's a little scary but also freeing if that makes sense.
I also agree that I have to rebuild my life without my partner - but I was just talking about the RELATIONSHIP with a deceased loved one. Believing in an afterlife, I do believe that my relationship with him is ongoing but on a very different level.
As for the deployment, or "gone on a business trip" scenario, I don't personally go for that set of emotions because I don't think it's reality. My husband isn't gone on a business trip or a deployment - he's dead to this world. He's not coming back home ever. I have accepted this. I am now in the process of rebuilding my life in this world without him here by my side. And like you said, it's not like I was born with him - I wasn't. He didn't even enter my life till my early 40s.
So yes, life goes on, and get this - today was the very first morning that I didn't wake up thinking "He's gone." I also didn't wake up thinking "My arm hurts." Both thoughts came to me later, when I was more fully awake and actually up, and that was a relief. I hope to continue to build on that.
These posts are so inspirational! Thank you for taking time. Nearly all of them have a special message that touches me. It's nice to know I'm not alone.
I love to read about peoples' life paths and the good choices they make to enrich themselves to the max. We get one life and I want to learn how to extract all it has to offer.
There is no one and no thing that can make me feel as miserable as my own negative thinking. I like to think, Rain all you want on my parade if it's rain we're going to have. I'm going to go ahead and have a parade in the rain, anyway.
I read something really profound the other day. I read that "Do we want grief or a sense of an ongoing relationship with the deceased person?" That really made me stop and think, not just of my own goals but also, since I do believe in an afterlife, of the expectations of the person who has left this life. Do they want me to be perpetually sad? If I believe in a relationship of some sort with the deceased person, should it be one based on his death or on his life?
It was easier to get to this point, albeit though it wasn't even conscious, with my parents. It's a lot harder to get there with my husband's death, but I think the actual, conscious thought is helpful. Do I believe he wants me to perpetually grieve, or do I believe he wants me to continue living and to take joy in life? If I continue living, I choose to continue to grow and develop as a person - and this person will be without him living in my life. Right now, five months out, this makes me sad and the years seem to just stretch before me, but I do believe I have SOME control over this mindset. Not all control, but some control.
I am learning how to incorporate the reality of not just his death but also his life into my ongoing life. I already consider him to be a great blessing in my life, which is a step in the right direction.
My motto for the year of 2021 is just one simple word - "Accept." It's not "Resign myself." It's not "Keep memories alive" even. It's just "Accept." It's tougher than I imagined, but I'm working on it.
Gosh, I totally agree with this and can't imagine anyone holding up Queen Victoria of all people as a paragon of how to handle grief in a healthy manner. Wow, she seemed crazy when it comes to grief.
I agree with you on basically all of this post, and I specifically want to point out that your analogy of the coat is very on point to me. I don't like that coat and it's not attractive on me either. I want no part of it.
I once read that Queen Victoria also often drank tea made of coca leaves for her "melancholy". Don't really recommend that, either.
Today was a good day. I felt good, I wasn't awash with memories (in part because I "reclaimed" my bathroom - which really helped), and my arm didn't hurt all day like it usually does.
It's funny how my heart and my arm are sort of on the same sheet of music.
Anyway, it's not that I am not remembering my husband, but what I was able to do today was live my life with him in the background rather than the foreground. I've had inklings of this in the past but today it was more like a solid mindset. Not sure how I will feel tomorrow but today was nice. I'll take it as it comes!
I still have estate drama with the stupid truck going on - I never imagined it would be this difficult to GIVE a very nice truck to someone, but apparently it is. Oh well - the truck isn't costing me anything for it to sit there and I'm about to lower the insurance to having it simply stored, which will be negligible. If it's still sitting here when it's time for me to sell the house, I'll just sell the truck I guess. Anyway, I am not going to allow my stepson and his mother to reel me into their ongoing drama and ridiculous monetary issues. My husband wouldn't want this either so I'm not going to do it. So the truck sits in my driveway and that's that. I am glad I don't have to fret over it significantly right now.
My stepson texted me nearly three hours ago and said "Can I call you in a bit? I am feeling overwhelmed and don't know what to do," and I said "Of course!" but he hasn't called and he has till tomorrow to text me proof of insurance so he can GO AHEAD AND JUST GET THIS TRUCK, which I'm sure he wants me to pay (but I am not going to - he's a grown ass man). Oh well. He has plenty of money to party, to drink, to smoke, to buy drugs - but no money to buy vehicle insurance I guess. Priorities.
The thing is, I've been through my own hell this year. He doesn't need to add to my problems. I'm just now finding a balance and an interest in living and forging my own life. I have fought for every shred of this peace of mind and am disinclined to give it up.
I think I was about a year in when I realized that I could just now simply miss my late husband. It wasn’t wrapped up with a whole bunch of other feelings about his passing, anger over the stuff he left me with, the stuff I wanted to do with him for memories. There were expectations that would never get met that I had to let go. I finally worked my way through them and I let them go.
I called my sister and I was talking to her about it and I said it’s just it’s different now. I just get to really really miss him without all the other crap — it feels so much better and worse.
__________________ Solly says — Be nice!
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Solly says — Be nice!
