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I don't know how many of you watch the TED talks on YouTube, but, there are many that are educational and/or motivational. One that I ran across awhile back that has special meaning for me is by a young lady who lost her daughter in a car accident. She advises--first of all-acceptance, second-attention to things you can change, and 3-are your actions helping or harming?
This is a wonderful video. I will follow the 3 suggestions and see where they take me. It's been almost a year since my son passed away. The shock of his sudden death has gotten easier to bear, but a day doesn't go by when I don't think about him and I know, deep inside, this is not healthy for me. Thank you for posting the video.
I am so sorry about your son.
I don't know that it's unhealthy though to remember your son each day. From what I hear, it's normal.
I like the question "Is this harmful or healthy for me?" as applied to everything. EVERYTHING. This takes discipline but I really like it. Excellent video!
I am 13 years down this road and doing quite well and feel adjusted to my life. Sunday was our 45th anniversary and I came upon a photo of us on a backpacking trip in 1975, the summer before we were married. The photo caught me unprepared and I was suddenly overcome and it took me a while to recover. I have seen that picture a hundred times but it touched me then more than before, at least in recent years.
I have opted for a single-person existence -- not solitary or in grief but simply independent and reinvented in a new place and new life. My wife knew me better than anyone and would have understood and supported that decision. We both lived alone before we were married and she certainly knew I could cope. She knew and loved me first as a single and independent person. My wife had never seen my current house but we were already planning on moving to this city. We had been together over half my life. Much of the furniture and the paintings and even dishes in my house were acquired during our marriage so I live around things that were familiar to us both but now is simply my stuff. (I actually have four generations of stuff that came down to us.)
Almost a year after her passing, I joined a grief management group for a while and there were several people that felt a strong link to the lost relative. I would say even a presence. This was a church-based group (not mine) but the group leader cited some ideas and theories that there was a thin veil separating us from the afterlife and that sometimes it briefly parts or has gaps that might allow connecting glimpses to pass through. My own church is very conservative but my pastor's explanation was that "time", as we experience it, is a human invention and perception and that even though we are experiencing "life" we may already be in "heaven" (or afterlife) on a different level of existence. At any rate, it is beyond our level of understanding. That was a startling revelation coming from a pastor I had known for 20 years and in an odd way it gave me some peace.
The journey from grief to something else, perhaps healing, takes a while. Grief became, for me, an all too familiar companion. An entity. There was a hole that it occupied that I could not fill. It was first like my ever-present shadow, then like a pet dog or a close friend, and finally some presence that moved into the far shadows. It would show up occasionally at that point but not often. My recent experience with the photograph, and the anniversary date, shows me that it can still reach out after so many years.
Thank you for sharing this. Very meaningful and thought provoking. The statement about grief becoming a familiar companion, an 'entity' speaks volumes. I am so sorry for you loss of your wife, truly.
I've lost friends, loved ones and pets but I've never lost a life partner so I don't know what that experience is like. I know that it must be different. I try to imagine what some of you have dealt with but it's not easy to relate.
Grief as a familiar companion is something I can understand and I've tried to put a more positive connotation on grief's comings and goings than I once had. I try not to dread and fear it as I once did but instead to look at it as a housekeeper of sorts, running on its own schedule and popping up unexpectedly when I'm least expecting to drop what I'm doing and attend to grief time.
I've grieved enough loves to know that that is how it functions. I learned at age four with my first kitten that loving means some day grieving. It takes courage to love and it takes courage to face grief.
I don't get to pick when I pay attention to loss. I've also learned from my own aversion to feeling the sorrow and through watching what happens to others who try to ignore their emotional pain what damage it can cause to try to postpone or avoid it. A great deal of my work life was spent helping people who had gotten stuck in the mud because they were unable/unwilling to grieve in a healthy way.
So one thing I'm sure of for myself is that whenever it shows up to go ahead and recognize it. Once I had a ten week vacation planned for myself. All that wonderful time alone to meditate and play in lovely and quiet surroundings. I no sooner got my suitcase set down and the door closed than a wave of grief rushed over me so strongly that I went into my bedroom and had a good cry.
All I could think was that I guess I must have needed some space to grieve, that I had it and it was time to do it obviously. But it wasn't exactly what I had planned for my first day of vacation.
I don't want to get in the habit of inviting grief over to commiserate with me. To me that's creating an unhealthy dependency. But it's okay to take time for him when he shows up. Wish I knew exactly how that cleans the dirt and cobwebs that accumulate around loss but I don't. It seems like a process I open myself to and over time grief does the rest.
I've lost friends, loved ones and pets but I've never lost a life partner so I don't know what that experience is like. I know that it must be different. I try to imagine what some of you have dealt with but it's not easy to relate.
Grief as a familiar companion is something I can understand and I've tried to put a more positive connotation on grief's comings and goings than I once had. I try not to dread and fear it as I once did but instead to look at it as a housekeeper of sorts, running on its own schedule and popping up unexpectedly when I'm least expecting to drop what I'm doing and attend to grief time.
I've grieved enough loves to know that that is how it functions. I learned at age four with my first kitten that loving means some day grieving. It takes courage to love and it takes courage to face grief.
I don't get to pick when I pay attention to loss. I've also learned from my own aversion to feeling the sorrow and through watching what happens to others who try to ignore their emotional pain what damage it can cause to try to postpone or avoid it. A great deal of my work life was spent helping people who had gotten stuck in the mud because they were unable/unwilling to grieve in a healthy way.
So one thing I'm sure of for myself is that whenever it shows up to go ahead and recognize it. Once I had a ten week vacation planned for myself. All that wonderful time alone to meditate and play in lovely and quiet surroundings. I no sooner got my suitcase set down and the door closed than a wave of grief rushed over me so strongly that I went into my bedroom and had a good cry.
All I could think was that I guess I must have needed some space to grieve, that I had it and it was time to do it obviously. But it wasn't exactly what I had planned for my first day of vacation.
I don't want to get in the habit of inviting grief over to commiserate with me. To me that's creating an unhealthy dependency. But it's okay to take time for him when he shows up. Wish I knew exactly how that cleans the dirt and cobwebs that accumulate around loss but I don't. It seem like a process I open myself to and over time grief does the rest.
Everything you have stated here really resonates. Thank you for your thoughts and for sharing them.
I've lost friends, loved ones and pets but I've never lost a life partner so I don't know what that experience is like. I know that it must be different. I try to imagine what some of you have dealt with but it's not easy to relate.
Grief as a familiar companion is something I can understand and I've tried to put a more positive connotation on grief's comings and goings than I once had. I try not to dread and fear it as I once did but instead to look at it as a housekeeper of sorts, running on its own schedule and popping up unexpectedly when I'm least expecting to drop what I'm doing and attend to grief time.
I've grieved enough loves to know that that is how it functions. I learned at age four with my first kitten that loving means some day grieving. It takes courage to love and it takes courage to face grief.
I don't get to pick when I pay attention to loss. I've also learned from my own aversion to feeling the sorrow and through watching what happens to others who try to ignore their emotional pain what damage it can cause to try to postpone or avoid it. A great deal of my work life was spent helping people who had gotten stuck in the mud because they were unable/unwilling to grieve in a healthy way.
So one thing I'm sure of for myself is that whenever it shows up to go ahead and recognize it. Once I had a ten week vacation planned for myself. All that wonderful time alone to meditate and play in lovely and quiet surroundings. I no sooner got my suitcase set down and the door closed than a wave of grief rushed over me so strongly that I went into my bedroom and had a good cry.
All I could think was that I guess I must have needed some space to grieve, that I had it and it was time to do it obviously. But it wasn't exactly what I had planned for my first day of vacation.
I don't want to get in the habit of inviting grief over to commiserate with me. To me that's creating an unhealthy dependency. But it's okay to take time for him when he shows up. Wish I knew exactly how that cleans the dirt and cobwebs that accumulate around loss but I don't. It seems like a process I open myself to and over time grief does the rest.
Couldn't rep you again but good post.
I especially appreciate and believe in the part I bolded. I see no benefit to trying to ignore grief, or "move past it" or whatever. Does it hurt? Yes. But I think it NEEDS to hurt so we will pay attention to the needs of our soul so to speak.
There is so much beauty and gratitude in grief in my experience. My stepson just sent me a "poor, pitiful me" text and frankly, all it did was irritate me. I mean, GROW UP. (He's 27.) Deal with things. Life hurts sometimes, and sometimes it hurts for a long time. I suspect that sometimes a pain is so deep that one just hopefully learns to live with it though some pain is always present. I'm sorry his dad died, but I've had friends of mine burst into tears of shame when describing what frustrates or hurts them about 2020, because they suddenly realize that I had a gawdawful year - way worse than theirs if there's some sort of contest (which there's not, thank goodness because I'm sure I'd lose to someone else anyway). Look - I know the pain of a dad dying - MY DAD DIED. MY BROTHER DIED. MY MOTHER DIED. MY MOTHER IN LAW DIED. MY FATHER IN LAW DIED. AND MY HUSBAND DIED - ALL IN FIVE YEARS, and not in that order. It's like they built in crescendo - first my FIL, then my MIL, then my dad, then my mom, then my brother and then my husband. Each one was worse than the one before. Then I fell and destroyed my right elbow, about a month after my husband died, and ended up in the hospital for several days, and having surgery and now I have lovely permanent hardware in my right arm and it hurts me every single day. Oh, and did I mention I have no income now? And I can't go back to work really, with my arm like it is, and my schedule of PT and estate stuff and all that. SO SHUT THE FRONT DOOR.
Anyway, I digress. My point is that in spite of all that, I'm still standing. And I'm not walking around depressed all the time either. I'm busy. I'm productive. I'm taking care of things. I've worked hard for decades to be able to live without income now. Can I live like this forever? Do I WANT to live like this forever? Not really. But I can for now and so I am, and I'm surviving.
But that's because while I am allowing myself to process things, I'm NOT allowing myself to get stuck, or get into a "poor pitiful me" mindset. This takes self discipline. Every single time I feel sad about my husband, I think of God or Mary or both feeling sad about their Son dying. Every single time I start to feel overwhelmed with sorrow, I imagine wrapping the whole big package up and laying it in Jesus' lap. For real. "Take this cup from me, Lord, nevertheless not my will but your will." That's my prayer. That's my mantra. "Give me the grace to accept your will." Why should I catch more breaks than someone else? I haven't done anything to deserve a pain free life. In fact, the gift of my marriage and my husband was just that - an undeserved and precious gift. A HUGE blessing in my life! Thank you, God, for every single second that man was in my life!
It's like I shared my initial thoughts about how much (Or how little) attention I give our dogs. I was feeling like such a failure, like I couldn't even muster up enough love to give our dogs what they are accustomed to, AND they are missing their daddy (which I believe they are). Never mind that I got out of my bed the other night just to lay down between my two dogs and love on them for a bit. No, I couldn't see that initially, all I could see was that I haven't been giving them enough attention. But my grief counselor said "Reword that and say Every day I give my dogs all the love I am able to give them." Because that's the truth - not "I am such a terrible person I can't even love on my dogs like I used to!" Come on! But my stepson wouldn't even say that - what he'd say - if he ever felt the least bit guilty about anything - would be "Damn dogs! They still expect attention and I just can't give them any because I am pitiful!"
So it's all a matter of self discipline of the mind.
Another thing I think to myself often now, thanks to the excellent video someone posted I believe on this thread, is this: "Is this harmful or helpful to me?" Wow, this was a great line and simple to ask oneself, though it's not easy to be honest about things sometimes. One glass of wine? Helpful. Two? Neutral. Three or more? Not a good idea for me. Harmful.
I know where you are coming from. I was finally able to get rid of some of my late wife's clothing this past weekend. Lots more to go, but it was a first step. She died 1-1/2 years ago. I miss her dearly, but It's time to move on.
I am, thank you. Right now I spend time every day, off and on throughout the day, seriously thinking through these things, and cleaning house emotionally and mentally if that makes sense. For instance, I can be feeling vaguely blue (often, actually) but if I sit down and actually ponder what is making me feel blue, sometimes it's just a way of thinking subconsciously that is not healthy. And sometimes I am just missing him - and it helps to talk with him, or sort of change directions emotionally if that makes sense, to redirect my emotions and my thoughts. Sometimes I have to make a concerted effort to think and feel in a more productive way if that makes sense. And sometimes I feel overwhelmed with sorrow or just a sense of being lonely or blue or whatever, and all I can do is imagine just laying my entire life in the lap of Jesus. I don't pray in words at those times - I just imagine laying my burdens down if that makes sense. And then invariably I do feel better.
The other day, I suddenly realized that every time I walked into my master bathroom, I felt awash with sadness, and I began missing him terribly. Then I realized with a start that I had our initials hung up side by side and it was the first thing I was seeing basically. I took those down and put up a wall hanging that I actually like that doesn't really remind me of him, but just of me, and now I feel better every time I go into the master bath. I mean, I actually hadn't thought about any of that till the other day, I was just so used to seeing the bathroom put together a certain way.
Now I am going to go into the master closet and box up his hats and things like that, because I just realized they are making me sad too.
I read something really profound the other day. I read that "Do we want grief or a sense of an ongoing relationship with the deceased person?" That really made me stop and think, not just of my own goals but also, since I do believe in an afterlife, of the expectations of the person who has left this life. Do they want me to be perpetually sad? If I believe in a relationship of some sort with the deceased person, should it be one based on his death or on his life?
One thing that causes me regret about the relationship I had with my husband is that he never realized how much he made me happy. And it wasn't for me not telling him. He just always thought he wasn't good enough for me (probably because of the age difference, looks--he always thought he looked ugly--and our disparate earning abilities which never mattered to me). One thing he said shortly before he passed away was that if something ever were to happen to him he'd want me to go back to the one guy I was with before him; he had seen a picture of us I hadn't realized I still had where we were smiling together.
I know he knows that now. I'm not sure exactly what those who are resting in spiritual union with Jesus experience exactly; I imagine it is a dream-like state. Right after my husband passed, I had this dream where my husband was swimming with penguins (we both loved penguins) and looking at this model train (he took me to visit this one in Pittsburgh that he loved to look at) and one other thing I can't remember. I think Jesus was letting me know that that is some of the things my husband is doing while he waits for me to join him (not really consciously waiting of course). So I also like to think he also knows how supremely happy I was to be with him and that he was the right one and perfect husband for me all along.
So I know he wants me to be happy. I just have a hard time letting go of the past. I'm nostalgic; I've always been that way. For many years I was more sad than not because I would constantly read books about dead people (civil war) and so many of those people I was fascinated with, but I couldn't meet them of course (like D.H. Hill who actually brought about me meeting my husband). So it's like I finally get to a point in my life when I'm finally happy with the life I have now and then it's taken away from me. Back to being sad, how I was before. At least now I have Jesus more closely in my life. While I have little if any earthly joy, all I have is him; he gives me all my joy, strength and comfort.
I know where you are coming from. I was finally able to get rid of some of my late wife's clothing this past weekend. Lots more to go, but it was a first step. She died 1-1/2 years ago. I miss her dearly, but It's time to move on.
I agree - I mean, I don't think we should do things necessarily till we feel READY to do them, but part of being ready in my opinion is to acknowledge and process those emotions. Otherwise I feel like we're just kicking a can down the road.
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