This was so profound a thought, I felt it merited its own thread!
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I read something really profound the other day. I read that "Do we want grief or a sense of an ongoing relationship with the deceased person?" That really made me stop and think, not just of my own goals but also, since I do believe in an afterlife, of the expectations of the person who has left this life. Do they want me to be perpetually sad? If I believe in a relationship of some sort with the deceased person, should it be one based on his death or on his life?
It was easier to get to this point, albeit though it wasn't even conscious, with my parents. It's a lot harder to get there with my husband's death, but I think the actual, conscious thought is helpful. Do I believe he wants me to perpetually grieve, or do I believe he wants me to continue living and to take joy in life? If I continue living, I choose to continue to grow and develop as a person - and this person will be without him living in my life. Right now, five months out, this makes me sad and the years seem to just stretch before me, but I do believe I have SOME control over this mindset. Not all control, but some control.
I am learning how to incorporate the reality of not just his death but also his life into my ongoing life. I already consider him to be a great blessing in my life, which is a step in the right direction.
My motto for the year of 2021 is just one simple word - "Accept." It's not "Resign myself." It's not "Keep memories alive" even. It's just "Accept." It's tougher than I imagined, but I'm working on it.
I would agree with this if only from the standpoint that so many people feel guilty when they start to think less about the person and start to "get back to normal". That they are somehow "forgetting" them and of course they don't want to do that. It's a very complicated feeling and hard to balance. I hope you keep looking inward and outward to find your way.
I would agree with this if only from the standpoint that so many people feel guilty when they start to think less about the person and start to "get back to normal". That they are somehow "forgetting" them and of course they don't want to do that. It's a very complicated feeling and hard to balance. I hope you keep looking inward and outward to find your way.
I am, thank you. Right now I spend time every day, off and on throughout the day, seriously thinking through these things, and cleaning house emotionally and mentally if that makes sense. For instance, I can be feeling vaguely blue (often, actually) but if I sit down and actually ponder what is making me feel blue, sometimes it's just a way of thinking subconsciously that is not healthy. And sometimes I am just missing him - and it helps to talk with him, or sort of change directions emotionally if that makes sense, to redirect my emotions and my thoughts. Sometimes I have to make a concerted effort to think and feel in a more productive way if that makes sense. And sometimes I feel overwhelmed with sorrow or just a sense of being lonely or blue or whatever, and all I can do is imagine just laying my entire life in the lap of Jesus. I don't pray in words at those times - I just imagine laying my burdens down if that makes sense. And then invariably I do feel better.
The other day, I suddenly realized that every time I walked into my master bathroom, I felt awash with sadness, and I began missing him terribly. Then I realized with a start that I had our initials hung up side by side and it was the first thing I was seeing basically. I took those down and put up a wall hanging that I actually like that doesn't really remind me of him, but just of me, and now I feel better every time I go into the master bath. I mean, I actually hadn't thought about any of that till the other day, I was just so used to seeing the bathroom put together a certain way.
Now I am going to go into the master closet and box up his hats and things like that, because I just realized they are making me sad too.
I don't know how many of you watch the TED talks on YouTube, but, there are many that are educational and/or motivational. One that I ran across awhile back that has special meaning for me is by a young lady who lost her daughter in a car accident. She advises--first of all-acceptance, second-attention to things you can change, and 3-are your actions helping or harming?
I read something really profound the other day. I read that "Do we want grief or a sense of an ongoing relationship with the deceased person?" That really made me stop and think, not just of my own goals but also, since I do believe in an afterlife, of the expectations of the person who has left this life. Do they want me to be perpetually sad? If I believe in a relationship of some sort with the deceased person, should it be one based on his death or on his life?
It was easier to get to this point, albeit though it wasn't even conscious, with my parents. It's a lot harder to get there with my husband's death, but I think the actual, conscious thought is helpful. Do I believe he wants me to perpetually grieve, or do I believe he wants me to continue living and to take joy in life? If I continue living, I choose to continue to grow and develop as a person - and this person will be without him living in my life. Right now, five months out, this makes me sad and the years seem to just stretch before me, but I do believe I have SOME control over this mindset. Not all control, but some control.
I am learning how to incorporate the reality of not just his death but also his life into my ongoing life. I already consider him to be a great blessing in my life, which is a step in the right direction.
My motto for the year of 2021 is just one simple word - "Accept." It's not "Resign myself." It's not "Keep memories alive" even. It's just "Accept." It's tougher than I imagined, but I'm working on it.
A friend of mine on Facebook and in real life, shared a picture of Queen Victoria with me and talked about her inner strength and comparing it to mine with how I faced losing my husband. And I actually replied oh yes Queen Victoria. Pretty much the poster child on how not to do this.
And then I explained that she sat in mourning the rest of her life which was 40 years. And forced her children to do that until they could get out from under her. There’s all these theories that she had special friends like John Brown. Don’t think there’s any proof, just a lot of chatter.
My sister and I often talk about grief. And she tells me that she knows people who wrap themselves in it, and refuse to come out. That for years they wear their grief like it’s a coat. I don’t wanna do that. I worked hard to not do that. Mainly because I promised my husband that I wouldn’t do that.
Through his short illness, we only really talked 2 1/2 weeks until his brain surgery because after the brain surgery he no longer knew he was going to die and he was OK with staying at home and watching television. He was only worried about me. And that I would be OK. I promised I would be. Then he said that he didn’t want to suffer, and he didn’t want to linger, and he didn’t want to spend all our money.
And he didn’t.
It may sound crazy, but I feel almost bound to live the best life I can live without him to honor him.
The whole saga of his illness, beginning to end — was 10 months, one week and one day.
OK so I just moved his personal items in the closet to the guest room closet. I feel better, like I'm taking charge of my own life instead of being buffeted by reminders constantly. I mean, I already AM reminded of him throughout the day -there's no point in allowing things to make me sadder or miss him more.
I have had to make sure everything of his was behind the door anyway, and sometimes things weren't completely hidden from view. And that was OK for awhile but now it's not feeling OK. It's feeling like they are making me sadder than I have to be.
Three things in particular were making me sad every time I saw them - the initials on the wall, the boots he died in, and the bag of items from the funeral home. I put all of those things away - I didn't throw them away, but I put them away.
I left some items out but maybe I will put them away one day, who knows? I left out a mug thing of his that has a bear on it (his spirit animal) and I left out some photos of the two of us together, that are sitting on a shelf where I can see them every day, in the closet. Actually this shelf has pictures and items from my dad, my brother, and my husband - People I have loved who are gone now. I put some things of his from that shelf away but there are still a few things out. So far I feel OK about them. The pictures make me smile - he looks so happy in them. They are a positive reminder of the fun we always had together and of the joy that my family brought him (two of the photos are with other family members). The little ash holder shaped like a heart, sitting on a stand, is something that I just treasure and hold and kiss it sometimes - I'm not ready yet to put it away and I feel fine with that.
A friend of mine on Facebook and in real life, shared a picture of Queen Victoria with me and talked about her inner strength and comparing it to mine with how I faced losing my husband. And I actually replied oh yes Queen Victoria. Pretty much the poster child on how not to do this.
And then I explained that she sat in mourning the rest of her life which was 40 years. And forced her children to do that until they could get out from under her. There’s all these theories that she had special friends like John Brown. Don’t think there’s any proof, just a lot of chatter.
My sister and I often talk about grief. And she tells me that she knows people who wrap themselves in it, and refuse to come out. That for years they wear their grief like it’s a coat. I don’t wanna do that. I worked hard to not do that. Mainly because I promised my husband that I wouldn’t do that.
Through his short illness, we only really talked 2 1/2 weeks until his brain surgery because after the brain surgery he no longer knew he was going to die and he was OK with staying at home and watching television. He was only worried about me. And that I would be OK. I promised I would be. Then he said that he didn’t want to suffer, and he didn’t want to linger, and he didn’t want to spend all our money.
And he didn’t.
It may sound crazy, but I feel almost bound to live the best life I can live without him to honor him.
The whole saga of his illness, beginning to end — was 10 months, one week and one day.
Gosh, I totally agree with this and can't imagine anyone holding up Queen Victoria of all people as a paragon of how to handle grief in a healthy manner. Wow, she seemed crazy when it comes to grief.
I agree with you on basically all of this post, and I specifically want to point out that your analogy of the coat is very on point to me. I don't like that coat and it's not attractive on me either. I want no part of it.
OK, I agree totally that life holds adversity so why would we expect anything different? I am good to go in that regard. Like the person in the video, I have never thought "Why me?" I have never felt like a victim. So far so good on the resilience scale.
On the second point - Resilient people realistically appraise situations and they know what they can and cannot change. They don't diminish the negative but they also tune into the good. This really resonates with me. Choose life, not death. Don't lose what you have to what you have lost. WOW. That resonates. Find something to be grateful for, even in the midst of loss. This takes discipline but it works. "Accept the good." I love that. It's OK. In fact, I think it's great.
"Is what I'm doing helping or harming me?" I need to memorize that and apply it. I hadn't thought about it specifically but it makes so much sense. I think that's my next lesson to learn and apply. For instance, putting his things away. That helps me. Throwing them away wouldn't have helped, but putting them away helps me. And this can be applied to anything really.
I love it. Thank you so much for sharing that video! Well worth watching.
The video was good. I wrote down the 3 points and will refer to them often.
Thank you for sharing!
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Solly says — Be nice!
