Kauai Neighborhood (Kilauea: condo, houses, movies)

[bresdo]

I moved to Kauai last August and live in a nice town called Kilauea. I have 2 girls ages 9 and 6 and there are a lot of other kids that live in the area. Somethings have gotten me very frustrated and want to find out if it is the norm or just me. My house is open to the kids to come and play and of course I let them have snacks and on numerous times have feed them or taken them out to dinner with us. Or if we go out to the beach have taken them with us as well. Now one girl was over a lot at the beginning and then I found out my girls are not allowed in her house. That is not fair so I said if my girls cant go in your house then you cant come in mine. So that has caused a riff between my girls and her. My other neighbor has a girl and she is over all the time and has developed a bond with my girls. I cant tell you how many times she has eaten over and gone out with us. The other day her mother called me up and asked me to pick her up from school because she was stuck in town. Now twice in the past month the dad went to the beach and my girls asked to go and both times it was a NO. Am I just a sucker or what....why is it that I can do for other people kids here and they refuse to do for mine. Coming from L.A. we had a lot of friends that we used to take there kids with us and they would always return the favor. I feel alienated here and in 10 months of living here have not made any grown up friends at all. I am nice and treat everyone with respect and very giving but do not get it in return.

Sorry for the long rant it is just starting to get to me....and look forward to your replies.

[jenalove]

I am sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time. We like to visit the local Kingdom Hall of Jehovah's Witnesses when we are in your area while on vacation. It is in Kilauea. You will find loving, generous, and happy people there like yourself. They have a Sunday morning talk based on the Bible at 10 AM. There is no collection plate passed. It is free and children are welcome (they sit with their families). Everyone likes to come early and stay afterwards to chat and visit. I think you will find the kind of people you are looking for there!

[hothulamaui]

aloha, gosh I don't have clue! I had the same experience in ca. when my daughter was little with a few parents. I was amazed that there was no give and take in the sharing of watching over the other's children. I would take it as an isolated thing with these two families. did you have your daughter ask why she was not invited to the first child's home? perhaps no adult is home and that is the rule, no children unless parents are home. the best policy in that case is to just be up front and ask. you will know if it is a BS answer or not. I would also ask the neighbor if they didn't want your children to go for some reason. you can you the excuse that you don't want them to pester them or put them in a spot by your children continuing to ask them. how many children do you have. I would be relunctant to take more than one child to the beach with me as then I am the one needing to worry about if they drown or get hurt. adults want to go to relax and it is hard if you have to keep an eye out for children other than your own. the islands really are a friendly place you just have to find your niche. I woulf join the garden/orchid club or go to art class, join the gym. you need to find something to do that keeps your mind active and healthy and allows you to meet people. you all will settle in, it just takes time. good luck...oh off topic....do you know anything about a small condo complex called village manor on kamona I think it is in your area. thanks

[flowermom]

Hi there,

I have experienced what you are describing no matter where I have lived (California and Hawaii). I am a stay at home mom to one child and always have the house where the neighborhood kids come to play, eat, etc. I have taken kids to movies, dinner, etc. and rarely have anyone do the same for my child. I also set up playdates with school friends and have them over and generally it is not reciprocated. I guess I have gotten used to it. Most parents work and I don't. For me, having other children around gives my child something to do/someone to play with so it is worth the extra work.

Generally, I don't think the parents mean any harm or insult by not inviting my child over. They are just busy dealing jobs and with the schedules of several children. That is just my two cents from what I have experienced.

I had a hard time meeting other adults when I first moved here and then got very involved volunteering at my child's school - now I know lots of people. Perhaps this is something you could consider for next school year?

Good luck!

[CNTRYSRAIN]

My daughter lives in kauai. She has three kids all born there as well as her husband. The neighborhood kids are always at their house but some of the "locals" are funny when it comes to letting other kids come in their houses.

[hotzcatz]

You are still new to the islands and the adults don't want to make friends with you because more than likely you will be leaving in a year or two. Also, you aren't related to anyone and they haven't known you their entire life so it can be difficult for them to get to know you since you don't have much in common with them. If you are on one of the outer islands and in a less populated area, then this is much more noticeable than if you were in a more populated area.

Joining a local group such as a religious group can help integrate you into the neighborhood. Being out where they can see and interact with you helps, too. Gardening in the front yard lets them see you and stop by to chat if they are going by or at least see you. If there are any o-bon dances at the local hongwanji, it is good to go to those. That is a huge social event in many of the smaller towns and folks of all religions go to them. Ask your neighbors for advice, something innocuous such as how to cook breadfruit or something.

Until they interact with you on several occasions they won't know who you are or how you will react to different situations so it would be scary for them to take your kids along since they don't know how you'd react if something happened. One of the most likely areas for folks to over react in a bad way is if something happened to their kids so folks have to really trust you before they will put themselves in a situation where they are responsible for your kids. If they don't know you, they can't trust you, either.

[mdand3boys]

Could be a lot of reasons.
Maybe the other parents don't have much extra money to feed your children in addition to theirs?
Maybe the dad goes to the beach to surf - and not to watch your kids?

[Mar0]

Do you have a job? I have made some amazing friends at work and if I had kids, I feel as though there would be no problem having our kids play together.

I don't really have any advice but at times I feel a bit alienated too. Everyone has been so nice to me but because of basic differences in the way I was brought up (east coast) and also just not having grown up here (and thus not knowing everyone and their entire extended families) it is at hard times to feel connected on a personal level. So I guess I can say, I know that it isn't always easy! I think that your situation can happen anywhere, though, so it might not be a Kauai thing. I find myself constantly being invited places and I have only been here 2+ years myself. I have never felt alienated b/c people were concerned that I wouldn't be staying here for the long haul.

Just give it time?

[KYN808]

Originally Posted by mdand3boys

Could be a lot of reasons.
Maybe the other parents don't have much extra money to feed your children in addition to theirs?
Maybe the dad goes to the beach to surf - and not to watch your kids?

I agree somewhat with this and could be other practical reasons also. Don't dwell on it and realize that you are being the awesome neighborhood mom that every kid remembers. I have lived on Kauai from my childhood and remember that some homes we could go into and others we couldn't, and some parents were very friendly and other were not. I think it's a cultural thing. Caucasians were more inviting unlike the locals, but you cannot generalize because it wasn't true in every case.

All I can say is be nice to all your kid's friends, don't penalize them for their parent's unwillingness to reciprocate favors. The kids have no fault in this and also be careful what you say around your kids...they might repeat something to their friends you may not want.

[mdand3boys]

Maybe the dad goes to the beach to surf - and not to watch your kids?

I mentioned that in the other post because we have come across that exact reason from two different fathers. Here, fathers may go surf not unlike the "mainland father" who may go golfing.