The season of death.

[HairyandScary]

Originally Posted by Pikantari

I am venturing into what is known to me as the season of death. It begins in November. This has been a process for me since 1995 when my father died. November was always one of the biggest, most important months for my family.

This was a chance for all of the family to get together, we never see one another. Thanksgiving. I remember all the way back from when I was a little girl. My dad standing at the head of the table sharpening his knife in front of the turkey. No more dad. He passed in February of 1995. February 5th. His birthday falls in November.

In 2000, I shared my last Thanksgiving with my mother. It was a tough one. All of my brothers and sisters and their families were there but mom was in bed the whole time. Her time was short.

Everyone was back down around December 22nd and I told them I did not think she had much longer, that maybe they should stay. No one did. It has always been my tradition to wrap Christmas presents on Christmas Eve.

That year, as my mother lay in bed in a comatose state, I carried all of the presents into her room and I sat on the floor with them and all of the wrapping paper around me and began to wrap. This was early in the day.

I talked to her the whole time, I kinda think she heard me. I had my husband take the kids from the house. I did not want them seeing this. There was a nurse that came out twice to see my mom that day. My preacher came twice as well.

I kept calling all of my brothers and sisters and telling them they need to get down here asap. I felt like I was talking to myself. I felt like no one was listening. I had been my mothers primary care giver through all of her illness, my dads as well.

I knew what was coming. When I wasn't taking care of her, I was studying the upcoming events, what I should be looking for and it was all happening before my eyes.

My mother was dying. I put the phone up to ear on several occasions to have her hear my siblings. I finally had to leave the room. It was frighteningly cold in there and I had not eaten all day. It was about two in the afternoon if memory serves me right, maybe a bit later.

I told my mother that I would be right back, not to worry. I would only be gone a second. I lay down the scissors and tape and venture down the long hallway to the kitchen. I made myself a cup of hot chocolate and a half of a sandwich and walked back down the hall.

I stood in the doorway looking in at my mother. I felt a rush blow over me. She was gone. In the two minutes it took me, my mother had died.

I feel like she waited all day for me to leave the room to die. She didn't want me to be there for it. My sister got there about 30 minutes later. I will never know how she felt over that, having missed our mothers death by such a short time.

I had already called the funeral home and they came out. I felt horribly for my brothers and uncle who made it down later to arrive and see the hearse in the driveway.

My uncle seemed to take it worse than all of us put together. It was heartbreaking seeing the man I always knew as such a strong man grasping her as she lay there without a breath. He cried and cried and we could not get him off of her.

Christmas and Christmas Eve have never been the same for me. My fathers death day rolls around on February 5, before that we have his birthday,Thanksgiving, my birthday, Christmas Eve, Christmas, dads bday,my moms birthday on Feb 27, then comes Grandmas death day. She died a couple years after my mom did, in mid march. Then Grandmas birthday. I think that wraps it up.

I can say the same for my sister as well as for myself, it is the season of death and all of it's remembrances.

We go from the once joyous time of Thanksgiving all the way to the end of March. I do not know what she calls it, but it is what I have come to know it as and it is getting ready to come upon me.

My SO doesn't understand the depressed state of mind that becomes me. That is a whole five months a year of my life and I know that I am probably unbearable. It is starting again soon and I do not know what to do. I can feel myself closing up and not wanting to be around people.

I want to just be alone in a room, not with others. I want to crawl in a hole somewhere. It happened last year, his first experience of it. He hurt me badly right around my fathers death day. I am imagining that had this happened during the 'up' months of my life that maybe I would have been able to get over it. I cannot. I cannot do it.

I think that the painof what he did has been amplified due to the death season which comes upon me once again. I want to go. I want to run away from the world and all who are in it right now.

I have been dreaming of my parents a lot lately. Good dreams. They take me to a place I have not been to in such a very long time. I do not get into this dream state until around 6 am. Someone normally awakens me while I am in the midst of visiting with my mom and dad. I wake up and it is as though I am reaching out for those which I have lost to see those that are here.

It angers me. I never know when the dreams will come back, if they will come back.

I found a box of cards the other day. My father never failed to give me a birthday card or Valentines day card every year, Grandma did the same. I did not have one card from my mom. I did have all the cards my dad had given her over the years though.

I don't think she knew how to express her feelings, and I did not learn until after my dad died.

I know, such a downer of a post, but it helps to get it out sometimes.

Good evening.

Just last week I was visiting my uncle (also a very close friend) He was shaking uncontrollably so I called an ambulance. Two days later he died in hospital. Unlike your situation we were all by his bedside when he passed. My father before pretty much went the same way. Its always hard when their gone but my Father and Uncle always had a saying
'Where not meant to be here for a long time....only for a good time' I know both would give me a kick up the rear if I spent the next six months moping over them. I guess all I'm saying is try to remember that's what your Mom and Dad would want from you. Like any parent I'm sure their dying wish is for you to be happy. Try to honor that wish ..........Hairy

[dfour]

Pikantri,

Thank you for sharing. It brought a tear to my eyes too. I need to visit my mother more often.

[Dbl-r]

Unfortunately we all grieve when those we care for and love pass away. I hope you find yourself with everlasting memories of happiness and love for those who have been in your life.

[PassTheChocolate]

Pikantari, I'm so sorry you're hurting. I agree with the others in that making new memories and traditions might help to assuage your grief, but you'll have to accept what is to be able to do so. I hope you can make peace with it all really soon.

[picklejuice]

You're not alone!

[Pikantari]

I thank you all for your replies and agree with both sides.

The first year after my mother passed, I decided that I would do a celebration of sorts every year and I made her favorite kind of cake. I decided she made it home just in time for Jesus' bday. I did this for about three years.

My marriage started going south and all of my family is in another state. I began to feel very alone.

As far as my dad is concerned, I think I am doing pretty good. The first 6 months after he passed, I was in such extreme denial. Just thinking to myself that he was still in the hospital and I couldn't make it up to see him for whatever reason.

I was at his side when he passed. My mom left me up there and went home. I had to make decisions I was not prepared to make. I was twenty one I think and a new mom. I was not in good shape over this situation but I set up all of his arrangements.

I went to his graveside several times a week. Looking at that stone and saying to myself he was not gone. I did this for six months and I do not know how I got it straight, that he was gone. I think I told my neurologist about it. Geez that has been so long ago.

Maybe because it has been five years longer for my dad I am doing better. I have found myself lately needing my mother for so many things going on in my life. It feels like I am ok sometimes and others, not so much.

I am ok anymore with the loss (death) of my parents, I understand it and realize they are gone, etc.

I just need them terribly. I understand my dad was 52 and mom was 38 when I was born, and losing them earlier than if they were younger parents. I imagine any loss of a parent is no good.

I imagine no one is ready. They were both lost to cancer. It just seems like I am going through things in my life that I still need them for....

I am thirty five now. I am not even as old as my mother when she had me. I can hardly imagine that at all.

I don't know, I guess life works itself out.

Thank you all for your well wishes and responses... they are so much appreciated.

[MagnoliaThunder]

Thirty five is so young to have gone through all this -- and it is a lonely place to be, I know from experience. You will be in my prayers ... please remember that you are not alone.

[sierraAZ]

Originally Posted by Pikantari

I imagine no one is ready.

I hear ya, Robyn... Nobody is ever ready! Speaking of denial, you're not gonna believe the denial I was in. I might've mentioned it before. I got to see my parents alive a few months before they passed away, knowing fully well I wasn't gonna be able to go to their funerals. To me this last visit was a lot more valuable. After they died I had a whole load of crazy ideas and I could have them materialized... I was planning on abandoning all assets, cutting all ties with family and friends back home, and pretending they're alive and well across the miles just like they had been before. Essentially, it wasn't that different on a daily basis... Can't tell you how many times I've dialed the number forgetting there's nobody there...

At least you were married and couldn't do any major changes in your life. My ex-ex and I had been separated for the longest time and hadn't filed for divorce. I finally told him to please go file it because I couldn't get much time from work and he could. Well, that happened a few weeks before Mom and Dad died. I had an appointment with a lawyer on the day after Mom passed and I went! Then I had coworkers I couldn't find a way to tell nicely I don't want them to come over and "distract" me... At work, we're entitled to 3 bereavement days. I was afraid to take even 6 because it would look like calculations and multiplication... In other words, I didn't have a prayer for grieving in peace the first few days. Shortly after that I slipped into that deep denial... And after that... started looking for replacement love at the wrongest of wrong times... Sure enough, when you deliberately look for trouble you find it. That's why I always try to tell people in such situations to never make any major decisions at least for a year.

I usually avoid writing on this topic when it comes up, but I'm like you in many ways when it comes to that and your posts move me and provoke me. We can't go on like this, Robyn...

[gwynedd1]

"I can feel myself closing up and not wanting to be around people."

I would like to simply offer sympathy but I cannot. To isolate yourself and to quite frankly destroy a good part of your life in grief is to embrace death rather than life. Your memory of them is the life they still have. My son will meet his grandfather though me. I lost my father when I was 26. I have lost both my grandmothers. My mother lost her father when she was 9. Both grandmothers died just before they could meet my wife. Ironically, if they had lived, you would not wish to be with them in your grief. Be with the loved ones who remain and bring the memories of those who you lost with you so that they may still live through you.

I can still hear and see them all. My grandmothers Easter sweet bread is sitting on the table. My father is laughing. I will never forget the sound. My other grandmother will play another hand of hearts. All my loved ones are always with me. Even so there are so many people to know and love who are very much alive.

[Coolhand68]

I'm sure if your parents could reach out and offer you some guidance, they'd tell you to let go of the painful memories, regardless of the season. They would want you to move forward, embrace the good memories, and accept the loss. Remember, your parents had to deal with the loss of their own parents, yet they functioned rather normally regardless of holidays or seasons. Try to do the same for your family. That doesn't mean you forget your parents or that you can't miss them. You have to realize that your day will come, and in between now and then, you need to make the most of every day and every year. Time moves fast and you shouldn't invest too much of it in the past.

On my 26th birthday I was told my father had a week to live. He died two days later, so each year my birthday brings back memories of him and a not so happy time. I believe he knew when he was about to go as well. He was in a hospice and my mom was at his side. She asked him if he needed anything, and he said, no just let me rest. As soon as she left the hospice, he died. She got home and they called to tell her he had passed. I called a couple of minutes after to let her know I was on my way but she was already hysterical and told me he just died. It took me close to two years to feel normal again after his death. He loved Christmas too, but I also know that he would want us to be happy during that time of year. It's a time for family and children. I miss him, but I don't obsess. I've lost lot's of close friends and family members and with each passing year you have to learn to let go even more.

Embrace your memories with your family and realize that one day they'll be mourning the loss of you. Make the most of each day, each season, and every year. Do you parents a huge favor, let go of the painful memories of their deathbed, they wouldn't want you to torture yourself that way. You can still look forward without forgetting them.